Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
L.A. Rams @ Seattle (even)
The Seahawks just barely beat Phillip Rivers and the Colts 18-16 at Lumen Field. Jason Myers' 56-yard field goal with 18 seconds left secured the win for Seattle.
"Rivers really impressed me," Mike Macdonald said. "I don't think we sensed a bit of fear in him, although there was a pretty noticeable smell of mothballs surrounding him."
The Rams beat the visiting Lions 41-34 at SoFi Stadium. Matthew Stafford passed for 368 yards and 2 touchdowns, and Puka Nacua collected 9 receptions for 181 yards.
"Even though we gave up 338 yards and 3 TD passes to Jared Goff," Sean McVay said, "I think we had a good game plan to win the game. And I think Jared can appreciate that we devised the whole scheme completely without his knowledge."
Seahawks win, 28-27.
Green Bay @ Chicago (+1)
The Bears crushed the visiting Browns 31-3 in frigid Chicago. Caleb Williams had 2 touchdown passes, and the Chicago defense intercepted Shedeur Sanders 3 times.
"It was cold," Ben Johnson said. "If you know a witch, and you know a well digger, then the temperature was somewhere between that of her tit and his ass. By the way, if you find yourself between a witch's tit and a well digger's ass, then you're 'F'd.'
"It's important that we play a complete game. We failed late in the game in our first game with the Packers. So we have to finish. We certainly don't want to be known as the 'Monsters of the Halfway,' do we?"
The Packers lost 34-26 to the Broncos in Denver, as Bo Nix ripped the Green Bay defense for 4 passing touchdowns. The Packers also lost Micah Parsons for the season with a torn ACL.
"We share a lot of similarities with the Broncos," Matt Lafleur said. "Both teams have a good defense, a versatile quarterback, and a coach that no one likes."
Packers win, 22-20.
Philadelphia @ Washington (+6½)
The Eagles shut out the visiting Raiders 31-0 at Lincoln Financial Field. Jalen Hurts, who struggled in a Monday night loss to the Chargers, had 3 passing touchdowns and had no turnovers.
"Some of Jalen's detractors were saying he was a walking turnover," Nick Sirianni said. "Others were saying that was not completely true ... they were saying he was also a running and throwing turnover.
"But Jalen let his actions speak for him, and I believe his actions said, and I quote, 'STFU.'"
The Commanders beat the Giants 29-21 at MetLife Stadium, as Washington improved to 4-10 on the season.
"This really has been a season to forget," Dan Quinn said. "But that's something that will be hard to do, but that doesn't mean we won't try. I mean, this franchise has tried to erase history before, and we'll probably have to do it again if we acquiesce to pressure from a certain world leader and name our new stadium after said world leader."
Eagles win, 27-18.
Buffalo @ Cleveland (+10)
The Bills overcame a 24-7 halftime deficit and roared back to beat the Patriots 35-31 in Foxboro. The win brought the Bills to within one game of the 11-3 Pats for the lead in the AFC East. Josh Allen had 3 TD passes, and James Cook rushed for 2 scores.
"I know we haven't clinched anything yet," Allen said, "but there's still plenty to celebrate — the Chiefs didn't make the playoffs. So I guess another team will have to shoulder the responsibility of ending our season before the Super Bowl."
The Bears spanked the Browns 31-3 in Chicago, as Shedeur Sanders struggled with 3 interceptions.
"I can't say for sure whether Shedeur is our quarterback of the future," Kevin Stefanski said. "So, where Shedeur is concerned, the jury is still out. There's another quarterback on our roster, and the jury is definitely still in on him."
Bills win, 30-13.
L.A. Chargers @ Dallas (-2)
The Vikings beat the Cowboys 34-26 at AT&T Stadium on Sunday night, dealing Dallas playoff hopes a serious blow. If the Cowboys win their remaining three games, and the Eagles lose all three of their remaining games, Dallas would win the NFC East.
"Our playoff chances are less than 1%," Brian Schottenheimer said. "To put that in terms that Jerry Jones can understand, it's better than the chances of Jerry witnessing another Cowboys' Super Bowl win. And that's if he lives to be 110."
The Chargers beat the Chiefs 16-13 in Kansas City and strengthened their own playoff positioning while eliminating the Chiefs from the postseason. Los Angeles improved to 10-4, and is just one game behind the 11-3 Broncos in the AFC West.
"I guess you could say we 'slayed the dragon,'" Jim Harbaugh said. "In this case, the dragon didn't breathe any fire, couldn't fly, was about the size of a bluebird, and was only marginally better than the Raiders.
"It's gonna be a lot of fun to go into Dallas and see the disappointment on Jerry Jones' face when we beat the Cowboys. I guess you can see disappointment on Jerry's face anytime, because that's been his only expression for the last 30 years. I'm glad we don't have an owner like Jerry. And I literally don't know who owns the Chargers."
Chargers win, 27-24.
Kansas City @ Tennessee (+3)
The Chiefs' postseason hopes vanished in a tough 16-13 home loss to the Chargers. Patrick Mahomes left the game late in the fourth quarter with a left knee injury and is out for the season.
"That loss was a stake in the heart to our playoff chances," Andy Reid said. "I'm no vampire, but I still hate stakes through the heart. But I sure do love a steak through my digestive tract.
"A lot of people think that just because we're out of the playoffs means we're not going to try and win. Nothing could be closer to the truth. I think now is a good time to test our roster and give some playing time to some younger players. Unfortunately, we don't have any."
Chiefs win, 28-13.
NY Jets @ New Orleans (-4½)
The Jaguars wiped out the Jets 48-20 in Jacksonville, handing New York its 11th loss in 14 games this season.
"We gave up 5 passing touchdowns to Trevor Lawrence," Aaron Glenn said. "That's hideous. Our defense was just awful. They looked totally outmatched out there. If I had to give them a letter grade, it would be worse than an 'F;' it would be a 'JV.'
"And that's why I had to fire defensive coordinator Steve Wilks. I told him, 'Steve, I want you to take the fall. And go ahead and take the winter, too.'"
Saints win, 24-14.
Minnesota @ NY Giants (+3)
J.J. McCarthy passed for 2 touchdowns and ran for another as the Vikings beat the Cowboys 34-26 on Sunday night in Dallas.
"J.J. completed just 15-of-24 passes," Kevin O'Connell said. "J.J. might not be the most accurate passer in the NFL. And that's according to Justin Jefferson."
The Giants couldn't overcome a slow start and lost 29-21 to the visiting Commanders. New York has now lost eight in a row, with their last win coming on October 9th, a 34-17 win over the Eagles.
"If nothing else," Mike Kafka said, "we've found our quarterback of the future in Jaxson Dart. And he's becoming more comfortable in that position with each game. Jaxson knows the playbook like the back of his hand, or the inside of a blue tent."
Giants win, 27-24.
Tampa Bay @ Carolina (+3)
The Buccaneers blew a 28-14 fourth-quarter lead and eventually lost 29-28 to the visiting Falcons on Thursday night.
"You just can't blow double-digit leads in the NFL," Todd Bowles said. "But you can drop double-digit F-bombs in the post-race press conference in the NFL. Most press conferences are Q&A sessions; mine was a Q&F session."
With a chance to take sole possession of the NFC South lead, the Panthers failed in a 20-17 loss to the Saints. A roughing the passer penalty committed by Carolina set up the Saints' game-winning field goal.
"We're not going to point fingers," Dave Canales said, "because we don't need to; the officials already did when they announced the penalty and the jersey number of the guilty player."
Panthers win, 24-21.
New England @ Baltimore (-3)
The Patriots started fast but couldn't close the deal, allowing the Bills to erase a 24-7 halftime deficit in an eventual 35-31 Buffalo win at Gillette Stadium.
"We played one good half of football," Mike Vrabel said. "The other half, not so much. So, for the whole game, we were 'half ass.'"
The Ravens shut out the Bengals 24-0 in Cincinnati. Baltimore controlled the game on the ground, and Lamar Jackson passed for 2 touchdowns.
"If a defense like ours," John Harbaugh said, "can shutout an offense like the Bengals,' then you know Joe Burrow has checked out. I think Joe wants to play for a contender. More importantly, though, he wants to play for a coach who isn't Zac Taylor."
Patriots win, 27-24.
Jacksonville @ Denver (-3)
Bo Nix tossed 4 touchdowns as the Broncos beat the visiting Packers 34-26. Denver improved to 12-2 and currently holds the AFC's No. 1 seed.
"We really need to bring the pressure on Trevor Lawrence," Sean Payton said. "I don't want Lawrence to be comfortable in the pocket. I think the best way to do that is to make Lawrence think that someone might receive a gift or monetary award for slightly or severely injuring him.
"I've been told I shouldn't say that word that begins with a 'B' and ends with a 'Y.' But I can say 'Bunny,' and I'm offering a large bunny to any of my players that knocks Lawrence out of the game."
Broncos win, 27-20.Atlanta @ Arizona (+2½)
Kirk Cousins passed for 373 yards and 3 touchdowns, and Zane Gonzalez kicked the game-winning field goal as time expired, as the Falcons upset the Buccaneers 29-28 on Thursday night.
"Kirk played his best game all year," Raheem Morris said. "I told him 'I like that.' I also told him 'I'd like that more often than once a year.'
"This is an 'A+' matchup, but only because there is more than one team whose home begins with 'A.'"
The Texans were just too much for the visiting Cardinals in a 40-20 Arizona loss in Houston. Trey McBride had 12 receptions for 134 yards and 2 touchdowns, but it wasn't enough as the Cardinals lost their sixth straight.
"Trey is having by far his best season," Jonathan Gannon said. "He leads the NFL two categories: number of receptions, and number of prayers asking God to never let Kyler Murray play for the Cardinals again."
Cardinals win, 29-27.
Pittsburgh @ Detroit (-7)
Aaron Rodgers passed for 2 touchdowns and the Steelers easily beat the visiting Dolphins 28-15, Pittsburgh's second consecutive win.
"Some Pittsburgh fans might be saying ''F' Mike Tomlin," Rodgers said. "But they're not saying what you think. They're saying 'Fine, Mike Tomlin,' which is what a fan base says when they're satisfied with just a winning record and nothing else."
Lions win, 31-28.
Las Vegas @ Houston (-14)
The Raiders generated only 110 yards of total offense, and the Vegas defense was as equally ineffective, in a 31-0 loss to the Eagles in Philadelphia.
"To use the word 'generate' there," Pete Carroll said, "is an affront to the word 'generate.' When I told my guys before the game 'I want you to give me 110,' I meant percent, not yards."
Texans win, 30-10.
Cincinnati @ Miami (+4)
The Dolphins lost 28-15 to the Steelers in Pittsburgh on Monday night. The loss eliminated Miami from playoff contention.
"I believe it also eliminated many of us from 'being in Miami next year' contention," Mike McDaniel said.
"I don't shy away from responsibility. I think most of our problems are my fault. But if I'm guilty of anything else, it's caring about my players. If I'm guilty of anything else, it's revealing too much leg on the sidelines. Hey, I love my team, but I love capri pants more."
Bengals win, 23-20.
San Francisco @ Indianapolis (+6)
The Colts nearly pulled off the improbable: beating the Seahawks in Seattle with 44-year-old Philip Rivers running the show at quarterback for the Colts. But Jason Myers' 56-field goal with 18 seconds left trumped Blake Grupe's 60-yard FG earlier, and the Colts left with an 18-16 loss.
"Phillip did a tremendous job," Shane Steichen said, "and will be starting on Monday night. If Philip does what I hope he does, which is lead this team to a Super Bowl win, then he'll deserve to have his Colts' jersey draped in the rafters at Lucas Oil Stadium. I guess that would be called being 'hung like a horse.'"
Colts win, 25-23.
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