NFL Weekly Predictions: Conf. Championships

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

San Francisco @ Philadelphia (-2 ½)

The Eagles blasted the Giants 38-7 at Lincoln Financial Field, with the outcome never in doubt after Philly jumped out to a 21-0 lead midway through the second quarter. Jalen Hurts had 3 total touchdowns, and the Eagles defense sacked Daniel Jones five times.

"I compared Jalen to Michael Jordan," Nick Sirianni said. "Just to be clear, I compared him to Michael Jordan the basketball player. The Giants? Collectively, they were Michael Jordan the baseball player.

"And speaking of 'GOATs,' will Tom Brady return for his 24th year next season? I think he will. It's not like Tom to put 23 years into something and then just up and call it quits? Thirteen years? Sure. But not 23.

"We're counting on our fans to be incredibly loud and boisterous on Sunday. I'm 100%, or 200 proof, positive that they can do it. Our fans get a bad rap as obnoxious fools. They're actually very sophisticated and clever. It takes such traits to sneak alcohol, miscellaneous projectiles, and bail money into the stadium. Plus, they're wise enough to identify loopholes in complex anti-tailgating guidelines."

The 49ers turned back the Cowboys 19-12 at Levi's Stadium to reach their second NFC championship game in the last three years. San Fran intercepted Dak Prescott twice, and relied on their rushing attack in the second half to close the deal.

"If you would have told me back in September," Kyle Shanahan said " that the Cowboys season would end with Zeke Elliott playing center, I would have said, 'Sounds about right.' That play was as equally as successful as the Colts fake punt back in 2015. In their defense, the Colts weren't trying to score a touchdown on that play.

"We knew we could force Prescott to make some mistakes. Sometimes, Dak's bed is smarter than he is.

"The Cowboys last Super Bowl win was in 1995. The year is currently 2023. Maybe the saying 'How 'Bout Them Cowboys?' should be updated to 'The Dallas Cowboys: Jerry Jones is Going to Die Without Another Super Bowl, and He'll Probably Live to Be 100.'

"As for the Eagles, we can't let Jalen Hurts beat us with both his arm and his legs. We've got to make him one dimensional. And, if all goes as planned, we're gonna take that one 'D,' and ram it down Nick Sirianni's throat."

It's the first NFC championship game in Philadelphia since 2017. And you know what NFC title games in Philly means? Why, another historic display of public urination in the City of Brotherly Love, and more specifically, at "Leakin' Financial Field."

In a close game in which turnovers will likely decide the outcome, it's the team that turns one of those turnovers into immediate points. Darius Slay picks off Purdy in the third quarter and returns it for a touchdown.

Eagles win, 27-23.

Cincinnati @ Kansas City (+1 ½)

The Chiefs beat the visiting Jaguars 27-20 to advance to their fifth straight AFC championship game. Patrick Mahomes suffered a high ankle sprain in the first quarter, left the game briefly, and returned to throw a late TD to Marquez Valdes-Scantling.

"I don't think there's anything that could keep Patrick out of the AFC championship game," Andy Reid said. "Just ask former teammate Tyreek Hill. He'll tell you the only thing that would keep Patrick out of this game is a restraining order ... from a doctor, not the police.

"Patrick's dealing with a good amount of pain, but he's been able to practice. That's right, you heard me right. We're in here talkin' 'bout practice. I mean, listen, we're talkin' about practice, not a game, not a game, not a game, we talkin' about practice. So, if your question is, 'Will Patrick play?,' there's your 'Answer.'

"But just in case, Chad Henne is always on stand-by. He's perfectly capable of running our offense. In which direction, I can't say for sure. I mean, let's face it, Chad Henne at quarterback is like Zeke Elliott at center."

The Bengals overwhelmed the Bills from the start, racing to an early 14-0 lead and cruising to a 27-10 win to set up a rematch of last year's AFC title game, won by the Bengals.

"I think we dominated in every phase," Joe Burrow said, "for all four quarters. We put the Bills through 60 minutes of hell, which must be what Josh McDaniel's and family experienced back in 2018 when Jim Irsay spent nearly an hour in their bathroom.

"I think in regards to any room Irsay's been in, you can say 'It smells like something died in here' and you'd probably be right. If you say 'It smells like someone died in here,' you'd be more right.

"I know the Bills are disappointed. But they're already thinking about next year. Right after the game, Stephon Diggs ran a 'go' route, followed immediately by a 'comeback' route. It was just a matter of time before Diggs had his 'Just Give Me The Damn Ball!' moment. But seriously, we did the Bills a favor by winning. By beating them in a big game, we spared them the humiliation of losing in an even bigger game.

"We feel very confident going to Kansas City. We've got the Chiefs number. That number is, in fact, however many times we've played them."

Mahomes makes a grand entrance, with his ankle in a cast, sitting in a wheelchair, and wearing a New York Knicks Willis Reed No. 19 jersey, but sheds all three to lead his team onto the field.

Burrow one-ups Mahomes, arriving at midfield on a black horse, and spikes his lit cigar on the Chiefs logo.

Bengals win, 26-24.

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