Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Minnesota @ L.A. Chargers (-3)
The visiting Colts smacked the Chargers 38-24 at SoFi Stadium. The Colts piled up over 400 yards of offense, and the Chargers couldn't overcome a 23-3 halftime deficit.
"We just dug ourselves a hole we couldn't escape from," Jim Harbaugh said. "That's also known as a 'grave.'
"It will be nice to reunite with J.J. McCarthy, who was my quarterback when we won a national championship at Michigan. I was glad he was my quarterback then; I'm glad he's not my quarterback now."
The Vikings lost 28-22 to the visiting Eagles, who were powered by three Jaylen Hurts passing TD's, two to A.J. Brown. Minnesota fell to 3-3, in last place in the NFC North.
"It's pretty bad when you give up 3 TD passes to Jalen Hurts," Kevin O'Connell said. "It's worse when you can only force him to throw four incompletions. And it's even worse when you allow Hurts to have a perfect passer rating against you. And if a current Eagles' quarterback wasn't enough to beat us, a former one solidified the outcome."
Chargers win, 23-21.
Miami @ Atlanta (-7)
The Falcons lost 20-10 on Sunday night to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium. Atlanta gave up 200 scrimmage yards and 2 touchdowns, and Michael Penix struggled against the San Fran pressure.
"Michael may have struggled," Raheem Morris said, "but we don't need him to be a world beater. He just needs to be consistent. Michael really has just one goal, and that's to play well enough so no one can make 'Penix' jokes. Check that. He has two goals. The second is to make sure he's never ever seen not wearing his durag."
The hapless Dolphins were humiliated 31-6 by the Browns in Cleveland. Tua Tagovailoa threw 3 interceptions, and had 3 fumbles, although none were lost. Miami is 1-6.
"I think in both cases," Mike McDaniel said, "the solution is for Tua to hold on to the ball.
"As for my job, it's safe to say I'm skating on thin ice. Luckily for me, thin ice can easily support a small-boned, malnourished, 90-pound man."
Falcons win, 27-24.
NY Jets @ Cincinnati (-6½)
Joe Flacco passed for 342 yards and 3 touchdowns, and engineered a late drive that culminated in Evan McPherson's 36-yard game-winning field goal, in the Bengals 33-31 win over the visiting Steelers on Thursday night.
"Joe's still got it," Zac Taylor said. "I'm not exactly sure what 'it' is, but I am absolutely positive Jake Browning does not have 'it.'
"The AFC North is wide open, and Joe has what it takes to 'dad bod and salt and pepper beard' this team right into the playoffs. Right now, 'Joe Cool' is 'Hot S.'"
The Jets offense was non-existent in a 13-6 loss to the Panthers in Charlotte. Justin Fields was benched in the third quarter in favor of Tyrod Taylor, who threw 2 interceptions.
"That was totally my decision," Aaron Glenn. "And as is the case with nearly all of my decisions, it was the wrong one.
"Jets owner Woody Johnson offered his support for me, while at the same time heavily criticizing Justin. That's not cool. But that's just the NFL for you. When someone tells you, 'Some dumb, entitled white billionaire NFL owner said something really stupid,' you're obligated to reply, 'Can you be more specific?'
"In New Jersey, this team is playing second fiddle to the team in the NFC that we share a stadium with. Third fiddle if you count the Bruce Springsteen movie that is coming out soon."
Bengals win, 27-24.
Cleveland @ New England (-7)
The Browns smashed the visiting Dolphins 31-6 at the Dawg Pound. Cleveland's defense had 4 turnovers and 4 sacks, and Quinshon Judkins had 3 rushing TDs.
"We're going to be just fine without Joe Flacco," Kevin Stefanski said, "especially when we play teams of similar caliber to the Dolphins. Unfortunately for us, there aren't many.
The Patriots started slow but poured it on afterwards in a 31-13 win over the Titans in Nashville. New England is 5-2, atop the AFC East.
"Mike Vrabel has really turned things around here," Drake Maye said, "and he's done it without the interference of his appropriately-aged partner.
"I think the biggest difference in Mike and Bill Belichick is that Mike has the ability to supervise multiple 24-year-olds; Bill can't even handle one."
Patriots win, 20-15.
NY Giants @ Philadelphia (-7)
The Giants squandered a 26-8 fourth quarter lead and lost 33-32 to the Broncos in Denver. Jaxson Dart's one-yard TD plunge with 37 seconds left in the game gave the G-Men a 32-30 lead, but a missed PAT opened the door for Will Lutz's eventual game-winning field goal.
"If you can't rely on a kicker named Jude McAtamney," Brian Daboll said, "who can you rely on? A lot of people would answer 'Not Brian Daboll.' But we waived Jude on Tuesday. It was just the latest casualty in the Brian Daboll 'It's Not Me, It's You' world tour."
The Jalen Hurts-to-A.J. Brown connection finally emerged, leading the Eagles to a 28-23 win over the Vikings at US Bank Stadium. Philly snapped a two-game losing streak, and at 5-2 lead the NFC East.
"Jalen suddenly found his groove," Nick Sirianni said, "as well as the ability to complete passes to two of the best receivers in the league."
Eagles win, 29-24.
Buffalo @ Carolina (+7½)
The Bills return from a Week 7 bye looking to pull themselves out of a slump that has resulted in two straight losses after a 4-0 start.
"Sure," Sean McDermott said, "we've lost two in a row. But that's certainly no reason to panic. For Buffalo, it's when the subject is four-straight losses when the situation becomes really concerning.
"We can't afford to look past the Panthers with a date with the Chiefs coming up in Week 9. We're already sitting on a two-game losing streak; the last thing we need is a four-game losing streak."
The Panthers' defense shut down the Jets' offense in a 13-6 win over the Jets at MetLife Stadium. It was Carolina's third-straight win, and they are 4-3, just a game behind the 5-2 Buccaneers in the NFC South.
"Six points given up is pretty impressive," Dave Canales said. "Until you see that it was the Jets, the 6 points becomes 'six too many.'"
Bills win, 29-19.
Chicago @ Baltimore (-6½)
After missing the last five games with a knee injury, Lamar Jackson returns, hoping to turn around a Ravens' season that has spiraled into a 1-5 start to the season.
"Without Lamar," John Harbaugh said, "our rush game has been lacking. And our 'Cooper Rush game' has been lacking even more."
The Bears beat the Saints 26-14 at Soldier Field. The Bears rushed for 222 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"We just took what the Saints' defense gave us," Ben Johnson said. "Apparently, they weren't giving Caleb Williams anything. Or maybe he just sucks. But give Caleb his due; he did play marginally better than Spencer Rattler."
Ravens win, 30-19.
San Francisco @ Houston (-3½)
The 49ers beat the visiting Falcons 20-10 behind 201 total yards and 2 touchdowns from Christian McCaffrey. San Fran is 5-2, tied with the Rams and Seahawks atop the NFC West.
"When healthy," Kyle Shanahan said, "Christian is the best player in the NFL. Also when healthy, I might tell you he's not.
"It was great to get George Kittle back. George really didn't need smelling salts to get amped for this game, but just to be safe and discreet, he utilized them as suppositories. Now, his farts could wake up a dead man."
The Texans' defense did their part, but once again, their offense couldn't hold up their end of the bargain in a 27-19 loss to the Seahawks in Seattle on Monday night. Houston is 2-4, 3½ games behind the division-leading Colts in the AFC South.
"I'm gonna go out on a limb," DeMeco Ryans said, "and predict that, by the end of the season, Buddy Ryan won't be the only Houston defensive coordinator to punch the team's offensive coordinator."
San Fran wins, 19-17.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans (+8½)
The Saints fell to 1-6 with a 26-14 loss to the Bears in Chicago. Spencer Rattler had 4 turnovers and was sacked 4 times in the loss.
"We facetiously call Spencer the 'Snake,'" Kellen Moore, "not because he's like Raiders' great Kenny Stabler, but because sometimes it seems like he's playing with no arms."
Bucs win, 30-16.
Dallas @ Denver (-3)
Dak Prescott passed for 264 yards and 3 touchdowns, including a 74-yard TD strike to CeeDee Lamb in the first quarter, as the Cowboys beat the visiting Commanders, 44-22.
"I don't know if you saw it," Prescott said, "but Jerry Jones was seen signaling 'touchdown' by inadvertently giving Commanders' fans the middle finger. Call me biased, but it sounds like a legitimate mistake to me."
The Broncos scored all of their 33 points in the fourth quarter to stun the upstart Giants 33-32 in Denver.
"That's what I call a 'furious comeback,'" Sean Payton said. "But only because I was furious we even needed such a comeback."
Broncos win, 27-24.
Tennessee @ Indianapolis (-14)
The Titans started fast, but couldn't maintain the momentum in an eventual 31-13 loss at home to the Patriots.
"I think Cam [Ward] reminds a lot of people of the great Steve McNair," Mike McCoy said. "But only because he's also a quarterback."
Colts win, 27-9.
Green Bay @ Pittsburgh (+3)
Aaron Rodgers passed for 4 touchdowns, but was out-dueled by Joe Flacco as the Bengals took down the Steelers 33-31 on Thursday night. He'll face his former team when the Packers come to Pittsburgh for a Sunday night showdown.
"I am so pumped up for this game you wouldn't believe it," Rodgers said. "What do the kids say? 'Inject it into my veins?' Well, I don't say that, because I don't inject anything into my veins, not even figuratively, because I am that hardheaded."
The Packers pulled out a 27-23 win over the Cardinals in Arizona. Josh Jacobs' 1-yard TD rush with 1:50 left in the game gave Green Bay the win.
"And Micah Parsons had 3 sacks," Matt Lafleur said, "including one that pretty much sealed the game for us. It's like they say, 'Defense wins championships.' They also say, 'It pays to sucker an idiot owner like Jerry Jones with some draft picks he'll eventually F up in exchange for his best player.'
"I know Aaron Rodgers felt like the Packers no longer wanted him. And that may be the only thing he's ever been right about."
Steelers win, 23-22.
Washington @ Kansas City (-13)
Patrick Mahomes passed for 3 touchdowns, two to Rashee Rice, and the Chiefs shut out AFC West rival the Raiders, 31-0.
"It was great to get Rashee back from suspension," Andy Reid said. "And he is just what this offense needed. I think we can all agree it's best to get the ball in his hands as opposed to a steering wheel."
Chiefs win, 31-21.
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