Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati (+5½)
The Steelers sacked Dillon Gabriel 6 times, and Aaron Rodgers passed for 2 touchdowns, as Pittsburgh defeated the Browns 23-9 at Acrisure Stadium. The Steelers are 4-1, in first place in the AFC North.
"I think we played like a team on a mission," Mike Tomlin said. "That mission is to ultimately finish 9-8, sneak into the playoffs, and immediately be eliminated in the wild card round.
"I think it's interesting that Zac Taylor spells his last name with no 'K.' I think most Bengals' fans would rather he had no job as opposed to no 'K.'"
The Bengals hung tough at Lambeau Field in a 27-18 loss to the Packers. In his first game with the Bengals after being traded from the Browns, Joe Flacco passed for 2 touchdowns.
"For all of his new teammates who had questions about Joe's ability," Zac Taylor said, "he answered them. He also answered their many other questions, like 'What was life like before cell phones?' And 'What was it like to grow up in the 1980s?' And, 'How many grandchildren do you have?'
"This will be Aaron Rodgers' first trip to Cincinnati as a Steeler. When you think of the words 'Aaaron Rodgers in the jungle,' what comes to mind is a trip he likely took with esteemed Secretary of Health and Human Service Robert F. Kennedy, Jr."
Chris Boswell kicks 4 field goals, and the Steelers win, 19-16.L.A. Rams vs. Jacksonville (+3)
The Rams beat the undermanned Ravens 17-3 at M&T Bank Stadium. The Los Angeles defense held Cooper Rush and Tyler Huntley to a combined 117 yards passing.
"Those two quarterbacks don't strike fear into anyone," Sean McVay said, "except the Ravens' offensive coordinator. Matthew Stafford is pretty skilled at throwing the no-look pass; a no-look pass in Baltimore is one in which the coaching staff can't bear to watch.
"You know the QB situation in Baltimore is pretty bad when Huntley enters the game and it's an upgrade."
The Seattle defense stifled the Jacksonville running game, and sacked Trevor Lawrence six times, in a 20-12 win over the Jags at EverBank Stadium. It was the Jags' second loss of the season, and they are 4-2, in first place in the AFC South.
"As a head coach," Liam Coen said, "it's hard not to dwell on a loss. I'm certainly not going to dwell on it in Urban Meyer fashion, which would be to go to my own restaurant and be filmed tripping the light fantastic with a young lady half my age. However, celebrating a win like that sounds pretty awesome."
Jags win, 22-20.
New Orleans @ Chicago (-4)
The Saints lost 25-19 to the visiting Patriots and dropped to 1-5 on the season, last in the NFC South.
"We're a better team than our record indicates," Kellen Moore said. "Our record indicates we are a terrible team; we are in fact a really, really bad team."
Jake Moody's 38-yard field goal as time expired gave the visiting Bears a 25-24 win over the Commanders.
"Ben Johnson really gave us a great game plan," Williams said. "As he always does. I think it's safe to say I love BJs. Let me complete that sentence: I love B.J.'s game plans."
Bears win, 23-20.
Miami @ Cleveland (+1½)
Tua Tagovailoa threw 3 interceptions, and Cameron Dicker's 33-yard field goal with five seconds left saddled the Dolphins with a 29-27 home loss to the Chargers. Miami is 1-5, third in the AFC East.
"There are a lot of people offering to buy me a one-way plane ticket out of Miami," Mike McDaniel said. "I appreciate the generosity, but I don't even need a ticket; I'm so small, you could fit me in a medium-sized piece of luggage. Ask anyone in this organization, they'll tell you I put the 'baggage' in 'baggage claim.'
"Tua called out some teammates for their attendance issues in players-only team meetings. I'll let the players sort that out, in another players-only meeting. Side note: we lead the NFL, by a wide margin, in players-only meetings."
Cleveland's offense struggled to find the end zone in a 23-9 loss to the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Rookie quarterback Dillon Gabriel, making his first start, was sacked six times.
"In replacing Joe Flacco," Kevin Stefanski said, "Dillon had big shoes to fill. If you're gonna fill Joe's shoes, first you need to remove the cement."
Browns win, 24-20.
New England @ Tennessee (+7)
Drake Maye passed for 3 touchdowns in the Patriots' 25-19 win over the Saints in the Superdome. New England is 4-2, just a game behind the Bills in the AFC East.
"Drake is clearly the second-best quarterback in the AFC East," Mike Vrabel said. "Considering the QBs at three and four, that's not saying much.
"It will be great to return to Nashville and play the Titans, and reaffirm why I'm glad I'm no longer there."
Rookie quarterback Cam Ward had 3 turnovers and was sacked 6 times in the Titans' 20-10 loss to the Raiders in Las Vegas. On Monday, head coach Brian Callahan was fired.
"That really came as a shock to all of us," Ward said, "that it didn't happen two weeks sooner."
Patriots win, 27-13.
Las Vegas @ Kansas City (-12½)
The Raiders harassed Cam Ward with 6 sacks and intercepted him 3 times, as Las Vegas turned back the visiting Titans, 20-10. Ashton Jeanty rushed for 75 yards and a score, and Geno Smith tossed 1 TD pass.
"Geno may struggle at times," Pete Carroll said, "but he gives us the best chance to win each week. He also gives us a better chance to lose each week."
The Chiefs' offense was clicking on all cylinders in a 30-17 win over the visiting Lions on Sunday night. Patrick Mahomes passed for 3 TDs and added a rushing score.
"I wouldn't say we're clicking on all cylinders," Andy Reid said. "We're clicking on one, and that one is Patrick's."
Chiefs win, 26-13.
Philadelphia @ Minnesota (+1)
The Eagles flopped in a 34-17 loss to the Giants at MetLife Stadium on Thursday night. Philly rushed for only 73 yards as they suffered their second straight loss.
"Our rushing game is really lacking," Nick Sirianni said. "Saquon is averaging only 3.4 yards per carry, and his longest run is only 18 yards. It seems that Saquon's rushing output matches the charisma he displays in TV ads. As in none."
The Vikings had a Week 6 bye and are 3-2, a half-game behind the division-leading Packers in the NFC North.
"We're back from two games in the United Kingdom," Kevin O'Connell said. "To most people, that would be called a 'European trip.' For former Vike and drug fiend Onterrio Smith, a drug test with his Whizzinator would be called a 'You're a peein' trip.'"
Eagles win, 28-24.
Carolina at NY Jets (+2½)
The Jets did nothing on offense, but their defense kept the game close in a 13-11 loss to the Broncos in London. Justin Fields passed for just 45 yards, and was sacked 9 times for a total loss of 55 yards.
"I have faith in Justin," Aaron Glenn said. "If the Denver game proved anything about him, it's that he can pick himself up off the ground. Unfortunately, it also showed that Justin's passes often end up in the same place that he does."
Ryan Fitzgerald's 33-yard field goal as time expired gave the Panthers a 30-27 win over the visiting Cowboys. Former Cowboy Rico Dowdle had 239 total yards and 2 touchdowns to lead the Panthers to their second straight win. Carolina is 3-3 and undefeated at home.
"Rico really embodied the Panther motto to 'Keep Pounding,'" Bryce Young. "On that note, what did the truck driver say to Mark Sanchez? 'Keep pounding, and I'm going to stab you.'"
Jets win, 23-20.
NY Giants @ Denver (-6½)
The Giants shocked the visiting Eagles 34-17 on Thursday night. Cam Skattebo rushed for 3 touchdowns and Jaxson Dart had a rushing and passing score to lead the G-Men.
"The reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated," Brian Daboll said. "People can knock me over, but I'll just stand up again. That's due in part to my resilience, but mostly due to the fact that I'm pear-shaped.
"Skattebo and Dart have a great future in the NFL, both as players, and case studies subjects for CTE."
The Broncos defense sacked Justin Fields 9 times, and Will Lutz's short field goal late in the fourth quarter gave Denver a 13-11 win over the Jets in London.
"That game featured some of the most unimaginable play calling I've ever seen," Sean Payton said. "And the Jets' play-calling was even worse."
Broncos win, 22-14.
Indianapolis @ L.A. Chargers (-1½)
The Colts had their hands full with the visiting Cardinals, but Indy's defense stopped Arizona in the red zone late in the fourth to seal a 31-27 victory. The Colts are 5-1, one game up on the 4-2 Jaguars in the AFC South.
"Our defense came up big," Shane Steichen said, "eventually."
Justin Herbert and Ladd McConkey came up big late, and Cameron Dicker's 33-yard field goal with five seconds left gave the Chargers a 29-27 win over the Dolphins at Hard Rock Stadium.
"Back in my heyday," Jim Harbaugh said, "as a slow, cerebral quarterback with a pea shooter for an arm, I led the Colts to the AFC championship game in 1995. Thirty years later, here I am, coaching against the Colts. Things have come full circle. A full circle makes a zero. A zero describes how much sense that paragraph made."
Chargers win, 23-20.
Washington @ Dallas (+2)
The Cowboys surrendered 216 yards rushing to the Panthers in a 30-27 loss at Bank of America Stadium.
"We obviously have a problem on defense," Brian Schottenheimer said. "But I can't quite put my finger on it. If I could, I would use my middle finger, then explain with a straight face that I meant to use my index finger.
"Did Jerry Jones get fined $250,000 just for giving Jets fans the middle finger? Or was he fined $125,000 for the middle finger, and $125,000 for blatantly lying about it. No one in history has ever inadvertently flashed a middle finger when they intended to show the index finger. But only a narcissistic billionaire would say that and expect those around him to believe it."
Commanders win, 31-29.
Green Bay @ Arizona (+6½)
Jacoby Brissette, in for the injured Kyler Murray, passed for 320 yards and 2 touchdowns and nearly led the Cardinals to an upset over the Colts in Indy. But Arizona ultimately lost 31-27, their fourth-straight loss, and are now 2-4.
"Jacoby may be the best backup quarterback in the NFL," Jonathan Gannon said. "It makes a lot of sense, because he's better than our starter."
The Packers beat the visiting Bengals and new quarterback Joe Flacco 27-18 at Lambeau Field.
"I know it's early," Matt Lafleur said, "but we felt like that was a must-win game. Because you can't lose twice to Joe Flacco in one season and still take yourself seriously.
"I think Jordan Love is capable of nearly anything, except fraudulently gaming the welfare system to get his daughter a volleyball court. I say he's incapable of that because he doesn't have a daughter, and he's also not a POS."
Packers win, 23-20.
Atlanta @ San Francisco (-2)
The 49ers couldn't stop Baker Mayfield, and the Bucs left Levi's Stadium with a 30-19 win, handing the 49ers just their second loss of the season.
"Injuries continue to pile up for us," Kyle Shanahan said. "We lost Fred Warner for the season due to an ankle injury. And Jauan Jennings let it slip that he was playing with five broken ribs, two ankle sprains, and a shoulder injury. I think that just goes to show that you can't trust anything our medical staff says, or does, or treats, or recommends, or relays to the head coach."
"I have almost nothing but good memories of my time as Falcons head coach. Of course, there were a few bad moments. Like, you could say for every 28 good memories, there were three bad ones."
49ers win, 26-24.
Tampa Bay @ Detroit (-5½)
The Buccaneers beat the visiting 49ers, 30-19, led by Baker Mayfield, who passed for 256 yards and 2 touchdowns. Tampa is 5-1, two games up on the 3-3 Panthers in the NFC South.
"Baker plays with a huge chip on his shoulder," Todd Bowles said. "And just to make sure he's got more reasons to be extra irritable, he plays with sandpaper in his jock strap."
The Lions couldn't stop Patrick Mahomes, and Detroit's offense couldn't keep up in a 30-17 Chiefs win in Kansas City on Sunday night.
"Brian Branch punched JuJu Smith-Schuster after the game," Dan Campbell said. "I can't condone what Brian did, unless it had something to do with JuJu's TikTok dances. Then it was totally justified and deserved."
Lions win, 30-24.
Houston @ Seattle (-3½)
The Texans return from a bye week re-energized from a 2-game win streak after starting the season 0-3.
"They call the fans at Lumen Field the '12's,'" DeMeco Ryans said. "Many people call our offense the same thing, because it's often the number of points we score per game."
The Seahawks beat the Jaguars 20-12 in Jacksonville. Jaxon Smith-Njigba had 8receptions for 162 yards and a touchdown in the win, and leads the NFL in receiving yards.
"JSN is unstoppable," Mike MacDonald said. "Defensive backs across the league have no idea how to stop him. That's why they call him 'Jaxon Smith-Enigma.
"We certainly don't fear the Houston offense. I've seen K-pop bands more threatening than the Texans' offense."
Texans win, 22-19.
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