Thursday, October 14, 2021
NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 6
Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Tampa Bay @ Philadelphia (+6½)
The Bucs hammered the visiting Dolphins, 45-17, as Tom Brady passed for 411 yards and 5 touchdowns, two each to Antonio Brown and Mike Evans.
"And I did it with an injured thumb," Brady said. "It was painful, but you need your thumb to throw an accurate ball. The thumb is also useful for many other things, like, for example, trying to hitchhike away from a Columbus, Ohio bar, or pressing the 'Delete' button on your computer.
"As for the Eagles, I haven't forgotten about the 'Philly Special.' If not for that play, I'd have eight Super Bowls. Conversely, if not for the 'Tuck Rule,' I'd have six. If not for the Seahawks forgetting about Marshawn Lynch, I'd have five. If not for the Falcons choking in remarkable fashion, I'd have four. I need to shut up before I don't have any Super Bowls left.
"So the point is, success or failure has a lot to do with 'if.' If you're Urban Meyer, it has a lot to do with 'ifs' and 'butts.'"
The Eagles avoided a four-game losing streak with a 21-18 win over the Panthers in Charlotte. Jalen Hurts rushed for 2 scores, and the Eagles intercepted Sam Darnold three times.
"'It wasn't pretty,'" Nick Sirianni said, "is probably what Jalen says when he checks out his poop in the toilet. And speaking of 'disgusting habits,' Jalen has others, like throwing bad interceptions, holding the ball too long, and leaving the pocket too early. If he can wipe those out, he'll become a great quarterback.
"I expect our fans to be out of their minds for the Bucs game. It's Thursday night, on national television, Tom Brady is coming to town, and it's Yuengling Appreciation Night at the 'Linc.' All are valid reasons to riot."
Buccaneers win, 34-22.
Miami @ Jacksonville (+3½)
The Jaguars lost 37-19 at home to the Titans, who got 130 yards rushing and 3 scores from Derrick Henry. Jacksonville is 0-5 and has now lost 20 straight games.
"I hate to put it this way," Urban Meyer said, "but Henry ran laps arounds us. And speaking of 'laps,' mine has remained girl-free for going on two weeks now. So, how about a little credit, or better yet, credibility?
"We've got to be better disciplined defensively. That's asking a lot. It's practically impossible to keep the team from bursting into hysterical laughter when I ask them to 'Mind their gaps.'
"This game will be played in London. So, after the game, I have a decision to make: do I fly home with the team, or do I stay in London and go to a bar where a young bird grinds up against me while I send an email defending Jon Gruden? I'm sure I'll make the wrong one."
The Dolphins lost 45-17 at Tampa Bay to fall to 1-4. Miami surrendered 558 yards of total offense.
"Just to prove what kind of coach I am," Brain Flores said, "I flew back to Miami with my team, where we could get lap dances together.
"There's nothing worse than losing the respect of your players. I wouldn't be surprised if you see Urban stapling posters to telephone poles that read 'Lost: Locker Room.'"
Jaguars win, 24-21.
Green Bay @ Chicago (+4½)
The Packers earned a tough 26-23 overtime win over the Bengals in Cincinnati. Mason Crosby nailed a 49-yard field goal in overtime after missing three previous kicks.
"Not many players get a fourth chance in the league," Aaron Rodgers said. "Mason Crosby is one of them; Josh Gordon is another."
The Bears upset the Raiders 20-9 in Las Vegas, sending Vegas to its second consecutive defeat. Chicago's defense stifled the Raiders offense in Khalil Mack's return to Las Vegas.
"That was a very satisfying win for Khalil," Matt Nagy said. "Anytime he gets a chance to stick it to Jon Gruden, he will. Khalil says it's perfectly okay for anyone to send an anti-Jon Gruden email.
"Justin Field's played a solid game at quarterback. The job is his going forward. The head coaching job is mine, and we're going backwards."
Chicago wins, 27-25.
Cincinnati @ Detroit (+3½)
The Bengals suffered a heartbreaking 25-22 overtime loss to the visiting Packers. Evan McPherson missed a 49-yard field goal in overtime that would have won it. His miss was one of five missed field goals in the game among both teams.
"There were a total of seven field goals missed," Zac Taylor said. "Four of those were potential game-winners. Did the pressure get to those kickers? It must have. Surprisingly, Joe Burrow was the only player who had to go to the hospital for a throat issue.
"Joe is fine. He took a shot to the throat and later had some trouble speaking. But this certainly won't stop Joe. He's one tough dude. So, although he may not be able to talk the talk, he can walk the walk."
Detroit remained winless at 0-5 after a 19-17 loss to the Vikings. Kirk Cousins engineered a late drive that set up Greg Joseph's 54-yard game winning field goal as time expired.
"I know it hurts my guys when they lose a game like this," Dan Campbell said. "And I feel their pain. You probably saw me tear up in the post-game press conference. Most people probably didn't think that a man of my size and stature was even capable of tears, or that my tears are made of kerosene.
"I have no doubt that this team can handle adversity. Losing is second nature to players in Detroit. Losing is also first nature, third nature, or how ever many natures there are."
Bengals at Lions? Give me the team whose coach isn't afraid to cry, and is the walking antithesis of Urban Meyer. Detroit "tears" Cincy a new one.
Lions win, 27-19.
Houston @ Indianapolis (-10½)
The Texans gave the visiting Patriots all they could handle, but faltered late in a 25-22 loss. Davis Mills passed for 312 yards and 3 touchdowns, one week after tossing 4 picks at Buffalo.
"Davis is becoming a better quarterback by the day," David Culley said. "We've set realistic goals for him that are practically impossible not to achieve. One of those is 'don't be like DeShaun Watson.'"
The Colts collapsed late at Baltimore, giving up 16 fourth quarter points, and eventually lost 31-25 to the Ravens. Indy held a 22-3 lead early in the third quarter, but mistakes down the stretch and a missed field goal cost them a much needed win.
"We had one goal," Frank Reich said, "and that was holding the Ravens to under 100 yards on the ground. In the words of George W. Bush, 'Mission accomplished.'
"We're 1-4. That's bad enough, and it's made even worse because it's in the AFC South, the worst division in the NFL. It's made even worse than that because 1-4 is not even bad enough for last place.
"But we have to put that 1-4 start behind us and focus on the future, which is a series of 12 must-win games in a row sandwiched around a bye week."
Colts win, 24-16.
L.A. Rams @ NY Giants (+10½)
The Rams rode a strong second half, led by Matthew Stafford, to a 26-17 win over the Seahawks in Seattle on Thursday night. Stafford passed for 365 yards and a touchdown.
"Thursday night's game probably set a record for 'finger' talk," Matthew Stafford said. "I would hazard to say there hasn't been that much talk of 'fingers' since July 4th, 2015 at Jason Pierre-Paul's house.
"I love the offense Sean McVay runs here in L.A. I mean, I really love it. You could say I'm 'drinking the Kool-Aid' here, whereas in Detroit, I didn't even like drinking the water."
The Cowboys smashed the Giants 44-20 at AT&T Stadium. Daniel Jones, Saquan Barkley, and Kenny Golladay all suffered injuries in the game.
"AT&T Stadium was not good to us," Joe Judge said. "You can't spell 'attrition' without 'A,' 'T,' and 'T.'
"But we'll have to move forward with the players we have. What other choice do we have? I think I overheard those very words when I was hired as head coach.
"In Danny's absence, Mike Glennon will start at quarterback. He's no 'Danny Dimes,' but they do call him 'Stack of Dimes' because of his neck."
Rams win, 30-13.
Kansas City @ Washington (+6½)
The Bills hammered the Chiefs 38-20 in a rematch of last season's AFC title game. Buffalo amassed 436 yards of total offense, and K.C. committed 4 turnovers.
"That arrowhead on our helmet?" Andy Reid said. "It's pointing towards a first-round road playoff game.
"Our offense looked bad; our defense looked worse. I had a long, hard conversation with defensive coordinator Steve Spagnola. I threatened him with a suspension, for conduct detrimental to the team. I gave him the chance to resign. But what really got his attention was when I threatened to replace him with Rob Ryan."
The Saints beat Washington 33-22 at FedEx Field. Washington's defense struggled again, and surrendered 4 touchdown passes to Jameis Winston.
"I really can't explain why our defense is struggling so much," Ron Rivera said. "We've got four No. 1 picks on our defensive line. And they're not doing any numbers on the opposing offensive lines."
Chiefs win, 34-31.
Minnesota @ Carolina (-1½)
The Vikings beat the Lions 19-17 at U.S. Bank Stadium, winning on Greg Joseph's 54-yard field goal as time expired.
"We did just enough to win," Mike Zimmer said. "We also did more than enough to lose, but so did the Lions.
"So what does a 19-17 win over the Lions at home tell us about ourselves? It tells us the Packers are going to coast to the NFC North title."
The Panthers squandered a 15-3 second quarter lead and eventually lost 21-18 to the visiting Eagles. Sam Darnold threw 3 interceptions in the loss as Carolina fell to 3-2.
"Sam's thrown 5 interceptions in his last two games," Matt Rhule said. "He could do that in one game as a Jet. So, through my rose-colored glasses, I see it as improvement."
Panthers win, 26-23.
L.A. Chargers @ Baltimore (-3½)
Justin Herbert passed for 4 touchdown passes and ran for another as the Chargers won a 47-42 shootout against the visiting Browns.
"Justin is doing things no one thought possible," Brandon Staley said, "even physicists. Drew Brees said when Justin throws a football, it actually speeds up the closer it gets to its target. In the late stages of his career, Brees threw many passes that hit the ground before reaching its target."
The Ravens overcame a 22-3 third quarter deficit to post an amazing 31-25 overtime victory over the Colts on Monday night. Lamar Jackson passed for 442 yards and 4 touchdowns and added 62 yards rushing.
"'How did he do that?'" John Harbaugh said, "is something people ask when they look at Trent Dilfer and find out he won a Super Bowl.
"You might as well call Lamar 'Superman.' Why? Because he's 'cape-able' of anything."
Chargers win, 30-27.
Arizona @ Cleveland (-2½)
The Cardinals beat the 49ers 17-10 in a defensive struggle at State Farm Stadium. Arizona is 5-0 and the last undefeated team in the league.
"This team is not just Kyler Murray," Kliff Kingsbury said. "He's got quite the supporting cast. The only thing that can stop us is if Kyler's wearing a 'supporting cast.'
"Kyler sure looks like the MVP front-runner. By extension, I should be the Coach of the Year front-runner. But I'm not. I have won, for five weeks in a row, the award called 'Coach of the Cardinals.'"
The Browns scored 42 points against the Chargers at SoFi Stadium, but couldn't stop Justin Herbert and the Chargers, who scored 26 fourth quarter points to knock off Cleveland 47-42.
"Our offense can't do much more," Kevin Stefanski said. "Our defense couldn't do much less.
"Once again, we're gonna have our hands full defending the opposing quarterback. Kyler Murray is so fast. He can run right by you. But so can Odell Beckham, Jr. Odell just won't have the ball."
Las Vegas @ Denver (-3½)
Chicago beat Las Vegas 20-9 to hand the Raiders their second straight loss. On Monday night, Jon Gruden resigned as head coach after a New York Times report revealed that Gruden used racist and misogynistic language in emails during a seven-year period.
"'I had no idea,'" Derek Carr said, "is what people say when they did, in fact, have an idea.
"Rich Bissacia has been named interim head coach. His job is to maintain continuity. Our job is to stay on task. We've got to stay focused, maintain our routines, block out distractions, and delete our emails."
The Broncos lost 27-19 at Pittsburgh and have now lost two straight after a 3-0 start.
"If you would have told me in August," Vic Fangio said, "that we'd be one game ahead of the Chiefs in the AFC West, I would have said, 'Wow! You can foresee the future? Tell me something wild that happens this season, like, involving Urban Meyer, or Jon Gruden, or both!'"
Broncos win, 26-16.
Dallas @ New England (+3½)
The Cowboys blasted the visiting Giants 44-20 to open up a two-game lead in the NFC East. Dak Prescott passed for 3 scores and the Cowboys rushed for 201 yards.
"It was good to see our former head coach Jason Garrett," Prescott said, "on the other sideline. This team has the offense. We have the defense. This could very well be the season Dallas puts it all together, earns home-field advantage, and loses to the Packers in the playoffs.
"As for the Patriots, nothing scares you more on the New England sideline than Steve Belichick's mouth. I'm not sure what he's doing with his tongue, but it's very disconcerting, albeit hypnotic."
The Patriots overcame a slow start to score the final 13 points to beat the Texans 25-22 at NRG Stadium. The Patriots gave up 3 TD passes to rookie Davis Mills, starting in just his third game.
"We can stop Tom Brady," Bill Belichick said, "but not Davis Mills? There must be a glitch in the matrix, and in my son Steve's mouth.
"This Jon Gruden situation and its ultimate fallout have a lot of people worried. Like practically every NFL owner. I imagine if your job title is 'hard drive eraser,' then you are in great demand right now."
Dallas wins, 28-20.
Seattle @ Pittsburgh (-4½)
The Seahawks suffered a costly 26-17 loss to the visiting Rams on Thursday night. Russell Wilson ruptured a tendon in his right middle finger when his hand collided with Aaron Donald's in the third quarter. Willson is expected to miss at least four weeks.
"Russell had surgery," Pete Carroll said, "and it was a success. I have no doubt that once he recovers, he'll be slinging passes again this season, and giving us the middle finger again after this season.
"I'm totally confident in Geno Smith's ability to be our backup quarterback. It's being our starter that I'm worried about."
The Steelers beat the Broncos 27-19 at Heinz Field, led by a balanced offense attack that racked up 147 yards on the ground.
"I thought Ben looked pretty good against a tough defense," Mike Tomlin said. "So, he can pass a test, but probably not a physical."
Steelers win, 24-17.
Buffalo @ Tennessee (+3½)
The Titans whipped the Jaguars 37-19 in Jacksonville. Derrick Henry rushed for 130 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Derrick's has a history of piling up big yards and scoring TD's against the Jags," Mike Vrabel said. "So, not only does he run all over them, he walks all over them, too.
"Julio Jones missed his second consecutive game. Injuries are just something Julio's gonna have to deal with, just like being called 'Q-lio' is something he'll have to deal with."
The Bills walloped the Chiefs 38-20 in Kansas City on Sunday night. Josh Allen accounted for 4 total touchdowns, and the Bills defense forced 4 turnovers.
"We knew the Chiefs defense had holes," Josh Allen said. "We just made them bigger. We call that 'gaping' for our purposes, but for Christ's sake, do not look that word up on Urban Dictionary.
"We haven't forgotten about Derrick Henry stiff-arming Josh Norman into oblivion in our game with the Titans last year. Henry sent Josh flying so hard, Josh landed in San Francisco."
Bills win, 32-24.