Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Green Bay @ Detroit (-2½)
The Lions needed overtime to put away the Giants in a 34-27 win at Ford Field. Jahmyr Gibb's 69-yard touchdown jaunt in overtime put the Lions in the lead. On the day, Gibbs had 264 total yards and 3 touchdowns.
"I'm not sure Jahmyr could do any more than that," Dan Campbell said, "unless he was facing our defense. Our defense really struggled ... in hearing me in the pre-game speech when I said 'shutout' and they thought I said 'shootout.'
"You know you have issues on defense when you give up a receiving touchdown to Jameis Winston. Winston has become a defensive coordinator's nightmare. There was a time he was infamous for 'eating Ws;' now he's famous for 'eating Ds.'
"Nothing says 'tradition' like Thanksgiving football in Detroit. Thank goodness we won last Thanksgiving, otherwise nothing would have said 'tradition' like the Lions losing on Thanksgiving."
The Packers dominated the visiting Vikings in a 23-6 Green Bay win at Lambeau Field. Enanuel Wilson, in for the injured Josh Jacobs, rushed for 107 yards and 2 touchdowns, while the Packers sacked J.J. McCarthy 5 times and intercepted him twice.
"In the NFL," Matt Lafleur said, "it's often about 'next man up.' And Kevin O'Connell should seriously consider looking into that."
Packers win, 26-24.
Kansas City @ Dallas (+3½)
The Cowboys stormed back from a 21-0 deficit to stun the Eagles 24-21 at AT&T Stadium. Dak Prescott passed for 354 yards and 2 touchdowns, and also added a rushing score. Dallas in 5-5-1, 2½ games behind the 8-3 Eagles in the NFC East.
"It was a great win," Brian Schotteheimer said. "But we have to temper the excitement, and not overreact, and realize that it's just one win, and we're still currently out of the playoffs, and likely will have a 30-year Super Bowl drought when all is said and done. By 'we,' I mean Jerry Jones."
The Chiefs erased a 20-9 fourth-quarter deficit to force overtime, and after stopping the Colts defense, Harrison Butker's 27-yard field goal gave Kansas City a 23-20 win.
"I'm really happy for Harrison," Andy Reid said. "He had a rough start to the year, so it was good for him to hear a locker room full of his teammates cheering for him. Almost as good as it was him to imagine their respective significant others cheering for him from their respective kitchens.
"Sure we've struggled this season. But a lot of people are forgetting that we represented the AFC in the Super Bowl last year. Unfortunately, more are remembering that we represented the AFC badly in the Super Bowl."
Cowboys win, 30-28.
Cincinnati @ Baltimore (-7)
The Ravens surged in the second half to put away the Jets 23-10 at M&T Bank Stadium. Derrick Henry rushed for 2 touchdowns, and Baltimore's fifth straight win vaulted them into a tie for first place in the AFC North.
"Lamar Jackson's knee is still not at 100%," John Harbaugh said. "If you see him walking gingerly, it could either be his knee, or it could just mean he needs a bathroom pronto."
The Bengals, without the suspended Ja'Marr Chase, lost 26-20 to the visiting Patriots. Cincy dropped to 3-8, tied with the Browns for last in the AFC North.
"Ja'Marr knows he should have spit on Jalen Ramsey," Zac Taylor. "There's a lesson to be learned here. If this season's spitting episodes have told us one thing, it's that if you're arguing in the face of an NFL player with the initials 'J.C.,' watch out.
"Joe Burrow is healthy enough to play, and I might just be stupid enough to let him."
Ravens win, 27-24.
Chicago @ Philadelphia (-7)
Caleb Williams passed for 3 touchdowns to lead the Bears to a 31-28 win over the Steelers at Soldier Field. Chicago is 8-3 and leads the NFC North.
"I was really looking forward to going head to head with Aaron Rodgers," Williams said. "Instead, I had to outduel Mason Rudolph. So, instead of being able to brag that I beat a four-time NFL MVP, I get to boast that I beat the guy whose claim to fame is that he got his helmet ripped off by Myles Garrett. To be fair, that's more than I'm known for currently."
The Eagles squandered a 21-0 lead and surrendered 10 fourth-quarter points in a 24-21 loss to the Cowboys in Dallas. Philly's offense stagnated in the second half, and 2 turnovers were costly.
"I would say the Cowboys outplayed us in the second half," Nick Sirianni said, "but I'd rather sandpaper my own scrotum before I'd compliment a Cowboy. That being said, never underestimate the feeling of a smooth scrotum.
"It feels really special that the NFL chose us to host a 'Black Friday' game. It feels like a 'gift' really."
Eagles win, 30-17.
San Francisco @ Cleveland (+6½)
The Browns' defense sacked Geno Smith 10 times, and Quinshon Judkins rushed for 2 touchdowns, as Cleveland easily vanquished the Raiders 24-10 in Las Vegas.
"Geno is not a good quarterback," Kevin Stefanski said. "He is not what the kids would call 'extra.' He is, however, what our defense would call 'X-tra.'"
Browns win, 19-17.
Jacksonville @ Tennessee (+6½)
The Seahawks raced to a 23-3 lead and eventually beat the Titans 30-24 in Nashville. Tennessee is 1-9, last in the AFC South.
"Until we're officially eliminated from playoff contention," Mike McCoy said, "I'm just going to assume we're eliminated from playoff contention. But being so bad puts us in a very unique position — we don't even have to tank."
The Jaguars earned a hard-fought 27-24 overtime win over the Cardinals at State Farm Stadium. Cam Little's 52-yard field goal in overtime gave Jacksonville the win.
"Trevor Lawrence had 3 touchdown passes," Liam Coen said. "He also had 3 interceptions. So he obviously needs to be more careful with his throws. Trevor went to Clemson, so I'll put it into terms even a Clemson grad could understand: 'Hold that, Tiger.'"
Titans win, 23-19.
Houston @ Indianapolis (-4½)
The Texans' defense sacked Josh Allen 8 times and forced 3 turnovers, and Davis Mills passed for 2 scores, as Houston took down the Bills 23-19 on Thursday at NRG Stadium.
"It's really unheard of to sack Allen that many times," DeMeco Ryans said. "Allen is a big boy. Maybe that will teach him to pull up his big boy panties.
"And speaking of 'big boy panties,' I don't think Daniel Jones owns a single pair."
The Chiefs' defense limited Jonathan Taylor on the ground, while piling up 148 rushing yards of their own, as Kansas City KO'd the Colts 23-20 in overtime.
"The game in Kansas City had a playoff atmosphere," Shane Steichen said. "That's probably why we lost.
"It was pretty discouraging that we gave up almost 500 yards of total offense. I've urged our defense to be better. I've challenged them ... to find out how many games it usually takes the Texans' offense to accumulate 500 yards."
Colts win, 21-13.
New Orleans @ Miami (-6)
Miami had a Week 12 bye and are 4-7, but riding a 2-game winning streak.
"It's amazing how fast a winning streak can turn around your season," Mike McDaniel said. "Probably as fast as one loss can turn it right back around.
"And speaking of 'fast,' I haven't seen anyone move as fast Jaelen Phillips sprinted to the airport after getting traded to the Eagles."
The visiting Falcons roughed up Tyler Shough, and Atlanta left Caesar's Superdome with a 24-10 win. Shough was sacked 5 times and had 2 turnovers, as New Orleans fell to 2-9.
"A lot of people are saying," Kellen Moore said, "that Tyler Shough 'soughs.'"
Miami wins, 27-16.
Atlanta @ NY Jets (+2½)
The Jets held a 7-3 lead at Baltimore, but could only add a second half field goal in a 23-10 loss to the Ravens at M&T Bank Stadium. New York is 2-9, last in the AFC East.
"The 2026 NFL draft class is pretty thin on highly-rated quarterbacks," Aaron Glenn said. "So, we're looking at prospective quarterbacks with a great deal of hesitancy. Probably with less hesitancy than prospective quarterbacks have about playing for the Jets."
Jets win, 23-20.
Arizona @ Tampa Bay (-6)
The Cardinals lost to the Jaguars 27-24 in overtime at State Farm Stadium. Jacoby Brissett passed for 317 yards and a touchdown in a losing effort.
"Jacoby has passed for 769 yards in the last two games," Jonathan Gannon said. "That's earned him the nickname 'Kyler Who?'
"Jacoby is great as the overseer of our offense. And it helps that he can see over the offensive line."
The Rams toppled the visiting Buccaneers 34-7 on Sunday night at SoFi Stadium. Los Angeles raced to a 31-7 lead, and Baker Mayfield missed the second half with a sprained left shoulder.
"Baker will be fine," Todd Bowles said. "But the real issue is our defense. I think Bucs' Super Bowl-winning head coach Tony Dungy would be appalled by our play, almost as much as he was appalled by litter boxes in school bathrooms for students who identify as cats."
Bucs win, 28-20.
L.A. Rams @ Carolina (+6)
The Panthers lost 20-9 to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium on Monday night. Bryce Young struggled, and Carolina couldn't capitalize on three Brock Purdy interceptions.
"Inexplicably," Dave Canales said, "I only called 6 rushes for Rico Dowdle. Explicably, Bryce struggled."
Matthew Stafford passed for 3 first-half touchdowns, 2 to Davante Adams, to lead the Rams to a blowout 34-7 win over the visiting Buccaneers on Sunday night. Stafford leads the NFL with 30 passing TDs and Adams leads with 12 receiving touchdowns.
"Davante reportedly has a Taco Bell in his house," Stafford said. "I hear he's thinking of getting one in the end zone, because he's there so often."
Rams win, 24-17.
Minnesota @ Seattle (-10½)
Jaxon Smith-Njigba had 8 receptions for 167 yards and 2 touchdowns to power the Seahawks to a 30-24 win over the Titans in Nashville. Seattle is 8-3, one game behind the Rams in the NFC West.
"JSN is having such an incredible year," Sam Darnold said, "that no one knows who the Seahawks' No. 2 receiver is. And I don't either."
J.J. McCarthy was sacked 5 times and threw 2 interceptions in an ugly 23-6 loss to the Packers at Lambeau Field. Minnesota is 4-7, in the cellar in the NFC North.
"J.J. left Michigan early," Kevin O'Connell said. "He makes me want to leave Minnesota early.
"We've placed J.J. in concussion protocol. In this case, 'concussion protocol' is just another name for 'the bench.'"
Seahawks win, 31-17.
Buffalo @ Pittsburgh (+3½)
The vaunted Texans' defense did not disappoint, sacking Josh Allen 8 times, as Houston upset the visiting Bills 23-19 on Thursday night.
"Every time I looked up," Allen said, "I had a Texan on top of me. And you might have seen me on the sideline, after one of those sacks, ask Mitch Trubisky 'What are we doing?' And here's what we're doing? We're signing 32-year-old wide receiver Brandin Cooks to help me get sacked less. It makes total sense."
Bills win, 24-20.
Las Vegas at L.A. Chargers (-6)
The Chargers had a Week 12 bye hoping to remove the taste of a 35-6 blowout loss to the Jaguars in Week 11.
"That was by far our worst loss of the season," Jim Harbaugh said. "And I really can't explain it. Unless the Jags somehow snuck a spy on our sideline and knew exactly what plays we were calling; then I can totally explain it."
Geno Smith was sacked 10 times by the Browns and the Raiders fell 24-10 to the Browns at Allegiant Stadium. On Monday, Las Vegas canned offensive coordinator Chip Kelly.
"To be fair," Pete Carroll said, "that Cleveland defense can make offenses look bad. Sometimes two in one game."
Chargers win, 23-13.
Denver @ Washington (+6½)
The Broncos had a Week 12 bye and are 9-2, first in the AFC West.
"We still really have a lot of work to do," Sean Payton said. "The regular season really means nothing. Bo knows that better than anyone. In the list of Broncos' quarterback playoff wins, Bo currently sits below Tim Tebow. So, in Bo's eyes, he's a gigantic failure."
Broncos win, 24-15.
NY Giants @ New England (-7½)
The Patriots held on to beat the Bengals 26-20 in Cincinnati, improving their record to 10-2.
"I have nothing but respect for my former coach Bill Belichick," Mike Vrabel said. "And it's sad that neither of these teams wanted him to be their head coach. What's sadder is there are 30 other teams that feel the same."
The visiting Giants stretch the Lions to the limit before falling 34-27 in overtime. Jameis Winston passed for 366 yards and 2 touchdowns, and also had a receiving touchdown.
"Jameis is a man of many talents," Mike Kafka said. "His greatest talent, and most appreciated, is the ability to keep Russell Wilson on the bench."
Patriots win, 30-20.
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