NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 17

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Miami @ Buffalo (-3½)

The Dolphins lost to the Jaguars, 17-7, as the Miami offense generated only 183 yards of total offense.

"We just didn't execute offensively," Ryan Tannehill said. "It's performances like this that will drive an offensive coordinator to cocaine, and it's cocaine that will drive him to a relationship with a stripper."

The Bills lost 24-12 to the Patriots.

"I'm happy to see Nathan Peterman has found a new home in Oakland," Sean McDermott said. "And it makes sense. Nathan's career has been headed into a 'Black Hole' since he was drafted by the Bills."

Bills win, 23-16.

Detroit @ Green Bay (-7½)

The Lions lost 27-9 at home to the Vikings, as Detroit managed only 3 Matt Parater field goals.

"Prater was our lone bright spot," Matt Patricia said. "Matt may have the most powerful leg in the NFL. During the holiday season, we like to call him 'Missile Toe.'

"Christmas is great, but New Year's Eve is this team's favorite day of the year. Why, you may ask? Because our favorite saying is 'there's always next year.'"

Aaron Rodgers passed for 442 yards and 2 touchdowns as the Packers beat the Jets 44-38 in overtime at MetLife Stadium. Rodgers' 16-yard TD pass to Davante Adams with 6:23 left in OT won it.

"I hear Mike McCarthy is a popular candidate for some head coaching openings," Rodgers said. "I think it goes without saying that if Mike needs references, there's not a chance I have a good word for him."

Packers win, 26-17.

Oakland @ Kansas City (-13½)

The Raiders beat the Broncos 27-14 on Monday night in what may have been their last game in Oakland.

"No one really knows where we'll play our home games next year," Jon Gruden said. "It may be San Francisco, it may be Los Angeles, it may even be London. Wherever it is, we're gonna call it 'Hole Sweet Hole.'

"We added Nathan Peterman to our roster. And I plan to 'restart' his career. Nathan should consider himself lucky, because as we've seen throughout his career, when he does start, the last thing he deserves is a restart."

The Chiefs lost 38-31 at Seattle on Sunday night despite 273 yards and 3 touchdowns from Patrick Mahomes.

"Patrick signed an endorsement deal with Hunt's ketchup," Andy Reid said. "So he's seeing red, and green."

Chiefs win, 33-24.

Chicago @ Minnesota (-4½)

The Bears outlasted the 49ers 14-9 at Levi's Stadium.

"I told my players to enjoy the win," Matt Nagy said, "but only a little bit. What's the big deal about beating a 4-11 team? Sure, a win is a win, but I can tell you where you won't beat a 4-11 team — in the playoffs, because that 4-11 team is not there.

"Anyway, in all likelihood, we'll be facing the Vikings at Soldier Field in the wild card round. So we plan on showing them very little in terms of game plan, strategy, and effort."

The Vikings beat the Lions 27-9 at Ford Field, led by Kirk Cousins, who passed for 253 yards and 3 touchdowns. If the Vikings beat the Lions, they'll secure a playoff spot.

"We're hoping the Bears rest their starters," Cousins said, "so we can rest our easy."

Vikings win, 21-17.

N.Y. Jets @ New England (-13)

The Patriots beat the Bills 24-12, led by a rushing attack that piled up 273 yards and 2 touchdowns.

"Tom Brady didn't have a good game," Bill Belichick said, "but he's not going to let that stop him. He's reaffirmed his commitment to play in 2019 and beyond. He seems to think he can play forever. He's even pitched a luxury car endorsement deal to Infiniti.

"We're moving forward without Josh Gordon. And that concludes the list of our similarities with the Browns."

The Jets lost, 44-38, in overtime at home to the Packers.

"I was very unhappy with the officiating," Todd Bowles said. "And I don't care if I get fined by the league for criticizing them. 'Cause at this point, I give 'zero F's.' Now, if I were in charge of grading that officiating crew, they would get nothing but F's."

Patriots win, 28-13.

Carolina @ New Orleans (-9)

The Panthers lost 24-10 in Taylor Heinicke's first start at quarterback. Heinicke struggled with 3 interceptions. Heinicke injured his elbow and was placed on injured reserve. Rookie Kyle Allen will start.

"We shut down Cam Newton for the season," Ron Rivera said. "He needs to focus on his health. That shouldn't be a problem for Cam, because he's a bona fide expert at wearing 'street clothes.'"

The Saints beat the visiting Steelers, 31-28, and clinched home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.

"The Panthers have a solid defense," Sean Payton said, but we think their pass defense is vulnerable, particularly at the safety position. With the NFL's blessing, we plan to 'test' Eric Reid."

Saints win, 26-23.

Dallas @ N.Y. Giants (-6½)

The Cowboys beat the Buccaneers, 27-20, and clinched the NFC East title.

"It's great to know we've clinched," Jason Garrett said. "Now, we can really enjoy Christmas. I gave gifts to each of my players. As of 2015, every running back on the team receives cologne and underwear."

The Giants lost an early 14-0 lead in an eventual 28-27 loss to the Colts in Indianapolis.

"My career as a Giant may be nearing its end," Eli Manning said. "But I plan to go out with a bang, and with a 'lang,' when I sing 'Auld Lang Syne-Off' after the game. You may see me in Jacksonville next year, assuming they need a quarterbacks coach."

Giants win, 27-17.

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh (-14½)

The Steelers lost 31-28 at New Orleans, again squandering a late lead.

"I decided to call a fake punt while we had the lead," Mike Tomlin said. "In hindsight, that was a bad call. If 'hindsight' is 20/20, then you might 'see my ass' get fired for continuing to make questionable calls and coaching a team that makes crucial errors in crunch time. Whatever happens, you can by no means question my ability to come up with a cliched response to everything that befalls this team. Again, if hindsight is 20/20, then you can see words coming out of my ass."

The Bengals lost 26-18 to Cleveland and dropped to 6-9 on the season, last in the AFC North.

"The end of the season couldn't come soon enough," Marvin Lewis said. "Just a week earlier than when we do make the playoffs."

Steelers win, 37-17.

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay (-1)

Matt Ryan passed for 239 yards and 3 touchdowns as the Falcons rolled over the Panthers, who were without Cam Newton.

"There's nothing at stake in our game with the Bucs," Ryan said. "As playoff implications go, there are none. And I doubt many people will be watching. If you really want to see the game, tune in to the NFL's 'Dead Zone' channel."

Bucs win, 29-26.

Philadelphia @ Washington (+7)

Jake Elliott's 35-yard field goal as time expired gave the Eagles a 32-30 win over the visiting Texans. A win versus the Redskins coupled with a Minnesota loss to Chicago would put Philly in the postseason.

"We're confident," Doug Pederson said. "As we speak, they're greasing light poles in Philadelphia. If anyone tries to climb one, they will slip. So, we're hoping the Vikings 'slip,' and we're able to 'climb' into the Wild Card spot."

The Redskins lost 25-16 to the Titans on Saturday night.

"Adrian Peterson became the oldest player to rush for 1,000 yards in a season," Jay Gruden said. "I guess Father Time has been good to him, and let's hope Adrian sees that as an example of what a good father is."

Eagles win, 31-19.

Cleveland @ Baltimore (-6)

The Ravens dominated the Chargers on the road, winning 22-10 at StubHub Stadium.

"Our defense not only imposed their will," John Harbaugh said, "but mostly, they imposed their 'will not' on the Chargers' offense."

The Browns beat the visiting Bengals, 26-18.

"Baker Mayfield stared down Hue Jackson late in the game," Gregg Williams said. "As you would expect, Hue Jackson lost that staring contest."

Ravens win, 24-14.

Jacksonville @ Houston (-7)

The Texans lost 32-30 at Philadelphia and now must win to claim the AFC South title.

"One win," Bill O'Brien said, "and the job is complete. Our motto for the game is 'one and done.'"

Texans win, 24-13.

L.A. Chargers @ Denver (+6½)

The Chargers lost 22-10 at home to the Ravens, who held Philip Rivers without a touchdown for the first time this season.

"It was a tough loss," Rivers said, "but if you think we're going to let that bother us, then you don't know the Los Angeles Chargers. And if you don't know the Los Angeles Chargers, then you must be Stephen A. Smith."

Chargers win, 23-19.

San Francisco @ L.A. Rams (-9½)

The Rams beat the Cardinals 31-9, and will lock up the No. 2 seed with a win or a Bears loss.

"It remains to be seen whether Todd Gurley plays," Sean McVay said. "Frankly, I don't even know myself. I'm so unsure, I'm being listed on the injury report, because the suspense is killing me."

Rams win, 27-21.

Arizona @ Seattle (-12½)

The Seahawks beat the Chiefs, 38-31, on Monday night.

"We're the No. 5 seed in the NFC," Pete Carroll. "With a loss and a Vikings win, we would fall to the No. 6 seed. So it's a case of, 'Who do we want to play on the road? Chicago or Dallas?' I hear the weather in AT&T Stadium this time of year is delightful. And, like us, the Cowboys have a '12th Man.' His name is Jerry Jones, and like our 12th Man, he won't shut up."

Seahawks win, 29-13.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee (+3)

The Titans beat the visiting Redskins 25-16, as Blaine Gabbert relieved Marcus Mariota, who left the game after re-aggravating a right elbow injury.

"Marcus is the epitome of 'injury prone," Mike Vrabel said. "If he's not injured, he's prone after getting sacked. But if Marcus' elbow problems persist, he may have to follow the lead of Andrew Luck and head overseas for treatment. Word is the ancient city of Athens has a reputation for facilitating quick recovery of issues such as Marcus.' Hence the name 'Elbow Greece.'"

The Colts kept their playoff hopes alive with a stirring 28-27 comeback win over the visiting Giants. With a win over the Titans, Indy would secure the last wild card berth, and could even win the AFC South coupled with a Houston loss to the Jaguars.

"It's win or go home," Luck said. "Or, 'win and go home,' if the Texans choke, because we would host a wild card game. That's the best-case scenario. The 'worst-Case' scenario is the quarterback situation in Denver."

Colts win, 25-23.

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