Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Cincinnati @ Kansas City (-7)
Despite giving up nine Joe Burrow sacks to the Titans, the Bengals outlasted the AFC's top-seeded team with a 19-16 win at Nissan Stadium. Evan McPherson's 52-yard field goal as time expired was the game-winner, and Cincy advanced to their first conference title game since 1988.
"This team is on the rise," Zach Taylor said. "Things are 'looking up,' just as they were for Burrow behind our offensive line. Luckily, Joe is more capable of putting this team on his back than our offensive line is of doing the same.
"Credit should go to our defense. They intercepted Ryan Tannehill three times. And speaking of Tannehill, the Titans 2022 quarterback has been confirmed as 'someone other Than-nehill.'
"We're confident our offense can score with the Chiefs. And we're confident our defense will make that absolutely necessary. That was the case back in Week 17 when we rallied from a 28-14 deficit to win, 34-31. Ja'Marr Chase had 11 receptions for 266 yards and 3 TDs in that game. That's impressive, until you look at what Buffalo's Gabriel Davis did against the Chiefs. Bottom line: I'm gonna give Chase the ball; KC's defense will just 'give Chase.'
The Chiefs advanced to the fourth consecutive AFC championship game with a remarkable 42-36 overtime win over the visiting Bills. Down by three with 13 seconds left in regulation, Patrick Mahomes completed two passes to set up Harrison Butker's 49-yard field goal to force overtime.
"Thirteen seconds is an eternity," Mahomes said. "I'm not sure any other team could run two plays to maneuver into scoring position given that little time, except for the Bills. Certainly not the Cowboys. Give the Cowboys 13 seconds, and the only thing they'll 'run' is through the tunnel to the locker room after time expires.
"Andy Reid may have given me a nickname that sticks when he said, 'When it's grim, be the Grim Reaper.' But let's be real, if the Grim Reaper showed up with my voice, he'd immediately lose all credibility. I don't know what would make Chiefs fans happier: me as the Grim Reaper winning the Super Bowl, or the real Grim Reaper showing up to my brother Jackson's. That could be a problem, because Jackson has no soul, spiritually, or as a dancer."
Chiefs win, 32-30.
San Francisco @ L.A. Rams (-3½)
The 49ers kept Aaron Rodgers in check and made huge special teams plays on their way to a 19-16 upset of the No. 1-seeded Packers at Lambeau Field.
"I think we proved once again," Kyle Shanahan said, "that Rodgers has, in fact, not been immunized, against shocking playoff losses as the No. 1 seed. Rodgers does indeed host 'Jeopardy,' every time he plays at home in the playoffs. 'What is underachieving, Alex?' Apparently, the 'Rodgers Rate' is once in a career. Rodgers' reputation is taking a hit, kind of like it would if, instead of Jake from State Farm, you were hanging with Jerry and Joe from State College.
"Jimmy Garoppolo played a whale of a game. He did everything we asked of him, which was nothing. In other words, he carried out our game plan to imperfection. He consistently put our defense in position to put the Green Bay offense in position to put the Green Bay special teams in position to kick the game away.
"How about my clock management skills on that game-winning drive? Mike McCarthy can only dream of a performance like that. I wouldn't be surprised if Jerry Jones advocates for his team to hire Flavor Flav as McCarthy's clock management advisor."
The Rams squandered a 27-6 lead at Tampa before two crucial catches by Cooper Kupp set up Matt Gay's 30-yard field goal as time expired in a 30-27 win.
"Cooper showed why he is the best receiver in the NFL," Sean McVay said. "We're glad to have his skills working for us. Our Kupp runneth over, and our Kupp also runneth faster, and our Kupp also runneth past defensive backs.
"We came very close to giving that game away. We almost choked. Incidentally, Chunky Soup is so hearty and full of meat that you can almost choke on it.
"But I was thrilled by our resilience. I think we proved one thing to the NFL, and it is this: our offense with a 27-6 lead is almost as tragic as the Falcons offense with a 28-3 lead.
"Tom Brady nearly brought the Bucs back from a near insurmountable deficit. You can never count Tom Brady out. Heck, with Brady, why even bother counting? If you do, you'll run out of fingers, much like Jason Pierre-Paul.
"But there's no need to feel sorry for Brady. He has seven Super Bowl rings, a beautiful family, more money than he can count, and respect throughout the league. The day I start feeling sorry for Tom is the day you tell me he's resorted to selling his farts in a jar for money. Let's face it, when you hear the words 'non-fungible token,' it honestly sounds like you're describing a fart."
What's the secret to beating the 49ers? McVay has no idea, and that's no secret. McVay and the Rams are 0-6 versus Shanahan and the Rams since 2019. McVay will have to access the deep, dark recesses of his brain to devise the game plan to beat the 49ers. Or maybe he should just leave it up to defensive coordinator Raheem Morris to answer the questions, 'Why the hell can we not beat a Jimmy Garoppolo-quarterbacked team?' If I may speak for Raheem, then take away Jimmy G's short passes that turn into long gains and force that son of a gun to throw deep. And have Jalen Ramsey walk the walk, as well as talk the talk. And force a couple turnovers to offset the three your offense will surrender. And hell, since your pass rush troubled Tom Brady early, you should be able to do the same to Jimmy Garoppolo, of all people. Because, he's not Tom Brady.
Rams win, 25-23.
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