Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Dallas @ Philadelphia (-7)
After an offseason of inactivity that would make a reclusive hoarder jealous, the Cowboys are once again on track to not win the Super Bowl for the 29th straight season.
"I just revealed that I beat cancer," Jerry Jones said. "I'm very proud, because it's the only thing of significance that a Cowboy has beaten in ages.
"I mean this with no irony at all, as I say it as I look into a mirror, while Micah Parsons stabs needles into the voodoo doll version of me, but there should be nothing holding this team back from winning a Super Bowl."
The Super Bowl champion Eagles are the favorites in the NFC East, and Philly returns 10 starters on an offense that averaged over 27 points per game in 2024.
"I love our offense," Nick Sirianni said. "And I love our defense. Everybody knows it takes 22 players to make a team. And everybody knows it takes more than 22 bitch-ass owners to get the 'Tush Push' banned.
"Now, I'm sure Jerry Jones was one of the 22 bitch-ass owners that voted to ban it. Good for Jerry, though. It's not often the Cowboys' owner gets to say 'Yay' for anything."
Eagles win, 34-24.
Kansas City @ L.A. Chargers (+2½)
The Chiefs ended the 2024 season on the short end of a lopsided 40-22 loss to the Eagles in Super Bowl LIX. The loss prevented K.C. from becoming the first team to win three consecutive Super Bowls.
"I haven't seen a mismatch like that since the 1971 Punt, Pass, And Kick competition," Andy Reid said. "That's when a 12-year-old me, jacked up on whole milk and fatback, towered over a bunch of malnutritioned kids the same age, and punted, passed, and kicked their scrawny rear ends into oblivion.
"But the Chargers won't go down so easily, I suspect. Not with Jim Harbaugh on their sideline, and whomever he's planted on our sideline."
The Chargers grabbed a wild card berth in 2024, and although it ended abruptly with a 32-12 loss to the Texans, expectations are high in 2025 for Jim Harbaugh and his minions.
"I'm planning on unleashing Justin Herbert this season," Harbaugh said. "Not many people know this, not even Justin, but I call him the 'Stealth Farter,' because he's 'silent but deadly.'
"This game is being played in Sao Paulo, Brazil. As such, and because I like being eccentric just for the sake of being eccentric, I'll be having my taint waxed before the game. If anyone has a problem with me doing that, then they, and their unruly taint, can go straight to hell. This is Brazil, after all, so I'm emphasizing the 'FU' in 'futbol.'"
Chiefs win, 27-24.
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (+1½)
The Buccaneers are the clear favorites in the NFC South, but that's not saying much considering the Saints, Panthers, and Falcons are the competition.
"A lot of people are saying nine wins will be good enough to win the NFC South," Baker Mayfield said. "Those people are idiots. Clearly, nine wins will be bad enough to win the division."
It's Michael Penix time in Atlanta, as the Falcons turned the page on Kirk Cousins late last season.
"We call Penix our 'X-Factor,'" Raheem Morris said. "It's a good thing we don't call him our 'S-Factor.'
"And speaking of useful appendages, Kirk Cousins' right arm is clearly not one. Kirk's time as a starter was up and down, but mostly down. That's why his tenure as starter will forever be known as 'Flaccid Reign.'"
Falcons win, 27-24.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland (+5½)
The Bengals just missed the playoffs in 2024, hampered by a slow start and a defense that couldn't whip cream with an outboard motor. Defense will again be an issue, but the Cincy offense will again have the firepower to score on anyone.
"I think there's no doubt that we can score 40 points a game," Joe Burrow said, "and still lose.
"Our offense is loaded with playmakers that can take any play to the house. There could be games in which we literally don't punt the ball. And our defense will make sure our opponents do the same."
The Browns are coming off a disastrous 3-14 2024 campaign that tied for the worst in the league. But there is hope on the horizon. That is, if you have X-ray vision and can see through Cleveland's shaky quarterback situation.
"We freed ourselves from Deshaun Watson," Kevin Stefanski said, "in all ways, except financially. But we have a clever team of accountants, and we have no problem asking them to vigorously and shamelessly massage our books.
"That being said, it looks like Joe Flacco will begin the season as our starter. And Shedeur Sanders will be our third-string QB, which totally validates his new nickname, 'Peon Sanders.'"
Browns win, 31-30.
Miami @ Indianapolis (+1)
The Colts are looking to challenge the Texans for AFC South supremacy, and Indy signed former Giant Daniel Jones to help with the cause.
"When I named Daniel the starter in mid-August," Shane Steichen said, "it was with a total lack of conviction. Kind of like when the Colts hired me as head coach.
"If you could take the best of Daniel Jones, and the best of Anthony Richardson, and combine them, you'd have a quarterback that could run for 4 yards on a play or pass for 4 yards on a play, and do little else."
Miami finished the 2024 season with an 8-9 record, on the outside of the playoffs looking in. The offensive pieces are in place, with Tua Tagovailoa, Devon Achane, Tyreek Hill, and Jaylen Waddle all returning, for Miami to make a playoff run.
"I know my job is likely on the line this season," Mike McDaniel said. "It seems that the Dolphins' front office may be growing tired of the schtick of a four-eyed, diminutive, offensive-minded, capri pants-wearing nerd who shows way too much leg.
"But I know in order to save my job, Tyreek will have to have an electrifying year. He may be the fastest player in the NFL, while at the same time being one of the 'slowest.' What kind of idiot challenges the world's fastest man to a race? If Tyreek really wants to showcase his speed, the best way he can show that is when he runs from his problems."
Colts win, 24-21.
Carolina @ Jacksonville (-2½)
After Doug Pederson was ditched in January, the Jaguars named Buccaneers offensive coordinator Liam Coen head coach later that month. Then, Jacksonville selected two-way star Travis Hunter with the second pick in April's draft.
"We think Travis is talented enough to have a Hall of Fame career," Liam Coen said. "I don't think there's any doubt his jersey will be retired. Update: we just retired his jersey.
"With a healthy Trevor Lawrence, I feel like this team can go places, most likely away games."
The Panthers finished 5-12 last season, but Bryce Young bounced back from an early season five-game benching to finish strong.
"Bryce showed a lot of maturity last season," Dave Canales said. "Not only did he accept his benching with grace and dignity, he also showed flashes of competence when he returned."
Jaguars win, 24-22.
Las Vegas @ New England (-3)
The Mike Vrabel era begins in earnest in New England, where the former Patriots legend takes over as head coach for a team that went 4-13 last season.
"We have the building blocks for a great future," Vrabel said. "Drake Maye is a superstar in the making. Sure, he's raw and he's only 23, but I think my mentor Bill Belichick would say Drake is 'old enough.'"
One thing's for sure about the Raiders: What happened in Vegas last year did not stay in Vegas. Antonio Pierce was fired as head coach and replaced by 73-year-old Pete Carroll, who can't even remember the last time he dated a 24-year-old. Tagging along with Carroll is former Seahawks quarterback Geno Smith.
"I'm giving Geno the green light," Carroll said, "to flash the double middle fingers whenever, and at whomever, he likes.
"We've got an amazing rookie running back in Ashton Jeanty. And I see no reason not to give him the ball in any situation, unless the Super Bowl is on the line with 26 seconds left and the ball is on the one-yard line."
Patriots win, 27-21.
Arizona @ New Orleans (+6)
A 2-5 record down the stretch in 2024 cost the Cardinals in the hunt for the playoffs, but Jonathan Gannon's unit is primed for a different outcome in 2025.
"I'm definitely under pressure to win and win now," Jonathan Gannon said. "I am feeling the heat, but to be fair, it is a dry heat.
"But with Kyler Murray leading us at quarterback, anything is possible. Except winning the Super Bowl, or winning the NFC championship, or winning the NFC West. All other outcomes are possible."
Derek Carr finally hung up his cleats in May, and probably injured himself doing so, and the Saints are set to go with second-year quarterback Spencer Rattler to lead the team.
"Spencer is the shit," Kellen Moore said. "That could mean two different things, but I'll let you decide the meaning. Here's a little context to help: Spencer barely beat out a rookie quarterback for the job. I'm often called a 'quarterback whisperer,' but in this case, I feel compelled to say the quiet part out loud: 'Our quarterbacks suck.'
"A lot of so-called 'experts' are predicting that we'll be the worst team in the NFL this season. I predict that those so-called 'experts' will have the 'so-called' removed when it is determined they were correct."
Cardinals win, 24-13.
Pittsburgh @ NY Jets (+3)
Russell Wilson left Pittsburgh for the Giants, and the Steelers did the most logical thing by signing 41-year-old absurdity sympathizer Aaron Rodgers to run the offense.
"There's a method to our madness," Mike Tomlin said. "We believe Aaron still has a lot in his tank. He's got a right arm untainted by any vaccinations, a brain uneaten by worms, and a mindset untethered to reality.
"Aaron's spirit and mentality has really rubbed off on me. Already, Aaron has me believing that we're a Super Bowl contender, which is by far the craziest conspiracy theory he's ever proliferated."
Justin Fields replaces the departing Aaron Rodgers as the Jets' signal caller, and Fields' running ability gives head coach Aaron Glenn and the Jets' offense a dimension that Rodgers could not.
"Justin can do a lot of things that Aaron can't," Glenn said. "More importantly, he chooses not to do a lot of things that Aaron does."
Jets win, 19-17.
NY Giants @ Washington (-6)
The Giants jettisoned Daniel Jones and acquired Russell Wilson in the offseason. On defense, New York drafted Penn State's edge rusher Abdul Carter, who will join an already strong defensive unit.
"A lot of people say the Giants franchise is a lot like a balding, chubby, fifty-something year-old white male," Brian Daboll said. "As in, their best years are well behind them.
"And we added Jameis Winston for insurance, just in case the unexpected happens, and we need more unexpected things to happen."
The Commanders advanced to the NFC championship game last year, where they were vanquished by the Eagles.
"It was a magical season for this franchise," Dan Quinn said. "Jayden Daniels led us to the franchise's first conference title game since 1992. The next step: winning a Super Bowl. There's no question that we can win it with Jayden. I guess the real question is this: which happens first? A Super Bowl win, or a franchise name change back to the Redskins?"
Commanders win, 27-23.
Tennessee @ Denver (-7½)
Rookie Bo Nix led the Broncos to the playoffs last season, and Sean Payton expects the team to take the next step, and contend for the AFC's top spot.
"I don't think Bo will fall victim to the 'sophomore slump,'" Payton said. "Bo was a sophomore about three times in college, so he should know what to expect in that respect."
With the No. 1 pick in last year's draft, the Titans selected University Of Miami quarterback Cam Ward.
"Cam is from 'The U','" Brian Callahan said. "No offense to Cam, but that's not that big of a deal anymore. I hear the University of Miami is now called 'The U Who?'"
Broncos win, 30-17.
San Francisco @ Seattle (+2½)
Injuries derailed the 49ers 2024 campaign, which ended in a 6-11 record, leaving them last in the NFC West.
"The NFL came to their senses where smelling salts were concerned," Kyle Shanahan said. "For a while there, George Kittle was furiously searching for something to sniff to get amped to play. For my money, underwear from a Japanese vending machine is the way to go."
The Seahawks traded Geno Smith to the Raiders, and the Seahawks later signed Sam Darnold to a three-year deal to pilot the Seattle offense.
"We don't want Sam to be anyone other than himself," Mike MacDonald said. "Actually, I misspoke. We want Sam to be anyone but himself."
49ers win, 24-17.
Detroit @ Green Bay (-2½)
The Commanders shocked the Lions in the divisional round, ending Detroit's hope of reaching a second consecutive NFC championship game.
"That loss certainly left a bad taste in our mouths," Dan Campbell said. "I'll refrain from following that comment with a Flint, Michigan joke.
"But we'll continue to play with the same attitude that my team always has. If we need to bite kneecaps, we will, and if 'biting kneecaps' becomes a category on PornHub, so be it."
The eventual Super Bowl champion Eagles made quick work of the Packers in last year's wild card round, with Jordan Love throwing three costly interceptions in the 22-10 loss.
"Let's not overreact here," Matt Lafleur said. "A Green Bay quarterback melting down in the playoffs is not that unusual. Of course, we'd love for Jordan to follow in the footsteps of former legendary Packers QB's by winning the Super Bowl, and not by committing a series of fraudulent financial crimes, or being a serial conspiratorial dipshit.
"Now, thanks to the generosity and general stupidity of Jerry Jones, we now have Micah Parsons anchoring our defense. I figure if Brett Favre can steal from the poor, we can steal from the rich.
"Of course, who knows what adding Parsons will mean for us. Nothing is certain in this world, except death, taxes, and a Christian Watson limp by Week 4."
Packers win, 30-27.
Houston @ L.A. Rams (-5)
The Rams let Cooper Kupp go in the offseason and picked up Davante Adams, who will team with Puka Nucua to give Matthew Stafford and the Rams a dynamic wide receiver corps. Stafford battled back issues all preseason, but is ready to go versus the Texans.
"Matthew still has the arm of a 25-year old," Sean McVay said, "and the back of that 25-year-old's grandfather. Matthew's back is so jacked up, he's now officially classified as an invertebrate."
C.J. Stroud was sacked an AFC-worst 52 times last season, and DeMeco Ryans knows successful protection will be a critical component if the Texans have any hopes of going all the way.
"We're in the state of Texas," Ryans said, "so C.J. may be the only gun shy person in the state."
Rams win, 27-25.
Baltimore @ Buffalo (-1)
The Bills KO'd the Ravens in last year's divisional round, only to be vanquished by the Chiefs in the AFC title game. Jim Harbaugh and the Ravens are looking for a bit of revenge, and more importantly, an early upper hand in the AFC hierarchy.
"I know it's the season opener," Harbaugh said, "but this game will have a playoff atmosphere. And with the Chiefs a good thousand miles away, one of these teams should be able to handle that atmosphere and come away with the win."
Reigning NFL MVP Josh Allen again leads the Bills in their long-running quest to achieve the NFL's ultimate glory.
"This city deserves a Super Bowl champion," Allen said, "and a team that can give them one. We're building a new stadium that will be ready in 2026. So we're not relocating; maybe our fans should."
Ravens win, 29-27.
Minnesota @ Chicago (+2)
The Bears hired former Lions offensive coordinator Ben Johnson to replace Matt Eberflus.
"Eberflus is now the defensive coordinator for the Cowboys," Johnson said. "It's yet another job in which Matt will have no idea what's going on on offense.
"Caleb Williams has really worked on his accuracy. Early in camp, I had him doing a specific drill, and in just a few weeks, amazingly, he was at 100% accuracy. That drill was throwing footballs into Lake Michigan."
The Vikings are counting on second-year quarterback J.J. McCarthy to lead Minnesota's 2025 charge.
"I'm handing J.J. the keys to our offense," Kevin O'Connell said. "The same thing happened when he was at Michigan, when Jim Harbaugh handed him the keys to an offense, as well as a brand new car."
Bears win, 26-24.
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