NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 14

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Pittsburgh @ Minnesota (-3½)

The Steelers edged the Ravens 20-19 at Heinz Field, surviving when Baltimore failed to convert a two-point conversion after scoring to make it a one-point game.

"I must say," Mike Tomlin said, "it was a ballsy call on John Harbaugh's part. So ballsy, it was nuts.

"Ben Roethlisberger says this will be his last season. I think that everyone, teammates, friends, family, former players, and fans alike, have something to say to Ben, and that's, 'You promise?'

"Of course, Ben may reconsider. And ultimately, it's Ben's decision. And I don't think Ben really listens to people telling him what he can and cannot do, especially female relations. If Ben wants to stay, that's great. If he doesn't, we'll deal with it in a calm and orderly fashion, by reviewing our roster, seeing that Mason Rudolph is our No. 2 QB, then frantically and recklessly entering the Aaron Rodgers and Russell Wilson bidding wars."

The Vikings fell to the lowly Lions 29-27, surrendering a Jared Goff touchdown pass to Amon-Ra St. Brown with 4 seconds left.

"We just made too many mistakes," Mike Zimmer said. "The most glaring one was playing the 'end zone prevent defense,' which I believe was a first in NFL history.

"The circumstances of this loss are going to haunt me. And trust me, I'm the most haunted coach in history. Between missed 27-yard fields in the playoffs and the worst defensive sequence known to man, I should have been scared to death by now.

"And I expect my demise is imminent. Honestly, that may be a relief. I'm sure there's a place in this league for an aging yet wise defensive coordinator looking for a career revival. And if Kirk Cousins is not in that same place, then I'm all in."

Minnesota wins, 24-21.

San Francisco @ Cincinnati (-½)

The 49ers lost 30-23 to the Seahawks in Seattle, as a multitude of mistakes contributed to San Fran's first loss after three consecutive wins.

"We beat ourselves," Kyle Shanahan said, "which is something you should do in private, and certainly not in Seattle with 12 Men watching. Am I interpreting Seattle's '12th Man' correctly?"

The Bengals fell down 24-0 to the visiting Chargers before mounting a comeback that ultimately fell short in a 41-22 loss. Cincy fell to 7-5, one game behind the Ravens in the AFC North.

"We were riding high after smashing the Steelers in Week 12," Joe Burrow said. "Then the Chargers came into our house and embarrassed us. That's called putting us in 'our place.'

"We put ourselves in a big hole very quickly. A 24-0 hole is basically six feet deep, so we really just dug our own grave, and the Chargers covered it, spit on it, smacked it up, flipped, and rubbed it down.

"I'll be playing on Sunday with a right pinkie finger injury that happened as a result of a dislocation against the Chargers. It's a painful injury, but I'm gonna fight through it. If the pain becomes too much, you'll know it when you hear me 'pinkie swear.'"

Bengals win, 27-24.

Baltimore @ Cleveland (-2½)

The Ravens' unsuccessful two-point conversion at Heinz Field resulted in a 20-19 loss to the Steelers.

"If I had it to do over," John Harbaugh said, "I would have kicked the extra point. And that is the first time any coach has been totally honest after starting a sentence with 'If I had it to do over.'

"But we have to move on to Cleveland. Lamar Jackson threw 4 interceptions the last time we played the Browns. That is certainly not the most accurate representation of Lamar, and he's certainly looking to cut down on those interceptions, and I want to help him. One way to do it is to only throw three passes. But that would be totally insulting to Lamar's confidence, and his ability, and 21st century football."

The Browns had a Week 13 bye, and are looking to regroup after a sloppy 16-10 loss to the Ravens on November 28th.

"There's a lot of things we need to work on," Kevin Stefanski said. "including all of them."

Browns win, 22-20.

Jacksonville @ Tennessee (-9½)

The Titans had a Week 13 bye and are looking to bounce back from their Week 12 blowout loss to the Patriots.

"The Patriots really beat us up physically," Mike Vrabel said. "They took our manhood, so the theme of our practices after that has been 'Re-member the Titans.'

"I know it must be hard for Derrick Henry to watch our offense struggle. With Derrick, our offense was 'fit for a King;' without Derrick, our offense causes 'fits for the King.'"

The Rams crushed the Jaguars 37-7, handing the Jags their worst loss of the season. Trevor Lawrence managed just 145 yards while completing 16-of-28 passes.

"I can't tell you the last time someone was 30 points better than me," Urban Meyer said. "Although, if you're ranking the quality of NFL coaches, somebody will be 30 points better than me.

"Keep in mind, Trevor is just a rookie. Heck, he's only 22-years-old. I mean, maybe he doesn't look like an NFL quarterback, but it's all about perspective. If Trevor and his long, flowing locks were hanging out in a dark bar in Columbus, Ohio, I'm not sure I'd peg him as an NFL quarterback. Heck, by night's end, he might be grinding all up on me."

Vrabel coaches circles around Meyer, and the Titans roll 27-12.

Las Vegas @ Kansas City (-8½)

The Chiefs dominated the visiting Broncos 22-3 win on Sunday night at Arrowhead Stadium. K.C.'s defense forced 3 turnovers, one of which was an interception returned 75 yards for a touchdown by Daniel Sorenson.

"That's great for Daniel," Andy Reid said. "It was cool to see him running down the field as fast as he could and not be chasing the man he was covering.

"If you think something's wrong with our offense, you're wrong. Our offense is just taking what the defense gives them. And defenses have been giving them fits."

The Raiders lost 17-15 to Washington at Allegiant Stadium, dropping Vegas to 6-6, third in the AFC West, two games behind the Chiefs.

"The Washington Football Team has really stuck it to the Raiders this year," Derek Carr said. "And when I say 'stuck it to the Raiders,' I mean right up the 'Black Hole.' First it was with emails, then it was on the field at Allegiant Stadium. So, actually, first in cyberspace, then at the 'Death Star.'

"Sunday's game against the Chiefs is our season. A loss, and we're three games out and pretty much done. A win, and we're one game back, until the following week, when we will inevitably lose and be right back where we started. That's Raiders football lately: going nowhere, again."

Chiefs win, 27-23.

New Orleans @ NY Jets (+5½)

The Saints lost 27-17 to the visiting Cowboys on Thursday night, suffering their fourth straight loss. Taysom Hill was 19-of-41 for 264 yards, with 2 touchdowns and 4 interceptions.

"Taysom is capable of running through a brick wall with his legs," Sean Payton said, "and building one with his arm. I don't know what was more off-target, his passes, or my decision to start him. Sometimes, starting Taysom at quarterback plays right into the hands of the defense. Literally.

"That being said, I'm starting Taysom against the Jets, so 'F' you, and 'F' all the Saints players on your fantasy team."

The Jets lost 33-18 to the Eagles at MetLife Stadium as Gardner Minshew led the Eagles to points on their first seven drives.

"Minshew was 20-of-25 for 242 yards and 2 touchdowns," Robert Saleh said. "I want Zach Wilson to look at Minshew and say, 'That's what an NFL quarterback looks like.' At least on the stat sheet. Maybe not physically. Minshew looks like a professional angler, or a chewing tobacco model, or a rattail connoisseur, or a member of a Mississippi-based Chippendales exotic dance group.

"I remember my days working as a graduate assistant for Brian Kelly at Central Michigan University. Brian taught me a lot about defense, and he really emphasized it. Like, it starts with a capital 'D,' and Brian emphasized that by being one of the biggest 'D's' there is."

Saints win, 30-19.

Dallas @ Washington (+4½)

The Cowboys beat the Saints 27-17 at Caesar's Superdome on Thursday night. The Dallas defense picked off Taysom Hill 4 times, one of which was returned for a touchdown by Carlos Watkins.

"When our defense found out that Hill was starting at quarterback," Dan Quinn said, "well, you could say they 'received' it well.

"It's good to see Washington playing so well. It makes the Dallas/Washington rivalry so much better. It's a rivalry that fans young and old can identify with. I mean, what kid didn't grow up playing 'Cowboys and Football Team?'"

Washington's defense shut down the Raiders offense, and Taylor Heinicke passed for 2 touchdowns as Washington won, 17-15. The win kept Washington at the sixth position in the NFC's playoff standings.

"That win was for our defensive coordinator Jack Del Rio," Ron Rivera said. "He was fired as head coach of the Raiders in 2017, and he didn't even send one single racist, misogynist, or homophobic e-mail."

Dallas wins, 26-23.

Atlanta @ Carolina (-2½)

The Panthers return from their bye week with Joe Brady out as offensive coordinator after Matt Rhule announced his firing on December 5th.

"It was nothing personal," Rhule said. "In fact, health reasons were the cause of Joe's dismissal. He had an incontinence problem, so he 'had to go.'

"What this means is a fresh start for this team. That's either a fresh start beginning with our game against the Falcons, or a fresh start beginning on Monday, January 10th when I get fired."

The Falcons lost 30-17 to the Buccaneers at Raymond James Stadium, as Tom Brady torched the Atlanta defense for 368 yards and 4 touchdowns.

"Brady threw the ball 51 times," Matt Ryan said. "I'm pretty sure that was no accident. Obviously, it was another gentle reminder of Super Bowl LI, which might as well be tattooed on my forehead. On a related note, I have '28-3' tattooed on my lower back, so I never have to see it."

Atlanta wins, 22-17.

Seattle @ Houston (+7½)

The Seahawks snapped a three-game losing streak with a gutsy 30-23 win over the visiting 49ers. Russell Wilson passed for 231 yards and 2 touchdowns.

"Russell played well against a strong defense and pass rush," Pete Carroll said. "I thought he showed great poise. As a 70-year-old man, I often show 'great Poise,' when I buy it in bulk at Walgreen's to manage my runaway bladder.

"We signed Adrian Peterson on December 2nd. A.P. was signed on the condition that he never shake Russell Wilson's hand, and on his condition that we never ask how his children are doing."

The Texans were shutout 31-0 at home by the Colts, who held Houston to 57 yards passing and 84 on the ground.

"That was just a pathetic effort by everyone," David Culley said. "And ultimately, it's all my responsibility. Any lesser coach would have been fired, but luckily, there are no lesser coaches than me.

"Tyrod Taylor and Davis Mills both played equally as badly against the Colts. It makes choosing a starter a difficult task. I'm thinking about leaving it up to a coin flip, because most Texans fans believe a coin is more qualified to make that decision."

Seattle wins, 30-20.

Detroit @ Denver (-7½)

The Lions beat the visiting Vikings 29-27 to take their first win of the season, and first under Dan Campbell. Jared Goff's four-yard pass to Amon-Ra St. Brown with 4 seconds left gave Detroit the unlikely win.

"The monkey is off our back," Campbell said. "And thank God, because that monkey's been throwing poop all season, and so has Jared."

The Broncos lost 22-3 in Kansas City to the Chiefs, who forced 3 Denver turnovers.

"Our defense was better than the score indicated," Vic Fangio said. "The score indicated that our offense sucks."

Broncos win, 24-20.

NY Giants @ L.A. Chargers (-10½)

The visiting Chargers whipped the Bengals 41-22 at Paul Brown Stadium. L.A. jumped out to a 24-0 lead, then withstood a Bengals rally before pulling away late.

"Justin Herbert may have the strongest arm in the NFL," Brandon Staley said. "He's like Philip Rivers with an arm, and no mouth.

"Hopefully, we'll have a partisan crowd at SoFi Stadium. Keep in mind, a 'partisan' Chargers crowd at SoFi means everybody agrees they'd rather be somewhere else."

The Giants fell 20-9 to the Dolphins at Hard Rock Stadium. Mike Glennon started for the injured Daniel Jones, but did little to spark the offense.

"That's not totally true," Joe Judge said. "Glennon can, in fact, ignite an offense, if that offense is a dumpster and not yet on fire."

Chargers win, 28-14.

Buffalo @ Tampa Bay (-3½)

The Bills lost 14-10 at home to the Patriots on Monday night. Mac Jones threw only 3 passes, while the Bills were stricken by errors and missed opportunities.

"It was a unique game," Sean McDermott said. "It was far from '3 yards and a cloud of dust.' It was more like '3 passes and a cloud of suspicion about our ability to win the big game.'"

Tom Brady passed for 368 yards and 4 touchdowns as the Buccaneers beat the Falcons 30-17 at Raymond James Stadium.

"We identified weaknesses in the Atlanta secondary," Brady said, "as well as on their sideline, and generally everywhere in their organization. One area in which I can't fault them is their knowledge of who is and is not vaccinated on their team. I'm not sure I can say that about the Bucs organization. Antonio Brown had a fake COVID vaccination card. As we have learned time and time again, that is the real Antonio Brown.

"This could very well be a preview of Super Bowl LVI. More specifically, this could very well be a preview of Buffalo losing Super Bowl LVI."

Bucs win, 31-28.

Chicago @ Green Bay (-11½)

The Packers had a Week 13 bye and currently sit in second in the NFC playoff standings.

"My toe feels better," Aaron Rodgers said, "but it's still quite painful. Luckily, a painkiller is something my team of doctors unanimously agree I should inject into my body."

Andy Dalton threw 4 interceptions as the Bears fell 33-22 at Soldier Field to the Cardinals. Chicago fell to 4-8, third in the NFC North.

"I would equate Andy's performance to the perineum of quarterbacking," Matt Nagy said, "because his quality of play fell somewhere between 'like dick' and 'like ass.'"

Packers win, 30-13.

L.A. Rams @ Arizona (-2½)

The Rams walloped the overmatched Jaguars at SoFi Stadium 37-7, holding Jacksonville to under 200 yards total offense.

"I'm now 1-0 head-to-head against Urban Meyer in the NFL," Sean McVay said. "Then again, who's not?"

Arizona whipped the Bears 33-22 at Soldier Field as Kyler Murray passed for 2 TDs and rushed for 2 more.

"Kyler looked totally healthy," Kliff Kingsbury said. "I noticed a hop in his step, and it wasn't from having a bad ankle.

"We could all but clinch the division with a win over the Rams. So it's a must-win game for them, and I'm guessing they're gonna pull out all the stops to beat us. Is this a game in which Odell Beckham, Jr. goes off, or the Rams run some crazy trick plays, or they surprise us with an onside kick? Maybe. All I know is if there is gonna be a 'wild card,' it will be the Rams in the playoffs."

Rams win, 31-30.

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