Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Las Vegas @ L.A. Rams (+5½)
Derek Carr and Davante Adams connected for 2 long touchdown scores to power the Raiders to a 27-20 win over the Chargers. Josh Jacobs assisted with 144 rushing yards and a touchdown as Las Vegas improved to 5-7.
"Those three guys are what you call 'talent,'" Josh McDaniels said. "And I'm the one that takes that talent, molds it, coaches it up, and turns it into a sub-.500 record.
"We're 3-0 since Derek cried in a post-game press conference. That's what's sometimes known, ironically, as 'going out with a whimper.'"
The Rams lost 27-23 to the Seahawks, their second consecutive close loss without Matthew Stafford. Stafford is on injured reserve with a spinal contusion and is unlikely to return this season.
"Matt's is a pretty serious injury," Sean McVay said. "He'll be lucky if he ever walks again ... onto the field this year as our starter.
"We obviously won't be defending our Super Bowl title. But we're not ready to start thinking about next year. That's because we're still thinking about last year."
Raiders win, 27-22.
NY Jets @ Buffalo (-9½)
Josh Allen passed for 2 touchdowns and the Bills' defense stifled Mac Jones and the Patriots offense in a 24-10 win on Thursday night.
"Our defense makes it hard for any team to generate offense," Allen said. "And on that note, why don't we nickname the Bills defense the 'D-Generate.' That would make them the second biggest degenerate in the NFL, well behind Deshaun Watson.
"We plan on avenging our Week 9 loss to the Jets. In that game, I was outplayed by Zach Wilson. Does it get more embarrassing than that? Yes, it does. It was embarrassing in Week 9. It's more embarrassing now."
The Jets comeback attempt from a 20-6 halftime deficit fell short in a 27-22 loss to the Vikings at US Bank Stadium. Mike White led the Jets with 369 yards passing and a rushing score.
"Mike has firmly established," Robert Saleh said, "a place for Zach Wilson on the bench. Mike knows how to kick-start an offense. Zach knows how to not-start an offense."
Bills win, 23-17.
Cleveland @ Cincinnati (-6)
The Browns defense and special teams did all the work in a 27-14 win over the Texans at Houston in Deshaun Watson's debut with Cleveland.
"Deshaun was a little rusty," Kevan Stefanski said. "And when he's rusty, an oily rubdown is strictly forbidden as a remedy, so he's just gonna have to play his way into shape.
"That being said, Deshaun's quite used to benefitting from a good defense team. And he's happy just to be able to play after what's happened in the last few years. He feels incredibly grateful to be where he's at. Sometimes, he finds it so hard to believe, he has to pinch himself. Other times, he has to touch himself."
Joe Burrow passed for two scores and rushed for another to lead the Bengals to a 27-24 home win over Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs. Burrow is now 3-0 head-to-head against Mahomes.
"I was pumped up to face the Chiefs," Burrow said, "but I've never been more motivated to beat a team than the Browns. Not only did they beat us in Week 8, but Deshaun Watson is their quarterback. He shouldn't even be allowed to play football. Mark my words ... I'm going to 'finish him off' once and for all."
Bengals win, 27-23.
Houston @ Dallas (-17)
The Texans lost 27-14 to the visiting Browns in Deshaun Watson's debut as Cleveland quarterback. Kyle Allen had 3 turnovers, two of which were returned by the Browns for touchdowns.
"Despite his issues," Lovie Smith said, "it's good to see Deshaun has found a home ... that's far away from Houston.
"Kyle played pretty badly. And that's being kind. He was terrible. He's a lot like Watson ... he should be banned from football permanently."
The Cowboys demolished the Colts 54-19 on Sunday night. The Dallas defense forced 5 turnovers and scored on a fumble return.
"That game kind of reminded me of a photograph from 1957," Jerry Jones said, "because I don't believe the Colts belonged on the same field with us.
"The Texans are clearly the worst team in the league. So, you can call this matchup 'Sucking the Big D vs. the Big D.'"
Dallas wins, 31-17.
Minnesota @ Detroit (-1½)
The Vikings built a 20-3 first half lead and held on to beat the visiting Jets 27-22. The Minnesota defense gave up nearly 500 yards of total offense, but allowed the Jets in the end zone only once.
"Say what you want about them," Kevin O'Connell said, "but our defense got the job done. I call them our 'Bend, Bend Some More, Bend Yet Even More, But Don't Break' defense.
"We're very close to clinching the NFC North. I'm not saying we're putting the champagne on ice, mostly because champagne on ice is a foreign concept in a Lions facility. But we'll be drinking something after the game. It will probably be a beverage commonly used to wash down humble pie."
The Lions blasted the Jaguars 40-14 at Ford Field as Jared Goff and Amon-Ra St. Brown hooked up for two touchdowns. Detroit is 5-7, five games behind the 10-2 Vikings in the NFC North.
"I'd say this season has been a success so far," Dan Campbell said. "Mostly because the term 'mathematical elimination' is being used around here after Thanksgiving."
Lions win, 30-27.
Jacksonville @ Tennessee (-3½)
The Jaguars were hammered 40-14 in Detroit as the Lions amassed 450 total yards on offense while Trevor Lawrence struggled. Jacksonville fell to 4-8 and trails the division-leading Titans by 3 games.
"That was a demoralizing loss," Doug Pederson said, "but I'm unphased. Such a loss may have forced a lesser coach into quitting coaching to become a third-rate college football analyst, after of course drowning his sorrows amongst the crotch of a strange woman in a seedy Cincinnati bar."
The Eagles hammered the Titans 35-10 at Lincoln Financial Field. Jalen Hurts had 4 total touchdowns, and the Philly defense bottled up Derrick Henry and Ryan Tannehill.
"The Eagles showed us that we've got a lot we need to work on," Mike Vrabel said. "Like, we need to work on being more thankful that we're in the AFC South.
"Despite the loss, we still have a three-game lead in the South. So the good news is we'll have a home game in the playoffs. The bad news? It won't be against an AFC South foe."
Titans win, 23-17.
Philadelphia @ NY Giants (+6½)
Jalen Hurts had 4 total touchdowns, including 2 TD passes to former Titan A.J. Brown, in Philadelphia's 35-10 win over Tennessee.
"One way to put distance between A.J. and Titans players," Nick Sirianni said, "is to trade him to Philly. Another is to have those same Titans players try to cover him."
Eagles win, 28-24.
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (-3)
Tyler Huntley's 2-yard TD run with 28 seconds left gave the Ravens a big 10-9 win over the visiting Broncos. Huntley took over for Lamar Jackson, who suffered a knee injury in the first quarter.
"Tyler provided just enough offense for the win," John Harbaugh said. "When you're playing the Broncos, that's a very, very low bar."
The Steelers beat the Falcons 19-16 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium as Pittsburgh posted its first back-to-back victories of the season.
"We're streaking," Mike Tomlin said, "towards a decent first-round pick in the 2023 draft.
"George Pickens was really upset about only being targeted twice against the Falcons. I've got no problem with receivers asking for the ball, as long as they don't write a book about it. You couldn't pay me to read Keyshawn Johnson's book, which seems to be the only way you can actually get someone to read it."
Steelers win, 20-19.
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco (3½)
The Bucs stormed back from a 16-3 fourth quarter deficit to beat the Saints 17-16 at Raymond James Stadium. Tom Brady passed from 2 scores and passed Peyton Manning for most fourth-quarter comebacks with his 44th.
"The Saints defense had my number for three quarters," Brady said. "Completions were hard to come by. And that reminds me, I'd prefer that people not use the term 'breakup' when describing a defended pass.
"I heard Antonio Brown is wanted by Pittsburgh police for throwing a shoe at his baby's momma. Hopefully, A.B. remembered 'laces out.' He sure knows how to play the 'heel.' Obviously, A.B. has no 'sole.' What happened? Did his baby momma 'shoo' him away?"
The 49ers defense sacked Tua Tagovailoa 3 times and forced 3 Tagovailoa turnovers to lead San Fran to a 33-17 win over the Dolphins at Levi's Stadium. The win was bittersweet, as Jimmy Garoppolo was lost for the season with a broken foot.
"We've lost two starting quarterbacks this season," Kyle Shanahan said. "That's two more than some teams have, like the Panthers.
"We're counting on Brock Purdy to lead in Jimmy's absence. Brock's a rookie, but he's gonna have to grow up fast. The team has rallied behind Brock, and Brock has returned the favor by pumping them up. He's quite the motivational speaker, and his teammates are raving about his 'Purdy mouth.'"
49ers win, 23-13.
Carolina @ Seattle (3½)
The Panthers had a Week 13 bye and head to Seattle with a 4-8 record, just two games behind the Buccaneers in the NFC South.
"We're still in it," Steve Wilkes said. "By 'it,' I mean a 'delusional state that we're going to win the division.'
"Matt Rhule signed an eight-year contract to be the next head coach at Nebraska. We wish Matt nothing but the best in his time at Lincoln, and in the remaining seven years on that contract once he's fired."
Geno Smith's 8-yard TD pass to DK Metcalf with 36 seconds left gave the Seahawks a hard-fought 27-23 win over the Rams at SoFi Stadium. Seattle is 7-5, a game behind the 49ers in the NFC West.
"Geno would be a great candidate for 'Comeback Player of the Year,'" Pete Carroll said. "Russell Wilson already has my vote for 'Do Not Comeback Player of the Year.'
"Normally, our merchandise shop doesn't sell other team's apparel. But we've made an exception this season, and are currently offering some Denver attire in a cozy winter fabric. It's called the 'Fleeced Bronco' line, and has nothing to do with the Russell Wilson trade."
Seattle wins, 27-20.
Kansas City @ Denver (+8½)
The Broncos offense managed only three Brandon McManus field goals in a 10-9 loss at Baltimore. Once again, Russell Wilson and Denver's offense failed to produce enough to capitalize on another solid effort by their defense.
"'I shouldn't have to keep saying this," Nathaniel Hackett said, "but Russell is our quarterback. 'I shouldn't have to defend Russell Wilson' is what most opposing defenses say about our offense."
The Chiefs lost 27-24 to the Bengals in Cincinnati, and are 0-3 in their last three games against the Bengals, including a loss in last season's AFC title game.
"It's important we get off to a good start in Denver," Patrick Mahomes said. "If we can put a couple of quick touchdowns on the board early, we might not need to score for the remainder of the game."
Chiefs win, 26-19.
Miami @ L.A. Chargers (+2½)
Miami scored on a 75-yard TD bomb on the first play of the game, but the 49ers defense took charge afterwards, and San Fran went on to win 33-17. Tua Tagovailoa had 3 turnovers as the Dolphins saw their five-game winning streak snapped.
"If you're familiar with NFL playoff history from the early 1980's," Mike McDaniel said, "you probably know that an exhausted Kellen Winslow was carried off the field after the Chargers beat the Dolphins 41-38 in the divisional playoffs in 1982. If you're familiar with more recent history, you know Kellen Winslow II was carried off to jail in 2019."
The Chargers lost 27-20 to the Raiders in Las Vegas as two long touchdown passes from Derek Carr to Davante Adams sealed Los Angeles' fate. The Chargers are 6-6 and would be out of the playoffs if the season ended today.
"Defending the deep ball has been a problem for us all season," Brandon Staley said. "And with Tyreek Hill coming to town, it's gonna be a case of 'hide the women and children.' And I mean that literally."
Chargers win, 27-24.
New England @ Arizona (+1½)
The Bills beat the Patriots 24-10 as the New England offense struggled. Mac Jones passed for only 195 yards, and was visibly upset on the sideline.
"You'd be pissed too if Matt Patricia was calling plays for you," Jones said. "Matt famously keeps a pencil behind his ear. That's because he's so far behind the times, offensively and technology-wise, that he hasn't even discovered the pen yet.
"We need to open up our passing attack. That means throwing downfield. Matt just wants two players involved in our passing game, and their names are 'Dink' and 'Dunk.'"
The Cardinals return from their Week 13 bye at 4-8, four games behind the 8-4 49ers in the NFC West.
"I've always wondered what it would be like to play for Bill Belichick," Kyler Murray said. "Actually, I think about that a lot. Probably an average of four hours a day.
"We had a coach fired for groping a woman in Mexico. He's now the quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Oops. My mistake. Wrong person. He's been fired."
Cardinals win, 23-20.
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