Today is Super Tuesday in the USA. It's one of the most important days in the 2016 presidential election. If you're registered to vote, please do so. Both Democrats and Republicans are holding primary elections in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, and Virginia, and both parties are caucusing in Colorado. Today is also the Republican primary in Alaska and Wyoming.
In most of these states, you don't have to be registered with a party to vote in its primary. Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Minnesota, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, and Virginia all have open primaries, meaning anyone can vote in the primary (though you only get to vote for Democrats or Republicans, not both!). So Minnesota Republicans, you can vote in the Democratic primary. Georgia Democrats, you can vote in the Republican primary.
Oklahoma's Republican primary is closed to independents, but in some areas of the state, independent Oklahomans can choose between Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primary.
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On this big day in the electoral calendar, I thought it would be fun to compare the major presidential candidates to famous athletes. In Edwin O'Connor's 1956 novel The Last Hurrah, the main character (Mayor Frank Skeffington) describes politics as the greatest spectator sport in America. I majored in political science, so I observe politicians just as I observe athletes. This is sort of a slow time on the sports calendar — none of the major U.S. leagues are holding playoffs right now, and the two biggest sports, football and baseball, are out of season entirely. Please understand: this article is a goofing-around exercise during that slow period, so don't read too much into the comparisons below. This article is not intended to endorse or condemn any candidate.
Donald Trump reminds me of: Charles Barkley
Charles Barkley is loud, opinionated, and outrageous, just like Trump. A lot of what he says doesn't make sense, but people love listening to him because he's funny and irreverent and not afraid to be impolite or controversial. Barkley was known as the Round Mound of Rebound, and I can't see Donald boxing out in the paint, but he's roughly the same shape as Sir Charles. Barkley has been bald forever, while Trump has the most elaborate combover in the history of humankind. It's not a perfect match, but their public personas are just too similar to pass up.
Or maybe: Terrell Owens. The king of the diva wide receivers is a perfect comparison for a politician who talks about himself as often as Trump.
Or maybe: Conor McGregor. He's a rude loudmouth, who keeps winning and proving his doubters wrong. You love him or hate him; nobody's neutral.
Hillary Clinton reminds me of: Barry Bonds
The front-runner whom nobody really trusts. According to betting markets, Clinton is the overwhelming favorite to be the next President of the United States, but even some of her supporters consider her manipulative and dishonest. In the early 2000s, nearly everyone thought Barry Bonds was cheating, but he also won four consecutive National League MVPs and played in a World Series. Clinton is haunted by numerous scandals, but she plays the game of politics the way Barry played baseball. Like Bonds, Secretary Clinton has a famous relative who helped her get a foot in the door.
Or maybe: Lance Armstrong. For kind of the same reasons.
Or maybe: Tiger Woods in 2005. The overwhelming favorite in every event he entered, but with no personality beyond his desire to win.
Marco Rubio reminds me of: Tim Tebow
He's young and good-looking, but seems a little out of his depth. Tebow was a great college player, but he just didn't have the talent for the NFL. Rubio's Senate career obviously pointed in the direction of a presidential run, but it's not clear whether he's prepared for this level of competition.
Or maybe: Novak Djokovic. He's not Roger Federer or Rafael Nadal, but he's everyone's second choice.
Or maybe: Marcus Mariota. He's young, and he hasn't really done anything yet, but a lot of people expect great things from him.
Bernie Sanders reminds me of: Michael Sam
There are a lot of young people rooting for him, but also a lot of people who hate what he stands for and will never support him. No matter how much he inspires people, the odds were always against his succeeding. Continuing the NFL/NCAA analogy I used for Rubio ... Michael Sam was a great college player, SEC Defensive Player of the Year. He never played a regular-season game in the NFL. Bernie Sanders has been in Congress for decades, and he's wildly popular in Vermont. But at the presidential level, success has proven harder, and the odds were always against him.
Or maybe: Vince Lombardi. He's an old guy from Brooklyn, and he yells a lot.
Or maybe: Sandy Koufax in 1966. He's Jewish, he has principles, and he's not going to be in this game for very much longer.
Ted Cruz reminds me of: Chip Kelly
His approach is so unusual as to be extreme, and a lot of his colleagues don't like him. Also, they look a little bit alike. Both have unusual beliefs about what works and what's important, and both hold those beliefs very strongly, in ways that shape their entire approach to the profession, making them potential outcasts if things break the wrong way.
Or maybe: Bill Belichick. If you're not cheating, you're not trying.
Or maybe: Jim Harbaugh. Because I wanted to stick with football coaches, and not being well-liked is one of Cruz's best-known characteristics.
I know John Kasich and Ben Carson haven't officially dropped out yet, and Michael Bloomberg could mount a credible independent challenge if Trump and Sanders win the nominations, but I don't think any of those candidacies are especially realistic. Kasich is like Scottie Pippen: he can't realistically lead the team, though he might be a good second-in-command if you have a superstar leading the charge. Carson is quiet and dignified (like Tim Duncan) but the more he speaks, the less confidence he inspires. This isn't entirely fair to Carson, but the comparison that strikes me is Steve Carlton. Bloomberg is Drew Brees to the major parties' Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. There are things he does well, but he's ultimately the third wheel in a two-person race.
Reminder of disclaimer: All in good fun, my friends. No matter who your preferred candidate, don't forget to vote. Kansas, Louisiana, and Nebraska also vote later this week (Saturday, March 5). Maine holds its Republican caucus on March 5, and its Democratic caucus on Sunday, March 6.
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