Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch — Busch blew his engine on lap 87 and finished 37th at Indianapolis.
"The race was called the 'Big Machine Vodka 400 at the Brickyard,'" Busch said. "What a great sponsor for a NASCAR race. It's a good time for NASCAR fans to claim their first top 10, because they all 'finished fifth.' But don't you dare ever call Mark Martin 'pint-sized.'"
2. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin went to a backup car after his car caught on fire after slamming the wall in Saturday practice. He still finished 6th in a backup car, and will start the playoffs in second.
"Saturday practice was an ordeal," Hamlin said. "NASCAR hasn't seen a car filled with that much smoke since Winston was sponsoring the Cup."
3. Kevin Harvick — Harvick started on the pole and led all but 42 laps on his way to capturing his second Brickyard 400 triumph.
"What a win," Harvick said. "It was quite a thrill to climb the fence with Tony Stewart. That was exciting, plus it makes me confident that NASCAR catch fences can handle anything."
4. Martin Truex, Jr. — Truex finished 27th at Indianapolis and will start the championship playoffs in 3rd place.
"The NRA says NASCAR is becoming anti-gun," Truex said. "Has the NRA seen what's going on in a NASCAR infield? Everyone is packing, and everyone is loaded. Wait just a minute. I must be thinking about coolers."
5. Joey Logano — Logano won Stage 1 at Indianapolis and finished second, over 6 seconds behind Kevin Harvick.
"Harvick's car was just too good," Logano said. "In NASCAR, a six-second lead is an eternity. And, for the fans watching a race that isn't close, it's also an eternity.
6. Brad Keselowski — Keselowski crashed hard on lap 48 after contact with Erik Jones.
"I went hard into a tire barrier," Keselowski said. "The tires went flying. Those tires covered a very dangerous angle on the track. All I know is that it needs to be 'retired.'"
7. Chase Elliott — Elliott finished 9th at Indianapolis.
"Jimmie Johnson missed making the playoffs," Elliott said. "That breaks a streak of 15 straight playoffs. Jimmie went from 'seven-time,' to 'fifteen-time,' to now, 'not this time.'"
8. Kurt Busch — Busch finished 30th at Indianapolis, after damage in a lap 106 wreck marred his race.
"I got mixed up in a tangle between Jimmie Johnson and William Byron," Busch said. "And I absolutely accept no blame in the fiasco. If someone wants to blame me, I'll deny it vehemently, because I refuse to be anyone's punching bag."
9. Ryan Blaney — Blaney finished 7th at Indianapolis and heads to the playoffs with 2,004 points, 41 behind first-place Kyle Busch.
"I'm not satisfied with just making the playoffs," Blaney said. "I want to win the championship. I just spoke those words into my exhaust, because it's a 'pipe dream.'"
10. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer finished 5th at Indianapolis and claimed a spot in the playoff field.
"My Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Daniel Suarez is currently feuding with Ryan Newman," Harvick said. "It's become so bad, many people have suggested we build a wall between them."
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