Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Buffalo @ Houston (+5½)
The Bills beat the visiting Buccaneers 44-32 behind a huge day from Josh Allen. Allen passed for 3 touchdowns and rushed for 3 scores, a feat he also accomplished last season.
"Josh put the team on his back," Sean McDermott said, "and we were all happy to go for a ride. And we don't even need a saddle. I think the kids call that going 'bareback.'"
The Texans, without C.J. Stroud for the second straight game, beat the Titans 16-13 in Nashville. Davis Mills passed for 274 yards and a touchdown, and Matthew Wright's 35-yard field goal as time expired won it for Houston.
"I don't think we can take too much delight in barely beating the worst team in the league," DeMeco Ryans said. "I think a lot of people in Tennessee would equate it to kissing your sister, and I can only assume they know that from experience.
"You're likely to hear a lot of 'defense' chants here at NRG Stadium. I think you'd hear more 'offense' chants, but they're often off the field before the fans get to the second syllable."
Bills win, 27-19.
Pittsburgh @ Chicago (-3)
The Steelers beat the visiting Bengals 34-12, scoring two defensive touchdowns to help put away Cincy. Aaron Rodgers left the game early with a left wrist injury and will miss the game.
"The Bengals' defense is really bad," Mike Tomlin said. "But I guess their offense wanted to get in on the action and give up easy touchdowns themselves.
"Aaron's left wrist is his non-throwing hand. Some might say he has two of those. But Aaron plans to play despite the injury. Luckily, he doesn't need surgery. But Aaron will need some painkillers. We all know how he feels about needles, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't do oral, so who knows how Aaron will have his medication administered."
Cairo Santos' 48-yard field goal as time expired lifted the Bears to a 19-17 win over the Vikings at US Bank Stadium. Chicago is 7-3 and sits alone atop the NFC North.
"The game was decided," Ben Johnson said, "at the intersection of us finding a way to win and the Vikings finding a way to lose.
"Caleb Williams has a knack for making spectacular plays at crucial moments. He also has a knack for not making routine plays at moments that, at the time, are not crucial, but become crucial once Caleb fails to make the routine play. All I'm asking is more substance and less style. You know, maybe a less flashy fingernail color."
Bears win, 27-24.New England @ Cincinnati (+8)
TreVeyon Henderson scored 3 touchdowns, and Drake Maye passed for 281 yards and a touchdown, as the Patriots beat the visiting Jets 27-14 on Thursday night. New England is 9-2, 1½ games up on the Bills in the AFC East.
"I think we stack up well against the NFL's best," Mike Vrabel said. "In fact, we may be the best team in the league. That means we're better than 31 other NFL teams, and much better than that so-called '33rd' NFL team that Bill Belichick is trying to build in Chapel Hill.
"But I'm really focused on making sure this team reaches its potential. I can't let that be derailed by outside distractions, like being someone's sugar daddy."
The Bengals lost 34-12 to the Steelers in Pittsburgh, doomed by two turnovers that Pittsburgh returned for touchdowns. The Steelers held Ja'Marr Chase to just 3 catches.
"Did Ja'Marr really spit on Jalen Ramsey?" Zac Taylor said. "I don't know. Did Keith Hernandez spit on Cosmo Kramer? Who knows, but I'd love to hear Stephen A. Smith and a selected ESPN crony who'll argue the exact opposite debate the topic on ESPN's 'Spit Take.'"
Patriots win, 27-24.
NY Giants @ Detroit (-10½)
The Giants lost 27-20 to the visiting Packers, who forced 2 late turnovers to secure the win. It was the first game for New York under interim coach Mike Kafka, who replaced Brian Daboll.
"It's one thing to follow in the footsteps of a legend," Kafka said. "But I guess I wouldn't know anything whatsoever about that.
"Jameis Winston is more than a gunslinger, he's a 'funslinger.' If he needs to throw it 60 times a game, he will, and it's a good bet a double-digit percentage of those will be interceptions."
The Eagles' defense made life miserable for Jared Goff, and the Lions left Philadelphia with a 16-9 loss. Detroit is 6-4 and are currently the eighth seed in the NFC.
"Philly is a tough environment to play in," Dan Campbell said, "especially if you're an Eagle. If a Lions' fan got in my face in Detroit and started talking trash to me, let's just say if he were trying to bite kneecaps afterwards, it would be with no teeth.
"We really have to be much better at protecting Jared. But if there's one thing I know about Jared, it's that he doesn't run from adversity. Because he's too slow."
Lions win, 34-18.
Minnesota @ Green Bay (-6½)
The Packers snapped a two-game slide with a hard-fought 27-20 win over the Giants at MetLife Stadium. Jordan Love had 2 touchdown passes after returning to the game after suffering a left shoulder injury, and the Green Bay defense stiffened late to preserve the win.
"You never know what you'll get when you face Jameis Winston," Matt Lafleur said, "except turnovers, and some weird biblical scripture readings, and maybe some missing crab legs."
Despite throwing a late TD pass that briefly gave the Vikings the lead, J.J. McCarthy was mostly erratic in a 19-17 loss at home to the Bears. McCarthy completed only 16-of-32 passes and had 2 interceptions.
"I still think J.J. can be a good NFL quarterback someday," Keven O'Connell, "who backs up a much, much, much better NFL quarterback.
"I'm gonna do my best to coach J.J. up. But he's gonna have to work his tail off. Sometimes, you might have to be inconvenienced to ultimately achieve a desired result. You know, like Adrian Peterson having to blow into a tube to allow him to drive a car."
Packers win, 24-21.
Seattle @ Tennessee (+13)
The Seahawks couldn't overcome 4 Sam Darnold interceptions and lost 21-19 to the Rams at SoFi Stadium. Seattle had a chance to win, but Jason Myer's 61-yard field goal attempt as time expired was short.
"No one in this organization is going to throw Sam under the bus," Mike MacDonald said, "because he's already there. And since he's already under the bus, out of respect, we just won't drive over him.
"I think it says a lot about this team in that we almost won despite those four picks by Sam. If Sam just throws just 3, or just 2, or just 1 interception, then we can win. And we're preparing ourselves now for the likelihood of one or more of those things happening in the playoffs."
The Titans took the visiting Texans to the wire before losing 16-13. Tennessee is 1-9 and has the worst record in the NFL.
"I'd like to have the 'interim' tag removed from my title," Mike McCoy said. "But I'm pretty sure I'll have the 'interim' tag removed as well as the 'coach' tag. And that may happen before the end of the season. Has an interim coach ever been fired?"
Seattle wins, 30-10.
Indianapolis @ Kansas City (-3½)
The Chiefs fell to 5-5 after a 22-19 loss to the Broncos in Denver. Kansas City is now 3½ games behind the division-leading Broncos in the AFC West.
"We're not going to panic right now," Andy Reid said. "We're gonna take a deep breath, then panic.
"It looks like we're going to need to run the table. I ran the table back in 1971 in the Punt, Pass, And Kick competition, when I, a healthy American male, whipped a bunch of tiny, malnourished punks with buggy whip arms and spindly legs. By 'run the table,' I mean I ate everything on it. Heck, I was saying 'feed me' long before Ezekiel Elliott."
The Colts had a Week 11 bye and lead the AFC South with an 8-2 record.
"We feel like we're the best team in the AFC until someone else says otherwise," Shane Steichen said. "I think everyone is curious so find out when the Chiefs will say 'otherwise,' Sunday in Kansas City, or in January at Lucas Oil Stadium in the divisional round?"
Chiefs win, 23-20.
NY Jets @ Baltimore (-13½)
The Jets lost 27-14 to the Patriots at Gillette Stadium on Thursday night. Justin Fields had 67 yards and a touchdown on the ground, but the New York passing attack was largely ineffective.
"As I stated before," Aaron Glenn said, "we're evaluating everything, including our evaluation process. And we've come to the conclusion that our evaluation process, and things we are evaluating, both suck.
"I'm benching Justin and Tyrod Taylor will get the start. And I'm almost positive that will solve all our problems."
The Ravens beat the Browns 23-16 in Cleveland to win their second straight contest. Lamar Jackson struggled, completing only 14-of-25 passes for 193 yards, and was sacked 5 times and intercepted twice.
"Lamar didn't play like 'S,'" John Harbaugh said. "He played worse than 'S.' He actually played like 'SS.' By that I mean he played like Shedeur Sanders."
Ravens win, 31-13.
Cleveland @ Las Vegas (-3½)
The Browns lost 23-16 to the visiting Ravens. Dillon Gabriel was knocked out of the game in the first half with a concussion, with Shedeur Sanders filling in the remainder of the way. Sanders was 4-for-16 for 47 yards with 1 interception.
"Yes," Kevin Stefanski said, "you read that stat line right. Only Deion Sanders could interpret that as anything other than abysmal.
"Shedeur's home was unfortunately broken into during the game. While he was sacked twice by the Ravens, his home was sacked just once."
The Cowboys hammered the Raiders 33-16 on Monday night. Dak Prescott threw 4 TD passes and Las Vegas dropped to 2-8, last in the AFC West.
"It was really easy to get fired up to play 'America's Team," Pete Carroll said. "That being said, I would have to question America's choices, in regards to a team, and many other things."
Raiders win, 17-12.
Jacksonville @ Arizona (+2½)
The Cardinals fell into a 25-10 hole to the 49ers and couldn't close the gap, ultimately falling 41-22 to the visiting 49ers. Jacoby Brissett threw for 452 yards and 2 touchdowns in a losing effort.
"I can assure you," Jonathan Gannon said, "'IR' does not stand for 'irreplaceable' where Kyler Murray is concerned. Jacoby had 47 completions in that game, which is an NFL regular-season record. I think he's earned the right to be an NFL starting quarterback, and he's more than earned the right to be one somewhere other than here."
The home-standing Jaguars smoked the Chargers 35-6 to improve to 6-4. Jacksonville controlled the game on the ground, piling up 192 yards on 47 carries and 4 touchdowns.
"Trevor Lawrence did a great job of managing the game," Liam Coen said. "It's not often Trevor has a good quarterbacking day and a good hair day. Let's be honest — his hair is way more reliable than his quarterbacking."
Jaguars win, 30-24.
Philadelphia @ Dallas (+3½)
The Philly defense made its presence felt in a dominant way, leading the way in a 16-9 win over the visiting Lions on Sunday night.
"Our defense has really carried us lately," Nick Sirianni said. "In our last two games, we've scored a combined 26 points, and we've won both games. That's a testament to our defense. And I don't mind our defense continuing to carry us. I'm not afraid to say it, but I like riding that D."
Eagles win, 31-24.
Atlanta @ New Orleans (-2)
The Falcons failed to avenge a 30-0 Week 3 loss to the Panthers, and dropped a 30-27 decision in overtime at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Atlanta has lost five in a row and are 3-7, three games out of first in the NFC South.
"And Michael Penix is out for the year after injuring his knee," Raheem Morris said. "So, we find ourselves in a situation of 'next man up.' And that next man is Kirk Cousins. A month ago, Kirk probably thought his days as a starting quarterback were over. But life comes at you fast, even if Kirk's passes don't."
Saints win, 28-21.
Tampa Bay @ L.A. Rams (-6½)
The Rams' defense intercepted Sam Darnold 4 times, and Matthew Stafford tossed 2 touchdown passes, as Los Angeles held on to beat Seattle 21-19 at SoFi Stadium. The win elevated the Rams into sole possession of the lead in the NFC West.
"We knew we could get into Darnold's head," Sean McVay said, by making him think we were in his head. We really didn't do anything that complicated. We were playing checkers; Darnold thought we were playing chess."
The Bucs fell victim to the Josh Allen juggernaut in a 44-32 loss in Buffalo. Allen had 6 total touchdowns and Baker Mayfield and the Tampa offense could not keep up.
"Allen planted so many flags in our end zone," Mayfield said, "we're gonna soon have a forest of them."
Rams win, 31-27.
Carolina @ San Francisco (-7)
Christian McCaffrey scored 3 touchdowns, and Brock Purdy threw 3 TD passes in his return to the lineup, as the 49ers whipped the home-standing Cardinals, 41-22.
"Brock appears to be fully healed of his toe injury," Kyle Shanahan said. "I say 'appears' because I'm Kyle Shanahan, and sometimes I like to play doctor. Check with me tomorrow — Brock might be on injured reserve.
"Why this game is being played on a Monday night, in prime time no less, is a mystery to me. It seems more like a game that should be played on a Tuesday, at 2:00 P.M."
Bryce Young passed for 448 yards and 3 touchdowns in the Panthers' 30-27 overtime win over the Falcons at Mercedes-Benz Stadium.
"The Falcons' pass defense is like Swiss cheese," Young said. "That must be bad, because I've never ever heard of any Swiss cheese that played any type of defense."
49ers win, 26-23.
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