Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Miami @ Buffalo (-13)
The Dolphins lost 33-27 at home to the Patriots and fell to 0-2.
"Recently," Mike McDaniel said, "our players had a players only meeting. I foresee a coaches only meeting in the future, and me not being in it.
"We have no interest in trading Tyreek Hill. The other 31 teams in the league have even less interest in acquiring him."
The Bills manhandled the Jets 30-10 at MetLife Stadium to improve to 2-0. Buffalo did damage on the ground, rushing for 224 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"I had to leave the game briefly with a bloody nose," Josh Allen said. "I was out for two plays, which meant Mitch Tribisky was in for two plays, which is about half of what he needs to lose the game for us.
"I think it's safe to say we're the best team in the AFC. And I think it's safe to say Bills fans are sick and tired of hearing that."
Bills win, 31-23.
Atlanta @ Carolina (+5½)
The Panthers' late comeback came up short, and Carolina left Arizona with a 27-22 loss and an 0-2 record.
"Bryce Young looked terrible early," Dave Canales said. "He looked as bad as Cam Newton. Not Cam Newton the quarterback, mind you, but Cam Newton the wanna-be fashion icon. If dressing like a steam-punked preacher version of the Quaker Oats man is iconic, then Cam is an icon."
The Falcons dominated in a 22-6 road win over the Vikings on Sunday night. The Atlanta defense sacked J.J. McCarthy 6 times and forced 4 turnovers.
"I asked Kirk Cousins his opinion of beating his former team in their building," Raheem Morris said. "He answered with a question to me. I replied that, 'Yes, I do like that.'
"I think we're in a good position to win the NFC South. Winning the South is a big deal, for any team looking to get a highly undeserved playoff home game."
Falcons win, 24-16.
Green Bay @ Cleveland (+8)
The Packers beat the visiting Commanders 27-18 on Thursday night at Lambeau Field. Jordan Love passed for 292 yards and 2 touchdowns, and the Packers defense held Jaylen Daniels in check until 2 fourth-quarter TDs.
"We played a great all-around game," Matt Lefleur said. "And nothing excites me more than complimenting my team. That is, except, listening to Jerry Jones try to justify trading Micah Parsons. And it's made even more satisfying in a dumb Arkansas accent."
The Ravens overpowered the Browns 41-17 as Joe Flacco struggled against the Baltimore defense.
"For now," Kevin Stefanski said, "Joe is still our quarterback. When I feel differently, I'll tap Joe on the shoulder and say 'It's time,' and depending on my mood, I might be wearing a Grim Reaper costume when I do it. I think Joe would see the humor in that."
Packers win, 26-14.
Houston @ Jacksonville (-1½)
The Texans offense struggled at home against the Buccaneers, and Tampa scored a late touchdown to steal a 20-19 win.
"C.J. Stroud seems to be hesitant in the pocket," DeMeco Ryans said. "I've got a feeling this franchise will be 'hesitant in the pocket' when it comes to resigning C.J. It's not often you wish your quarterback would play like a rookie. I do that a lot now."
The Jaguars racked up 400 yards of offense, but couldn't put away the Bengals and backup quarterback Jake Browning, who led Cincy to a 31-27 win.
"I made a questionable fourth down decision late in the game," Liam Coen said. "But like any stubborn, hardheaded head coach who believes he should never be questioned, I stand by my decision, although the current analytics and data suggest I was 100% wrong, as does common sense analysis."
Texans win, 22-20.
Cincinnati @ Minnesota (-2½)
Jake Browning, in for the injured Joe Burrow, completed the Bengals; comeback with a 1-yard quarterback sneak to give Cincy a 31-27 win.
"Joe's got a left toe injury," Zac Taylor said. "But we're 2-0, so ironically, we got the season started off on the right foot.
"Not surprisingly, our odds to make the playoffs have plummeted, while Joe's odds to win the 2026 Comeback Player of the Year have skyrocketed."
The visiting Falcons humbled the Vikings 22-6 on Sunday night, as J.J. McCarthy was roughed up by the Atlanta defense. McCarthy was later ruled out for 2-4 weeks with a high ankle sprain suffered in the game.
"The Falcons' defense really put J.J. to the test," Kevin O'Connell said. "Since J.J. recently became a father, I guess that test was a paternity test, because they kept asking him 'Who's your daddy?'"
Vikings win, 24-21.
Pittsburgh @ New England (+1½)
The Patriots bounced back from their Week 1 loss to the Raiders with a 33-27 win over the Dolphins in Miami. Drake Maye had 3 total touchdowns, and Antonio Gibson's 90-yard kickoff return gave the Pats the lead they wouldn't relinquish.
"We played so much better than we did in our opener versus the Raiders," Mike Vrabel said. "I looked at that game film, and I took the advice of Robert Kraft and had it all deleted.
"This should be an interesting matchup with the Steelers. I never thought I'd hear someone say the words 'Aaron Rodgers is a Steeler.' I also never thought I'd hear Rob Gronkowski say the words 'Goodbye dingleberries.'"
The visiting Seahawks roughed up Aaron Rodgers and the Steelers in a 31-17 Seattle win at Heinz Field. Rodgers was sacked 3 times and was intercepted twice.
"Aaron looked his age out there," Mike Tomlin said. "His age looked his quarterback rating. Aaron may be immune to a lot of things, but criticism is not one."
Patriots win, 27-25.
L.A. Rams @ Philadelphia (-3½)
The Eagles used a late interception to secure a 20-17 over the Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium. Philly grinded out 122 yards on the ground, with Jalen Hurts and Saquon Barkley scoring rush TDs.
"We did our spitting in a figurative, not literal sense," Nick Sirianni said. "And anyone from Philly knows you can't spell 'Phlegm' without the 'Ph.'"
The Rams dominated in the second half to take a 33-19 win over the Titans in Nashville. Matthew Stafford passed for 298 yards and 2 touchdowns, as Los Angeles improved to 2-0.
"I tore my plantar fascia at some point in the game," Sean McVay said. "Considering Puka Nacua had to have his head stapled back together in our first game, and Matthew will likely be making his Hall of Fame acceptance speech from a wheelchair, I feel like a pansy even mentioning my ailment."
Rams avenge last year's divisional round loss to the Eagles with a 30-28 win.
NY Jets @ Tampa Bay (-6½)
The Bills dominated the Jets in a 30-10 Buffalo win at MetLife Stadium. Justin Fields struggled for the majority of the game before leaving the game in the fourth quarter with a concussion.
"On the bright side," Aaron Glenn said, "Justin will likely be unable to remember his performance.
"You can't have a Jets/Bucs contest without mentioning Keyshawn Johnson. So here goes. Keyshawn had 814 receptions in his NFL career. Interestingly enough, 814 was also the number of copies that his book, 'Just Give Me the Damn Ball,' sold."
Rashaad White's 2-yard touchdown run with six seconds left gave the visiting Bucs a dramatic 20-19 win over the Texans at NRG Stadium. Tampa is 2-0 and leads the NFC South.
"Baker Mayfield is the toughest quarterback in the NFL," Todd Bowles said. "As you saw, he's not afraid to sacrifice his body. Baker always gives 100%, and also give 0% F's."
Bucs win, 29-15.
Indianapolis @ Tennessee (+3½)
Spencer Shrader's 45-yard field goal as time expired gave the Colts a 29-28 home win over the Broncos. The winning kick came after Denver was flagged for a 15-yard penalty on Schrader's 60-yard attempt, which came up short.
"On a team in which Daniel Jones has resurrected his heretofore uneventful career," Shane Steichen said, "we're calling Spencer's second kick the 'Reboot.'"
Titans win, 20-17.
Las Vegas @ Washington (-3½)
The Raiders wasted a solid defensive effort in a 20-9 loss to the visiting Chargers on Monday night.
"Maxx Crosby is the anchor of our defense," Pete Carroll said. "He would have fit right in with the Raiders of the 1980s. Like nearly that entire roster, Maxx is a 'Coke fiend,' but in his case, it's just because he refuses to consume Pepsi products for some reason."
Commanders win, 24-15.
Denver @ L.A. Chargers (-2½)
The Broncos lost 29-28 to the Colts, and a Denver penalty gave Indy a second chance at the game-winning field goal after missing the first.
"We were called for a 'leverage' penalty on that missed field goal," Sean Payton said. "I'm very familiar with the word leverage. When you're accused of organizing a bounty program, and the NFL has sworn testimony that you, in fact, did, that's leverage. And it costs way more than 15 yards."
The Chargers whipped the Raiders 20-9 on Monday night at Allegiant Stadium, spurred by a defense that logged 3 sacks and 3 interceptions against Geno Smith.
"There's excitement in the air at SoFi Stadium," Jim Harbaugh said, "and not surprisingly, it smells like wildfire. Or, that could just be the flavor of choice for thousands of vaping millennials."
Chargers win, 23-20.
New Orleans @ Seattle (-7½)
The Seahawks put away the Steelers with a dominant fourth quarter, and Seattle left Pittsburgh with a 31-17 win to snatch their first win of the season.
"Sam Darnold has really settled in and is comfortable with his place here," Mike MacDonald said. "I'm pretty sure we don't have to worry about Sam seeing ghosts, but I've been alarmed at how many times he's claimed he's seen Bigfoot."
Seattle wins, 26-21.
Dallas @ Chicago (-1½)
The Cowboys pulled out a wild 40-37 overtime win over the Giants at AT&T Stadium. Brandon Aubrey kicked a 64-yard field goal as regulation expired, then booted a 46-yarder as time expired in overtime for the win.
"Jerry Jones has said he wants to live long enough to see another Cowboys Super Bowl," Dak Prescott said. "If that means Jerry will kick the bucket after the Cowboys win it, then one of Jerry's dreams will come true, because everybody will be pulling for Dallas to win it all."
The Bears fell to 0-2 after a 52-21 blowout loss to the Lions in Detroit as Chicago head coach Ben Johnson faced his former team.
"You know it's been a long time since the Cowboys won a Super Bowl," Johnson said, "when one of the best players on that last Super Bowl-winning team is now a spokesman for Depends adult diapers."
Dallas wins, 34-30.
Arizona @ San Francisco (-1½)
The Cardinals built a 27-3 lead and held out to beat the Panthers 27-22 in Charlotte as Arizona remained undefeated.
"I don't think any of us are surprised that we're 2-0," Jonathan Gannon said, "just as none of us are surprised the two teams we've beaten are a combined 0-4."
The 49ers hung on to beat the Saints 26-21 in New Orleans. Mac Jones, starting for the injured Brock Purdy, passed for 279 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"I call Mac the 'Super Sub,'" Kyle Shanahan said, "which means he's either great in relief for a starter, or he plays well below par, depending on the day."
49ers win, 23-16.
Kansas City @ NY Giants (+6)
Russell Wilson passed for 450 yards and 3 touchdowns, but his interception in overtime helped the Cowboys pull out a 40-37 win.
"I don't know who's better at taking the top off of the Dallas defense," Brian Daboll said. "Russell, or Jerry Jones.
"He may not be our starter yet, but Jaxson Dart is learning a lot in our quarterback room. He's got Russell filling one ear with motivational mumbo jumbo, while in the other ear, Jameis Winston is speaking in tongues."
The Chiefs lost 20-17 at home to the Eagles in a rematch of Super Bowl 59.
"Patrick's been our leading rusher in both our losses this season," Andy Reid said. "That's just not sustainable. If it comes down to it, I'll tell Patrick the same thing I tell our running back group: 'You can't run the ball.'
"Other than Patrick, we have no one on offense that opposing defenses would fear, unless those opposing defenses are on the same highway with Rashee Rice."
Chiefs win, 29-19.
Detroit @ Baltimore (-5)
The Lions smashed the Bears 52-21 at Ford Field as Detroit piled up over 500 yards of total offense against former Detroit OC Ben Johnson.
"Maybe we did run up the score a bit," Dan Campbell said. "But like I always say, 'If you don't like it, you should have never left it."
The Ravens walloped the Browns 41-17 in Cleveland as former Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco faced his old team. Lamar Jackson passed for 4 second-half touchdowns as Baltimore blew open a fairly close game.
"Joe did some great things for the Ravens franchise," John Harbaugh said. "But as you can see when he runs, he's lost a step. Actually, he never had a step. Joe may be slow, but he's still faster than Jared Goff."
Baltimore wins, 37-28.
Leave a Comment