Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
L.A. Rams @ San Francisco (-2½)
The 49ers dominated the visiting Bears in a 38-13 win at Levi's Stadium. Brock Purdy threw 2 TD passes, both to Jauan Jennings, and Isaac Guerendo had two scores on the ground.
"We're 6-7," Kyle Shanahan said, "and we're tied for last in the NFC West. So, as far as the playoffs go, we're hanging on by the skin of our teeth. Or stated another way, if you said a team that's already clinched a berth has five fingers firmly grasping a playoff spot, we're holding our playoff hopes by a pinky finger, and it's Ronnie Lott's pinky."
The Rams outgunned the visiting Bills 44-42 at SoFi Stadium. Puka Nacua was unstoppable for Los Angeles, with 12 receptions for 162 yards and a touchdown, as well as one rushing score.
"This was the national game," Sean McVay said. "So it was the Bills on the national stage, with all eyes watching, facing an NFC team — of course they lost."
49ers win, 27-24.
Kansas City @ Cleveland (+5)
Jameis Winston threw 2 touchdown passes, but also threw 2 interceptions, as the Browns lost 27-14 to the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Cleveland fell to 3-10, and are in last place in the AFC North.
"With Jameis as your quarterback," Kevin Stefanski said, "you always have a chance ... of losing by a lot, or losing by a little."
Matthew Wright's 31-yard field goal was good (enough), bouncing off the left upright and through to give the Chiefs a 19-17 win over the visiting Chargers. With the victory, Kansas City clinched the AFC West, their ninth-straight division title.
"We're 10-0 in one-score games this season," Patrick Mahomes said. "And speaking of 'one score,' fantasy owners call me a 'one-score quarterback,' because I'm good for about one score per game.
"It's going to be a bit chilly in Cleveland. Luckily, Jake From State Farm has continued to emphasize the importance of 'bundling.'"
Chiefs win, 24-13.
Cincinnati @ Tennessee (+5½)
The Bengals beat the Cowboys 27-20 at AT&T Stadium. Joe Burrow passed for 3 touchdowns, two to Ja'Marr Chase, who had 14 catches for 177 yards.
"This game was also broadcast as 'The Simpsons Funday Football,'" Burrow said, "with players appearing as cartoons from the Simpsons world. It was pretty cool for viewers. And I guess that makes us undefeated in these types of games, or 1 and 'Doh!'"
The Titans generated little offense in a 10-6 home loss to the Jaguars. Will Levis completed 19-of-32 passes for 168 yards, as Tennessee fell to 3-10.
"I don't think Will is our long-term answer at quarterback," Brian Callahan said. "It's not even a matter of 'Will'; it's more a matter of 'can't.'"
Bengals win, 26-23.
Washington @ New Orleans (+7½)
The Commanders had a Week 14 bye and return to action looking to secure a playoff spot. Washington is 8-5 and currently holds the NFC's No. 7 seed.
"We're not only thinking playoffs," Dan Quinn said. "We're thinking NFC East division crown. Sure, the Eagles are three games up on us, but they're on the verge of collapsing into their own dysfunction. I'm sure Jalen Hurts heard A.J. Brown's post-game comments after the Panthers game. It may very well be the first time Hurts has acknowledged Brown's existence in a while."
The Saints held on to beat the Giants 14-11 at MetLife Stadium. New Orleans kept their slim playoff hopes alive, but Derek Carr left the game with a hand injury and is out for the Commanders game.
"We are 5-8," Darren Rizzi. "We are only two games out of first in the NFC South, and also two games ahead of last place in the division. Such is the state of this weak-ass division. I guess we suck less than some teams in the division, and suck more than some teams in the division. But more or less, we suck."
Washington wins, 31-17.
Baltimore @ NY Giants (+15)
The Ravens had a Week 14 bye and look to regroup after losing two of their last three games. Baltimore is 8-5, two games behind the 10-3 Steelers in the AFC North.
"We have to get things pointed in the right direction," John Harbaugh said. "That direction is north, which is where MetLife Stadium lies in relation to Baltimore. And if you're a team and you're playing in MetLife, and you're not the Jets or Giants, then you're practically guaranteed a win."
The Giants lost the battle of bad offenses in a 14-11 loss to the visiting Saints at MetLife Stadium. Drew Lock was 21-of-49 for 227 yards and tossed 1 interception.
"If Drew Lock is your quarterback," Brian Daboll said, "you're already in a bad state. If he's throwing 49 passes, you should leave the state. And if you think I'll be the head coach of the Giants next year, then you're in a state of denial."
Ravens win, 31-12.
Dallas @ Carolina (-1)
The Panthers came close to stunning the Eagles, but Philly held on for a 22-16 win at Lincoln Financial Field. Carolina is 3-10, in last place in the NFC South.
"We come really close to beating both the Chiefs and Eagles," Dave Canales said. "I call those two near wins our 'Super Bowl of Moral Victories,' and at 3-10, we'll take a win in any form.
"Bryce Young is throwing the ball very well, and even rushed for 29 yards. I'm not saying Bryce is the next Cam Newton, because that would be an insult to Bryce's sensible fashion sense.
"If you've ever seen Cam on the field, you know what a dual threat quarterback looks like. If you've seen him off the field, you know what a steampunk carnival barker on his way to church looks like."
The Cowboys lost 27-20 to the visiting Bengals on Monday night. Dallas blocked a late Bengals punt, but in a mistake reminiscent of Leon Lett, Amani Oruwariye tried to grab the bouncing ball, but failed, and the Bengals recovered. Joe Burrow connected with Ja'Marr Chase for a long TD pass three plays later.
"In regards to the Simpsons-themed broadcast in connection with the game," Jerry Jones said, "I think you saw a different version of a 'cartoonish' performance from the Cowboys.
"I think Leon Lett would tell you that the outcome of that game was worse than an 'L.' He would say it was an 'LL.'"
Cowboys win, 24-21.
NY Jets @ Jacksonville (+3½)
The struggling Jets showed some signs of life on offense, but their defense couldn't make crucial stops late. The end result was a 32-26 overtime loss to the Dolphins at Hard Rock Stadium.
"We started this season with Super Bowl aspirations," Aaron Rodgers said. "Five weeks in, we still had Super Bowl aspirations, just for the 2025 season.
"The Jets franchise has now gone 14 years without a playoff berth. Fourteen years is a long time. Fourteen years is almost a decade and a half. Fourteen years is the time it takes for a COVID vaccine to lay dormant in the body before transforming into an intravenous drone that gathers and records biometric data and sells it to the government."
The Jaguars scored 10 fourth quarter points to salvage a 10-6 win over fellow AFC South cupcake Tennessee. The Jags win and Tennessee loss left both teams at 3-10, occupying the very bottom of the division.
"Aaron Rodgers said he'd retire on the spot if we lose to the Jags," Doug Pederson said. "That quote is going to be used by me to motivate my team, and by every football fan on the planet as a reason to pull for the Jags. Sure, this franchise has played in the AFC championship game on multiple occasions, but this game against the Jets has become the most important game in Jaguars history."
Jets win, 26-13.
Miami @ Houston (-3)
Tua Tagovailoa's 1-yard touchdown pass to Jonnu Smith gave the Dolphins a 32-26 overtime win over Aaron Rodgers and the Jets. Tagovailoa passed for 331 yards and 2 touchdowns on the day, as Miami improved to 6-7 and kept their playoff hopes alive.
"We hope we can ultimately slip into that No. 7 spot in the AFC," Mike McDaniel said. "I'm a man of faith, so I'm praying that luck is on our side, and if it pans out, I'll pray further, for unseasonably warm weather in the cold weather city that will be the site of our first, and last, playoff game."
Texans win, 27-24.
Indianapolis @ Denver (-3½)
The Colts had a Week 14 bye and trail the 8-5 Texans by two games in the AFC South.
"We'll likely have to win out to have a chance at the playoffs," Shane Stiechen said. "And seeing as our longest winning streak of the year was two games, it's going to be a tall order. But, we did have two two-game winning streaks, which, for the purposes of this argument, is practically a four-game winning streak. Sure, that logic is far-fetched, but then again, so are our playoff hopes.
"Peyton Manning won Super Bowls with both the Colts and the Broncos. That speaks highly of his skills. Peyton had enough talent to spread among two teams, and he has enough forehead to spread among 32 teams."
The Broncos return from their Week 14 bye hoping to solve the defensive issues that allowed 32 points to Jameis Winston and the Browns on December 2nd.
"I've come to respect Winston's special connection with God," Sean Payton said. "Heck, I think I may have even found religion, because seeing Jameis chew up our study defense the other week made me exclaim 'Jesus Christ!'"
Broncos win, 25-16.
Buffalo @ Detroit (-1½)
The Lions beat the Packers 34-31 on Thursday night at Ford Field. Jake Bates' 35-yard field goal as time expired gave Detroit the win after a bold fourth-down decision by Dan Campbell.
"I think in today's NFL," Dan Campbell said, "too much attention is given to analytics. Don't get me wrong, we do have an analytics department. But I don't go by percentages, I go by gut feelings, and I listen to my gut 100% of the time."
The Bills ran into a motivated Rams team and couldn't keep up, losing 44-42, despite 6 total touchdowns from Josh Allen.
"Let me just give a special thanks to James Cook," Sean McDermott said, "for agreeing to take a back seat so we could stuff Josh's stat sheet to ensure he wins the MVP award."
Lions win, 27-21.
Pittsburgh @ Philadelphia (-4½)
The Eagles struggled to find a rhythm and needed a late defensive stop to preserve a 22-16 win over the visiting Panthers. Jalen Hurts had 3 total touchdowns, as Philly won their ninth in a row to move to 11-2.
"We also rushed for 209 yards as a team," Nick Sirianni said, "with Saquon Barkley accounting for 124 of those. If you search 'plowing through gaping holes' on the internet, just make sure you add 'Saquon Barkley' to your search.
"Now, about our passing game. It's not good. It's so bad, A.J. Brown wishes he could go back to Tennessee, and try to catch whatever they call those things Will Levis throws. I would just tell A.J. that if he thinks it's so easy, he should try throwing. To be clear, I mean throwing footballs, and not his quarterback under the bus."
The Steelers avenged their Week 12 loss in Cleveland with a 27-14 win over the Browns at Acrisure Stadium. Russell Wilson passed for 2 touchdowns and the Pittsburgh defense forced 3 turnovers.
"George Pickens missed the game with a hamstring injury," Mike Tomlin said. "If you creatively rearrange the letters in 'hamstring injury,' it also spells 'disciplinary reasons.'"
Eagles win, 24-22.
New England @ Arizona (-6½)
The Patriots enjoyed a Week 12 bye and are 3-10, tied with the Jets for last in the AFC East.
"Bill Belichick is seriously considering accepting the head coaching job at my alma mater, the University of North Carolina," Drake Maye said. "He would be replacing Mack Brown. I think the only hesitation Belichick has about accepting a college job is that he'd be forced to abide by an honor code."
Kyler Murray threw 2 interceptions, and the Cardinals couldn't escape an early hole and lost 30-18 at home to the Seahawks, who seized control of the NFC West.
"Kyler can be one of the most dangerous quarterbacks in the league," Jonathan Gannon said, "to the psyche of a head coach."
Arizona wins, 28-20.
Tampa Bay @ L.A. Chargers (-2½)
Baker Mayfield passed for 3 touchdowns, as the Buccaneers cruised to a 28-13 win over the visiting Raiders. Tampa improved to 7-6 and leads the Falcons by a game in the NFC South.
"Everybody loves playing with Baker," Todd Bowles said. "His teammates love his toughness. If you were in a back alley street fight, you'd want Baker on your side. If you were looking for a reputable financial advisor, Baker would be helpful to you, as well, because he would tell you to avoid his father at all costs. And then Baker would top it all off by throwing an interception."
The Chargers battled back from a scoreless first half and had a late 17-16 lead over the Chiefs. But Patrick Mahomes led a final drive that culminated in the game-winning field goal, giving K.C. a 19-17 win.
"The Chiefs are the current measuring stick in the NFL," Jim Habaugh said. "And I guess their stick is bigger than ours. But I think we'll ultimately be playoff bound, so there's a good chance we may cross swords with the Chiefs in the playoffs."
Chargers win, 28-24.
Green Bay @ Seattle (+3)
The Packers lost 34-31 to the Lions at Ford Field on Thursday night. Josh Jacobs rushed for three touchdowns, but Green Bay couldn't stop Detroit's offense, which accumulated almost 400 yards of offense.
"We just couldn't make any stops," Matt Lafleur said. "The Lions offense, however, made plenty of stops, most of them in our end zone."
The Seahawks outclassed the Cardinals 30-18 at State Farm Stadium and now sit alone atop the NFC West. Zach Charbonnet rushed for 134 yards and 2 touchdowns, and also added 7 receptions for 59 yards.
"Zach had his way with the Arizona defense," Geno Smith said. "That way was forward."
Packers win, 30-24.
Chicago @ Minnesota (-6½)
The Vikings beat the visiting Falcons 42-21 in Kirk Cousins' return to Minnesota. Sam Darnold passed for 5 touchdowns, with 3 going to Jordan Addison and 2 to Justin Jefferson.
"That's what you would call your stars stepping up," Kevin O'Connell said. "And Sam played well, also."
The Bears' first game after the firing of Matt Eberflus ended with a 38-13 loss to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium.
"Despite the loss," Caleb Williams said, "this team has really rallied around interim head coach Thomas Brown. When we found out Eberflus was fired, we all said 'It's about time.' And it was about 'time,' because Eberflus didn't know how to manage time."
Vikings win, 27-17.
Atlanta @ Las Vegas (+4½)
The Falcons lost 42-21 to the Vikings at US Bank Stadium. Former Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins threw 2 interceptions for the Falcons, while Sam Darnold had 5 touchdown passes.
"As homecomings go," Cousins said, "this one probably won't be as bad as the one I had back in Atlanta. Someone joked that they wished the plane flying me back to Atlanta had been 'intercepted' and 'returned' to Minnesota."
The Raiders fell 28-13 to the Buccaneers at Raymond James Stadium.
"We're 2-11," Antonio Pierce said, "and have now lost nine games in a row. That means we were once 2-2. Needless to say, we've been eliminated from playoff contention. And I think I've been eliminated from being-the-head-coach-next-year contention."
Falcons win, 24-21.
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