Thursday, November 4, 2021
NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 9
Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
NY Jets @ Indianapolis (-10½)
The Jets stunned the Bengals 34-31 at MetLife Stadium as Mike White, in his first start, passed for 405 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Mike White is a gunslinger," Robert Saleh said. "And, apparently, the Bengals defense is 'shot.' I've named Mike the starter against the Colts. That may be bad news for Zach Wilson, because as you know, 'Once you go White, you never go Zach.'
"Mike was born in Florida and played college football in Kentucky, so he knows what it's like to overcome adversity, meth, and opioids. But who really knows where this moment will take him? Best-case scenario? He becomes our permanent starter, has an All-Pro career, and leads the Jets to a Super Bowl win. Worst-case scenario? He's boxing Jake Paul in February."
The Colts raced to an early 14-0 lead over the visiting Titans, but two huge Carson Wentz turnovers, one in regulation and one in overtime, allowed the Titans to leave with a 34-31 win.
"When we traded for Carson," Frank Reich said, "we were hoping he'd turn over a new leaf. I guess we should have never mentioned 'turnover' in our hopes for him.
"We're three full games behind the Titans in the AFC South. Our outlook is dreary, but we just have to stay positive and keep doing what we do best, if in fact, there is something we do best. If only we had one of the top-three running backs in the league, one who could easily handle 10 more carries per game than he's currently averaging, to take much of the pressure off of Carson. I feel like the solution is staring me right in my dumb face."
Colts win, 27-16.
Cleveland @ Cincinnati (-2½)
The Bengals stumbled to a 34-31 loss to the Jets at MetLife Stadium as the Bengals defense gave up over 500 yards of total offense.
"Obviously," Zac Taylor said, "we put in as much time scheming for Mike White as his parents did naming him.
"This loss is gonna be a tough one to swallow, hence our choking. But I'm still confident in my team. Their future's so bright, they have to wear shades. They also have to wear shades because their weaknesses are so glaring."
The Browns lost a 15-10 defense struggle to the visiting Steelers in the Dawg Pound. Pittsburgh sacked Baker Mayfield 4 times and held Odell Beckham, Jr. to one catch for 6 yards.
"Odell's favorite Halloween/NFL Trade Deadline-themed movie is 'Get Out,'" Mayfield said. "Odell was actually in his Halloween costume on Sunday, because he was here in 'spirit' only.
"My shoulder harness is really uncomfortable. It really restricts my movement. It's like playing with my left arm tied behind my back, and throwing with Ben Roethlisberger's arm."
Browns win, 23-20.
Denver @ Dallas (-7½)
With Dak Prescott out with a calf injury, backup quarterback Cooper Rush passed for 325 yards and 2 touchdowns to lead Dallas to a 20-16 road win over the Vikings on Sunday night.
"I've been excited by many 27-year-olds in my life," Jerry Jones said, "and Cooper is just the latest. But never did I have to pay one as much as I do Cooper.
"Former Cowboy Herschel Walker is running for a Senate seat in Georgia. It's inspiring, because if Herschel Walker can be a Senator, then anyone can. Herschel is as qualified to be a Senator as the Vikings' GM, circa 1989, is to make a fair trade."
The Broncos beat the visiting Redskins 17-10, powered by a defense that forced 2 turnovers and blocked 2 kicks.
"We said goodbye to a four-game losing streak," Vic Fangio said. "Probably not for good, though.
"It was a bittersweet week here in Denver. We traded Von Miller to the Rams, which ends Von's ten-year run as a Broncos. You can't imagine how fast Von left Denver to join a Super Bowl contender. It may have been his best 'rush' of the season."
Prescott returns and tosses 3 touchdown passes.
Dallas wins, 27-17.
Houston @ Miami (-6½)
The Rams whipped the Texans 38-22 at NRG Stadium. The Rams led 38-0 after three quarters; the Texans scored 22 in the fourth to make the final somewhat more respectable.
"Right when we threw in the towel," David Culley said, "the Rams threw in a bigger towel. I'm proud that our guys kept fighting. Or, maybe I should say 'proud that they started fighting after they found themselves down 38-0 and playing against backups.'
"We were unable to find a trade partner for Deshaun Watson. No team could meet our asking price. So, I highly doubt anyone besides us will look at Deshaun and say, 'He's a keeper.'"
The Dolphins lost 26-11 to the Bills in Buffalo and fell to 1-7, 1-4 on the road.
"It was a 3-3 game at the half," Brian Flores said. "Then the real Bills, and real Dolphins showed up."
Miami wins, 28-17.
Atlanta @ New Orleans (-4½)
The Falcons lost 19-13 to the visiting Panthers, snapping a two-game Atlanta winning streak. Matt Ryan managed only 146 yards passing and threw 2 interceptions.
"Our deep passing game is certainly lacking," Matt Ryan said. "And that's not good. The only thing 'getting vertical' on this team is our 2022 draft position."
The Saints beat the visiting Buccaneers 36-27, as the New Orleans defense forced 3 Tom Brady turnovers.
"Kudos to defensive coordinator Dennis Allen and our defense," Sean Payton said. "They made Brady look ordinary. Of course, even when ordinary, Brady can throw 4 TD's.
"Dennis knows how to get the most out of a defense, without resorting to unnecessary blitzes, exotic schemes, elaborate zones, or bounty programs.
"Unfortunately, we lost Jameis Winston for the season to a knee injury. That's devastating, but I'm confident Trevor Siemian can handle the job. Substitute 'praying' for 'confident' in that sentence, and it becomes way more accurate."
Saints win, 27-17.
Las Vegas @ NY Giants (+3½)
The Raiders had a Week 8 bye and return to action looking to build on a two-game winning streak that has them tied atop the AFC West standings.
"We're undefeated since Jon Gruden's resignation," Derek Carr said. "Morale is up 100%, and racism, homophobia, and misogyny are down 100%. And Mark Davis's hair is still 200% F'd up."
The Giants lost 20-17 to the Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium on Monday night.
"We're making far too many mistakes," Joe Judge said. "And I'm including myself in that assessment. I'm not afraid to look in the mirror. Now, I am afraid to look in a mirror and say 'Ben McAdoo' three times, because he might appear and remind me that he took the Giants to the playoffs in his first year."
Raiders win, 27-24.
New England @ Carolina (+3½)
The Panthers ended a three-game skid with a 19-13 win over the Falcons in Atlanta. Carolina rushed for 203 yards and the Panthers defense held Atlanta to 213 total yards.
"If we can run the ball like that," Matt Rhule said, "who needs Sam Darnold, or Deshaun Watson? Or me, for that matter?
"We decided to back off of our pursuit of trading for Watson. How do the kids say it these days? 'Sam Darnold > Deshaun Watson?' That's so true, because Sam is shit; Deshaun is just a piece of shit."
The Patriots upset the Chargers 27-24 at SoFi Stadium. New England dominated on the ground, and held Justin Herbert in check.
"I take great pride in making quarterbacks uncomfortable," Bill Belichick said. "Sometimes my own.
"This is a rematch of Super Bowl XXXVIII. That Super Bowl was famous because it is considered one of the most thrilling Super Bowls of all time, and also because the roman numeral version of XXXVIII has more digits than Jason Pierre-Paul."
Patriots win, 23-17.
Buffalo @ Jacksonville (+13½)
The Bills beat the visiting Dolphins 26-11 to improve to 5-2.
"We got off to a very slow start," Sean McDermott said. "It was 3-3 at the half, and I was fit to be tied.
"But I don't need to yell at my players to motivate them. They know the ultimate goal; that's to win this city a Super Bowl, and dethrone the Goo Goo Dolls as Buffalo's most accomplished entity."
The Jaguars lost 31-7 to the Seahawks at Lumen Field. Jacksonville is 1-6, tied for last in the AFC South.
"That was just a pathetic effort," Urban Meyer said. "It doesn't feel good. Let me tell you, that plane ride home was grueling. I would have much rather been sitting in a bar receiving attention from a young lady. And I think my team probably felt the same way, in that they wished I wasn't on the plane.
"Sean McDermott and I are practically polar opposites. How do I know? Because I have a ton of respect for him."
Minnesota @ Baltimore (-5½)
The Ravens return from their bye hoping to rebound from their 41-17 home loss to the Bengals on October 24th.
"We've had a week to process the humiliation of that defeat," John Harbaugh said. "Then another week to process the humiliation of knowing a team that beat us by 24 lost to the Jets by 4.
"The secret is to take that humiliation and use it as motivation. Now, that's not a foolproof method, otherwise the Lions would have way too much motivation."
The Vikings lost 20-16 at home to the Cowboys and back-up quarterback Cooper Rush, making his first NFL start. Minnesota fell to 3-4, well behind the 7-1 Packers.
"Our offense lacked explosiveness," Mike Zimmer said. "My stress-induced diarrhea did not.
"But we've got to get back to playing Vikings football, which is running, passing, and defending, all with various and wildly unpredictable levels of success."
Ravens win, 32-24.L.A. Chargers @ Philadelphia (+2½)
The Chargers lost 27-24 at SoFi Stadium to the visiting Patriots. The Pats defense frustrated Justin Herbert, holding him to 223 yards and 2 touchdowns, while forcing 2 interceptions, the last of which was returned for a TD, sealing the win.
"It's never easy against a Bill Belichick-coached team," Herbert said, "especially if you're me. Belichick's like a magician. He took Tom Brady and turned him into a six-time Super Bowl champion. He took me and turned me into Carson Wentz."
The Eagles demolished the winless Lions 44-6 at Ford Field. Philly controlled the game on the ground, rushing for 236 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"Jalen Hurts threw only 14 passes," Nick Sirianni said. "That's not that many, but in Detroit, it's enough to prove that you're a better passer than Jared Goff.
"I'm assuming the Chargers game plan will be to stop our run game and force Jalen to throw the ball. I certainly can't argue with their logic."
Chargers win, 27-24.
Green Bay @ Kansas City (-2 ½)
The Packers upset the previously undefeated Cardinals 24-21 at State Farm Stadium on Thursday night. Aaron Rodgers passed for 2 touchdowns, and the Packers defense picked off Kyler Murray, including the game-sealing interception by Rasul Douglas.
"You know me," Rodgers said. "If it's a big, nationally-televised game, I'm gonna bring my A-game. If it's an actress I'd like to date, she better bring her B-list game.
"We had the perfect game plan to beat the Cards. And that was to put Kliff Kingsbury in uncomfortable situations, like making coaching decisions."
The Chiefs edged the Giants 20-17 on Monday night at Arrowhead Stadium. Patrick Mahomes passed for 275 yards and a touchdown with one interception.
"This was the game in which we were supposed to 'get right,'" Mahomes said. "If that's right, then we're gonna be 'left' out of the playoffs. But this game, against arguably the NFC's best team, will be a real test for us. I just hope we 'test positive.'
"You know me, I want to throw the ball downfield, not check down to a running back. There's nothing I hate more than a five-yard pass, except dealing with my family of idiots.
"I know our fans are frustrated, but I'm going to borrow a phrase from Aaron Rodgers and tell them to 'R-E-L-A-X' and add 'Y-O-U-R E-X-P-E-C-T-A-T-I-O-N-S.'"
Packers win, 27-26.
Arizona @ San Francisco (+2½)
The Packers handed the Cardinals their first defeat, a 24-21 loss at home on Thursday night. Arizona had a chance to win, but Kyler Murray's fourth-down pass was intercepted in the end zone.
"That pass was intended for A.J. Green," Murray said. "Up until that pass, A.J.'s play, unlike him, was actually 'turning heads.'
"But at least the surviving members of the 1972 Dolphins can rest easily, either in their graves or in their beds, knowing they are still the NFL's only perfect team."
The 49ers beat the Bears 33-22 at Soldier Field. Jimmy Garappolo rushed for 2 touchdowns as San Fran improved to 3-4.
"Jimmy is actually pretty adept at running the football," Kyle Shanahan said. "It's running an offense that he's not so great at."
San Fran wins, 26-24.
Tennessee @ L.A. Rams (-7½)
The Titans turned back the Colts 34-31 in overtime at Lucas Oil Stadium, and opened up an all but insurmountable three-game lead in the AFC South. While Indy held Derrick Henry in check, Ryan Tannehill passed for 265 yards and 3 TDs, and the Titans defense came up with 3 crucial turnovers.
"It was a costly win," Mike Vrabel said. "We lost Henry to a foot injury. Now, it's up to our, and Derrick's, 'supporting cast' to step up and do its job.
"We signed Adrian Peterson to fill the void at running back. A.P. is 36, and has over 3,200 NFL carries. So, you could say he's 'been around the block,' because that's probably where the Department of Child Services is."
The Rams pummeled the Texans 38-22 at NRG Stadium to improve to 7-1.
"Our offense is clicking on all cylinders," Sean McVay said. "Matthew Stafford leads the league in quarterback rating, and also leads the league, by a mile, in being grateful that he's 2,300 miles from Detroit.
"Plus, we just acquired Von Miller from the Broncos for a 2022 second-round pick and a 2022 third-round pick. We wanted Von for a very particular reason — to go after Tom Brady in the playoffs."
Rams win, 27-23.
Chicago @ Pittsburgh (-6½)
The Bears lost 33-22 to the visiting 49ers at Soldier Field.
"I thought we did pretty well considering our head coach was out," Justin Fields said. "Actually, that would be a pretty good result with our head coach.
"Matt Nagy has missed the last two games with Covid. Now, I'm not anti-mask, or anti-vaccine, but I am anti-Matt Nagy."
The Steelers beat the Browns 15-10 in a defensive struggle at FirstEnergy Stadium.
"That's what AFC North football is all about," Mike Tomlin said. "Tough defense, a commitment to the run, and two quarterbacks who make those two previous things absolutely necessary."
Steelers win, 26-16.