Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Las Vegas @ Denver (-9)
The Raiders played well, but came up short in a 30-29 overtime loss to the visiting Jaguars in overtime. Geno Smith passed for 4 touchdowns, including 3 to Brock Bowers.
"Brock was finally healthy after missing several games with a knee injury," Pete Carroll said. "Brock is like Geno's security blanket. Brock is 6'3" and 240 pounds, so he's a big target. How big? Brock's actually bigger than the broad side of a barn. That's good, because Geno can't hit the broad side of a barn."
Will Lutz's 34-yard field goal as time expired gave the Broncos a hard-fought 18-15 win over the Texans in Houston. Denver is 7-2 and leads the Chiefs by 1½ games in the AFC West.
"That was a battle of two of the best defenses in the NFL," Sean Payton said. "And I'm always happy to be declared the winner in any D-measuring contest."
Broncos win, 24-13.
Atlanta @ Indianapolis (-5½)
The Steelers picked off Daniel Jones 3 times, and shut down Jonathan Taylor, as Pittsburgh KO'd the visiting Colts 27-20.
"Up until this point," Shane Steichen said, "Daniel has come up big for us. But we don't want him to come up too big. The last thing we want is Daniel playing like a 'Giant.' He did that against the Steelers.
"But losing just our second game of the year doesn't mean the sky is falling. The sky is not falling. That's not to say it won't be falling at some point. Many people say the sky is scheduled to fall in Indy whenever our first playoff game is."
Drake London's 3 touchdowns were not enough as the Falcons lost 24-23 to the Patriots in Foxboro. Parker Romo missed an extra point after London's third score that would have tied the game.
"Romo, Romo," Raheem Morris said, "wherefore art thou Romo? Soon to be on waivers.
"We are a very inconsistent team. One week we look great; the next week, we look terrible. This team's been all over the place this season, except atop any standings."
Colts win, 24-20.
NY Giants @ Chicago (-3½)
Jackson Dart had 3 total touchdowns, but the New York defense couldn't stop Christian McCaffrey and the San Francisco offense in a 34-24 loss to the 49ers. New York is 2-7, last in the NFC East.
"Jaxson's potential is limitless," Daboll said. "And much like Daniel Jones and Saquon Barkley, he won't reach it until he's away from this god-forsaken franchise.
"As you'd expect of a white boy with an 'X' in his first name, Jaxson is a big fan of butt rock, pops his collar, and likes his Mexican food as inauthentic as possible."
The Bears came out on top in a wild 47-42 win over the Bengals in Cincinnati. Caleb Williams connected with Colston Loveland for a 58-yard TD pass with 17 seconds left to give Chicago the win.
"That Bengals' defense is something else," Ben Johnson said, "other than a legitimate NFL defense. There was nearly 1,000 yards of total offense in that game. If you told me the Cincy defense was responsible for 100% of that, I would not call you a liar.
"But I think our defense played well, but only if you compare it to the Bengals. We were the second-worst defense in that game, and we're the second-worst defense in the league."
Giants win, 28-27.
Buffalo @ Miami (+9½)
The Dolphins had 3 turnovers on offense and couldn't stop Lamar Jackson on defense in a demoralizing 28-6 Thursday night loss to the visiting Ravens. Miami is 2-7, just ahead of the Jets at the bottom of the AFC East.
"After a loss like this," Mike McDaniel said, "you can either quit, or keep fighting. If neither of those options suit you, then you can mutually part ways with your GM."
The Bills' defense forced Patrick Mahomes into a miserable day, and Buffalo held on for a 28-21 win over the Chiefs in Buffalo. Mahomes completed only 15-of-34 passes, had no TDs to go along with one interception, was sacked once, and suffered 15 quarterback hits.
"We proved that Mahomes is human," Sean McDermott said. "However, our treatment of him was inhumane.
"I'm pretty sure that's not the last time we'll meet the Chiefs this year. But I'm pretty sure it's the last time we'll beat the Chiefs this year."
Bills win, 31-19.
Baltimore @ Minnesota (+4)
Lamar Jackson passed for 4 touchdowns, and the Ravens' defense forced three turnovers in a 28-6 Baltimore win over the Dolphins at Hard Rock Stadium on Thursday night.
"I think it's safe for me to say," John Harbaugh said, "that Lamar was a 'full participant' in the Miami game. More importantly for our fortunes, Cooper Rush was a non-participant in that game."
The Vikings won the battle in the trenches, rushing for 142 yards, and J.J. McCarthy passed for 2 scores, as Minnesota upset the Lions 27-24 at Ford Field.
"We really didn't play well in our last game," Kevin O'Connell said. "So you could say we needed the same thing that Adrian Peterson recently needed — a wake-up call.
"J.J. brings a real blue collar work ethic to the quarterback position. Or at least wears a shirt that makes people think that. But let's be frank — that frat boy hasn't worked a day of manual labor in his life."
Ravens win, 27-20.
Cleveland @ NY Jets (-2)
The Browns had a Week 9 bye and are 2-6, last in the AFC North.
"I spent the week trying to convince Myles Garrett and 31 teams of the same thing," Keven Stefanski said. "That Myles wants to remain a Brown. I failed on 32 counts.
"I've ceded play-calling duties to offensive coordinator Tommy Rees. If for no other reason than I don't want to be associated with this offense in any way."
The Jets went into their Week 9 bye relishing their first win of the season, a 39-38 win over the Bengals on October 26th.
"The NFL is all about small victories," Aaron Glenn said. "And only one win in eight games would be considered a 'small victory.'
"Now, I'd like to speak about our team owner, Woody Johnson. It would be irresponsible to call Woody a jackass, because that doesn't paint a fully accurate picture. Woody is a racist jackass."
Browns win, 23-18.
New England @ Tampa Bay (-2½)
The Patriots started fast and survived a furious Atlanta rally to secure a 24-23 win over the visiting Falcons. Drake Maye passed for 259 yards and 2 touchdowns as New England remained atop the AFC East at 7-2.
"Drake is well on his way to being a Patriot legend," Mike Vrabel said. "And that means when his playing days are done, he has two options: 1) become a broadcaster/partial team owner with several conflicts of interest, or 2) become a Dude Wipes spokesman and get paid to say gibberish like 'Don't be an A-hole to your B-hole.'"
The Buccaneers had a Week 9 bye and lead the NFC South with a 6-2 record.
"I had a smoking hot start to the season," Baker Mayfield said. "My last two games were not so hot. I guess everyone has their own Kryptonite. Mine must be MVP chatter."
Buccaneers win, 28-24.
New Orleans @ Carolina (-5½)
The Panthers stunned the Packers 16-13 at Lambeau Field, powered by Rico Dowdle, who broke through for 130 yards on the ground and 2 touchdowns. Ryan Fitzgerald secured the win with a 49-yard field goal as time expired.
"Our running game is the secret to our success," Dave Canales said. "On the other hand, it's no secret that we want to throw as little as possible, and preferably not at all."
Panthers win, 24-21.
Jacksonville @ Houston (-1)
Trevor Lawrence's 1-yard TD sneak in overtime gave the Jaguars the lead, and the Jacksonville defense foiled a Raiders's 2-point conversion attempt to preserve a 30-29 overtime win in Las Vegas.
"Cam Little kicked an NFL record 68-yard field goal in the first half," Liam Coen said. "Cam just expunged Justin Tucker's name out of the record book. It's the one 'record' Tucker didn't want expunged.
"We acquired Jakobi Meyers in a trade with the Raiders. Jakobi gives Trevor another speedy receiver to whom he won't throw touchdown passes."
The Texans suffered a tough 18-15 loss to the visiting Broncos. C.J. Stroud was knocked out of the game in the first quarter with a concussion.
"I feel confident of putting the ball in Davis Mills' capable hands," Demeco Ryans said. "What worries me is when the ball leaves his hands."
Jaguars win, 23-16.
Arizona @ Seattle (-7)
Sam Darnold tossed 4 first-half touchdown passes to lead the visiting Seahawks to a 38-14 win over the Commanders on Sunday night in D.C. Seattle, at 6-2, is tied with the Rams atop the NFC West.
"Sam said he thought he was seeing ghosts again," Mike MacDonald said. "He's right, because it looked like the Washington defensive backfield wasn't really there."
The Cardinals beat the Cowboys 27-17 on Monday night at AT&T Stadium. Jacoby Brissette again was solid for Arizona, passing for 2 touchdowns and rushing for another score as Arizona improved to 3-5.
"Jacoby will remain the starter for the Seahawks game," Jonathan Gannon said. "We appreciate Kyler Murray's patience while his foot heals. Kyler really hasn't won any award of significance in his time in the NFL, but in this case, he surely deserved a non-participation trophy."
Seattle wins, 25-21.
L.A. Rams @ San Francisco (+3½)
Matthew Stafford tossed 4 touchdown passes, two to Davante Adams, as the Rams pummeled the Saints 34-10.
"I give Matthew the edge over whomever the 49ers start at quarterback," Sean McVay said. "If it's Mac Jones, Matthew is 1,000 times better than Jones. And as far as Brock Purdy goes, Matthew calls turf toe the 'paper cut of NFL injuries.'"
Rams win, 26-20.
Detroit @ Washington (+4½)
The Lions were outmuscled at Ford Field and felt the sting of a 27-24 loss at the hands of the Vikings. Detroit managed only 65 yards on the ground, while Minnesota more than doubled that output with 142 yards.
"I think we were victims of being overconfident," Dan Campbell said. "A lot of people have been saying we're Super Bowl material. They've been serving us Kool-Aid, and we've been drinking it. I'm urging my Lions team to expel that Kool-Aid from their bodies. So, we have to let the 'Mane Vein Drain.'"
Lions win, 34-18.
Pittsburgh @ L.A. Chargers (-2½)
The Steelers shut down the high-powered Colts' offense, forcing six turnovers, and Pittsburgh celebrated a 27-20 win at Acrisure Stadium. The win snapped a two-game slide and kept the Steelers two games up on the Ravens in the AFC North.
"Our defense had not been playing up to expectations," Mike Tomlin said. "But that changed. The Mike Tomlin Quote Machine would say it was 'About time they did an about face.' The MTQM would also say our 'Steel Curtain was more like a Felt Curtain.'"
Justin Herbert carried the load, accounting for three total touchdowns, leading the Chargers to a 27-20 win over the pesky Titans in Tennessee.
"Justin can do it all," Jim Harbaugh said, "except give a candid interview.
"I keep hearing a lot of talk about something called 'Madison Beer.' I can only surmise that it's what T.J. Watt often shotgunned at the University of Wisconsin."
Steelers win, 23-20.
Philadelphia @ Green Bay (-2½)
The Eagles had a Week 9 bye and are 6-2, two games up on the Cowboys in the NFC East.
"The bye week couldn't have come at a better time," Nick Sirianni said. "We really needed that extra week, to decipher all of A.J. Brown's cryptic communications. I don't know what I want more — another Super Bowl ring, or just one decoder ring.
"We traded for edge rusher Jaelan Phillips from the Dolphins, cornerback Jaire Alexander from the Ravens, and cornerback Michael Carter II from the Jets. We really beefed up our defense. And when you give defensive coordinator Vic Fangio players like that, it really gets his beef up."
The Packers, as 2-touchdown favorites, lost 16-13 to the visiting Panthers, who out-rushed Green Bay 163 to 104. The Packers fell to 5-2-1, and lead the Lions by ½-game in the NFC North.
"Jordan Love did not play well," Matt Lafleur said. "I fear some of his bad habits have resurfaced. Prior to the Carolina game, Jordan had been pretty good about avoiding the bad habits that other QB's could not, like advocating for Copper Fit products, which is the equivalent of wearing snake oil. And Jordan hasn't texted a single picture of his junk to anyone other than me."
Packers win, 27-24.
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