Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Cincinnati vs. L.A. Rams (-3½)
The Bengals overcame a 21-3 halftime deficit and completed the comeback with Evan McPherson's 31-yard field goal with 9:22 left in overtime to stun the Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium.
"Down 21-3 at the half," Joe Burrow said, "things looked grim. And we were staring down the Grim Reaper himself, Patrick Mahomes, who did, in fact, play so badly he 'sucked' the life out of his team and stadium in the second half. Heck, you could even say a little part of Mahomes died out there.
"Don't let our youth fool you; we may be young, but we bring talent and youthful exuberance to the table. Our effort is inspired by the great Lawrence Taylor. No, we don't go out there and play like 'crazed dogs;' instead, we let L.T.'s favorite saying guide us: 'Age ain't nothing but a number.'
"Let me take a moment to congratulate Tom Brady on his retirement. Obviously, Tom could still play at a high level, but some things take precedence. Retirement gives Tom more time to be a father and husband. If one of the benefits of retirement is more time to be a father and husband, then let's hope Tyreek Hill never retires."
The Rams erased a 10-point third quarter deficit and held on to beat the 49ers 20-17, ending a six-game losing streak to San Francisco. Matthew Stafford passed for 337 yards and 2 touchdowns, both to Cooper Kupp.
"When it's crunch time," Stafford said, "we want the ball in Cooper's hands. Also, when it's crunch time, we don't want the red flag in Sean McVay's hands.
"Many people had their doubts about all the picks we surrendered to bring players like me, Jalen Ramsey, Von Miller, and Odell Beckham, Jr., among others, to Los Angeles. Before that, 'all-in' was something you heard mainly by directors in movies filmed in the San Fernando Valley.
"It's hard to believe we'll be playing the Super Bowl at SoFi Stadium. We call it 'Home Sweet Home.' Our fans, who, when they do decide to attend games, like to take it in with wine and cheese served in a luxury setting, call it 'Home Suite Home.'"
The captains meet at midfield for the coin toss, where the Rams, as visiting team, prepare to call the toss. But in an historic first, the Rams defer the choice, and the Bengals, in turn, defer their choice. After the second pair of deferments, NFL rules stipulate an arbitrator, assigned by Major League Baseball, settle the issue. An hour later, with no resolution in sight, the arbitrator, in true MLB fashion, calls for the decision to be settled with a coin toss.
The Rams get the ball first, and Stafford immediately airs it out, with three straight incompletions. The Bengals take over, and Burrow does just the opposite, with three consecutive completions, as Cincy attacks with the short passing game. It leads to a short Evan McPherson field goal, and Cincy takes a 3-0 lead.
The Rams get on the board late in the first when Stafford connects with Odell Beckham, Jr. on a flukey TD pass that is actually tipped twice by the Bengals. At the half, Cincy leads 16-14 at the half.
The much anticipated halftime show featuring Kendrick Lamar, Snoop Dogg, Mary J. Blige, Eminem, and Dr. Dre commences with a video tribute to the late John Madden, a tribute that touchingly closes with the words "To Pimp a Turducken."
Snoop gets the festivities started with a shout out to the former Washington Redskins cheerleader photo shoot scandal, "Nuthin' But a G-String." Then, Washington owner Daniel Snyder, not a fan of Snoop's music, surprises the live and television crowd by offering Snoop $100,000 to stop. Snoop refuses the offer, and instead invites Kendrick Lamar onstage, where Lamar entertains with a song that Snyder wishes he would have composed, called "Snitch, Don't Kill My Vibe."
Mary J. Blige joins the party, and invites the entire Manning clan onstage for a stirring, albeit incredibly off-key version of her 2001 No. 1 hit, "Family Affair." As the song closes, Peyton Manning makes a grab for Blige's bustier, but she slaps his hand away, and in turn rips Manning's shirt off, revealing a "Caesars Sportsbook" tattoo across his chest.
Eminem follows and starts his set by hiring Brian Flores, to play the role of Rihanna, and two belt out "Love The Way You Lie," while calling out the Giants, the Dolphins, and the Broncos by name.
Dr. Dre anchors the festivities by reuniting with the two surviving members of N.W.A., Ice Cube, and MC Ren, and a hologram of Eazy E. They issue a rap challenge, calling for any four NFL team owners to take the stage and perform as the aptly-titled rappers "N.D.A." There are no takers, although Jerry Jones does come out, but only because he's fascinated by the Eazy E hologram, and swears for years afterwards that "it was really him."
The Rams score late on a Stafford to Cooper Kupp TD pass to take a 27-26 lead, and Jalen Ramsey forces a fumble on the Bengals' final drive to preserve the win.
Rams win, 27-26.
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