Thursday, January 19, 2023
NFL Weekly Predictions: Divisional
Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Jacksonville @ Kansas City (-8½)
The Jaguars staged a miraculous comeback from a 27-0 first half deficit to the Chargers, completed on Riley Patterson's 31-yard field goal as time expired, giving Jacksonville a 31-30 win and a trip to the divisional round.
"Trevor Lawrence started the night with 4 interceptions in the first half," Doug Pederson said, "and finished it at Waffle House. That's how you celebrate in style. In Jacksonville, Waffle House is considered a four-star restaurant.
"I think Brandon Staley faces way too much criticism for some of his decisions. So, if he now wants to rest his starters until July, I say let him.
"With that being said, at some point, Staley's going to walk into his office, find his things packed, and hear the words 'Let's Go, Brandon.' It's too bad Brandon doesn't have the pull of Mike Vrabel, otherwise he could just fire everybody but himself when things go downhill.
"Even down 27, we kept our wits about us and didn't melt down. So, if teams were Bosa brothers, we were Nick, and the Chargers were Joey. I believe Joey needs to seek counseling more so than he needs to seek quarterbacks."
The top-seeded Chiefs are rested and ready to make a run to their fifth consecutive conference championship game. Kansas City finished 14-3 in the regular season and led the league in scoring.
"And we did it all without Tyreek Hill," Patrick Mahomes said. "Tyreek's season ended with him catching passes from Skylar Thompson. Obviously, Thompson is not me. My potential is unlimited. Skylar Thompson? Well, he's Skylar Thompson. His potential? The 'Sky's' the limit.
"I can tell you with 100% confidence that if the Jaguars spot us a 27-0 lead, they won't come back on us. I'm not sure what happened to the Chargers and that lead, but they are from Los Angeles, so as one would expect, they did some 'blow.'
"We're 7-1 at home in the playoffs with me at quarterback. So if you're a visiting team coming to Missouri, consider us your 'Mo. Foes.'"
What's the secret to the outcome of the game? It's simple: the first team to run the "Philly Special" wins, and Andy Reid beats Doug Pederson to the punch.
Chiefs win, 27-20.
New York Giants @ Philadelphia (-7)
Daniel Jones and Saquon Barkley carried the load as the Giants upset the No. 3 seeded Vikings 31-24 at US Bank Stadium. Jones passed for 2 scores, while Barkley rushed for 2 touchdowns.
"I think you saw Daniel and Saquon reach their full potential," Brian Daboll said. "And that may be the only time Vikings fans will actually see full potential.
"I'm proud of what I've done with this roster. Basically, I took Joe Judge's team, worked my magic, and made us a contender. By 'worked my magic,' I actually mean 'removed all traces of Judge's influence.'"
The Eagles bye allowed Jalen Hurts an extra week to heal his injured shoulder, and he'll look to lead the Eagles to their third win over the Giants this season.
"Jalen is able to throw with no pain," Nick Sirianni said. "So I'm not worried about his shoulder. There were times when I'd hold my breath when we threw the ball. That was when Gardner Minshew was quarterbacking.
"I'm sure Lincoln Financial Field will be in a frenzy come Sunday. If you think Eagles fans are hungry for a Super Bowl, you should see how thirsty they are for alcohol. I don't know what the average age of an Eagles fan is, but double that, and you get the approximate age of their liver.
"Have you heard of a Philly cheese steak soaked overnight in 80 proof vodka? It's called 'breakfast' in this great city."
Eagles win, 26-23.
Cincinnati @ Buffalo (-4)
The Bills overcame 3 turnovers by Josh Allen and slipped by the pesky Dolphins 34-31 at Highmark Stadium.
"It wasn't Josh's best game," Sean McDermott said, "but I think Skylar Thompson can take away a lot of positives from the game. Skylar was 18-of-45 for 220 yards, a touchdown, and 2 interceptions, so he can accurately say 'I played like Josh Allen.'
"Josh is the reason we can score 34 points. On the other side of the coin, Josh is often also the reason we have to score 34 points.
"We know the Bengals present more of a challenge than the Dolphins. Joe Burrow is no Skylar Thompson. Joe smokes victory cigars; Skylar's talent suggests he'll remain tobacco-free for his entire career."
The Bengals took a thrilling 24-17 win over the visiting Ravens to earn a spot in the divisional round against the Bills in Buffalo. Sam Hubbard's 98-yard return of a Tyler Huntley fumble early in the fourth quarter gave Cincy the winning points.
"Football is a game of inches," Zac Taylor said. "I'm talking, of course, of our running game against the Ravens.
"Our defense really came through for us. And that's good, because even after three games, our offense still hasn't figured out the Ravens defense. Solving the Ravens defense is like interpreting a Lamar Jackson social media post — practically impossible."
The Bills commit to the run, especially in the red zone, and Allen has no turnovers.
Tyler Bass kicks a 33-yard field goal with 3 seconds left in the game.
Bills win, 33-30.Dallas @ San Francisco (-3½)
The 49ers trailed the Seahawks 17-16 at the half, but dominated the second half and pulled away for a 41-23 win at Levi's Stadium. Brock Purdy passed for 3 scores and ran for another to power San Fran into the divisional round.
"Brock is doing things that Joe Montana and Steve Young never did," Kyle Shanahan said. "Of course, Joe and Steve did a lot of things Brock never did. That's good, because Joe and Steve played in San Fran in the '80s and '90s, when life in the city was a sexual and drug-induced free-for-all.
"We're 8-1 at home this season, so we feel extremely confident playing at Levi's Stadium. Heck, we're downright arrogant. The stadium was named after jeans, but we feel 'khaki' when we play there."
The Cowboys raced to an 18-0 halftime lead in Tampa and cruised to a 31-14 win over the Buccaneers in Tampa. Dak Prescott passed for 305 yards and 4 touchdowns and also rushed for one score.
"Dak played with a chip on his shoulder," Mike McCarthy. "Aaron Rodgers thought that if he got the COVID vaccine, he would be playing with a chip in his shoulder.
"Kudos to Dan Quinn and our defense. They really neutralized Tom Brady, and really made him look his age. I think Tom would be the first to confirm his belief in gender-fluidity, because Father Time is a bitch.
"Did we send Brady into retirement for good? I doubt it. He's still got it physically. He's got a strong grip and arm talent, which are two traits Robert Kraft has a keen eye for when he's selecting a quarterback, or a masseuse. I think the odds of Brady calling it quits are longer than Tom's droopy, 45-year-old scrotum. And speaking of 'droopy scrotums,' Jerry Jones was once mistaken for one."
Purdy manages his early nerves with a THC-infused gummy, as well as a game plan that calls for quick passes to running backs and safe passes to George Kittle. The Cowboys counter with runs out wide, and throws on the move from Prescott.
After the teams emerge from halftime tied 13-13, momentum swings dramatically towards the 49ers after Jerry Jones is shown on the JumboTron deep-throating a corn dog in the third quarter.
It gets worse minutes later, when Brett Maher lines up for a 47-yard field goal. Shanahan calls a timeout to ice Maher, then presents him with a tiara, bouquet, and a sequined sash proclaiming Maher "Miss Field Goal." Maher vows to uphold the honor of the title, and promptly does so by shanking the kick.
Kittle's 2 TD catches lead the 49ers, and the clock runs out on the Cowboys.
San Francisco wins, 26-20.