Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
San Francisco @ L.A. Rams (-7½)
The 49ers lost their first game of the year, falling 26-21 to the visiting Jaguars, who forced 4 San Fran turnovers, 3 by Brock Purdy.
"Our play in this game leads me to believe that there are a lot of questions that need to be answered," Kyle Shanahan said. "The first and most important being, 'How on earth are we 3-1?'
"Brock Purdy injured his toe again, and no amount of smelling salts will heal him, despite what George Kittle says. There's a fine line between a tight end who uses smelling salts and a tight end who uses bath salts. George is the first, and looks like he could be the second."
Matthew Stafford's 88-yard touchdown pass to TuTu Atwell with 1:33 left in the fourth quarter gave the Rams a 27-20 win over Daniel Jones and the visiting Colts. On the day, Stafford had 375 yards passing and 3 touchdowns.
"Matthew is awesome," Sean McVay said. "He is as equally as good at quarterbacking as I am at talking him out of retirement.
"SoFi Stadium is going to be rocking. By 'rocking,' I mean the chairs of the Rams supporters who like to display their fandom as leisurely as possible."
Rams win, 29-24.
Minnesota vs. Cleveland (+3½)
The Vikings lost 24-21 to the Steelers in Dublin, Ireland. Carson Wentz passed for 350 yards and 2 touchdowns, but had 2 interceptions and was sacked 6 times.
"We simply asked Carson to do too much," Kevin O'Connell said. "Technically, we didn't ask him, but our own lack of a running game told him he had to."
The Browns lost 34-10 to the Lions at Ford Field. Joe Flacco was ineffective, completing only 16-of-34 passes, with 2 interceptions and a fumble.
"Considering his age, Joe is doing okay. Joe is 40-years-old. He's literally old enough to be the father of some of his teammates. But there's no way he's their father, because they don't look anything like him, and they can run the 40-yard dash in under six seconds.
"Hey, at least Joe doesn't have to worry about fatigue from the flight from Cleveland to London. Joe can't get jet lag because he already has a permanent case of it."
Vikings win, 18-13.
Houston @ Baltimore (-3½)
The depleted Ravens' defense couldn't stop the Chiefs defense in a lopsided 37-20 loss in Kansas City. Baltimore fell to 1-3 as injuries continued to pile up, including a hamstring injury for Lamar Jackson.
"Our injury list is growing fast," John Harbaugh said. "We've got players dropping like flies, who have just smelled Tony Siragussa's arm pits.
"I think it's way too early for us to hit the so-called panic button. Even if we did, we play in a division which includes the Browns, the Bengals, and the Steelers, a triumvirate known to us as the 'anti-panic button.' Mark my words, we will win the AFC North. And mark my words, a 6-11 record might just do it."
The Texans won for the first time this season with a dominating 26-0 win over the visiting Titans at NRG Field. Houston held the Titans to just 175 yards of total offense, and C.J. Stroud passed for 2 touchdowns.
"I know a terrible offense when I see one," DeMeco Ryans said. "I saw two of them in that game."
Texans win, 22-20.
Miami @ Carolina (+1½)
The Dolphins beat the 27-21 on Monday night to the Jets at MetLife Stadium to collect their first win of the season. The win was bittersweet, as Tyreek Hill was lost for the season after suffering a dislocated left knee.
"I have no doubt Tyreek will come back stronger and faster in 2026," Mike McDaniel said. "And also happier, because I won't be here to see it."
The Patriots demolished the visiting Panthers, 42-13. Carolina quarterback Bryce Young struggled and was replaced by Andy Dalton in the fourth quarter.
"Bryce may be better off as a backup," Dave Canales said. "Actually, he might be better off dressing like the cross between a clown and a funeral director while challenging Stephen A. Smith on television to a dumb take contest. I guess what I'm saying is Bryce would probably make a better armchair quarterback than quarterback."
Panthers win, 24-21.
Las Vegas @ Indianapolis (-7)
Daniel Carlson's potential game-winning 54-yard field goal was blocked, and the Bears escaped Las Vegas with a 25-24 win. The loss wasted a huge game from rookie Ashton Jeanty, who had 155 total yards and 3 touchdowns.
"That was a tough loss to take," Pete Carroll said. "And I've seen a lot of tough losses in my years. I don't want to say 'I'm getting too old for this 'S,' because that's not true. The truth is, 'I've been too old for this 'S.'"
The Colts lost for the first time, suffering a 27-20 defeat to the Rams at SoFi Stadium. Indy gave up an 88-yard TD pass from Matthew Stafford to Tutu Atwell with 1:33 left in the fourth with the score tied.
"That was a massive defensive breakdown," Shane Steichen said. "We only had 10 players on the field at the time. Sean McVay looked at that and said 'I'll do you one better."
Colts win, 30-20.
NY Giants @ New Orleans (+1)
The Saints gamely battled the Bills in Buffalo, but couldn't keep up with the Bills firepower and lost 31-19.
"I can't fault my team's effort," Kellen Moore said. "Ironically, it appears the teams that beat us do so effortlessly.
"If you would have told me before the season that Week 5 would feature a Jaxson Dart/Spencer Rattler showdown, I would have preemptively apologized for my part in it."
In his first start for the Giants, rookie Jaxson Dart led New York to a 21-18 upset of the visiting Chargers. Dart had one passing touchdown and a rushing score to lead the G-Men to their first win of the year.
"I think we put Jackson in a great position to win," Brian Daboll said, "despite my presence. 'I just wish I would have made the change earlier' is what I said after the game, and it's also a phrase that the Giants' front office will say once I'm ultimately fired."
Saints win, 23-16.
Dallas @ NY Jets (+2)
The Cowboys and Packers battled to a 40-40 tie on Sunday night as Micah Parsons made his return to Dallas. Dak Prescott led the Dallas charge, with 319 yards passing and 4 total touchdowns.
"I can't tell you how much I appreciate Dak," Jerry Jones said, "for taking the focus off of Micah Parsons, and putting it back on me. Honestly though, I think it's way too early to say which team got the better end of this trade. Right now, it's a toss up, because both defenses, the one Micah is a part of and the one he's not, gave up 40 points."
Dallas wins, 34-31.
Denver @ Philadelphia (-4)
The Eagles slugged the Buccaneers 31-25 in balmy Tampa to improve to 4-0. Philly was outgained 376 to 200 by Tampa, but the Eagles defense made timely stops and turnovers to preserve the win.
"We did what we needed to do," Nick Sirianni said, "to make this win look as unimpressive as possible. Here's a fun fact: we didn't complete a single pass in the second half.
"And that brings me to A.J. Brown. Let me be clear: A.J. wants to remain an Eagle. He just wishes Jalen Hurts wasn't one."
The Broncos stymied the Bengals 28-3 on Monday night. Bo Nix passed for 326 yards and 2 TDs, as Denver evened their record to 2-2.
"Philadelphia is a city that's dear to me," Sean Payton said. "Not only is it the home of the United States Constitution, but more importantly, the NFL bounty originated here. And I think Philly fans can appreciate the importance of bounties, because they've probably had at least one on their head at some point in their lives, probably by a relative."
Eagles win, 23-20.
Tennessee @ Arizona (-9)
The Cardinals' late comeback push came up short, and Arizona fell to 2-2 after losing 23-20 to the visiting Seahawks.
"We got off to a terribly slow start," Jonathan Gannon said. "In the first half, Kyler Murray and Marvin Harrison, Jr. played like they had never met, were blindfolded, and had money on the Seahawks."
The Titans fell to 0-4 after a 26-0 loss to the Texans. Cam Ward struggled, and later was critical of himself and his teammates.
"Cam is going through the typical growing pains you'd expect from a rookie quarterback," Brian Calahan said. "And they're intensified by my incompetence."
Cardinals win, 17-13.
Tampa Bay @ Seattle (-3)
The Bucs lost 31-25 to the visiting Eagles at Raymond James Stadium. Tampa outgained Philly but squandered several opportunities late in the game.
"We're gonna play football in the image of Baker Mayfield," Todd Bowles said. "And Baker is a gunslinger. 'Gunslinger' means he has a 2:1 touchdown-to-interception ratio."
Jason Myers' 52-yard field goal as time expired gave the Seahawks a 23-20 division win over the Cardinals at State Farm Stadium on Thursday night.
"That calls for a jingle featuring the words 'MacDonald' and 'farm,'" Mike MacDonald said. "E-I-E-I-O.
"Former Seahawk legend Shaun Alexander and his wife are expecting their 14th child. I guess you could say his wife's gap integrity is totally shot. I've seen smaller blue medical tents."
Seattle wins 27-24.
Detroit @ Cincinnati (+9)
The Bengals offense looked hopeless in a 28-3 loss to the Broncos in Denver on Monday night. Jake Browning completed only 14-of-25 passes for 125 on no touchdowns.
"I know a lot of our players on offense are frustrated," Zac Taylor said. "And many are saying we need to trade for a better quarterback, and many are saying that I should be part of the deal.
"Jake has been put in a tough position. I don't know if there's a backup quarterback in this league who can fill Joe Burrow's shoes. Or should I say, fill Joe's shoe and walking boot."
The Lions handled the visiting Browns 34-10 at Ford Field. Detroit dominated on offense and defense, and Kalif Raymond returned a punt 65 yards for a touchdown.
"After losing to Green Bay in our opener," Dan Campbell said, "we've really been playing proper Lions' football. And that means biting kneecaps, and asking ourselves later 'Why are our mouths even near our opponents' kneecaps?'"
Lions win, 34-20.
Washington @ L.A. Chargers (-5)
The Commanders fell 34-27 to the Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Washington gave up 335 yards of offense to an Atlanta team that was shutout by the Panthers in Week 3.
"When you put it that way," Dan Quinn said, "it sounds much worse."
The Chargers lost 21-18 to the Giants at MetLife Stadium.
"We lost offensive lineman Joe Alt for the season. Joe played left tackle and protected Justin's back side. I protected my backside by leaving the new head coach at Michigan to deal with my sanctions while I bolted for the NFL.
"I believe Jaxson Dart really has a future in this league. So does Brian Daboll, probably under the title 'unpaid intern.'"
Commanders win, 26-24.
New England @ Buffalo (-9)
The Patriots beat the visiting Panthers 42-13, led by Drake Maye, who passed for 2 touchdowns and rushed for another.
"I'm thrilled that Drake is a Patriot," Mike Vrabel said. "When you take the Patriots tradition and combine it with the promise of youth, you get a quarterback on the rise, or a really crappy UNC team."
Bills win, 27-24.
Kansas City @ Jacksonville (+4)
The Chiefs played their best game of the season, hammering the visiting Ravens 37-20. Patrick Mahomes passed for 4 scores, as Kansas City evened their record to 2-2.
"Xavier Worthy returned to the lineup," Andy Reid said, "and that really helped open up our offense. Patrick has a cannon for an arm; up until this point, he's been working with an offense fit for a BB gun."
The Jaguars' defense forced 4 San Francisco turnovers, and Jacksonville walked away with a 26-21 road victory over the 49ers.
"Our win may have been overshadowed by my post-game confrontation with Robert Saleh," Liam Coen said. "Was it as stupid as Jim Schwartz getting angry because John Harbaugh patted him on the back? Probably not."
Chiefs win, 24-22.
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