NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 2

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch — Busch led 14 laps in the rain-delayed Auto Club 500 and survived a brush with the wall on lap 114 to finish fourth. He led as late as lap 150, but fell to the advances of Jimmie Johnson, Jeff Gordon, and eventual winner Carl Edwards. Busch now leads the Sprint Cup points standings by six points, which is the first time a Toyota driver has topped the points.

"I do more with the Interstate Batteries car by 9:00 AM than J.J. Yeley did in a career," says Busch. "And I'm also pretty handy in a Nationwide series car, as well as a Craftman truck. Put me in a Sherman tank, and I'd be the No. 1 driver at Michael Waltrip Racing. Shoot, if I'd been behind the wheel of a white Bronco, they'd still be looking for O.J. Simpson."

2. Jimmie Johnson — Starting on the pole after a washed-out qualifying, Johnson led a race-high 76 laps, but had no answer for the Roush Fenway-powered Ford of Carl Edwards, who passed Johnson with about 15 laps to go. Johnson finished second, an impressive rebound from his 27th at Daytona.

"I've got to hand it to Fox TV for trying their darndest to get this race completed on Sunday," says Johnson. "But that rain was as persistent as the lack of creativity of the drivers who were asked to name that blasted gopher running the 'Gopher-Cam.' Who wants to see a ground-level view of cars speeding by at 180 miles per hour? Practically useless. Heck, you might as well put a camera in the exhaust pipe, or in a public restroom frequented by an itchy-fingered George Michael and call it the 'Wham Cam.' Now that's entertainment. Anyway, what makes FOX think a gopher is the most talented filmmaker in the rodent family. Personally, I'm much more partial to beaver shots."

3. Tony Stewart — Stewart finished sixth in California, then hopped in his Nationwide ride and picked up his second consecutive Nationwide Series win. Stewart remains third in the Nextel standings, 19 behind leader and teammate Kyle Busch.

"It was a grueling weekend," says Stewart. "But overall, I'd say it was a great success. I'm fat and happy. On that note, I'd like to congratulate Subway's Jared Fogle for 10 years of not being a fat slob. By the way, Jared, those pants fit comfortably over my No. 20 Home Depot Toyota. Come to think of it, at my current rate of growth, those pants will soon fit comfortably on me."

4. Jeff Gordon — While running third on the final lap, Gordon's engine blew, bringing out the race's final caution. Luckily for Gordon, NASCAR rules mandate that the field is frozen when the caution flies. Thus, he held on to his third-place finish, and
improved 24 places in the points to 12th.

"What's this?" asks Gordon. "I finish third in the Auto Club 500, and all I get is this lousy t-shirt that says 'Free Robbie Gordon.' Well, I'll try my best to free Robbie, and I'll even throw in a vote for Pedro. As for Robbie, I believe he's sporting the 'I'm With Stupid' t-shirt in honor of the idiot who sent him the unapproved front bumper cover."

5. Carl Edwards — Edwards took charge late at Fontana's 2-mile oval, passing Jimmie Johnson on lap 234 and cruising to victory in his Roush Fenway Ford. Edwards celebrated with his typical backflip, and stuck the landing despite unsure footing caused by water seeping from the "weepers." Edwards then capped his backflip with a fist in the air.

"It's got nothing to do with 'Black Power,' says Edwards. "I just like seeing 'Matt cower.' Kenseth is still a little squeamish from our incident last year. Why, just the other day in a team meeting, I simply raised my hand to ask a question, and Matt wet himself. Not only is he sponsored by DeWalt Tools, he is a DeWalt tool."

6. Ryan Newman — Apparently, the manifestation of God's omnipotence in the form of a push from No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge does not occur on Monday's. Newman didn't get the 'push from God' that supposedly powered him to his Daytona victory. Still, the Lord saw fit for Newman to finish tenth and lead three laps in the Auto Club 500.

"And on the seventh day," says Newman, "God said, 'Boogity, boogity, boogity! Let there be racing!' But, it seems, God, like the majority of fans in Fontana, couldn't hang around for a Monday finish. By golly, we sure could have used some fiery hail to dry that track out on Sunday. NASCAR probably would have made us race in that as well. As it was, you could count on two hands the number of fans there on Monday. Sad, but still, that beat the number of moviegoers that braved ridicule for the opening weekend of Larry The Cable Guy's new offering, Witless Protection."

7. Kurt Busch — Busch ran out of fuel on lap 123 and fell a lap down, but recovered with a few strategic pit stops to finish 13th. He is now fourth in the points, 36 behind younger brother Kyle.

"Hey, my time in California was much like the heavyweight unification bout between Wladimir Klitschko and Sultan Ibragimov," says Busch. "No one got punched."

8. Kasey Kahne — Kahne put the Dale Earnhardt Incorporated Budweiser Chevy (or the Evernham Bud Dodge, but that sounds like Kahne---boring) in the top 10 for the second-straight race, following his seventh at Daytona with a ninth in the Auto Club 500. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 41 out of first.

"Hey, Teresa Earnhardt ain't so bad," says Kahne. "We have a lot in common. She fell into DEI ownership, and I fell into Budweiser sponsorship. And, oh yeah, neither one of us is blood related to Dale Earnhardt."

9. Matt Kenseth — Like his Roush Fenway brethren, Kenseth ran strong at California, finishing fifth as teammate and bully Carl Edwards won the race. Four Roush Fenway drivers led laps in the Auto Club 500, and this makes four California early season races in a row won by Roush Fenway racers. Kenseth won this race in 2006 and 2007.

"I assume the comments about my 'nice intermediate package' were compliments," says Kenseth. "If you think that's something, you should see my huge manifold."

10. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — On lap 21, Earnhardt smacked the No. 5 car of teammate Casey Mears, who bounced off the wall after hitting a slick spot. Earnhardt's No. 88 Hendrick Amp Energy Drink Chevrolet suffered severe damage, and he finished 40th, 47 laps off the pace.

"The one thing I feared most about joining a new team has reared its ugly head," says Earnhardt. "Hendrick-on-Hendrick violence. And I thought that was only a problem in the ghetto. Anyway, I was surprised that Tom Cruise, who was at the track, didn't attend to the accident, since, as a Scientologist, he's one of the few capable of actually helping. Anyway, I'm very disappointed with my finish, especially for my fans. Whether it's my male fans, the 'Amp-u-tees,' my lady fans, the 'Amp-u-tantes,' or my fans of undetermined gender, the 'Amp-biguous,' I always try to please them with a good finish."

Comments and Conversation

February 28, 2008


Uhh was that satire about kahne or are you guys just out of it? I’m pretty sure kahne still drives for Gem, you know a dodge.

February 29, 2008



It was satire and I’m just out of it. He also doesn’t drive for DEI, but it’s hard to see the Bud car and not think it’s Dale, Jr. I bet Teresa think Kahne drives for her.

February 29, 2008


Jeff, another quality effort. The best Friday column and the only one I read religiously is your Nascar Top 10 Power Rankings. Don’t let the mindless and humorless sway you.
“Amp-u-Taintes”—what a Classic…

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