Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Dallas @ Detroit (-3)
Jordan Love's 4 passing TDs sunk the Lions on Thanksgiving in a 31-24 Green Bay win over Detroit at Ford Field. The Lions dropped to 7-5 and are currently the NFC's eighth seed.
"Like I said earlier," Dan Campbell said, "we're in a bit of a 'hole.' And I'm not happy about it. So pardon me if I'm a bit of an 'a-hole.'
"But we're going to find our way out of it ourselves. Luckily, we have a respected owner in Sheila Ford Hamp who stays the hell out of team business and lets the adults in the room make personnel decisions. Unfortunately, a lot of people say Jerry Jones' cosplay as a general manager is a lot like me as a play caller."
Dak Prescott passed for 320 yards and 2 touchdowns, as the Cowboys stayed hot with a 31-28 over the Chiefs at AT&T Stadium on Thanksgiving.
"In the span of five days," Prescott said, "we've beaten the defending Super Bowl champs and the defending Super Bowl runners-up. Through the lens of Jerry Jones' cataract-riddled eyes and dementia-fied brain, that's good enough to be considered a Super Bowl win."
Cowboys win, 31-30.
Seattle @ Atlanta (+7½)
The Seahawks stomped the visiting Vikings 26-0 and reclaimed the lead in the NFC West thanks to the Rams' loss to the Panthers. The Seattle defense intercepted quarterback Max Brosmer 4 times and also sacked him 4 times.
"We couldn't really find a lot of tape on Brosmer," Mike MacDonald said. "So we just watched tape of Sam Darnold as a Viking in the playoffs last year against the Rams. The similarities were striking."
The Falcons lost 27-24 to the Jets at MetLife Stadium and fell to 4-8.
"We were just 4-of-12 on third down conversions," Raheem Morris said. "We really need to stay out of third and long situations, because I don't think Kirk Cousins can throw it far enough to get us out of them."
Seattle wins, 27-15.
Tennessee @ Cleveland (-3½)
The visiting 49ers whipped the Browns 26-8 in Cleveland. Cleveland actually out-gained the 49ers by one yard, but were doomed by 2 turnovers.
"No one deserved a game ball after that," Kevin Stefanski said. "But I'm going to give Shedeur Sanders one just to shut some people up.
"I would say Shedeur is a lot like his father Deion was, in that when he's in the game, an interception could happen at any moment."
The Jaguars hammered the Titans 25-3 in Nashville. Tennessee dropped to 1-10, 0-6 at home.
"The record doesn't indicate it," Mike McCoy said, "but we're improving with every game. Next year, this is going to be a team to be reckoned with. And I'll be a coach that needs to be reckoned with, because I reckon I won't have a job."
Browns win, 19-12.
Chicago @ Green Bay (-6½)
Jordan Love passed for 234 yards and 4 touchdowns, while Micah Parsons wreaked havoc on defense, as the Packers beat the Lions 31-24 at Ford Field. Green Bay, at 8-3-1, trails the 9-3 Bears by just a½ game in the NFC North.
"Jordan was really feeling it," Matt Lafleur said. "He looked like vintage Brett Favre or vintage Aaron Rodgers. But consistency has been an issue for Jordan. So, it's possible in the next game he also plays like vintage Favre or Rodgers, when they were Jets."
The Bears trampled through the Eagles defense for 281 yards and 2 touchdowns in a 24-15 Chicago win over the Eagles in Philadelphia on Friday.
"I was so excited afterwards," Ben Johnson said, "I ripped my shirt off in the locker room, so everyone could see my nipples.
"We're currently the NFC's No. 1 seed. Yet we're still 6½-point underdogs to the Packers. And I guess it won't make sense until we leave Lambeau Field with a 10-point loss."
Packers win, 30-20.Washington @ Minnesota (-1½)
The Vikings couldn't generate a lick of offense in a 26-0 loss to the Seahawks in Seattle. Max Brosmer started at quarterback for Minnesota and was sacked 4 times and intercepted 4 times.
"As bad as Max was," Kevin O'Connell said, "I still have no clarity on which of our quarterbacks give us the best chance to win. If that sounded insulting to J.J. McCarthy, then I succeeded with the intention of my statement.
"Maybe the question should be 'Which of our quarterbacks gives us any chance to win?' I don't even need to look, but I'm pretty sure our quarterbacks have the worst success rate in the NFL. And I'm positive they have the highest 'suck-sess' rate in the NFL. It's probably 100% sucking."
Commanders win, 23-19.
Miami @ NY Jets (+3)
Nick Folk's 56-yard field goal as time expired gave the Jets a 27-24 win over the visiting Falcons. Tyrod Taylor passed for a score and rushed for another as New York improved to 3-9.
"We've won three of our last five games," Aaron Glenn said. "Take away the first seven games of the season, and we're 3-2. And I'm begging you, please take away the first seven games.
"Despite Tyrod's heroics, I think it's obvious we're looking for a franchise quarterback. This franchise has shown that the chances of us finding one are about the same as the chances of you finding the Jersey Devil in the Pine Barrens. To be clear, the Jersey Devil exists; a Jets' franchise quarterback does not."
The Dolphins held on to beat the visiting Saints 21-17 at Hard Rock Stadium. Devon Achane rushed for 134 yards and a touchdown as Miami won its third straight game.
"We're the hottest team in Miami," Mike McDaniel said, "that plays NFL games at Hard Rock Stadium.
"Our chances of making the playoffs are much like my calves, ankles, wrists, forearms, and waistline ... pretty slim."
Jets win, 23-20.
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay (-9)
The Bucs beat the visiting Cardinals 20-17 to snap a 3-game losing streak. Baker Mayfield battled through a gimpy left shoulder to toss a touchdown pass and added 27 yards on the ground.
"A sprained shoulder won't keep Baker out of a game," Todd Bowles said. "Heck, I'm not sure a dislocated shoulder would stop him. And speaking of 'dislocated,' a lot of Tyler Shough's passes are."
The Saints' late comeback bid fell short in an eventual 21-17 loss to the Dolphins at Hard Rock Stadium. Tyler Shough passed for 2 touchdowns, but also committed 2 turnovers.
"One minute," Kellen Moore said, "Tyler has me thinking he looks like a legitimate NFL quarterback. The next minute, I realize I was mistaken and he sucks. I call that the 'Shough and Jive.'"
Bucs win, 27-16.
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville (+1½)
The Colts couldn't overcome Houston's tough defense and suffered a 20-16 loss to the visiting Texans. Indy has lost three of its last four, and quarterback Daniel Jones is managing a fibula injury that has limited his mobility.
"Daniel is one tough son of a bitch," Shane Steichen said. "I'm just a son of a bitch for asking him to play on a broken leg."
The visiting Jaguars overwhelmed the Titans 25-3 in Nashville. Trevor Lawrence passed for 229 yards and 2 touchdowns as Jacksonville moved into a tie with the Colts in the AFC South, where both have 8-4 records.
"Our punter Logan Cooke allegedly threatened to kill a Titans' player," Liam Coen said. "There are unwritten rules in this game; one is 'never take a threat from a punter seriously.' A threat from our punter is a lot like the Jaguars leading the division — it strikes fear in no one."
Colts win, 23-20.
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore (-6)
The Ravens had 5 turnovers in an ugly 32-14 loss to the visiting Bengals on Thanksgiving night.
"When your number of turnovers is just one less than your number of wins," John Harbaugh said, "then you know you played like garbage. But let me tell you, if we were sitting on 10 wins, I could have dealt with a team with nine turnovers much better than I did with this crappy six-win team."
The Steelers suffered an ugly 26-7 loss to the visiting Bills, hampered by an offense that couldn't move the ball and a defense that gave up 249 yards on the ground. The 249 yards on the ground were the most ever in Acrisure Stadium.
"Aaron Rodgers called out his wide receivers after the game," Mike Tomlin said. "I think I speak for those receivers when I say to Rodgers 'Look in the mirror,' because your nose is really jacked up.
"Steelers/Ravens is one of the NFL's greatest rivalries, and the stakes couldn't be higher. The winner likely has the inside track to the division title and the coveted No. 4 seed in the AFC, and a game against the team with the coveted No. 5 seed. That No. 5 seed is coveted because they get to play us or the Ravens."
Ravens win, 24-21.
Denver @ Las Vegas (+7½)
The Raiders lost 31-14 to the Chargers at SoFi Stadium. Los Angeles won the battle in the trenches, rushing for 192 yards while limiting the Raiders to just 31 on the ground.
"If my math is correct," Pete Carroll said, "our rushing game sucks. They say football is a game of inches, and so is our rushing game.
"A game with the Broncos is a big deal for Geno Smith. And Geno is locked in and ready to go. That, of course, means that his middle finger is holstered and ready to become unholstered at any minute."
Bo Nix passed for 321 yards and a touchdown, and the Broncos defense foiled a late 2-point conversion attempt to preserve a 27-26 win over the Commanders in D.C. on Sunday night. Denver improved to 10-2 and currently holds the AFC's No. 1 seed.
"I challenged our defense to make a play," Sean Payton said. "And they obliged, because they made one play, that one."
Broncos win, 29-17.
Cincinnati @ Buffalo (-5½)
In Joe Burrow's return to the lineup after missing nine games with a toe injury, the Cincinnati defense stepped up, forcing five Baltimore turnovers in a 32-14 Bengals' win over the Ravens.
"Joe may have been the one with a special shoe to protect his toe," Zac Taylor said,"but our defense gave the Ravens a steel-toed butt-kicking."
The visiting Bills pummeled the Steelers 26-7, piling up 249 yards on the ground. Josh Allen had a passing touchdown and ran for another. It was Allen's 76th rushing score of his career, and moved him past Cam Newton for the most by a quarterback in NFL history.
"Josh and Newton have a lot of similarities," Sean McDermott said. "One is, just like Newton, Josh has never tried to recover his own fumble in a Super Bowl. I have a feeling that if Josh made it to a Super Bowl, he would at least try to recover his own fumble."
Bills win, 27-24.
L.A. Rams @ Arizona (+8)
The Panthers stunned the visiting Rams 31-28 in Charlotte, as Bryce Young out-dueled Matthew Stafford. Young passed for 3 touchdowns, while the Carolina defense forced 3 Stafford turnovers.
"Matthew doesn't always throw interceptions or drink beer," Sean McVay said, "but when he does, he throws two, and drinks Dos Equis."
Rams win, 26-20.
Houston @ Kansas City (-3)
Despite 4 TD passes from Patrick Mahomes, the Chiefs still lost 31-28 to the Cowboys in Dallas on Thanksgiving. Kansas City is 6-6 and currently sit ninth in the AFC standings.
"I really think if we can make the playoffs," Andy Reid said, "we could really do some damage ... by damaging our lofty reputation with another blowout loss."
The Texans' defense held the Colts' high-scoring offense in check, and Nico Collins had 98 yards receiving and added a rushing score, as Houston beat the Colts 20-16 in Indianapolis.
"Nico is awesome," DeMeco Ryans said, "and so is my defense. Nico is our best player on offense, and the 12th-best player on the team."
Chiefs win, 19-16.
Philadelphia @ L.A. Chargers (+2½)
The Bears muscled their way to 281 yards on the ground and a 24-15 win over the Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field on Friday.
"We deserved all the boos," Nick Sirianni said. "And I think our fans lived up to their reputation, because everyone thinks Philly fans are 'boos hounds' anyway.
"But egging our offensive coordinator's house? It's shocking that Eagles' fans would do that. And I mean it's shocking because I'd expect Eagles' fans would use something other than eggs, like rocks, bottles, human waste, batteries, Molotov cocktails, and/or grenades. Eggs? Come on."
The Chargers waxed the visiting Chargers 31-14 at SoFi Stadium, led by Kimani Vidal, who rushed for 126 yards and a touchdown. Justin Herbert broke a bone in his left hand in the Chargers' first series, but battled through the injury and tossed 2 touchdown passes.
"Justin had surgery on Monday," John Harbaugh said. "I've been told everything went well. I have no further information at the time. I'll update you when I have more details. And if you don't believe me, then you can talk to the hand."
Eagles win, 27-23.
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