Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Seattle @ Arizona (pick)
The Seahawks crushed the visiting Saints 44-13 at Lumen Field as Seattle built a 38-3 halftime lead and then coasted. Sam Darnold had 2 TD passes, Kenneth Walker rushed for 2 scores, and Tony Horton returned a punt 95 yards for a touchdown.
"We dominated in all phases of the game," Mike MacDonald said, "including those of the Saints.' I'm not even sure if the Saints have phases of the game."
The Cardinals squandered a late lead and lost 16-15 on a last second field goal to the 49ers. Arizona took a 13-12 lead after a safety late in the fourth quarter, but couldn't close the deal and allowed Mac Jones to engineer the crucial late drive.
"That's a game we should have won," Jonathan Gannon said, "if for no other reason than we were playing against a team quarterbacked by Mac Jones. That's not to be confused with a 'McJones,' which my players tell me is when you have a hankering for the Golden Arches."
Seahawks win, 22-17.
Minnesota vs Pittsburgh (+2½)
Aaron Rodgers passed for 2 touchdowns and the Steelers defense surged with 5 turnovers, as Pittsburgh beat the Patriots 21-14 at Gillette Stadium.
"Aaron is now fourth on the NFL's all-time passing touchdowns list," Mike Tomlin said. "He passed Brett Favre for that spot. So they're 4-5 on that list. However, they're a big 1-2 on the 'So Many Touchdowns, So Few Super Bowls' list.
"We're all excited to be playing a game in Ireland. I'm a big fan of Irish whiskey. My goal for the week is to convince Aaron to take a shot."
The Vikings' defense led the way in a 48-10 romp over the visiting Bengals, who were without Joe Burrow. Cornerback Isaiah Rodgers scored 2 defensive touchdowns off Jake Browning turnovers, as the Vikes improved to 2-1.
"Isaiah pulled off the most talked-about 'double' from a Vikings' cornerback," Kevin O'Connell said, "since Fred Smoot."
Hmmmm. Aaron Rodgers, four-time NFL MVP, or Carson Wentz, full-time ginger? Give me Rodgers.
Steelers win, 24-21.
Washington @ Atlanta (+2½)
The Falcons looked terrible in a 30-0 road loss to the Panthers. Michael Penix was ineffective, with 2 interceptions, and was benched for Kirk Cousins with the game out of reach in the fourth quarter.
"Michael certainly didn't have his 'A' game," Raheem Morris said. "Heck, you'd have to go at least halfway down the alphabet, maybe further, to find the game that Michael did have."
With Jayden Daniels out with a bad knee, the Commanders leaned on their rushing game to turn back the visiting Raiders 41-24, Washington racked up 201 yards on the ground with 3 rushing scores.
"I got my nose bloodied when Marcus Mariota collided with me on the sideline," Dan Quinn said. "This could mean one of two things: 1) I need to be more careful on the sidelines, or 2) Daniel Snyder and his most-punchable face should be allowed back on our sideline."
Falcons win, 24-21.
New Orleans @ Buffalo (-17)
Josh Allen passed for 3 touchdowns, and the Bills intercepted Tua Tagovailoa late to secure a 31-21 win over the Dolphins on Thursday night. Buffalo is 3-0, two games up on the 1-2 Patriots, and 3 up on the winless Jets and Dolphins.
"If you wait long enough," Sean McDermott said, "Tua's ball will land right in your hands. You have to be patient though, because he throws the ball really slowly."
The Saints fell to 0-3 after a 44-13 drubbing at the hands of the Seahawks at Lumen Field.
"Sure," Kellen Moore said, "we're 0-3, and I know our fans may be embarrassed by our record. We probably deserve ridicule. So, I'm not telling our fans they can't show up to a game with paper sacks on their heads. By all means, wear your paper sack; just walk into traffic when you do. Better yet, use a plastic bag, and secure it tightly around your neck."
Bills win, 33-13.
Cleveland @ Detroit (-8½)
The Browns stunned the visiting Packers 13-10, buoyed by an aggressive defense that held Green Bay to just 230 yards of total offense. Cleveland blocked Brandon McManus' 43-yard potential game-winning field goal attempt with 27 seconds left, then Andre Szmyt's 55-yard field goal as time expired won it for the Browns.
"Say what you want about our terrible offense," Kevin Stefanski said, "but the bottom line is this: when they need to gain 16 yards to put us in position for a miraculous 55-yard game-winning field goal, I have faith that they can do it one out of 10 times.
"Honestly, I still don't know how to pronounce our kicker's name. I assume there are some letters in his name that are silent. Heck, I'm just going to assume they're all silent and just call him 'Andre.'"
Jahmyr Gibbs and David Montgomery combined for 218 yards and 4 touchdowns on the ground, and the Lions' defense sacked Lamar Jackson 7 times, as Detroit beat the Ravens 38-30 on Monday night.
"Our defensive coordinator Kelvin Sheppard put together a remarkable game plan," Dan Campbell. "And I think that will get him a lot of attention for a head coaching job in the future. Heck, Kelvin replaced Aaron Glenn, currently the head coach of the Jets. Considering how the Jets are doing this year, Kelvin might end up replacing him again."
Lions win, 27-17.
Tennessee @ Houston (-7)
The Texans fell to a lowly 0-3 after a dismal 17-10 loss to the Jaguars in Jacksonville. Three turnovers sealed Houston's fate, and the Texans are already 3 games behind the 3-0 Colts in the AFC North.
"I'm not quite sure where C.J. Stroud would rank among the greatest quarterbacks in Texans' franchise history," DeMeco Ryans said. "Because there aren't any."
The Colts blasted the home-standing Titans 41-20 in Nashville, as Tennessee remained winless.
"Fans are already calling for me to be replaced," head coach Brian Callahan said. "And I'm afraid my players may follow suit. But I'm counteracting that by collecting jock straps from every player. That way, I can tell myself I have the 'support' of the locker room."
Houston wins, 24-10.
Carolina @ New England (-5½)
Five turnovers doomed the Patriots in a 21-14 home loss to the Steelers, who forced 4 fumbles, 2 by Rhamondre Stevenson and 1 by Antonio Gibson.
"Honestly," Mike Vrabel said, "I think glue might be the only answer. As in, I'm going to glue these guys to the bench.
"In related news, Stefon Diggs and Cardi B are expecting a child. Congratulations to those two. I'm told Cardi B made a song to commemorate the occasion. It's called 'WAP,' and I'm pretty sure it stands for 'We Are Parents.'"
The Panthers demolished the visiting Falcons 30-0, buoyed by a defense that forced three turnovers and returned an interception for a touchdown. Carolina is 1-2, two games behind the 3-0 Bucs in the NFC South.
"Our defense made Michael Penix very uncomfortable," Dave Canales said. "Mainly be teasing him about how close his last name is to 'penis.' But also by making him look like a quarterback who's totally unable to function. Kind of like Bryce Young 7-8 games a season."
Patriots win, 27-20.
L.A. Chargers @ NY Giants (+6)
Cameron Dicker's 43-yard field goal as time expired gave the Chargers a hard-fought 23-20 win over the Broncos at SoFi Stadium. Los Angeles is 3-0, comfortably atop the AFC West.
"They call him 'Dicker the Kicker,'" Jim Harbaugh said. "I bet it took someone all of 15 seconds to come up with that one, which is also how long it took the NCAA to determine that I was a cheater. Don't let the past tense of 'was' fool you, I'm still a cheater."
The Giants offense continued to be anemic with Russell Wilson at quarterback as the Chiefs slapped Brian Daboll and the G-Men with a 22-9 loss at MetLife Stadium on Monday night. Wilson passed for only 160 yards.
"I'm benching Russell," Daboll said. "And Jaxson Dart will be the starter for the rest of the year. That's great news for Malik Nabers, because Jameis Winston is now just one injury away from starting."
Giants win, 27-26.
Philadelphia @ Tampa Bay (+3½)
Jalen Hurts had 4 total touchdowns, and the Eagles erased a 19-point second half deficit, punctuated by Jordan Davis 61-yard TD return of the Rams potential game-winning field goal, to beat Los Angeles 33-26.
"I'm speechless," Nick Sirianni said, "which are two words that Rams linebacker Jared Verse has never said. "
"I'm super happy we got A.J. Brown involved in the offense. Had we not, I believe I still would have involved A.J. ... in trade talks, at his request."
Eagles win, 30-27.
Indianapolis @ L.A. Rams (-3½)
The Colts remained undefeated with an easy 41-20 win over the Titans in Nashville. Jonathan Taylor rushed for 3 touchdowns and Indy is 3-0 for the first time since 2009, when the Colts advanced to the AFC championship game.
"All Daniel Jones needed was a change of scenery," Shane Steichen said, "and a change of team, change of coach, and the same goofy haircut."
The Rams blew a 26-7 third quarter lead and collapsed down the stretch, losing 33-26 to the Eagles in Philadelphia. The Rams had two fourth-quarter field goals blocked, the last of which would have given L.A. the win had it been successful.
"All the news in Los Angeles is not about the Rams," Sean McVay said, "or the Chargers. It's about Kawhi Leonard getting paid $28 million to do nothing. That's comparable to what Jones made to do the same thing for the Giants."
Rams win, 28-21.
Jacksonville @ San Francisco (-3)
The 49ers handed the visiting Cardinals their first loss of the season, as San Fran won 16-15, with Eddie Pineiro's 35-yard field goal as time expired giving San Fran the win.
"I guess you could say we were lucky," Kyle Shanahan said. "Lucky that Jake Moody is no longer our kicker."
The Jaguars used a late red zone takeaway to beat the visiting Texans 17-10. Jacksonville is 2-1, one game behind the 3-0 Colts in the AFC South.
"Brian Thomas, Jr. came up with some big plays," Liam Cohen said, "this time for us instead of the opposing team."
49ers win, 23-17.
Baltimore @ Kansas City (+2½)
The Chiefs picked up their first win of the year with a 22-9 win over the Giants at MetLife Stadium on Sunday night. Patrick Mahomes had a touchdown pass, and the Chiefs defense picked off Russell Wilson twice.
"I guess the bigger story," Mahomes said, "was the sideline argument between Travis Kelce and Andy Reid. "I thought they might come to blows, which I guess would mean they would have made up really quickly."
The visiting Lions rocked the Ravens 38-30 on Monday night, as Baltimore couldn't keep pace with the Detroit offense. The Ravens are 1-2, tied with the Browns for last in the AFC North.
"It's alarming that our defense has given up 96 points," John Harbaugh said. "That's the second-most points against in the entire league. But that's not even the most alarming part. What's most alarming is that 96 is 5 less than the Bengals' defense has surrendered."
Ravens win, 29-26.
Chicago @ Las Vegas (even)
The Bears stomped the visiting Cowboys 31-14 at Soldier Field. Caleb Williams torched the Dallas secondary, passing for 298 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"Caleb just has to remember that not every defense is like the Dallas defense," Ben Johnson said. "But some are equally as bad, like ours."
Raiders win, 33-31.
Green Bay @ Dallas (+3½)
The Packers blew a 10-0 fourth quarter-lead and lost 13-10 to the Browns in the Dawg Pound.
"I think my players listened way too intently to everyone saying they were the NFL's best team," Matt Lafleur said. "And they ate it right up. But I gave them my own earful after the game, and it was things they didn't want to hear. It's quite the dichotomy for my players to hear the most profane and obscene words coming from a mouth surrounded by such a beautifully manicured mustache and beard.
"This will be a homecoming of sorts for Micah Parsons. I'm sure Micah will see Jerry Jones up in his luxury box and give him a polite wave, or at least one-fifth of one."
Caleb Williams toasted the Dallas defense for 4 touchdowns, as the Bears won 31-14 at Soldier Field. To compound the Cowboys' issues, CeeDee Lamb sprained his ankle and is expected to miss 3-4 weeks.
"So, our current best player is missing the game against our former best player," Brian Schottenheimer said. "But I think this team will be all right. Our guys are resilient, and we have an owner that always says the right thing."
Packers win, 29-24.
NY Jets @ Miami (-3)
The visiting Dolphins hung tough on Thursday night in Buffalo, but Tua Tagovailoa's late interception clinched a 31-21 Bills win. Miami is 0-3, tied with the Jets for last in the AFC East.
"Tua's arm strikes fear into no one," Mike McDaniel, "which would also be the case if I rolled up to a local Miami middle school. Which I do often to be around people my own size."
The Jets trailed the Bucs 23-6 in the third quarter, but a furious New York rally gave them a 27-26 lead. But Chase McLaughlin's 36-yard field goal as time expired gave Tampa a 29-27 win.
"This is a game between two 0-3 teams," Aaron Glenn said. "So something's got to give. But it probably won't be people giving a shit about this game."
Jets win, 24-23.
Cincinnati @ Denver (-7)
The Bengals were no match for the home-standing Vikings, and Jake Browning struggled big time in Cincinnati's 48-10 loss. Cincy had 5 turnovers, two of which were returned for touchdowns by Vikings' cornerback Isaiah Rodgers.
"I certainly wish Jake could be more like Joe Burrow," Zac Taylor said. "As in injured."
The Broncos fell to 1-2 after a tough 23-20 loss to the Chargers at SoFi Stadium.
"I'm embarrassed to be associated with this team," Sean Payton said. "Don't get me wrong, I've been on the other side of this. No, I don't mean I've been a player on a team whose coach was embarrassed. I've been a coach whose league was embarrassed to be associated with."
The Broncos defense shows up, as usual, but so does Cincy's.
Denver wins, 19-17.
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