Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Baltimore @ Miami (+7½)
The Ravens beat the visiting Bears 30-16 at M&T Bank Stadium, with Tyler Huntley playing well in place of the injured Lamar Jackson. Derrick Henry added 2 rushing scores, as Baltimore improved to 2-5.
"That was a must-win game for us," John Harbaugh said. "And the first must-win game we've won all season.
"Lamar is good to go for Thursday night's game. Or is he? It seems the commissioner's office has some wildly radical idea that teams should be truthful about their injury situations. Will I be reprimanded by the league again? It's probably. Will I care? It's doubtful."
The Dolphins demolished the Falcons 34-10 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, led by a big day from Tua Tagovailoa, who passed for 205 yards and 4 touchdowns. The victory ended a three-game skid for the Dolphins, who are now 2-6.
"Tua was right on target," Mike McDaniel said. "He overcame one of his worst games ever, as well as conjunctivitis, to toast the Falcons. He went from stink eye to pink eye to bulls eye.
"That win may have saved my job. If you hear the words 'severance package,' please understand it has nothing to do with my job, and everything to do with the fate of John Wayne Bobbitt in 1993."
Ravens win, 33-17.
Chicago @ Cincinnati (+2)
The Bears' 4-game winning streak came to a grinding halt in a 30-16 loss to the Ravens in Baltimore. Chicago is 4-3, in third place in the NFC North.
"We got beat by a second-rate quarterback," Ben Johnson said. "Which is what the Ravens would have said had we won the game."
The Bengals' suspect defense reared its ugly head in a 39-38 loss to the visiting Jets. New York scored 23 fourth-quarter points to overcome a 31-16 deficit, and Cincy's final drive went nowhere.
"This is the kind of loss that gets coaches fired," Zac Taylor said. "Trust me, I know, because I've had 6-8 of those already in my career, yet somehow, I'm still here.
"This loss was no fault of Joe Flacco's. Joe has ice in his veins, and on his joints. And if Bengals' legend Anthony Munoz has anything to say about it, Joe will have Frankincense and Myrrh on his joints also."
Bears win, 30-27.
Minnesota @ Detroit (-8½)
The Vikings' defense couldn't stop any facet of the Chargers' offense, and Justin Herbert and Los Angeles rolled to a 37-10 win on Thursday night. Carson Wentz took a beating at quarterback as Minnesota fell to 3-4, in last place in the NFC North.
"We've been asking Carson to do way too much," Kevin O'Connell said. "Like play with one arm. We had Carson play two games after suffering a dislocated shoulder and a torn labrum. It's already a crime to have Wentz as your starting quarterback. It should be a felony to put him out there in that condition."
The Lions had a Week 8 bye and are 5-2, a half game behind the Packers in the NFC North.
"I guess the hot news is Chauncey Billups getting arrested in the NBA's gambling investigation," Dan Campbell said. "I'd hazard to guess that while he may have never had a kneecap bitten, it sounds like Billup's likely had one busted.
"As for the Vikings, we know we have to stop Justin Jefferson. We have two options: we could double-team him, or we could just let whomever is quarterback for the Vikings throw him the ball. Either way, Justin's not catching that pass."
Lions win, 33-21.
Carolina @ Green Bay (-13)
The Panthers were humbled in a 40-9 shellacking at the hands of the visiting Bills. James Cook rushed for 216 yards and 2 touchdowns, and Andy Dalton was sacked 7 times and had 3 turnovers.
"The 'Red Rifle' may be staring down the barrel of his release," Dave Canales said. "And speaking of people who might lose their jobs, I'm gonna knock on some wood."
Jordan Love passed for 3 touchdowns, two to Tucker Kraft, as the Packers beat Aaron Rodgers and the Steelers 35-25 on Sunday night in Pittsburgh.
"Aaron has a lot of respect for Jordan," Matt Lafleur said. "I would say Aaron considers Jordan like a little brother to him. Then again, Aaron is estranged from his little brother."
Packers win, 34-17.
L.A. Chargers @ Tennessee (+10)
Justin Herbert passed for 3 touchdowns and the Chargers rolled in a 37-10 Thursday night defeat of the Vikings.
"Justin always lets his play do his talking," Jim Harbaugh said. "That's because if he let his talking do the talking, no one would be able to hear him."
The Titans lost 38-14 to the Colts in Indianapolis. Tennessee surrendered over 400 yards to the Colts offense, and Cam Ward and company couldn't keep up.
"I still feel like this team is making great progress," Mike McCoy said, "towards another No. 1 overall pick in the NFL draft.
"It was a difficult week to prepare for the game, what with everybody and their sister asking if any of us have ever placed a bet for Calvin Ridley. I'll respond with a question of my own: hasn't everybody and their sister placed a bet for Calvin Ridley?"
Chargers win, 28-13.
Atlanta @ New England (-5)
With Kirk Cousins in for the injured Michael Penix, the Falcons stunk up the entirety of Mercedes-Benz Stadium in a stunning 34-10 loss to the Dolphins. Miami took away Bijan Robinson and the Atlanta rush attack, and Cousins couldn't pick up the slack.
"I just didn't play well," Cousins said. "Heck, I think we would have been better off with an injured Michael Penix at QB. It's one thing to play like Penix; it's another thing to play like 'dick.'"
Drake Maye continued to impress and passed for 3 touchdowns against a good Browns defense in a 32-13 Patriots win. New England is 6-2, atop the AFC East.
"Drake is drawing comparisons to Tom Brady," Mike Vrabel said. "To be honest, I can see it. Drake is like a bigger, faster, stronger version of Brady, with seven fewer Super Bowls.
"We feel like we can win the Lombardi Trophy. That's the Vince Lombardi Trophy, not to be confused with the Michael Lombardi Trophy, which is awarded to the person who best falsifies and embellishes their resume."
Patriots win, 27-17.
San Francisco @ NY Giants (+2½)
The Houston defense stifled the 49ers' attack, especially Christian McCaffrey, as San Fran fell in Houston 26-15. McCaffrey was held to just 68 total yards, after eclipsing 100 in each of the 49ers' previous seven games.
"Obviously," Kyle Shanahan said, "Christian-ity was under attack. And obviously, the 'H' in 'H-Town' represents 'heathen.' Oddly enough, Christian had a devil of a time getting anywhere."
The Eagles avenged their Week 6 loss to the Giants and whipped the Giants 38-20 in Philadelphia. New York dropped to 2-6 and is last in the NFC East.
"It wouldn't be a Giants' game if I didn't lose my mind over something I perceive as a bad call," Brian Daboll said. "Against Philly, we forced a turnover on the 'Tush Push,' but the officials screwed us. And I went crazy. For someone with no hair, I sure like to flip my wig a lot.
"We lost Cam Skattebo to a dislocated ankle. That's sad, but I'm sure Cam will come back stronger than ever next year. I'm sure he'll attack rehab with the same fervor he attacks tacklers, and he'll probably become the first player to suffer a concussion while rehabbing."
Giants win, 22-21.
Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh (+3)
Jonathan Taylor continued his torrid pace, rolling for 174 total yards and 3 total touchdowns in Indy's 38-14 destruction of the visiting Titans.
"Jonathan has 15 total touchdowns on the year," Shane Steichen said. "He's on pace to score 29 TDs, and also on pace to somehow lose the MVP to a quarterback."
The Steelers started fast ,but couldn't close, eventually losing 35-25 to the visiting Packers on Sunday night.
"Our offense just couldn't keep up with the Packers,'" Mike Tomlin said. "And that makes total sense when you consider that our best player is our kicker Chris Boswell."
Colts win, 26-21.
Denver @ Houston (-1)
Bo Nix passed for 4 touchdowns and the Broncos cruised to a 44-24 win over the visiting Cowboys. Denver is 6-2 and leads the AFC West.
"Dallas' 'Doomsday Defense' is back," Nix said. "And in this version of it, it's doomsday for them.
"We knew we could attack the Dallas defense, from any angle or direction, in any manner we pleased, from the ground, air, or sea, at our leisure. And surprisingly, I think I agree with Jerry Jones, because I don't think it would have mattered in Micah Parsons was a Cowboy."
C.J. Stroud passed for 318 yards and 2 touchdowns to lead the Texans to a 26-15 home win over the visiting 49ers.
"Our defense is giving up just 14.7 points a game," DeMeco Ryans said. "Our offense would say to that 'Wow! That's a lot!'
Texans win, 22-17.
Jacksonville @ Las Vegas (+3)
The Raiders had a Week 8 bye, and used it to regroup after Week 7's 31-0 trouncing by the Chiefs. Las Vegas is 2-5, last in the AFC West.
"After a loss like that," Pete Carroll said, "you have to go back to the drawing board. And that means we just need to simplify things. So, on our drawing board, there's simply a horizontal line and a vertical line. Put them together, and you get an 'L.'"
The Jaguars had a Week 8 bye and return to action at 4-3, well behind the 7-1 Colts in the AFC South.
"In our last game," Liam Coen said, "we got smoked 35-7 by the Rams in London. That was embarrassing, almost as embarrassing as that Adidas commercial with Trevor Lawrence and Travis Hunter. Trevor has the rhythm of a 2x4."
Jaguars win, 27-16.
New Orleans @ L.A. Rams (-12)
The Rams return from a bye week feeling good about a 5-2 start to the season.
"We're really happy with where we're at," Sean McVay. "As in, at home, facing the 1-7 Saints, and rookie quarterback Tyler Shough. I'm told 'Shough' is pronounced 'Shuck.' That makes no sense. I'll pronounce his name however the 'fough' I want to."
The Saints lost 23-3 at home to the Buccaneers, who forced 4 turnovers and recorded 4 sacks. New Orleans is 1-7, in last place in the NFC South.
"I feel terrible for the fans in New Orleans," Kellen Moore said. "And I understand why they might want to bring paper sacks to games, because not only can you place them over your head, you can also vomit in them.
"Spencer Rattler was benched in that game for Tyler Shough. The reverse of that may happen in the Rams' game."
Rams win, 34-11.
Kansas City @ Buffalo (+2)
The Bills demolished the Panthers 40-9 in Charlotte, powered by a gigantic game from James Cook. Cook rushed for 216 yards and 2 touchdowns, as Buffalo improved to 5-2.
"There were some gaping holes in that Carolina defense," Sean McDermott said. "They were probably about the size of the holes in my logic I used to explain why we lost to the Falcons."
The Chiefs dominated the second half and whipped the visiting Commanders 28-7 on Monday night at GEHA Field.
"That was an unusual game," Andy Reid said, "because Patrick Mahomes was just our third leading rusher.
"We had our struggles early in the season, but we're happy with our current state. The important thing about this team is we believe. You'll never hear anyone on this team say 'I can't,' just like you'll never hear anyone on this team say 'I think I'm gonna catch a ride with Rashee.'"
Chiefs win, 28-24.
Seattle @ Washington (+3½)
The Seahawks enjoyed a Week 8 bye and at 5-2 share the lead in the NFC West with the Rams.
"I think it will be important," Mike MacDonald said, "to explain to some of our less bright players that although we're playing at Washington, it's not a home game.
"I'm sure the Vikings are kicking themselves for letting Sam Darnold go. But we're thrilled to have Sam on our squad. If Dr. Frankenstein built a quarterback in his lab, that creature would have Sam's head, because I believe Sam has bolts in that neck of his."
Seattle wins, 27-19.
Arizona @ Dallas (-2½)
The Cowboys' defense could not stop the Broncos' attack, and Dallas left Denver saddled with a demoralizing 44-24 loss.
"It was a tough week for us," Jerry Jones said. "There are a lot of questions that need answers, most notably this one: what exactly happened in Trevon Diggs' 'home accident' on October 16th? Was it the old iron skillet to the face?"
The Cardinals had a Week 8 bye and are 2-5, last in the NFC West.
"Kyler Murray will be starting against the Cowboys," Jonathan Gannon said. "So I guess you want the bad news next. Okay. Jacoby Brissett won't be starting."
Cowboys win, 32-27.
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