Thursday, September 26, 2019
NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 4
Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Philadelphia @ Green Bay (-4½)
The Eagles dropped their second straight, losing at home to the pesky Lions, 27-24. At 1-2, Philly faces a short week and a difficult road game against the undefeated Packers on Thursday night.
"We'll be 'catching' a plane to Green Bay on Tuesday," Doug Pederson said. "In light of what happened against the Lions, some of our receivers may not be.
"I know first hand what it's like to play in Green Bay. I played with Brett Favre for three years. As quarterbacking skills go, I couldn't hold Brett's jock strap. As being low QB on the depth chart goes, I did hold Brett's jock strap."
The Packers moved to 3-0 with a 27-16 win over the visiting Broncos. Aaron Rodgers passed for a score, Aaron Jones rushed for 2 TDs, and Rodgers was not sacked at all.
"Who's better at neutralizing Von Miller and Bradley Chubb?" Rodgers said. "My offensive line, or Vic Fangio's scheme? That's a 'rhetorical' question. Here's a 'Brett-orical' question? Does Brett Favre own a pair of 'Copper Fit Wranglers?'
"I'm getting more comfortable with Matt Lafleur's plays," Rodgers said. "It took a while. Matt's plays are real wordy. And I'm talking real wordy. Heck, it's the most I've said to my teammates all season."
Packers win, 27-24.
Tennessee @ Atlanta (-4)
The Titans lost 20-7 to the Jaguars last Thursday night and fell to 1-2. Marcus Mariota was sacked 9 times.
"Marcus has a unique issue," Mike Vrabel said. "He didn't have a single fumble, yet he still has a problem 'holding on to the ball.' That means he needs to work on getting the ball out of his hands, and maybe so do I. If there's a 'quick release' that needs to be talked about, it's Marcus,' not Antonio Brown's."
The Falcons lost 27-24 to the Colts at Lucas Oil Stadium.
"We moved the well," Dan Quinn said. "But we had 16 penalties for 128 yards. That's unacceptable, although the Colts accepted nearly all of them.
"This is a huge game for both teams, but only because we're both 1-2 and desperately need a win. It's not quite our 'Super Bowl'; it's more like our 'Subpar Bowl.'"
Falcons win, 24-21.
New England @ Buffalo (+7)
The Patriots dispatched the visiting Jets 30-14 as Tom Brady passed for 306 yards and 2 touchdowns. New England held the Jets to 105 total yards, with the Jets points coming as a result of 2 Pats turnovers.
"Sadly, we had to tell Antonio Brown goodbye," Brady said. "Zeke Mowatt would call that a 'Patriot Dis-Missile.' Antonio asked what route to run, and I told him 'Go.' He's obviously better at burning bridges than he is at burning cornerbacks.
"We wish Antonio nothing but the best, whether that be in his Arena League career, his VH1 reality show endeavors, his interactions with TMZ cameras, or battling his mountain of legal issues. I'm 100% positive he will not seek a career in public relations.
"We're totally focused on the Bills. This is a huge game for us. With a win, we're 3-0 against the rest of the AFC East. That will handily put us first in the division, and dead last in strength of schedule."
The Bills turned back the Bengals, 21-17, to improve to 3-0 and set up a showdown of undefeated Patriots at New Era Stadium. Frank Gore scored the game-winning TD on a one-yard rush with 1:50 left to play.
"Frank is the consummate professional," Doug McDermott said. "He's never been accused of murdering two people, he's never misplaced his helmet in a Super Bowl, and he's never left a 20-cent tip at a restaurant.
"I can only imagine what the Bills Mafia will be up to before the game in the New Era Field parking lot. It could get crazy. I hear the over/under for pre-game fatalities is set at 4½. Dying before a Bills game is a noble death. It's how one becomes holy, sainted by Plywoode, the patron saint of folding tables."
Buffalo takes an early 7-0 lead, but Brady and the Patriots attack with the short passing game. The Pats defense forces 3 turnovers, and New England prevails, 26-14.
Kansas City @ Detroit (+6)
The undefeated Chiefs make their way to Ford Field after a 33-28 win over the visiting Ravens last week at rainy Arrowhead Stadium. Patrick Mahomes passed for 374 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Our offense can score on anyone," Andy Reid said. "Our defense? They can be scored on anywhere.
"Mahomes is on pace to throw for over 6,000 yards. Wow! That's a good career for most quarterbacks, and a good career for practically all Cleveland quarterbacks."
The upstart Lions are 2-0-1 after a 27-24 road win over the injury-depleted Eagles. Detroit forced 2 fumbles and Jamal Agnew returned a kickoff 100 yards for a score in the first quarter.
"You may have heard that Calvin Johnson admitted he smoked marijuana in his playing days to deal with pain," Matt Patricia said. "I guess we need to change his nickname from 'MegaTron' to 'MegaChron.'
"I think weed should be legal in the NFL. That goes for players and coaches. I'm just dying to replace that pencil behind my ear with a joint. And I'm just dying to see a cardboard cutout of Ricky Williams with the caption, 'You must be this high to play in the NFL.' Believe it or not, Ricky still has value in fantasy football, because he has a high ceiling and a high floor."
Chiefs win, 30-27.
Oakland @ Indianapolis (-7)
The Colts beat the visiting Falcons 27-24, led by Jacoby Brissett, who passed for 310 yards and 2 touchdowns. Indy is 2-1, tied with the Texans atop the AFC South.
"Jacoby Brissett is playing like Andrew Luck," Frank Reich said. "But he's not Andrew Luck. Jacoby goes to Europe on vacation, not for treatment."
The Vikings clubbed the Raiders 34-14 at U.S. Bank Stadium. Oakland is 1-2, last in the AFC West.
"Getting rid of Antonio Brown was probably the best thing to happen to this team," Jon Gruden said. "Unfortunately, I'll probably be saying that in December.
"Richie Incognito made his return to the lineup against the Vikings. His father would have been so proud. Richie told me he carries a piece of his father everywhere he goes. I was afraid to ask if he meant that literally or figuratively.
"By the way, in what would Incognito carry his father's head? A 'head case,' of course. Which brings me to Vontaze Burfict, who was seen taking swings at some Vikings last week. Vontaze is a great player, but he should have a warning label on his jersey. But let's be real; if he played for the Raiders in the 1970's, he'd have a 'C' on his jersey."
Colts win, 31-21.
L.A. Chargers @ Miami (+16½)
The Chargers are 1-2 after last week's 27-20 home loss to the Texans. Houston outscored Los Angeles 20-3 in the second half after Phillip Rivers and Keenan Allen led L.A. to a hot start.
"We folded like a cheap tent," Rivers said. "A 'cheap tent' is what they'd call Digital Health Sports Park if they put a roof on it.
"The Chargers making a trip to Miami is quite intriguing to me. It's always been a fantasy of mine to pretend I'm Stan Humphries. In this fantasy, it's January of 1995. It's the only way I can imagine getting to the Super Bowl. Also, in this fantasy, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, and Patrick Mahomes don't exist."
The Dolphins lost 31-6 to the Cowboys at AT&T Stadium, and have now been outscored 133-16 in their 3 losses this season.
"Not to brag," Brian Flores said, "but we were only down 10-6 at the half. I was thinking, 'Oh crap! We could win this.' Jerry Jones had a similar thought when he said, 'Oh crap! No, really. I just crapped my pants.' Jerry was so shook, he considered making a coaching change.
"Anyway, I thought we played our best game of the year. That's saying something, but it's not saying much.
"Sure, we realize we're getting blown out on a weekly basis. That's part of our master plan, to play from behind. When you follow the leader, you cut down on wind resistance. So, we're 'drafting.'"
Chargers win, 31-10.
Washington @ N.Y. Giants (-3)
In his first NFL start, Daniel Jones engineered a comeback from a 28-10 halftime deficit to defeat the Buccaneers in Tampa, 32-31. Jones passed for 336 yards and 2 TD's, and rushed for 28 yards and 2 scores.
"This is the stuff legends are made of," Pat Shurmur said. "At least that's what GM Dave Gettleman said. I believe he was talking about himself.
"Eli Manning's meant a lot to this organization and city. What do you say about the 15 years he's dedicated to this organization in which he won many championships and awards? Well, you call it a career."
The Bears crushed the Redskins 31-15 at FedEx Field on Monday night. Case Keenum threw 3 interceptions, fumbled twice, and was sacked 4 times.
"Case just had one turnover after another," Jay Gruden said. "He is the 'Human Turnover Chain.' It may have been the worst 'Case' of quarterbacking in history.
"Sure, the passing game was terrible. But we need to get that 'rushing' attack going. As in, we need to 'rush' Dwayne Haskins onto the field and bench Case. Now, people will say, 'But he's not ready to be an NFL starter.' To that I respond, 'You're gonna have to be more specific.'"
Washington wins, 24-22.
Cleveland @ Baltimore (-7)
The Browns lost 20-13 to the visiting Rams in a game marked by penalties and questionable play-calling on the part of Cleveland. The Browns are 1-2, and 0-2 at home, with the 2-1 Ravens team awaiting them.
"We're the worst in the NFL with 46 penalties through three games," Mayfield said. "I'm starting to think it's personal, because the officials are 'planting flags' all around me.
"Our offense is a little stagnant, so Freddie Kitchens and I met to brainstorm some ideas. I'm more into visualizing, while Freddie likes to see his work on a whiteboard. In other words, he likes to 'draw plays.'"
The Ravens lost 33-28 to the Chiefs at Arrowhead, as Baltimore's second-half comeback came up short. Mark Ingram rushed for 3 scores, but the Chiefs limited Lamar Jackson to only 1 rushing score.
"We only lost by 5 points in a hostile environment," John Harbaugh said. "My brother Jim just suffered a 21-point defeat in a hostile environment. The sad thing is, he now considers a home game a hostile environment.
"But we're focused on the Browns, our first AFC North opponent of the season. Currently, we have twice as many victories as the rest of the division combined. And our 2 victories are over teams with a combined 0-5-1 record. So, upon further review, things are just not that great for either Harbaugh brother."
Browns win, 24-23.
Carolina @ Houston (-5)
With Cam Newton out nursing a foot injury, backup quarterback Kyle Allen passed for 4 touchdowns, leading Carolina to a 38-20 over the Cardinals at State Farm Stadium.
"Kyle had a great week of practice," Ron Rivera said. "We simulated some game situations and he responded well. It was a 'dress rehearsal' for my quarterback that didn't involve an actual dress. That's refreshing, just like Pepsi.
"Cam has certainly had some health issues. But he's working hard, not only on getting healthy, but also on designing a stylish hospital gown that's sure to turn heads in Milan."
The Texans beat the Chargers 27-20 behind a huge game from Deshaun Watson, who passed for 351 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"We did a much better job protecting Deshaun Watson," Bill O'Brien said. "He was only sacked twice, but still, he's taking too many hits. We thought acquiring Laremy Tunsil would provide a solution, but even he's had his issues. Ironically, Laremy's 'getting smoked' on occasion.
"And speaking of Laremy, he's invited the whole team to his huge Halloween costume party, which he calls 'The Gas Masquerade Ball.' Guests are encouraged to come dressed as their favorite celebrity wearing a gas mask. I hear it's a big hit."
Texans win, 26-24.
Tampa Bay @ L.A. Rams (-9½)
The Bucs raced to a 28-10 halftime lead over the visiting Giants, but crumbled in the second half, losing 32-31 after kicker Matt Gay sailed the potential game-winning 34-yard field goal wide right.
"There was so much choking," Bruce Arians said, "I thought the NFL would have to investigate. Historically, the Buccaneer kicking game has been a train wreck. In short, it's been 'no good.'"
The Rams beat the Browns 20-13 on Sunday night to remain undefeated. Jared Goff tossed 2 TD passes to Cooper Kupp, and Aaron Donald wreaked havoc on the Browns offensive line.
"Aaron is an offensive lineman's worst nightmare," Sean McVay said. "Some offensive lineman dream of Aaron's 'swim' move and awaken to realize they've wet the bed. The only 'threesomes' offensive linemen dream about involve double-teaming Aaron. Aaron's 'bull-rush' has made offensive linemen give up beef."
Rams win, 28-21.
Seattle @ Arizona (+4½)
Despite a huge day from Russell Wilson, the sloppy Seahawks lost 33-27 to the Drew Brees-less Saints.
"The day got off to a bad start," Wilson said. "Pete was nailed in the face by a stray football. Of course, it goes without saying that this never would have happened had someone ran the ball instead of passing it.
"Coach Carroll just turned 68. He's the oldest coach in the league, but that doesn't stop him from also being the coolest. Pete deftly toes the line between 'hip' and 'hip replacement.'"
Seattle wins, 27-21.
Minnesota @ Chicago (-2½)
The Vikings wore out the visiting Raiders 34-14, once again led by a big day from Dalvin Cook, who posted 143 total yards and a touchdown.
"Dalvin is carrying us," Mike Zimmer said. "He's obviously more equipped to 'run' the offense than Kirk Cousins. We need to Kirk to do more. After all, we spent $84 million on him. I need to see a significant return on investment. If I don't, you might see me with a case of 'ROI'd Rage.' Trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I turn red, and start muttering the name 'Blair Walsh.'"
Bears win, 23-20.
Jacksonville @ Denver (-3)
The Jaguars roughed up the visiting Titans 20-7 on Thursday night. Gardner Minshew passed for 2 scores, and the Jacksonville defense sacked Marcus Mariota 9 times.
"It's good to see our defense in the opposing quarterback's face," Doug Marrone said, "and not the coaches.
"The season is early, but already we've seen our highs and lows. On one hand, there's no stopping 'Gardner Minshew Fever.' On the other hand, Jalen Ramsey's fever can be stopped with a couple of children's aspirin."
The Broncos lost 27-16 in Green Bay, done in by 3 turnovers and an offensive line that couldn't protect Joe Flacco. Afterwards, Emmanuel Sanders described Denver's 0-3 start as "living in a world of suck."
"That's not to be confused with 'Suck World,'" Sanders said, "which is Warren Sapp's favorite amusement park."
Broncos win, 21-16.
Dallas @ New Orleans (+3)
Teddy Bridgewater passed for 2 touchdowns, and the Saints defense came up with big plays of their own in New Orleans' 33-27 win.
"Drew Brees thought we could have played better," Sean Payton said. "He only gave us one thumbs up.
The Cowboys overcame a slow start and ultimately smashed the Dolphins 31-6 to remain undefeated. Dallas already has a two-game lead over the rest of the NFC East.
"The Miami defense is porous," Jerry Jones said. "It not only has holes, it has 'blow holes.'
"I'm extremely encouraged by what our offense has done so far this year. Our offense has so many weapons, Greg Hardy is jealous."
Saint win, 29-26.
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh (-4)
The Steelers are 0-3 after losing 24-20 to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium. It's only Pittsburgh's second 0-3 start since 2000.
"We can sit here and throw blame around all day," Mike Tomlin said. "But I've got one hard rule I demand, and that's a ban on any and every form of finger-pointing. In other words, no fingering.
"You can't have a Steelers/Bengals game without referencing Vontaze Burfict's hit on Antonio Brown in 2016. That hit knocked out Antonio. It was a 'KO,' and, in light of Antonio's behavior over the last year, I think everyone would say that hit was 'OK.'"
The Bengals lost 21-17 at Buffalo and are 0-3.
"It's a real stinker," Zac Taylor said. "That could mean us, the Steelers, or this Monday Night Football matchup.
"But let's talk about the 'elephant in the room,' and that's Antonio Brown returning to Central Michigan University. Incidentally, 'elephant in the room,' is probably what AB will call an overweight classmate, which will lead to his expulsion from college."
Steelers win, 24-22.