Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. William Byron — Byron finished fourth at Talladega.
"The Talladega race was called the 'Jack Links 500,'" Byron said. "The Jack Links mascot is Sasquatch. Sasquatch is a very recognizable creature, and could probably win a beauty contest at any NASCAR track infield."
2. Kyle Larson — Larson won Stage 1 in the Jack Links 500 and went on to finish third at Talladega.
"I'm still winless at superspeedways," Larson said. "Superspeedway racing must be a lot like racing at Indianapolis, because I'm winless there, too."
3. Joey Logano — Logano led 24 laps and finished fifth at Talladega.
"I really let my Penske Racing teammate Austin Cindric have it over the radio," Logano said. "I let go with quite a few curse words. At drafting tracks like Talladega, that's called 'dirty air.'"
4. Chase Elliott — Elliott used a fast final pit stop to gain track position and finished ninth at Talladega.
"My No. 9 Hendrick Chevrolet featured Amazon Prime sponsorship," Elliott said. "You may have noticed the bumper sticker on my car that read 'Jeff Bezos is My Co-Pilot.'"
5. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin finished 23rd in the Jack Links 500 at Talladega.
"There wasn't a 'Big One' at Talladega," Hamlin said. "But there was a 'Dumb 1' there. That would be Ross Chastain. He threw a meaningless block on me that didn't help him at all.
6. Bubba Wallace — Wallace finished 10th at Talladega.
"Toyota cars occupied the top six spots at an early point in the race," Wallace said. "That's known as a 'Toyota Train,' and, considering recent events, could also be known as a 'Tariff Train.'"
7. Austin Cindric — Cindric controlled the final laps and held off a contingent of Hendrick Motorsports to win the Jack Links 500 at Talladega.
"My No. 2 Penske Ford was extremely fast," Cindric said. "And I'd like to thank and congratulate the entire Penske organization, Joey Logano excluded."
8. Christopher Bell — Bell was out early at Talladega after he wrecked and slammed the inside wall hard on lap 52. Bell finished 37th.
"I took a push from Denny Hamlin that just didn't go right," Bell said. "But it did go left."
9. Alex Bowman — Bowman finished ninth at Talladega, posting his sixth top-10 of the year.
"There were two cars with sponsors advertising nicotine pouches," Bowman said. "It doesn't matter the era, but it seems the goal of advertising in NASCAR is to find a way to convince fans/viewers/consumers to put nicotine in their body. And I think it's an easy sell."
10. Ross Chastain — Chastain came home 22nd at Talladega.
"I had Jockey on my car as the primary sponsor," Chastain said. "That was good, especially on Sunday, because at Talladega, it's good to have a clean pair of underwear somewhere, even if it's just on your car."
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