NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 13

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Green Bay @ Dallas (-6½)

Thursday night's showdown in Dallas certainly won't pack the historical significance of 1967's Ice Bowl, in which the Packers' Bart Starr scored on a quarterback sneak on the game's last play to give Green Bay the 1967 NFL championship over the Cowboys. Especially with Bryant Gumbel and Chris Collinsworth calling the action. And the temperature in Dallas on Thursday night should be at least 100 degrees warmer than the wind chill of -48 on that day in Green Bay. But Thursday's game will go a long way in determining home-field advantage when the NFC playoffs commence in January.

"That was a brutal day in Green Bay," says Brett Favre. "I doubt there'll be any fingertips amputated this Thursday, though. That is, unless Ronnie Lott shows up to prove his manhood again. Who needs the top half of a pinky finger anyway, especially when you're a big-hitting safety? Does anyone 'pinky swear' anymore? Anyway, I know the Cowboys will be well-prepared. They don't want to make that trip to Lambeau come playoff time. Hey, Debbie might do Dallas, but she doesn't do Green Bay in January. Me? I honestly don't care where I play. I'm comfortable in Green Bay; I'm comfortable in Dallas. More importantly, I'm comfortable in Wrangler. And, despite what that fresh prince Will Smith will have you believe, I am legend, not he."

Favre will ride into town with his right arm cocked to face the young gun, Tony Romo, who, like Favre, isn't afraid to make the passes that leave everyone shaking their heads in disbelief. While Favre does it with velocity, Romo does it with unorthodox deliveries from odd angles, sometimes while on the run.

"Brett Favre's time is up," says Romo. "I'm not talking about the end of his career. I'm talking about his time as a paid endorser. He's plugged Wrangler jeans and an upcoming movie starring the man who invented 'bubblegum' rap. The heck with I Am Legend. I want to see I Am Legend's Lesser-Known D.J., starring Jazzy Jeff. Now, it's my turn to 'just shill.' Just in time for the holidays, check out my new cologne, 'Romeau de Toillette.' 'If you've got game, you should smell like game.' At least, that's what it says on the bottle. Anyway, ladies, if your man smells, then this is the man-fragrance for him. It also removes soap scum, and takes the yellow right off of Jerry Jones' teeth."

Favre and Romo go toe to toe, and Romo goes to T.O. several times, but in the end, the Green Bay defense is more reliable, and makes the necessary stops. Favre peppers the Dallas defense with short patterns early, then goes deep to Donald Driver late for the game-winner. Green Bay wins, 26-24.

San Francisco @ Carolina (-3)

David Carr's inability to even remotely connect, via the pass, or mentally, with his receivers, especially Steve Smith, is one of a long list a reasons why the Panthers are 4-7 and headed toward an offseason overhaul. But the Panthers' miscommunication problems aren't limited to just Carr and his disgruntled corps of receivers. Head coach John Fox and his assistants have often been in disagreement about play calls. And Fox can never really get a straight answer from the coin he tosses to determine the starting quarterback.

"There's confusion all around," says Fox. "Especially when the fans start booing. Are they booing the players? Are they booing me? Are they booing the cheerleaders? It really takes a disgruntled fan to boo a cheerleader. But let's face it. If you, along with a counterpart, haven't disgraced the organization, while alternately exciting millions of fans, by performing lewd, but legal, acts in a bathroom stall, then you deserve to be booed. Especially if that's what fans have come to expect. Now, as far as Carr goes, we obviously fooled ourselves into believing he'd be a capable backup. But it's the holiday season. We'll try our best to regift him to an unsuspecting team once the season ends. I've heard those Arena league teams are easy marks, so we should be able to get a sweet two-for-one deal."

The 49ers' offensive ineptness ended abruptly in Arizona last week, when San Fran exploded for 37 points in a 37-31 overtime win. That was a full 26 points more than their average through 10 games. Frank Gore broke out of his slump, with 214 yards and two touchdowns.

"In my mind, I'm going to Carolina," says Gore. "Those words were originally crooned by the original 'J.T.,' James Taylor, whose fiery and tumultuous relationship with Carly Simon probably set the groundwork for some of the greatest music of the 1960s and 1970s. None of which I have ever heard, although I'm sure Timbaland or Kanye West has robbed one or both of a funky beat that Taylor or Simon never imagined would be used as the background beat for a song about some skeezer in a club. Anyway, in reality, I'm going to Carolina, where the Panthers haven't won a game all year."

Prior to the game, Smith perpetrates one of the greatest schemes ever, disabling the starting mechanism on Fox's Plymouth Reliant K. When Fox turns the key, Smith is there to ask Fox what's wrong, while secretly recording his reply. "Car won't start" is Fox's reply. Smith then plays the sound bite to reporters, who report that "Carr Won't Start" in the newspapers. Vinny Testaverde gets the nod and the Panthers win, 19-17.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-7)

Jacksonville gets their second shot at the Colts this year, and this time the Jaguars are ready to pounce. Jacksonville has won three in a row, while the Colts are battling injury situations, including the loss of Dwight Freeney for the year. With the win, the Jags would force a tie at the top of the division.

"When you're trying to get healthy," says Jack Del Rio, "Jacksonville is not the team you want to be playing. We're hardcore, and we're the hard corps. I've seen the Colts' injury report, and frankly, it's a short read. But we can do something about that. I don't want to say there's a bounty on Peyton Manning's head, but if you asked me what my favorite brand of paper towel is, I think you'd know the answer. Besides, Momma Del Rio said 'knock him out,' so we're gonna knock him out. And, the Colts are soft, like Charmin, and like Mr. Whipple says, they don't like to be squeezed. Anyway, much love to Whipple, who recently passed away. In his honor, let's all think of Mr. Whipple with a 24-sheet salute the next time we use toilet paper. I think he would want to be remembered that way."

"Hey, I'm no stranger to bounties on my head," says Manning. "But Steve Spurrier and I made our peace long ago. And bounties on my brother Eli come and go on a weekly basis. He's lucky I, I mean, someone, hasn't paid up. But enough about bounty, the quicker picker-upper, which will surely be my next advertising blitz. Over the last few weeks, my patience has been tested by my decimated receiving corps. Luckily, Reggie Wayne has remained healthy. Otherwise, I'd have been throwing to a bunch of nobodies. Finally, I know what it's like to be David Garrard. It's been a humbling experience, but should serve me well against the Jaguars."

It's one of the hardest-hitting contests in this storied rivalry, but Adam Vinatieri shakes off the Vanderjagt's and nails the game-winning 47-yard field goal. Indianapolis wins, 20-17.

Buffalo @ Washington (-5)

Talk about an evenly matched game. The Bills and Redskins have both lost to the Patriots, by 46 and 45 points, respectively, giving each upper tier status in the 2007 "Patriot Maims" tour, sponsored by Bill Belichick. But blowout losses aside, the Bills and 'Skins are both 5-6 and still very much in the playoff hunt. For both, fulfilling that order may require winning all of their remaining five games.

"We're certainly capable of doing that," says Dick Jauron. "I can see us at 10-6, especially if you read '10-6' like the Chinese, from right to left. But we'll need the proper motivation to go on such a hot streak. In Buffalo, that motivation can come in only one form: free hot wings and a Goo Goo Dolls concert before every game."

Washington lost a narrow 19-13 decision in Tampa last week, as Jason Campbell's pass was intercepted in the end zone to preserve the Buccaneer victory. It was the Redskins' sixth turnover of the day, a statistic that disturbed Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs.

"That's entirely too many," says Gibbs. "I told my guys that the next time I hear talk of that much turnover, it better be in reference to the history of lead singers in Van Halen. But let's be serious for a moment. How could Eddie Van Halen choose his own son over Michael Anthony? I mean, how do you fire the guy who played the Jack Daniels bass guitar and was the voice behind those classic VH harmonies? I guess you'd have to be an egotistical guitar virtuoso with half a tongue to do such a thing. I'm sorry. That was a 'tasteless' comment, or at least half of one."

Redskins win, 23-17.

Houston @ Tennessee (-3½)

The Titans were soundly beaten by the Bengals, 35-6, falling about eight Rob Bironas' field goals short of making a game of it. It was Tennessee's third consecutive loss, which leads you to believe that Titan opponents have figured out what it takes to beat them.

"What? An offense?" asks Jeff Fisher, who absolutely refuses to use Grecian Formula coloring for his salt-and-pepper goatee, under the mistaken belief that you have to be Greek to use it.

No, Fish. First, you have to take away your running game, and make Vince Young beat you with his right arm.

"You mean, like he did with teammate Donnie Nickey in training camp, whom Young pummeled when he thought Nickey was hitting his receivers too hard?" asks Fisher. "Vince beat him with his right arm."

Sure, coach, that would work, too. Defensively, if you can force Young to assault his own teammates during the game, then I think your chances of winning increase eight, maybe nine-fold. But, seriously, if you can keep Young in the pocket and force him to set his feet and throw downfield, then you can expect mistakes. Plus, if you can force him to answer questions pertaining to his aptitude towards problem-solving skills in a timed environment, then you've licked him.

Kris Brown's 50-yard field goal wins it for the Texans, 19-16.

Atlanta @ St. Louis (-4)

Last week, St. Louis quarterback Gus Frerotte, in for the injured Marc Bulger, fumbled the snap on fourth down from the Seattle one-yard line with 27 seconds left, ending the Rams' hope for their third-straight win.

"Hey, not exactly how we designed it," says Scott Linehan, "but probably gave us the same result. Frankly, it would have been a perfect opportunity for Gus to take off in a dead sprint and ram his head into the wall. But, of course, he only does that when he scores. He's not too bright. But he's got a hard head, which one needs when playing behind this offensive line. Now, if all quarterbacks would ram their heads into walls after every mistake, Michael Vick would have more concussions than Bulger, Byron Leftwich would be a vegetable, and Joey Harrington would have trouble playing a Fisher-Price keyboard."

Harrington gets the start, and plays well, giving Bobby Petrino good reason to start Leftwich next week. Meanwhile, Jacksonville's Jack Del Rio can't get over how much better Leftwich looks in a Falcons uniform than a Jaguars. Sadly, though, good play doesn't always result in an Atlanta win. Rams win, 27-17.

Seattle @ Philadelphia (-3)

In a battle of teams that advanced to the divisional round of the playoffs last year, the Seahawks, fresh off a narrow escape in St. Louis, head to Philadelphia to battle the Eagles, who nearly knocked off the undefeated Patriots before falling, 31-28. At 5-6, the Eagles are still in the playoff hunt, but, more importantly, Andy Reid has given the rest of the league some hope of beating the Patriots.

"That's right," says Reid. "I just gave all interested parties the blueprint to beating the Patriots, or at least losing to them by three. To have a chance with the Patriots, you've got to rough up Randy Moss and Tom Brady, and if that means giving up 20 or so catches to a quick, savvy, smart, and hard-nosed slot receiver, then that's the chance you take. I really liked what I saw out of A.J. Feeley, except for the throw that cost us the game. He's earned consideration to start against the Seahawks. We'll just have to see how Donovan McNabb's ankle is doing on Sunday. If he completes his stint in rehab, which is more than I can say for Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, or my two sons, then he could be the starter. We want Donovan at 100%, but we're not willing to wait the three years until he gets there."

Matt Hasselbeck and company will be looking for their fourth win in a row and an increase to their two-game lead in the NFC West.

"Fans might remember McNabb as the spokesman for Campbell's Chunky Soup," says Hasselbeck. "Well, that's my gig now, along with LaDainian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson, Todd Heap, Devin Hester, Maurice Jones-Drew, DeMarcus Ware, and Jonathan Vilma. That's a long and distant memory for McNabb. His only memory of 'chunky soup' is leaving it on the field in Jacksonville in 2002. Grass still won't grow there."

The Seahawks are one of three NFC division leaders playing the underdog this week. Philly is favored by three, and that's got to more than Hasselbeck and his teammates can stomach, so expect them to leave everything on the field, except the contents of their stomach. Seahawks win, 23-19. After the game, Shaun Alexander is tabbed to endorse household cleaning product Soft Scrub.

Detroit @ Minnesota (-3)

If Brett Favre won a John Madden turducken leg for Favre's Thanksgiving Day performance in Detroit, then Detroit's Jon Kitna surely qualified for Madden's 'turd-ucken' award, with his 19-of-40, 224-yard performance against the Packers. Kitna was no match for Favre's 31-of-41, 384-yard, three-touchdown game, and the Lions dropped their third-straight after starting the year 6-2.

"Hey, I love Brett Favre as much as the next guy," says Kitna. "But I don't make it a habit of giving guys I love the leg of some genetically-engineered super-bird. So that's what's been going on in the bowels of the Madden Cruiser. Madden's forcing helpless turkeys, ducks, and chickens into perverted three-way relationships to forge a super-race of poultry. Anyway, I'll gladly accept the 'turd-ucken' from Madden, although I darn sure won't eat it, lest it slow me in my pursuit of winning the 10 games I guaranteed earlier this year. I really don't see anything standing in our way of reaching 10 wins."

"I do," says Minnesota safety Darren Sharper. "It's called 'seven losses.' You know, I have the uncanny ability to look into a quarterback's eyes and tell where he's going to throw the ball, and also where and how he'll die. Once we're on the field Sunday and my eyes meet Kitna's, the vision of his sad and painful death will be erased from my mind as soon as he throws me the first of two interceptions."

Adrian Peterson is set to return to the lineup, which gives the Vikings their only home-run hitter, at least on offense. He's ready to rebuild his NFL rushing lead, and he's bounty-free. Besides, what do the Detroit Lions know about collecting on a bounty? Matt Millen is still there. Minnesota wins, 28-23.

San Diego @ Kansas City (+4)

The Chargers will look to avenge Week 4's 30-16 loss to the Chiefs in San Diego, a loss that left the Chargers 1-3 and doubting their status as one of the favorites in the AFC. Now, the Chargers have modified their goals, eschewing AFC supremacy for something more simple, being the best in the AFC West.

"We're all about setting realizable goals," says Norv Turner. "Take LaDainian Tomlinson, for example. 10,000 yards was his goal, and he easily attained it. Mind you, he set that goal last week when he was sitting on 9,971 yards before the Baltimore game. But the point is, he achieved his goal. Now, if Philip Rivers thinks he can tell 64,000 people in Qualcomm Stadium to shut up and stop booing, then he's setting his goals entirely too high. A more realistic goal would be telling his three relatives in attendance to pipe down on the booing."

Teams in the AFC West treat the division lead like car keys — they lose it on a weekly basis. The Chargers are currently leasing the division lead, and hope to exercise an option to buy pretty soon. Tomlinson rushes for a score, and hushes a hostile Arrowhead Stadium crowd with a late score to Antonio Gates. Chargers win, 23-17.

NY Jets @ Miami (-1)

At 0-11, Miami is still chasing the Holy Grail of winless seasons, the 0-14 campaign of the 1976 Buccaneers. Actually, it's more like that record is chasing them, and nipping at their heels. Last week, Miami lost 3-0 in the quagmire at Pittsburgh's Heinz Field in a game they were capable of winning. If the 'Fins are to pick up a win in their remaining five games, they'll have to do it without Ricky Williams, who was lost for the season due to a torn pectoral muscle.

"I've never been a big fan of wet grass, anyway," says Williams. "Well, it looks like it's back to the old drawing board, which, in smoker's code, means back to the couch for a 'Cheech and Chong' movie marathon and a quick listen to the entire Cypress Hill discography. It's too bad I won't be able to help the Dolphins get that first win, because God knows I helped get them to this point, what with my retirement, suspension, and overall bad decisions."

It's unclear what Jets fans have wanted more this year: Chad Pennington to be benched, or for those unsuspecting top-heavy female Jet fans to acquiesce to the suggestive chants of the Gate D crowd and show their wares. Apparently, Eric Mangini is more easily persuaded than the ladies because Kellen Clemens has been the starter for two weeks, and Clemens shows no signs of giving it up, or becoming the superstar many had hoped for. In any case, Clemens's main objective is to keep the Dolphins winless.

"I think Cam Cameron is doing a bang-up job of that so far," says Clemens. "Granted, Miami has experienced an inordinate amount of injuries this year, with Ronnie Brown and Trent Green going down early in the year, and Ricky Williams and Jesse Chatman getting hurt on Monday. It looks like none of those guys will be returning this year. Who's their trainer? Kathy Bates? Anyway, you never want to be the team that loses to the team that could possibly be the worst in league history. And you don't want to be the team listed as a one-point underdog to said team. I guess it's too late to do anything about that."

Jets win, 21-20.

Cleveland @ Arizona (-1)

The Cards suffered a crushing blow last week when Kurt Warner fumbled in the end zone, and Tully Banta-Cain's recovery gave the 49ers a 37-31 overtime victory, and a sweep of Arizona this year. A win would have positioned the Cardinals at the forefront in the race for one of the wild card spots in the NFC. Now, at 5-6, they're in the boat with five other 5-6 teams most likely battling for one spot.

"I take responsibility for this loss," says Warner. "It was a mistake of biblical proportions, as the fumble recovery by Cain would attest. It was the biggest drop since Moses spiked the Ten Commandments, which, I believe, was the first instance of intentional grounding in the history of mankind. Even then it was a loss of down, forcing Moses to punt to the Mount Sinai False Idols. Boy, talk about a team in need of a leader."

Despite a 7-4 record, the Browns are a one-point underdog to the 5-6 Cardinals. Which begs the question: are the Browns getting their due respect?

"If you ask me," says Kellen Winslow, "I'd say 'no.' Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards, and myself are having Pro Bowl-caliber years, and Brady Quinn gets the Subway commercial. If Derek wasn't white, I'd say there was some racism involved. Trust me, I should be the one slingin' footlongs, not Brady. If the money's right, I hear Brady's ready to give up football for the male lead in High School Musical 3."

The Browns trail the Steelers by only one game in the AFC North. A wild card berth seems likely, but the division crown is not out of the question for Cleveland. Assuming they get by Arizona, they'd finish at the Jets, at home against Buffalo, at Cincinnati, and at home versus San Francisco. Not exactly a murderers' row of opponents. The Steelers have to go to New England next week, and face the Jaguars in Pittsburgh the following week. Will everything fall into place for the Browns? Probably not, but stranger things have happened, like backup rookie quarterbacks starring in commercials for national food chains. Browns win, 31-27.

Denver @ Oakland (+3)

Prior to Denver's 37-34 overtime loss to the Bears last week, Bronco punter and junkie Todd Sauerbrun told reporters that the Broncos would not shy away from kicking to Bears kick return king Devin Hester. Well, Sauerbrun's no liar, at least while he's not under oath. The Broncos did kick to Hester, and Hester returned a punt and a kickoff for touchdowns. On both occasions, Sauerbrun ended up on his back, then ate some crow, and had humble pie for dessert.

"I guess I shouldn't have doubted Hester's greatness," says Sauerbrun. "I should be thanking the guy. He's the only reason reporters talk to punters. I haven't answered this many questions since I appealed my four-game suspension last year. And I've definitely never been this honest."

The Raiders' 20-17 win over the Chiefs last week was their first AFC West triumph in their last 17 division games. With a victory under their belt, they can now focus their attention on bigger and better things.

"You must mean things that keep the big boss man, Al Davis, happy," says Lane Kiffin. "But not necessarily what's best for the team or a particular player. Al's been on me to play No. 1 pick JaMarcus Russell. Oh, Al could care less about Russell's development. He just wants to capitalize on merchandise sales. As soon as Russell completes his first pass, Al wants apparel and posters commemorating the 'JaMaculate Reception' on the shelves immediately."

It's an unsettling feeling for the Raiders, knowing they are about to embark on another long AFC West losing streak. That's much like the unsettling feeling young ladies get when they realize, just a bit too late, that they shouldn't have accepted that drink from Sebastian Janikowski. Oakland doesn't have a game-breaking kick returner, or a game-breaking anything for that matter, so the Broncos won't be beaten by their own horrible special teams play. Denver wins, 27-19.

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans (-3)

A week after demolishing the Panthers, 31-6, the Saints' task gets decidedly tougher as they face the NFC South-leading Buccaneers, who have yet to lose a division game this year. A win would pull New Orleans back to .500 and to within one game of the Bucs for the division lead.

"The .500 winning percentage has been like an impenetrable barrier to us," says Sean Payton, much like the 100-yard mark for Reggie Bush, and much unlike the levees that protect this low-lying city from the threat of surging water. We've been at .500 once; we hope to get their again."

Tampa's Jeff Garcia hurt his back early in last week's 19-13 win over Washington. His availability for Sunday's game is still up in the air, but at kickoff on Sunday, it's apparent that Garcia has a fan base in the Big Easy, as a banner reading "Hey Garcia, hope you're 'back' soon" attests. Garcia sees the sign, takes a cortisone shot to the spine, and leads the Bucs to a 29-24 win.

NY Giants @ Chicago (+2)

As his brother Peyton watched comfortably from a luxury suite in Giants Stadium, Eli Manning threw four interceptions, three of which were returned for touchdowns in the Giants' 41-17 loss at home to the Vikings. Afterwards, Eli was comforted by Peyton, who gave his younger brother a Super Bowl-ring powered noogie, an Indian burn, and the dreaded pantsing/atomic wedgie combo. Peyton then rifled through the Manning family photo album, and checked his family's birth records, making sure that Eli was never a red-head, and not a step-child.

"That was a pathetic performance," says Tom Coughlin, stifling a fit of rage with the soothing sounds of Yanni Live at Royal Albert Hall. "We were awful. Just awful. You might as well call us the 'Abominable G-Men.' I don't even think Yukon Cornelius could have whipped these guys into shape for the Minnesota game. But I will give them this: my players are always on time for meetings, plane trips, and bus trips. Furthermore, they're right on time for their yearly late-season collapse, which usually coincides with the holiday season."

New York's keys to victory hinge on two important aspects: keeping the ball away from Devin Hester, and Manning's ability to distinguish Plaxico Burress, Amani Toomer, and Jeremy Shockey from Chicago defenders. Usually, wearing a different uniform than your opponent will suffice in the latter respect, but just to be on the safe side, Burress, Toomer, and Shockey each attach one of those orange flags on an eight-foot pole to their helmets. Yeah, the same kind you had on your bike when you were 11.

Manning correctly throws two touchdown passes, and the G-Men bounce back with a 23-20 win.

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh (-7)

Do you think Chad Johnson can come up with a better touchdown celebration in Pittsburgh than the one he debuted last week against the Titans, in which he mounted a platform and manned a television camera?

"Don't worry," says Johnson. "If I score a touchdown in Pittsburgh, I'll rip up a roll of sod, ride it like a surfboard, and shout 'Turf's Up!' Hopefully, those groundskeepers in the Steel City will have the turf in respectable condition come game day. It really wasn't good planning to run 13 Breeder's Cup races the day before a big Monday night game."

The Bengals come to the Heinz on a roll, in the midst of their fourth one-game winning streak of the year. That's tops in the NFL. In last week's 35-6 blitzing of the Titans, Carson Palmer and Johnson connected three times for touchdowns, giving Bengals fans hope that the passing game can carry the team to consecutive wins.

"I really think the return of Chris Henry has helped Chad and T.J. Houshmandzadeh," says Palmer. "With those three on the field, there's no way the opposition can bring a double-team. Chris is really a changed man. I think a lot of that has to do with a higher power, a man known to Chris and others as the Chief of Police. Chris has also benefitted from a new behavioral program for trouble players centered around weekly poetry readings. We call it 'Prose and Cons.' And Chris actually has a pretty good relationship with the commissioner now."

Yeah, the commissioner of Miller Lite's More Taste League, not NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

Steelers win, 30-24.

New England @ Baltimore (-20)

What did New England's narrow 31-28 victory have in common with several of their other victories this year? Yeah, that's right. The Pats were still trying to score late in the fourth quarter. But if winning pretty is winning by forty, then the Patriots can win ugly, too. And, they can win even if Randy Moss doesn't have a huge game.

"It's funny how when that happens and you're on an undefeated team," says Moss, "nobody questions your effort. I bet if I mooned the fans in Green Bay, Joe Buck would get a big kick out of it. The little bastard. Anyway, we're still undefeated, my cornrows are still tight, and the 1972 Dolphins are still nervous, and not just because of impending death from natural causes. Did those guys wear facemasks back then?"

Despite his team's 4-7 record, and despite the lack of an offense, and despite the Ravens opening as 20-point underdogs, and despite the absence of Jim Fassel to fire and blame for his team's offensive incompetence, Brian Billick is surprisingly chipper about playing the undefeated and undisputed Patriots.

"I think the Patriots quest for an undefeated season is great for the league," says Billick. "I'm reaping the benefits myself. 'Billick' sounds a lot like 'Belichick.' I can't tell you the number of times I've been mistaken for Belichick. I've graciously accepted congratulations. What's that? No, of course I didn't correct them. I'm a sucker for basking in the glory that someone else is responsible for. Didn't you see me celebrate the Super Bowl victory that Marvin Lewis won me? Anyway, Belichick and myself have a lot in common. We're both Super Bowl champs, and neither of us will be in Baltimore next year."

Patriots win, 30-6.

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