Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Washington @ Green Bay (-3½)
The Commanders rushed for 220 yards as a team in a dominating 21-6 win over the visiting Giants. Deebo Samuel's 19-yard rushing score midway through the fourth quarter sealed the win for Washington.
"What a job by our offensive line," Dan Quinn said. "They might not be called the 'Hogs," but they are still fat and sloppy.
"And speaking of 'disgusting swine,' Daniel Snyder has nothing to do with this team."
The Packers defense shut down the Lions in Green Bay's 27-13 win at Lambeau Field. Dallas reject Micah Parsons had 1 sack and 1 tackle for a loss in limited action.
"You could feel Micah's impact immediately," Matt Lafleur said. "Like on Thursday night when the Eagles rushed for 158 yards and 3 touchdowns against the Cowboys.
"Micah thought he'd be a Cowboy for life. Even though he had to get out of Big D, they'll never be able to take the Big D out of him."
Packers win, 26-17.
Cleveland @ Baltimore (-11½)
The Ravens watched a 40-25 fourth quarter lead vanish in an eventual 41-40 loss to the Bills in Buffalo. Buffalo scored 16 unanswered points after Baltimore had dominated up until that point.
"Our new kicker Tyler Loop missed an extra point," John Harbaugh said, "and I tried to blame the loss on him, but he vehemently denied those allegations like you'd expect a Ravens kicker to do.
"Tyler replaced a legend, Justin Tucker, who is the most accurate kicker in NFL history. But, if you look up the stories about his issues with massage therapists, well, it's 'not good.'"
The Browns had their chances, but 2 costly Joe Flacco interceptions, and 2 missed field goals by Andre Szmyt, helped the visiting Bengals slink away with a 17-16 win.
"Joe pretty much gift wrapped that win for the Bengals," Kevin Stefanski said. "And Andre pretty much put a bow on top. I'm so angry at Andre, I can't even say his last name. Mostly because I don't know how to pronounce it. If I had to give Andre some advice, I would first say 'Hit your field goals.' Secondly, I would say, 'Buy yourself a vowel,' you 'pc f sht.'"
Ravens win, 29-20.
Jacksonville @ Cincinnati (-3)
The Bengals survived in Cleveland to post a 17-16 win over the Browns. Cincy's defense sacked Joe Flacco twice and intercepted him twice, and the Bengals left with their first season-opening win since 2021.
"Great job by our defense," Zac Taylor said. "To be fair, Joe Flacco is a corpse, albeit slower and with less brain function. As the kids might say, 'I'm deadass not joking.'"
The home-standing Jaguars overwhelmed Bryce Young and the Panthers in a 26-10 Jacksonville win. The Jags controlled the game on the ground, with Travis Etienne piling up 143 yards rushing.
"I can't stress the importance of a strong running game," Liam Coen said, "especially when Trevor Lawrence is your quarterback."
Bengals win, 30-24.
NY Giants @ Dallas (-6)
The Giants offense sputtered in a 21-6 loss to the Commanders at Northwest Field. Russell Wilson completed only 17-of-37 passes for 168 yards and no touchdowns.
"Russell's best days are behind him," Brian Daboll said. "That's a quote someone said five years ago.
"But I'm sticking with Russell to take on the Cowboys. That was a really tough decision to make, but nowhere near as tough as having to inform Malik Nabers of that decision."
The Cowboys lost 24-20 to the Eagles on Thursday night at Lincoln Financial Field.
"If you would have told me before the game," Dak Prescott said, "that I would have been subject to some Philadelphian's bodily fluid, then I would have been thrilled to death that it ultimately was just some spit from Jalen Carter. It could have been so, so, so, so much worse.
"We could have easily won that game. Victory was at our fingertips. If you ask CeeDee Lamb, he'd say victory was in our hands, several times."
Cowboys win, 27-24.
Chicago @ Detroit (-5½)
The Vikings beat the Bears 27-24 on Monday night at Soldier Field in Ben Johnson's debut as Chicago head coach. Caleb Williams was sharp early, but struggled later against the Vikings' attacking defense.
"It's going to take Caleb and I a few games to get on the same page," Johnson said. "That means I have to go back 250 pages, and Caleb forward 250 pages, to actually be on the same page."
The Lions were no match for the Packers in a lopsided 27-13 loss at Lambeau Field. Detroit managed just 46 yards rushing, and their only touchdown was a meaningless Jared Goff TD pass with 55 seconds left.
"We just couldn't establish the run," Dan Campbell said. "We had 22 rushes for just a lowly 46 yards. That's 2.1 yards a pop. In my eyes, that's just slightly better forward progress than Dan Orlovski running out the back of the end zone.
"It will be good to see my former offensive coordinator. We're going to welcome Ben back to Detroit with open arms, and maybe an offer to take his old job back."
Lions win, 24-22.
New England @ Miami (-1)
The Raiders upset the Patriots 20-13 at Gillette Stadium as Geno Smith torched the New England defense for 362 yards and a touchdown.
"It was a pretty disappointing week for me," Mike Vrabel said. "I found out I'm not welcome at the University of North Carolina's football facilities. I guess I have more in common with Jordon Hudson than I thought.
"We matchup well with the Dolphins, and I matchup well with Mike McDaniel. I'm twice the man McDaniel is. That's no disrespect to Mike; I'm just saying he only weighs about a buck twenty, soaking wet, holding all the Lombardi Trophies he's won."
The Dolphins were lethargic in a 30-8 loss to the Colts in Indianapolis. Tua Tagovailoa had 3 turnovers and was sacked 3 times.
"Sure," Mike McDaniel said, "Tua struggled, but he is in no danger of losing his job, because Zach Wilson is his backup."
Patriots win, 23-20.
San Francisco @ New Orleans (+4½)
Brock Purdy's 4-yard touchdown pass to Jake Tonges with 1:34 left in the game gave the 49ers a 17-13 win over the Seahawks at Qwest Field.
"It was a great win," Kyle Shanahan said, "but it didn't come without great cost. George Kittle is on injured reserve with a hamstring injury, Brock Purdy is out with toe and shoulder soreness, and Jauan Jennings injured his left shoulder. When Christian McCaffrey is a picture of health, you know you're suffering from the injury bug."
The Saints fell 20-13 to the visiting Cardinals.
"I'm pleased with my team's effort," Kellen Moore said. "That's coach speak for 'Why on earth did I accept this job?'"
49ers win, 26-17.
Buffalo @ NY Jets (+6½)
Josh Allen and the Bills engineered a fourth-quarter flurry to erase a 15-point deficit and stun the visiting Ravens 41-40 on Sunday night. Allen had 424 total yards and 4 total touchdowns.
"It was a great win for us," Sean McDermott said. "But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. We're just one game in. There are already people putting us in the Super Bowl. That's ludicrous. And, some of those very people who have us in the Super Bowl are saying we'll lose it. Now, that makes a lot more sense."
Bills win, 28-24.Seattle @ Pittsburgh (-3)
Aaron Rodgers passed for 4 touchdowns, and Chris Boswell drilled a 60-yard field goal late in the fourth, as Pittsburgh beat the Jets, 34-32.
"Aaron was dynamic," Mike Tomlin said. "I hesitate to say it, but Aaron really gave this team a shot in the arm.
"Aaron joins a long line of legendary Steelers quarterbacks. And I think his appearance here begs the question: who would you rather be stuck in a bathroom with? Aaron or Ben Roethlisberger? I guess there is no right answer. Only wrong answers."
The Seahawks defense shines, and Rodgers comes crashing back down to the earth that he calls flat, but the Pittsburgh defense outshines them, and sacks Darnold 4 times.
Steelers win, 21-19.
L.A. Rams @ Tennessee (+5½)
The Rams and brittle-backed quarterback Matthew Stafford beat the Texans 14-9 at SoFi Stadium.Stafford passed for 245 yards and one touchdown. Stafford also became only the 10th quarterback to eclipse 60,000 yards passing.
"60,000 is a pretty significant number for Matthew," Sean McVay said. "It also represents the number of pieces his back is in."
The Titans hung tough in Denver before ultimately falling 20-12 to the Broncos. Rookie quarterback Cam Ward struggled in his debut against Denver's stifling defense, but did enough to keep the Titans in the game.
"Cam showed a lot of poise in the face of adversity," Brian Callahan said. "Last year, the 'face of adversity' for this team was Will Levis.'"
Rams win, 22-13.
Carolina @ Arizona (-6½)
Bryce Young struggled mightily in Jacksonville in the Panthers' 26-10 loss to the Jaguars. Young completed just 18-of-35 passes for 154 yards, with 2 interceptions and a lost fumble.
"If Bryce continues to regress," Dave Canales said, "he might have to 'egress' on outta here.
"My job is to get Bryce comfortable and confident. If I'm successful, Bryce will be as well, and we're hoping Bryce will be able to fill up the right side of the stat sheet."
Cardinals win, 27-24.
Denver @ Indianapolis (+2)
The Broncos defense cleaned up for a messy offense and led Denver to a 20-12 win over the visiting Titans. The Denver defense sacked Cam Ward 6 times and forced 2 Titans turnovers.
"There was one quarterback in the game that played like a rookie," Sean Payton said. "The other quarterback was Cam Ward."
Broncos win, 23-16.
Philadelphia @ Kansas City (+1)
Jalen Hurts rushed for two scores to lead the Eagles to a narrow 24-20 win over the visiting Cowboys in the NFL's season opener on Thursday night.
"Just to clear up a common misconception that has arisen in light of recent events," Hurts said. "The owner of the Eagles is Jeffrey Lurie, not Jeffrey Loogie.
"Jalen Carter has expressed remorse for his actions, and in true Philly fashion, it is very insincere. I'm sure Jalen is looking at the Chiefs shaky offensive line and salivating. And that's bad news for anyone standing in front of him."
Chiefs win, 31-28.
Atlanta @ Minnesota (-4½)
Younghoe Koo's 44-yard field goal attempt late in the fourth quarter sailed wide right, preserving the Bucs 23-20 win over the Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium.
"Normally," Raheem Morris said, "Younghoe has ice in his veins. Now, there is a certain segment of Falcons fans who are unhappy, and have threatened Younghoe with ICE in his home."
After a shaky start, J.J. McCarthy passed for 2 fourth-quarter scores and ran for another as the Vikings stormed back to beat the Bears on Monday night in Chicago.
"For a while there," Kevin O'Connell said, "I was seeing ghosts — of Sam Darnold in the playoffs."
Vikings win, 30-23.
Tampa Bay @ Houston (-2½)
The Buccaneers got 3 Baker Mayfield TD passes, 2 to rookie wideout Emeka Egbuka, in a 23-20 NFC South road win over the Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium.
"Emeka is a product of the Ohio State wide receiver factory," Mayfield said. "OSU wide receivers are more prevalent in the NFL than undiagnosed cases of CTE."
The Texans came out on the short end of a 14-9 defensive struggle against the Rams at SoFi Stadium.
"It was indeed a defensive struggle," DeMeco Ryans said. "Our defense did struggle, not to lose their freaking minds watching our offense."
Texans win, 23-20.
L.A. Chargers @ Las Vegas (+3½)
The Chargers beat the Chiefs 27-21 on Friday night in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Justin Herbert led the way, with 318 yards through the air and 3 touchdowns.
"Justin doesn't talk a big game," Jim Harbaugh said. "In fact, he barely talks at all. We're lucky if we can get Justin to say something audible, much less call an audible.
"Pete Carroll has over 50 years of football coaching experience. He is the oldest fart in the NFL, and therefore has the oldest farts in the NFL. I'll have to be at my best to outcoach him. So I'm gonna have to strap on my thinking cap. I call mine my 'Jimmy Hat.'"
The Raiders beat the Patriots 20-13 in Pete Carroll's debut as Las Vegas head coach. Geno Smith, who the Raiders acquired via a trade with the Seahawks in March, passed for 362 yards and a touchdown.
"I knew I wanted Geno to come with me to Vegas," Carroll said. "The cool thing is, I didn't have to buy his parents a house to get him here."
Chargers win, 29-27.
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