Thursday, December 11, 2014
NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 15
Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Arizona @ St. Louis (-4½)
The Rams posted their second consecutive shutout win, blanking the Redskins 24-0 to follow up Week 14's 52-0 blowout of the Raiders.
"We may be taking this social protest thing a little too far," Jeff Fisher said, "because our defense has a 'take no prisoners' mentality. And it may get even worse. I hear my whole team is planning to wear jersey No. 4 when they hit the field for the first time on Thursday. Confused? Me too. Apparently, it's their statement against 'excessive 4s.'
"Right now, as far as the Cardinals go, I feel we're the better team, 'hands down.' Defensively, we're clicking. Gregg Williams has crafted an attacking unit that won't back down. Like many things in Missouri, some would call our defense 'overly aggressive.'"
The Cardinals snapped a two-game losing streak with a hard-fought 17-14 win over the visiting Chiefs. Arizona is 10-3 and still holds a one-game lead over the 9-4 Seahawks.
"Like us," Bruce Arians said, "the Rams have been relying heavily on their defense. Their offense is average, but two consecutive shutouts have earned the Rams defense the nickname 'The Greatest No on Turf.'
"But don't discount our defense. They give us our best chance to win, and our best chance to score."
Arizona wins, 15-13.
Pittsburgh @ Atlanta (+3)
The Steelers responded in a must-win situation, whipping the Bengals at Cincinnati 35-21. Le'Veon Bell score three touchdowns and recorded 235 yards from scrimmage.
"Le'Veon has had 61 touches in the last two week," Ben Roethlisberger said. "That's an amazing number, especially since not a single one was deemed inappropriate.
"I want to be sure we don't overwork Bell. Mike Tomlin has assured me we will not. However, in my life, I've learned that 'no' can mean 'yes.'"
Atlanta's hold on the NFC South lead took a hit at Lambeau Field in a 43-37 loss. Matt Ryan passed for 375 yards, including 259 to Julio Jones, and 4 touchdowns in a losing effort. Luckily, the Saints lost to the Panthers, so the Falcons remained tied with New Orleans, with the Panthers just a ½-game back.
"It appears things just went from worse to bad," Mike Smith said. "That's the nature of life in the NFC South: you can lose, and still hold your position, as a team and as a coach.
"Obviously, we need to contain Bell. And while we're on the subject of overworked 'backs,' how about those of Matt Ryan and Julio Jones — those guys carried the whole team at Green Bay. When people say the NFC champion will go 'through' Green Bay, they must mean their defense."
Pittsburgh wins, 35-27.
Washington @ NY Giants (-7)
The Redskins were shutout 24-0 by the Rams at FedEx Field, sending the home-standing 'Skins their tenth loss of the season. Colt McCoy was injured in the loss, leaving Robert Griffin III with mop-up duty.
"The Rams really humiliated us," Jay Gruden said, "before the game even started. Their captains for the coin toss were the six players they acquired in the RG III trade. That's quite a 'Haul of Fame' class. Did anyone ever think of doing the same thing to Mike Ditka when he was Saints' coach? I doubt it. I don't think the league allows 14 captains at the coin toss.
"I hear you can get a ticket to a 'Skins game for $4. Now, ordinary fans can be just like Daniel Snyder and spend way too much for useless commodities."
The Giants hammered the Titans in Nashville 36-7, snapping their seven-game losing streak. Rookies Odell Beckham, Jr. and Andre Williams had big games, and the Giants defense scored once.
"As opposed to last week in Jacksonville," Tom Coughlin said, "we put it all together at Tennessee. There's quite a difference between a 'complete game' and 'completely game.'
"I find it remarkable that people are no longer talking about the 'Redskins' nickname. That doesn't mean the 'natives' aren't restless. Washington fans want a name to change, all right. They just want it to be that of their owner, coach, general manager, and quarterback, to name a few."
Giants win, 27-17.
Miami @ New England (-7)
The Patriots have all but locked up the AFC East title, but Sunday's order of business is avenging their Week 1 loss at Miami. New England is fresh off a 23-14 win at San Diego, and a win over the Dolphins would clinch the AFC East title.
"Payback's a cinch," Tom Brady said. "Unless you're Jonas Gray, then payback's a bench. I hear a hot new Christmas gift is the 'Jonas Gray Alarm Clock.' It works like any other alarm clock, with one exception: if you set the alarm incorrectly, Bill Belichick will give you a personal 'wake-up call.'
"The forecast for Foxboro calls for chilly temperatures on Sunday. It will be cold, but not too cold. A high of 6 degrees Celsius is forecast. Oh, you want that in Fahrenheit? Pardon my language, but I'll be glad to '°F' that for you — it's 43 degrees Fahrenheit."
The Dolphins blew a 10-0 first quarter lead and lost to the Ravens 28-13 at Sun Life Stadium. Miami is 7-6 and currently out of the playoff picture.
"To say this is a must-win game is an understatement," Joe Philbin said. "To try and win, we'll have to pull out all the stops, like fake punts, onside kicks, flea flickers, and pass attempts of 12 or more yards downfield. Passing will be difficult against the Patriots. Darrelle Revis is arguably the best cornerback in football. He is the smartest, and there's no arguing that. He was smart enough to get the heck out of New York and Tampa. Of course, it doesn't take a genius to know that."
New England wins, 31-16.
Oakland @ Kansas City (-10)
The Raiders shocked the 49ers 24-13, led by rookie Derek Carr, who passed for 254 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"I told my guys there's only room for one team in San Francisco Bay," Tony Sparano said, "and it's us. And I told 'em to go out and play their hardest and put all other distractions behind them. Our rallying cry was 'It's All About That Bay's, No Trouble,' and it seemed to work."
The Chiefs lost their third straight game, a 17-14 decision at Arizona, and are 7-6. Kansas City would likely need to win their remaining three games to have any chance to make the playoffs.
"Indeed," Andy Reid said, "our chances didn't look good two games ago. Now they look even worse. Our playoff hopes are a lot like my girdle — 'slimming.'
"But anything is possible when you have Jamaal Charles on your team. I feel he's the best running back in the league. He can practically do it all. There's only one thing he can't do, and that's throw a touchdown pass to a wide receiver. That qualifies him to be our quarterback."
Kansas City wins, 27-13.Houston @ Indianapolis (-7)
The Texans beat the Jaguars 27-13 last week to remain two games behind the Colts in the AFC South. Houston will need a win on the road at Lucas Oil Stadium to have any chance of catching the Colts.
"J.J. Watt dominated again," Bill O'Brien said. "He had 3 sacks, 4 tackles for losses, 5 quarterback hits, and a pass defended. He spent more time in the Jacksonville backfield than some of their offensive lineman."
Andrew Luck engineered a fourth quarter, game-ending drive, finding T.Y. Hilton for a one-yard TD pass with 32 seconds left to give the Colts a 25-24 win over the Browns. Indy is 9-4 and can clinch the AFC South title with a win.
"I don't consider myself a hero," Luck said. "A hero would be a Colts running back who rushes for 100 yards in a game. But I like our backfield now with Boom Herron and Trent Richardson sharing time. We call it the 'Boom And Bust' duo."
Indianapolis wins, 30-24.
Jacksonville @ Baltimore (-14)
The Jaguars lost to the Texans 27-13 last week to drop to 2-11, tied with the Titans for last in the AFC South. They'll face a motivated Ravens team eager to keep their playoff status on solid footing.
"Are we really 14-point underdogs?" Gus Bradley said. "That seems excessive. I don't think the Ravens will cover; I do think they'll cover up.
"I'm sure the trash talk will be flying in this game. The Ravens like to talk, unless it's to NFL investigators. In Baltimore, it's always a case of 'he said, she said, they said.' If you ask anyone in the Baltimore organization to swear on a bible, you won't get the truth, or the whole truth. You will get anything but the truth."
The Ravens erased an early 10-0 deficit at Miami before storming back for a dominant 28-13 win. The Baltimore defense bounced back from a poor week 14 performance with six sacks of Ryan Tannehill.
"All that without Haloti Ngata," John Harbaugh said. "He's suspended for the remainder of the regular season for violating the league's performance-enhancing drug policy. See, even drugs aren't safe from abuse by Ravens.
"But we can't tell our players what to put in their bodies no more than we can tell them how not to appear on surveillance video. I can tell them that there are no restrictions on getting after Bortles on Sunday."
The Ravens sack Bortles 7 times and force 3 turnovers.
Baltimore wins, 27-6.
Green Bay @ Buffalo (+4½)
Aaron Rodgers passed for 327 yards and three touchdowns, continuing his perfection at home, as the Packers outlasted the Falcons in a 43-37 shootout. Green Bay accumulated 502 total yards, while Atlanta posted 465.
"I don't need to make excuses for our defense," Rodgers said. "If there's one thing they can defend, it's themselves.'"
The Bills lost 24-17 to the Broncos at Denver last week and fell to 7-6. Orton passed for 355 yards and 2 touchdowns, while Peyton Manning went without a TD pass for the first time in 51 games.
"Manning uncharacteristically struggled," Orton said. "There was a time in Denver when a game like that would have got you pulled for Tim Tebow."
Green Bay wins, 27-20.
Tampa Bay @ Carolina (-5)
The Panthers jumped to a 17-0 lead at New Orleans and completely dominated the Saints on their way to a 41-10 win. Cam Newton passed for 226 yards and rushed for 83 and had 3 touchdowns.
"Finally," Ron Rivera said, "Cam played like 'Superman.' And, just like a super hero, you never know when Cam will show up.
"Cam's 'Superman' celebration in the Superdome really upset the Saints and sparked a wild brawl. I think the Saints were offended that a player on a team with eight losses would dare celebrate anything. But the fists were flying. I'd say we got the best of them. Even after the fight, we kept punching the Saints in the mouth. Now the Saints can join the Ravens on the list of teams that are glad Steve Smith is not a Panther."
The Bucs dropped a 34-17 decision at Detroit and fell to 2-11 on the year. The loss officially eliminated the Bucs from playoff contention.
"I guess we're relegated to playing the role of 'spoiler,'" Lovie Smith said. "Usually, that's a job reserved for our quarterback."
Injuries sustained in an automobile accident on Tuesday rendered Newton unable to play. So while "Cam Newton and the Car Wreck" dominated the headlines mid-week, Monday's headlines are sure to feature "Derek Anderson and the Train Wreck."
Panthers wins 22-20.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland (Even)
The Browns succumbed to Andrew Luck's late heroics in a 25-24 loss at the Dawg Pound. The Cleveland defense kept them in the game as Brian Hoyer again struggled, with only 140 yards passing and 2 interceptions.
"I should have been in the game," Johnny Manziel said. "Just call Mike Pettine 'Bernie Kosar,' because he doesn't know how to manage 'Money.'
"Josh Gordon needs the ball more, and I would get it to him. He had only two catches against the Colts. Part of Josh's terms of reinstatement was that he couldn't be 'wasted.'"
The Bengals suffered a big home loss to the Steelers, losing 42-21. Despite the loss, Cincy, at 8-4-1, still leads the AFC North by ½-game over the Steelers and Ravens.
"I'd have to throw a red flag on that performance," Marvin Lewis said, "because it certainly needs review.
"I called Manziel a 'midget' in a radio interview. That's something I said that was taken way out of context. When I said Manziel was a midget, I meant he liked 'shorties.' I may be dating myself, but I assume that means he likes short girls. To each his own I say. Heck, Josh Gordon likes 'fat ones.'"
Cincinnati wins, 26-20.
NY Jets @ Tennessee (+2)
The Jets woeful season continued at Minnesota, where New York lost 30-24 in overtime to the Vikings. The Jets fells to 2-11 and are winless on the road this year.
"I'm just waiting on the inevitable," Rex Ryan said. "No, not Geno Smith's next interception, but my firing. That doesn't sound sexy at all. There's only one 'boot' I like, and that one on my wife's foot.
"Geno Smith said he's shown 'Pro Bowl flashes' this year. By definition, a 'flash' is something that appears only momentarily, usually for less than a second. So, yes, Geno has shown Pro Bowl flashes. Two at the most."
The Titans were blown out by the Giants 36-7. Tennessee's lone touchdown came on a return of an Eli Manning interception. Zach Mettenberger is out for the season with a Grade III shoulder sprain.
"And speaking of 'third grade,'" Ken Whisenhunt said, "Jake Locker's knowledge of the play book is still limited.
"I know exactly what Ryan must be going through. I too have quite a stable of useless quarterbacks and a defense sick of spending 45 minutes of the game on the field."
Jets win, 24-16.
Denver @ San Diego (+4)
The Broncos handled the Bills 24-17 in Denver as the Broncos again established a strong running attack. C.J. Anderson had all three of Denver's touchdowns, and Peyton Manning's streak of 51 consecutive games with a TD pass ended.
"As they say," Manning said, "all good things must come to an end. Like your fantasy season.
"But don't think my arm is showing the after-effects of the rigors of a long season. Sure, I know a lot of so-called experts would label my performance as 'Peyton in December,' or 'Eli In September,' or 'a good day for a New York Jet,' or 'Trent Dilfer in a Super Bowl-winning performance.' But don't worry about my arm. It's got a mind of its own, and that mind is that of a cold, hard killer, in that it has no feeling.
"I hear Ryan Leaf was recently released from a Montana prison. Leaf a free man? That's a prescription for disaster. Leaf was the second player selected after me in the 1998 NFL Draft. That pretty much sealed his fate, because his life has been 'No. 2' since then."
The Broncos ramp up the passing game, and Manning throws for 280 yards and 4 touchdowns.
Denver wins, 31-28.
Minnesota @ Detroit (-8)
The Lions defeated the Buccaneers 34-17 last week, improving their record to 9-4. Matthew Stafford passed for 311 yards and threw 3 TD passes.
"It was another stellar performance by our defense," Stafford said. "They're the NFL's second-ranked defense. Of course, the defense is lead by none other than Ndamukong Suh. Suh's a free at season's end, and it's imperative we resign him. For Christ's sake, we don't want him ending up somewhere else, like Chicago, Minnesota, or New York, or on Broadway in the revival of 'Stomp.'"
The Vikings beat the Jets 30-24 in overtime, winning on Jarius Wright's 87-yard touchdown pass from Teddy Bridgewater. Minnesota is 6-7, third in the NFC North.
"Teddy's having a breakout season," Mike Zimmer said. "Casual fans may not have known him at the beginning of the season, but they do now. Fan's now call him the 'Whizzinator,' because he's recognized in airports."
Detroit wins, 23-20.San Francisco @ Seattle (-10)
The Seahawks stormed into Philadelphia last week and handed the Eagles a 24-14 defeat. Russell Wilson had three touchdowns, and the Seahawks held Philly to 139 total yards.
"We are playing our best," Wilson said. "We are certainly capable of defending our Super Bowl title, and that's a statement that certainly bears 'repeating.'
"Right now, we hold the NFC's No. 5 seed, which would entail a wild card round playoff game on the road at the home of the NFC South winner. That would be called away-field advantage. And we don't mind facing the Packers in Green Bay, provided their defense will be there.
"The 49ers will be 7-7 if we beat them. That would probably eliminate them from playoff contention. Ask my teammates what they think about San Fran's outlook, and they'll tell you it's plenty 'black enough.'"
Seattle wins, 20-16.
Dallas @ Philadelphia (-3½)
The Cowboys whipped the Bears at Soldier Field 41-28 behind big days from Tony Romo and DeMarco Murray. Murray rushed for 179 yards, and Romo threw 3 touchdown passes.
"I may or may not have been playing with broken rib," Romo said. "I guess you can say we haven't been very forthcoming on the injury report where my various internal injuries are concerned. Even our injury report itself is listed as questionable.
"But I'm not different than any other Cowboy on our roster. We all play with nagging pains, many if not all of them named 'Jerry.'"
The Eagles lost for the first time at home this year, falling to the Seahawks 24-14. Philadelphia was limited to 159 yards of total offense, including only 96 yards passing from Mark Sanchez.
"Sanchez played for Pete Carroll at USC," Chip Kelly said. "In fact, I think Carroll tried to discourage Mark from leaving school after his junior year. It's not the first time Mark's been accused of entering early."
Eagles win, 27-24.
New Orleans @ Chicago (+3)
The Panthers destroyed the Saints, 41-10, last week, dealing a damaging blow to New Orleans' playoff hopes. Carolina piled up 497 yards of total offense in sending the Saints to their worst defeat this year.
"I'm not taking questions about the playoffs," Sean Payton said, "and I'm certainly not performing my Jim Mora impression.
"That was embarrassing. Our fans were booing. Some were crying. Others were asking, 'Boo who dat?' But guess what? I cut wide receiver Joe Morgan on Tuesday. And don't be surprised if there's more of the same. Only this time, 'heads rolling' will save us money."
The Bears continued to struggle, losing to the Cowboys, 41-28, last Thursday night. To compound issues, Brandon Marshall was lost for the season with broken ribs and an injured lung suffered in the game.
"Brandon is our unquestioned leader," Marc Trestman said, "whereas Jay Cutler is our 'questioned' leader, because everyone questions his leadership. If Jay were an enemy of Batman, he would most certainly be the 'Riddler,' because there are question marks all around him."
The Saints show a little fight, and the Saints pile up 421 yards of offense.
New Orleans wins, 34-24.