NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 17

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

N.Y. Jets @ Buffalo (-1)

The Bills lost 24-17 to the Patriots in Foxboro, and with the loss went their chances for winning the AFC East. Buffalo is locked in to the No. 5 seed in the AFC, and will travel to Houston for a wild card round game.

"First," Sean McDermott said, "we need to deal with the Jets. That's actually easier done than said. Luckily for the Jets, this is not a must-win game for us. We might win, we might not. I'd say our odds are 50-50. So, our chances of winning are about the same as Josh Allen's chances of completing a pass."

The Jets beat the visiting Steelers, 16-10, dealing a blow to Pittsburgh's playoff chances. The Jets are 6-9, third in the AFC East.

"Since this game will take place after December 25th," Adam Gase said, "Sam Darnold may again see 'ghosts ... of Christmas past.'"

Jets win, 24-17.

Cleveland @ Cincinnati (+3)

The Browns lost 31-15 at home to the Ravens, who avenged a Week 4 loss to Cleveland.

"You probably saw at least two players bickering with Freddie Kitchens on the sideline," Baker Mayfield said. "That's very unusual, because there's often more than that."

The Bengals scored 23 straight fourth quarter points to send the game into overtime before eventually falling 38-35 to Miami. Cincy is now 1-14 on the year, and clinched the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft.

"We made quite a comeback," Zac Taylor said. "And speaking of 'comebacks,' I doubt many fans will 'come back' to Paul Brown Stadium to see our home finale. Tickets are available for next to nothing. 'Next to nothing' also describes a 1-14 record.

"It's been a season defined by violations. If it's not offenses violating our end zone, it's the Patriots violating our privacy. To raise the awareness of our team staff, we're posting signs in all visitor press boxes that say 'Who dey filming?' It's a question we want them to ask any strange personnel in our facilities."

Browns win, 27-20.

Green Bay @ Detroit (+12½)

The Packers overwhelmed the Vikings 23-10 in Minnesota, limiting the Minnesota defense to just 139 yards of offense and sacking Kirk Cousins 5 times, including 3½ by Za'Darius Smith.

"Some believe Cousins is an elite quarterback," Smith said. "Judging by the play calling, his head coach isn't one of them. We made their offense practically impotent. The Vikings offense was 'Minn-ept.' If the Vikings offense was an 80's band, it would be 'Minn. Without Stats.'

"There's a good chance we'll meet the Vikings again in a Wild Card game at Lambeau Field. And we collectively answer a resounding 'Yes!' to the question, 'You like that?!'"

Packers win, 28-20.

L.A. Chargers @ Kansas City (-8½)

The Chargers lost 24-17 to the Raiders at Digital Health Sports Park. Oakland held the Chargers to just 19 yards rushing, and the Chargers couldn't stop the Raiders offense.

"That's just 1.2 yards per rush," Phillip Rivers said. "That's pathetic. In you gave me 10 rushing attempts, I bet I could get 1.2 yards easy, total.

"I definitely want to play football next year. But I'd definitely like to play in front of more than 27,000 fans at home, and preferably, I'd like those fans to be those of the team for which I'm playing."

The Chiefs mauled the Bears 26-3 as Patrick Mahomes accounted for 3 touchdowns.

"Thank goodness the Bears didn't pick me in the 2017 Draft," Mahomes said. "I was given the keys to the offense here in K.C., with full driving privileges. Mitch Trubisky doesn't even have a car."

Chiefs win, 30-18.

Chicago @ Minnesota (-7)

The Bears lost 26-3 to the Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium and dropped to 7-8.

"I'm sure our defense is sick of what they see on offense," Mitch Trubisky said. "And they've dared us to be better against the Vikings. In other words, they 'offensively challenged' us.

"Hopefully, Matt Nagy will open up the play book, preferably to a page other than Page 1. That's Page 1 of the chapter entitled 'Low Risk, No Reward.'"

The Vikings offense sputtered in a 23-10 home loss to the Packers on Monday night. The Minnesota offense managed only 139 yards of offense and 7 first downs.

"Injuries severely impacted our running game," Mike Zimmer said. "Dalvin Cook and Alexander Mattison were both out. So we were down to our third-string running back. But we made do. Actually, we made 'doo doo,' because we only rushed for 57 yards.

"This is a matchup featuring two of the NFL's best defenses. And I guess we'll find out who's better, so it will be quite the 'D-measuring' contest."

Vikings win, 22-20.

Miami @ New England (-16)

The Patriots clinched the AFC East with a 24-17 win over the visiting Bills. It was New England's 11th straight division title.

"They might as well name the division after us," Tom Brady said. "Like maybe the 'AFC Cheast.' That a combination of 'cheat' and 'East.'

"You may have noticed my three-yard run in the fourth quarter. Ironically, one of the workouts prescribed by my fitness guru Alex Guerrero is running in wet cement. And it's paid off. In a game, it looks like I'm running in wet cement, but to me, it doesn't feel like it."

Patriots win, 31-17.

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay (-1)

The Buccaneers lost 23-20 to the Texans at Raymond James Stadium, ending Tampa's four-game winning streak. The Bucs had 5 turnovers, including 4 Jameis Winston interceptions.

"I guess Jameis is a big fan of Christmas," Bruce Arians said. "That's why he gift-wraps victories for opponents. I mean, it is the 'Season of Giveaways.'

"If Jameis throws 2 interceptions against Atlanta, he'll have 30 on the year and become the first quarterback to have 30 TDs and 30 interceptions in a season. After what he's put me through this year, I'd say that 30/30 would make Jameis a shoo-in for the 'Hell of Fame.'"

Bucs win, 27-24.

New Orleans @ Carolina (+13)

The Panthers lost 38-6 at Indianapolis and have now lost seven in a row. In his first start at quarterback, Will Grier threw 3 interceptions and was sacked 5 times.

"Our hearts just weren't in it," Perry Fewell said. "But the Colts took care of our anatomical problem, because they gave us a 'beating' we'll never forget."

The Saints beat the Titans 38-28 in Nashville, as Drew Brees passed for 279 yards and 3 touchdowns. Michael Thomas had 12 receptions and broke Marvin Harrison's single-season reception record.

"Michael owns that record now," Drew Brees said. "Harrison's been removed from that part of the record book. So, Mike sent Harrison 'packing,' which should definitely not be a problem for Marvin."

Saints win, 31-14.

Washington @ Dallas (-10½)

With a chance to clinch the NFC East title, the Cowboys lost 17-9 at Philadelphia.

"This loss is like a hemorrhoid to Jerry Jones," Jason Garrett said, "because it won't sit well with him.

"We set the bar high here in Dallas. And we name that bar 'Achieve.' The results, of course, is that we under-Achieve every year.

"Even with a bum shoulder, Dak Prescott played well. I think that pretty much solidifies the likelihood of a new contract for him. That means Dak gets to make a deal with the devil, with the devil being Jerry. Jerry actually does have horns, on the hood of his 1970 Cadillac DeVille."

The Redskins lost 41-35 to the Giants in overtime, losing on Daniel Jones fifth touchdown pass of the game.

"Dan Snyder told Dwayne Haskins not to go back into the game after he was injured," Bill Callahan said. "So I guess we see who wears the pants around here. I guess that means I'm not wearing pants."

Cowboys win, 31-14.

Philadelphia @ N.Y. Giants (+4½)

The Giants beat the Redskins 41-35 in overtime at FedEx Field, led by Daniel Jones, who passed for 5 touchdowns, and Saquon Barkley, who amassed 279 yards from scrimmage and scores.

"Thanks to our offense for performing like that," Pat Shurmur said, "and thanks to our defense, we needed every bit of it.

"Daniel Jones and Eli Manning were out drinking and partying after the win. I'm sure it got wild. When the strippers came out, I wouldn't be surprised if Eli and Daniel 'made it plain."

The Eagles beat the Cowboys 17-9 at Lincoln Financial Field to keep their playoff hopes alive. Philly locks up the NFC East crown with a win over the Giants or a Dallas loss to Washington.

"The atmosphere at the 'Linc' was electric," Carson Wentz said. "Actually, it was more 'battery-powered,' because that's what Philly fans do.

"We replaced the Cowboys, both as the team in control of the NFC East, and as the team that can't beat a playoff team."

Eagles win, 30-21.

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville (+3½)

The Jaguars lost 24-12 to the Falcons in Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Jacksonville is 5-10, last in the AFC South.

"Shad Khan finally fired Tom Coughlin," Doug Marrone said. "Unfortunately, it happened about a year and five minutes too late. We tried to get rid of any evidence that Coughlin was ever even here. We mostly succeeded, but there's a smell that still persists. It smells like 'old fart.'"

The Colts smashed the Panthers 38-6 to move to 7-8. Nyheim Hines had 2 punt return touchdowns to lead Indy.

"We look forward to playing in Jacksonville," Frank Reich said. "We don't fear the Jaguars at all. The football is crappy there. In shipping circles, they call the city 'Port-A-Potty.'"

Colts win, 24-17.

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore (+2)

The Steelers lost 16-10 to the Jets at MetLife Stadium and now need a win over the Ravens, and a Titans loss, to snag the AFC's final playoff spot.

"I asked Antonio Brown about our playoff chances," Mike Tomlin said. "He replied, 'You need some help.' Interestingly enough, that's the last thing I said to him."

Steelers win, 23-20.

Tennessee @ Houston (+4)

The Texans overcame a lackluster offensive performance with a defense that amassed 5 Buccaneers turnovers to power a 23-20 win in Tampa. The win clinched the AFC South title for Houston, who will likely have the No. 4 seed.

"We knew our defense could force turnovers," Bill O'Brien said. "But when you're playing Jameis Winston, you don't have to force turnovers, you just have to expect them."

Titans win, 27-19.

Oakland @ Denver (-3½)

The Raiders upset the Chargers 24-17 to keep their playoff hopes alive. With a win over Denver, and losses by Pittsburgh, Tennessee, and Jacksonville, the Raiders would claim the final AFC playoff spot.

"We need a lot of help," Jon Gruden said, "and not just to make the playoffs, but in general. If we do make the playoffs, we'll need even more help to beat the AFC's No. 3 seed.

"We're off to Las Vegas next year. So we'll be packing soon. And the most cumbersome piece of 'baggage' we're taking is my 10-year contract.

We'll still be known as the Raiders, but it would make more sense if we're called the 'Juice,' or the 'Black Jacks,' or the 'Spreads,' or even the 'Suicides.'"

Broncos win, 24-17.

Arizona @ L.A. Rams (-7½)

The Rams lost 34-31 in San Francisco and were officially eliminated from the playoffs.

"We went from the Super Bowl last year," Jared Goff said, "to not even making the playoffs. That's one of those 'penthouse to the outhouse' situations. And my insanely lucrative contract means I'll have one of those 'penthouse to the outhouse back to the penthouse' situations."

Rams win, 28-24.

San Francisco @ Seattle (+3½)

Robbie Gould's 33-yard field goal as time expired gave the 49ers a 34-31 win over the visiting Rams.

"Robbie's the hero," Kyle Shanahan said. "He's getting all the love, and deservedly so. Everybody's a 'Gould Digger.'"

The Seahawks laid an egg in a 27-13 home loss to the Cardinals. Seattle lost running back Chris Carson and C.J. Prosise to season-ending injuries. On Tuesday, the Seahawks signed former player Marshawn Lynch.

"It's great to have Marshawn back," Pete Carroll said. "I'm glad he accepted my offer. To that offer, Marshawn would have certainly been entitled to say, 'I'll pass.' But he didn't.

"Marshawn is 33-years-old and hasn't played in over a year. So we're not sure what he's got left in the tank. He may not gain a single yard; at minimum, he'll give us a huge emotional boost. We call that 'At the Very Least Mode.'"

Seahawks win, 27-26.

Leave a Comment

Featured Site