NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 7

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Kansas City @ Denver (+3½)

The Chiefs lost their second straight game, falling 31-24 to the visiting Texans. Houston controlled the clock with a dominating rushing attack, piling up 192 yards, 116 of those by former Chief Carlos Hyde.

"Our inability to stop the run is unfortunately something we can't 'Hyde,'" Andy Reid said. "I can't say our defense isn't well-behaved, because they have 'on the field' issues instead of 'off the field' issues. We don't have a run-stuffing defense; we do have a run-stuffing offense.

"Patrick Mahomes and Joe Flacco couldn't be any different. If there was a Mount Rushmore of quarterbacks, Patrick would certainly be on it. You could also find Flacco on a similar mountain. Because any team he's quarterbacking soon realizes they need to 'rush more.'"

The Broncos shut out the Titans 16-0 at home and improved to 2-3. Denver's defense held Tennessee to just 204 total yards.

"I'm not sure what that says more about," Vic Fangio said. "Our defense, or the Titans offense. This was one of those instances in which the 'immovable object' meets not an 'irresistible force,' but another 'immovable object.'

"I'm guessing we'll need to put some points on the board to beat the Chiefs. And that means we'll need more out of Flacco. Joe once claimed to be 'elite.' Now, he's lucky if he's considered 'E-list.'"

Chiefs win, 27-25.

L.A. Rams @ Atlanta (+3)

The Rams sputtering offense continued to struggle in a 20-7 loss at home to the 49ers. Jared Goff passed for only 78 yards as Los Angeles lost its third straight game.

"Our issues are too numerous to quantify," Sean McVay said. "But, if I had to hazard a guess, I would say that number is around 134 million.

"But it's not the end of the world. We're 3-3. That's not horrible. It could be worse. We could be 3-3, with Jeff Fisher as our coach.

"Now it's gut-check time, and I'm talking as this team's leader, not as Sam Darnold's doctor. If we can't beat the Falcons and their flimsy defense, then we should have our hearts, intestines, and testicles examined. Not for their health, nind you, but for their mere presence."

The Falcons comeback bid against the Cardinals came up just short in a 34-33 loss. Matt Bryant missed the potential game-tying extra point with 1:53 left.

"A missed extra point is the least of our problems," Dan Quinn said. "There are several things on this team that are 'no good.'

"We're 1-5, which means we have fewer victories than instances of Arthur Blank assuring me my job is safe. When Mr. Blank tells me my job is safe, I'm not sure he means it, because of the 'Blank look on his face.' That's better than getting the 'Blank stare,' which means he's either going to fire me, or he's longingly picturing me in a long gown as Scarlet O'Hara in one of the many 'Gone With the Wind' fantasies he's been known to have."

Rams win, 31-27.

Miami @ Buffalo (-17)

The Bills return from a bye week looking to stay hot on the heels of the AFC East-leading Patriots. The 1-5 Dolphins stand in the way.

"They're standing now," Josh Allen said. "Come game time, they'll be laying down.

"After a bye, we're well-rested. Not so for the Dolphins. They have to be tired, but I'm guessing they still have something left in the 'tank.'"

The Dolphins remained winless with a 17-16 loss to the visiting Redskins. After a late touchdown, the Dolphins went for the 2-point conversion for the win, but failed.

"I don't think anyone would define our season as 'going for 2,'" Brian Flores said. "Because we're going for '1,' the No. 1 pick, that is. Are we tanking? I can't say definitively, but our resident home state rapper, 'Blow Rida,' can."

Bills win, 30-6.

Jacksonville @ Cincinnati (+3½)

The Jags lost 13-6 to the Saints at home. Gardner Minshew struggled against a Saints defense that harassed the rookie quarterback throughout the day.

"The Saints showed Gardner things he's yet to see in his young NFL career," Doug Marrone said. "Namely, a good defense.

"But I told Gardner when he took over for Nick Foles that his learning curve would be steep. He asked, 'How steep?' And I told him to look at Shad Khan's mustache. That thing takes a hard turn up towards the edges.

"Once again, Jalen Ramsey didn't play. It's his back again. But I've got to hand it to his back pain; at least Jalen has something that 'just won't quit.' Luckily, we traded Jalen to the Rams. We get two first-round picks, in 2020 and 2021, and a fourth-round pick in 2021. The Rams get Jalen, and we'll gladly pay for shipping."

The Bengals remain winless after losing 23-17 to the Ravens. Lamar Jackson rushed for 152 yards and a touchdown as the Ravens as a team recorded 269 yards on the ground.

"We have to be better than that against the run," Zac Taylor said, "and against the pass, for that matter. If Minshew and Leonard Fournette come to Cincy and rack up big numbers, headlines on Monday will read, ''Stache and Gash.'

"I'm just trying to differentiate myself from Marvin Lewis. And I think I'm succeeding with flying colors, because you can't lose in the playoffs if you don't make the playoffs."

Fournette rushes for 123 yards and 2 scores, and the Jaguars win, 24-19.

Minnesota @ Detroit (+1½)

The Vikings whipped the visiting Eagles 38-20 to improve to 4-2. Kirk Cousins passed for 333 yards and 4 touchdowns, three to Stefon Diggs.

"Stefon looked at the suspect Philly defensive backfield," Cousins said, "and thought to himself, 'Well, you can't beat that.' Then he did, several times. He got behind the Eagles defense so often, they all should have 'Diggs' sewn on the back of their jerseys.

"I got a call from Donald Trump congratulating me on our win over the Giants two weeks ago. The first thing I said to him was, 'What can I do for you, Mr. President?' He immediately denied that there was any 'quid pro quo' and hung up on me.

"I'm not sure why the President wanted to talk to me. In most cases, if someone wants to speak to me, it's one of my receivers. Interestingly enough, their mouths are always open."

The Lions built a 13-0 lead at Green Bay, but their offense stalled late, and the Packers escaped with a 23-22 win.

"If I had to give the officials a grade on their performance," Matt Patricia said, "I would give them all 'B's.' Correction, I accidentally added an apostrophe. I give them all 'BS.'

"I thought our defense played lights out. The NFC North boasts four great defenses, but I think our 'D' is just as impressive. In short, I think our 'D' can hang with any in the NFC North, and probably hang lowest. And, you can read all about it on the web's best repository for all Lions news, the 'Mane Vein.'"

Lions, 23-20.

Oakland @ Green Bay (-6)

The Packers came back from a 13-0 deficit and beat the Lions 23-22 on Monday night and solidified their lead in the NFC North.

"I don't think we could have done it without our home-field advantage," Aaron Rodgers said. "Our fans are the best. They almost show more favoritism than the officials in Monday night's game.

"Brett Favre turned 50 on October 10th. He looks great for a 50-year-old man. And that's not surprising, because Brett always lived by the motto, 'I'll show my penis before I show my age.'"

The Raiders return from their bye week looking to extend their two-game winning streak.

"I'm still coming down from the high of beating Khalil Mack and the Bears in London," Jon Gruden said. "In fact, to quote the great Ken Stabler, 'I'm still hung over.'

"I'm trying to be like Kenny and always have a bright outlook. Kenny was more than a 'glass half-full' guy; he was a 'whiskey tumbler always full' guy. Heck, his other nickname was the 'Whiskey Tumbler,' because he was often fall-down drunk."

Packers win, 31-23.

Houston @ Indianapolis (-1½)

The Colts return from their bye week to host the Texans, with the winner taking over the outright lead in the AFC South.

"Say what you want about the AFC South," Frank Reich said, "but the Colts and Texans have provided a simple tutorial on how to beat the Chiefs. And everyone should give us a big pat on the head, because the secret is to keep 'Pat' on the sidelines.

"We're going to play to our strengths. And our strength is our offensive line. Anchoring that line is left guard Quenton Nelson. He might be the best player in the NFL that no one knows about. But please don't call him 'Q Anon.'

The Texans upset the Chiefs 31-24 at Arrowhead Stadium, led by a strong rushing attack and Deshaun Watson, who passed for a score and rushed for 2.

"We dominated the time of possession battle," Bill O'Brien said. "We did that with our running game. And, in doing so, we kept the ball out of Patrick Mahomes' hands. So, in essence, 'handoffs' lead to 'Hands off!'

"Will Fuller V was much quieter than his is 217-yard, 3-touchdown performance in Week 5. That's the story of his career. Apparently, the 'V' is for 'Variable.'"

Colts win, 27-24.

Arizona @ N.Y. Giants (-2½)

The Giants lost 35-14 to the Patriots on Thursday night in a game that was more competitive than the score indicated.

"We had 4 turnovers," Pat Shurmur said. "So, we basically shot ourselves in the foot. Still, that's better aim than Plaxico Burress had back in 2008."

The Cardinals beat the visiting Falcons 34-33 for their second straight win. Kyler Murray passed for 340 yards and 3 touchdowns.

"This may have been Kyler's breakout performance," Kliff Kingsbury said. "He's finally figuring out what it takes to be a successful quarterback in the NFL. But let's go easy on the future expectations. He solved the Atlanta defense, which is akin to solving one side of a Rubik's Cube."

Giants win, 28-24.

San Francisco @ Washington (+10)

The 49ers dominated the Rams 20-7 to remain undefeated at 5-0. The San Fran defense held the Rams to just 187 total yards.

"Jared Goff passed for only 78 yards," Richard Sherman said. "That's practically nothing in today's pass-friendly NFL. You could say Goff has 'zip' on his passes.

"We beat down the Rams so bad, we forced them into a trading frenzy. They mortgaged their future draft capital to acquire Jalen Ramsey. The Rams must be darn serious about making the playoffs as a wildcard. He's just what the Rams need, but probably not what this division needs, because it already has one outspoken, trash-talking cornerback with wild hair. Personally, I can't wait to meet Jalen and shake his hand, then forget I did it."

In their first game under interim head coach Bill Callahan, the Redskins beat the Dolphins 17-16 at Hard Rock Stadium.

"I guess the Dolphins were the 'interim' worst team in the league," Callahan said. "Now, we can remove that 'interim' tag.

"But let me be frank. Daniel Snyder and Bruce Allen are probably the worst owner/general manager combo in the history of NFL football. Or you could say they are the best '1-2 punchline' in the league.

San Francisco wins, 29-10.

L.A. Chargers @ Tennessee (-2)

The Chargers looked terrible in a 24-17 loss to the Steelers at Digital Sports Health Park. Phillip Rivers passed for 2 touchdowns, but committed 3 turnovers.

"We lost to a team quarterbacked by a guy who was once a national champion duck caller," River said. "Now, I don't sound like a duck, but some people say I play like an albatross.

"A national television audience finally got a look at what our home crowd at Digital Sports Health Park looks like. And they probably now know why advertisers, like banks and car dealerships, like to advertise loans that promote '0% interest,' because that basically describes our fans."

The Broncos shut out the Titans 16-0 at Denver. Marcus Mariota was benched after throwing 2 interceptions and was replaced by Ryan Tannehill.

"Marcus was supposed to be this franchise's savior at quarterback when he was drafted in 2015," Mike Vrabel said. "He hasn't quite lived up to those expectations. In other words, he's not the 'Messiah.' Instead, he's been the 'Miss-iah.'"

Titans win, 24-19.

New Orleans @ Chicago (-3)

The Saints beat the Jaguars 13-6 Jacksonville, led by a defense that controlled Leonard Fournette and confused Gardner Minshew.

"It was a stunning Week 6 in the NFL," Sean Payton said. "On a Sunday chock full of officiating errors, not one went against the Saints. It's a true miracle. Maybe it was no accident that the Pope tweeted about the Saints. 'Who dat?' No. 'Who Vat(ican)?'"

The Bears had a Week 6 bye and look to get back in the win column against the Saints.

"Khalil Mack wasn't happy with the loss to the Raiders," Matt Nagy said. "And he wasn't happy not getting a single sack. But what really makes him unhappy is our quarterback situation."

Bears win, 16-14.

Baltimore @ Seattle (-3 ½)

The Ravens beat the Bengals 23-17 to improve to 4-2. Lamar Jackson rushed for 152 yards and passed for 236, becoming the first player in NFL history with at least 200 yards passing and 150 rushing in a game.

"Lamar is making defenses look like fools," John Harbaugh said. "He's also done that to NFL scouts who said he couldn't be an NFL quarterback."

The Seahawks beat the Browns 32-28 in Cleveland. Russell Wilson passed for 2 scores and rushed for another, while Seattle's defense intercepted Baker Mayfield 3 times.

"I wake up every morning feeling dangerous," Wilson said, "but only to opposing defenses, not to my own offense.

"The 'Dawg Pound' was a tough place to play. The atmosphere was palpable. It felt like you could have cut the disappointment with a knife."

Seahawks win, 30-27.

Philadelphia @ Dallas (-3)

The Cowboys lost to the Jets 24-22 at Met Life Stadium.

"This loss really left a bad taste in our mouths," Dak Prescott said. "Much like any soup other than Chunky. That's what's known as a 'cheap plug.' And speaking of 'cheap plugs,' Champion Spark Plugs, are you listening?

"And speaking of 'endorsements,' my play hasn't exactly been a ringing one for a new contract. But I'm probably more likely to get one than Jason Garrett. Jerry Jones just can't make up his mind what he wants to do with Garrett. When Jerry says 'Jason who?,' I don't think he's joking."

The Eagles had no answer for Stefon Diggs in a 38-20 loss to the Vikings at U.S. Bank Stadium. Diggs had 7 catches for 167 yards and 3 touchdowns.

"You know who else got 'beat?'" Doug Pederson said. "Us, by the Rams, to Jalen Ramsey.

"I'm not one to make bold predictions, but we're going to beat Dallas. There, I said it. I'm sure that gives the Cowboys bulletin board material. I know what else is on the Cowboys bulletin board — a 'To Do' list that says 'Win another Super Bowl.' It's been there for 24 years."

Deion Sanders and Terrell Owens appear in a pre-game NBC promo touting the game, in which Sanders shouts "Prime Time" over and over while Owens fills his popcorn bucket. Owens then points at Sanders and tearfully says, "That's my cornerback."

Cowboys win, 27-26.

New England @ N.Y. Jets (+10)

The Patriots rode a strong defensive effort to vanquish the upset-minded Giants on Thursday night. The New England defense scored 2 touchdowns, while Tom Brady punched in 2 TDs on quarterback sneaks.

"I'm pretty well known for my quarterback sneaks," Brady said. "Mostly those on the field, but also those involving my cell phone.

"Our offense did struggle at times. Many think we miss Rob Gronkowski. Robert Kraft certainly does. He said he was 'hoping and praying' that Gronkowski would return to the team. I can think of something else Robert could use the 'hand of God' for.

"To people who are anxious about our offensive troubles, I suggest you get with Patrick Chung. He can certainly give you something to take the edge off."

The Jets stunned the favored Cowboys 24-22 at MetLife Stadium. Sam Darnold passed for 338 yards and 2 touchdowns, including a 92-yard strike to Robbie Anderson in the second quarter.

"Sam looked great," Adam Gase said. "As you can tell, he's done wonders for our offense, as well as spleen awareness.

"Sam's spleen is back to its regular size. In case you didn't know, a normal sized spleen weighs approximately 7 ounces. Now, a normal-sized liver is something Joe Namath definitely does not have."

Patriots win, 22-18.

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