The Sports World Pharmacy

Pialis — Geared towards Russian Olympic athletes, this drug blocks anti-doping agencies from collecting urine samples by causing the athlete to experience a massive erection, thereby making the passing of urine virtually impossible. Marketed on the street as "Blockaid."

Vagiseal — Inspired by former NFL player Antonio Cromartie, Vagiseal reduces an athlete's ability to procreate by emitting powerful anti-pheromones that so repulse the opposite sex, their reproductive organs actually close. Generic substitutes include "Fertiliza" and "BabymommaNot."

ViagRah — Made for the people of long-suffering fan bases, ViagRah creates feelings of euphoria and delight in the absence of anything worth cheering about. Record sales of this product can be found in Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit.

Dykstrata — Dykstrata makes potential clients actually believe that former athletes, despite their questionable morals and integrity, are trained and successful financial analysts. Also known as "roofies for crooked financial advisors."

Gyptonite — Gyptonite, when prescribed by a doctor and taken correctly, causes mild, temporary paralysis, thereby rendering a fan physically unable to purchase egregiously overpriced game tickets, concessions, parking fees, and fan gear.

Liabilify — Endorsed by the Houston Astros, Liabilify promotes the telling of downright untruths, and as an added benefit, encourages extreme insincerity in case the need for those pesky apologies arises. Side effects include bald face and rhynophyma (enlargement of the nose).

Clemensy — This pharmaceutical chemically induces lying while blocking the feeling of facing any ramifications. Can be taken orally, in lotion form, or by perjuring yourself with a syringe.

Steroida — For athletes who've abused their bodies for years with performance-enhancing drugs, Steroida encourages testicular cellular regeneration. Generic substitutes include "Growapaira," "Ballislifex," and "Sackzilla."

Jimarrhoidiza — Medicated ointment soothes the atrophied backsides of New York Knicks fans who haven't had a single reason to stand in the tenure of owner James Dolan. Also known as "Preparation Ache."

Escortium — Escortium blocks the neural receptors responsible for creating the desire for sexual congress, with the goal of saving major college basketball programs, let's say Louisville, for example, from embarrassing recruiting scandals. Also known as "Twerkestra."

Durantex — In addition to treating the debilitating condition known as "thin skin," Durantex's patented formula and security features ensure your Twitter burner accounts cannot be traced back to you.

Circumferencia — While not a cure for stupidity, Circumferencia suppresses thoughts of a flat Earth and replaces them with logic and common sense. Taken orally as a syrup, Circumferencia comes in two flavors — cherry and "plane."

Giambien — Giambien releases fast-acting anabolic steroids into the bloodstream while you enjoy a deep, hypnotic sleep. Side effects include "bed head" (sudden enlargement of the cranium), and rage-induced insomnia. Manufactured and sold overseas as "BALCOdeine."

Pervana — A mild hallucinogenic, Pervana makes its user see the object of his/her affection appear 20-30 years older than they actually are. Works best in 40-60-year-old male college football coaches, and female middle-to-high school teachers. Generic substitutes include "Petrino-No," "Milfina," and "ElTee."

Blowtox — Blowtox serves as a mild anti-depressant, suitable for athletes mentally suffering from the ramifications of poor performance, slumps, general ineffectiveness, and devastating losses. Also available in extra-strength form, known as "Super Blowtox," a product reluctantly endorsed by Kyle Shanahan.

Hairarchy — For prematurely balding athletes, Hairarchy comes from the mind of "The King" LeBron James, who came up with this idea off the top of his head one day. Hairarchy's topically-applied cream promotes follicle rejuvenation while also subduing the feelings of embarrassment associated with losing one's hair.

Buxe Body Spray — Made from the powdered antlers of rutting white-tailed deer, Buxe speeds recovery time from workouts, promotes muscle growth, and also serves and a powerful stain-remover.

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