Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Dallas @ Washington (+6)
The Eagles vanquished the Commanders 29-18 on Saturday night at Northwest Stadium. Marcus Mariota left the game in the third quarter with a hand injury, and Philly pulled away to drop Washington to 4-11.
"It has been a really tough year for us," Dan Quinn said. "But with all the injuries we've suffered, I think it's safe to say we'll be forgiven. Actually, more than likely, we'll be pardoned. And when people in the future read the story of our 2025 season, I can only hope that it's heavily redacted."
The Cowboys were shut out in the second half in a 34-17 loss to the visiting Chargers at AT&T Stadium.
"I thought we were in a good position down just 21-17 at the half," Brian Schottenheimer said. "Mentally, we were locked in. Apparently though, we were 'zeroed in' in the worst way possible.
"We were officially eliminated from playoff contention. And since Jerry Jones owns this team, we were unofficially eliminated back in early September."
Cowboys win, 27-23.
Detroit @ Minnesota (+5½)
The Vikings beat the Giants 16-13 at MetLife Stadium, powered by a defense that held Jaxson Dart to just 33 yards passing.
"J.J. McCarthy injured his throwing hand," Kevin O'Connell said. "To those who look at his completion percentage and think he may be throwing with his off hand, his throwing hand is his right hand.
"Justin Jefferson had one of his best games of the year. But otherwise, he's had a very disappointing season. I really can't say why Justin has had such a crappy season. Now, if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say it might have something to do with J.J. McCarthy being selected to the Pro Bowl, as a defensive back."
The Steelers out-gained the Lions 230-15 on the ground, and the Steelers survived a furious Lions' rally to win 29-24 in Detroit. Detroit's slim playoff hopes hinge on winning their final two games and the Packers losing their final two games.
"We're 'F'd,'" Dan Campbell said. "By that, I mean our playoff hopes are 'futile.'
"Despite our failures and disappointment, I don't think I have to worry about losing my job. Now, what might be in serious jeopardy is my Appleby's gig."
Lions win, 27-24.
Denver @ Kansas City (+11½)
The Broncos' 11-game winning streak came crashing to an end in a 34-20 loss to the visiting Jaguars. Trevor Lawrence passed for 279 yards and 3 touchdowns, and also added a rushing score.
"That was a lesson in humility," Sean Payton said. "I want everybody on this team to go home and reflect on what they did wrong. The NFL once made me do that for a whole year."
The Titans whipped the injury-depleted Chiefs 26-9 in Kansas City. Tennessee out-gained the Chiefs 376 to 133. Backup quarterback Gardner Minshew suffered a torn ACL early in the game, and third-string QB Chris Oladokun completed the game for K.C.
"Patrick Mahomes has already started his rehab," Andy Reid said. "And he expects to be ready for the start of the 2026 season. All I can say to Patrick is 'no rush.' Of course, he already knew that when he looked at our offense."
Broncos win, 24-11.
Arizona @ Cincinnati (-4)
The Bengals crushed the Dolphins 45-21 at Hard Rock Stadium, led by Joe Burrow, who passed for 4 touchdowns, and Chase Brown, who had 3 total TDs.
"I've said on a number of occasions that I wasn't having fun," Joe Burrow said. "But I had fun in Miami. If I could play a bad team that's quit on their head coach every week, it would always be fun."
Bengals win, 28-20.
Baltimore @ Green Bay (-2½)
Jordan Love was knocked out of the game in the second quarter with a concussion, and the Packers blew a 10-point lead in the fourth quarter in an eventual 22-16 overtime loss to the Bears in Chicago.
"You gotta hand it to the Bears," Matt Lafleur said, "because we did. We gave up a successful onside kick, for Christ's sake.
"Some people predicted at the start of the season that this game would be a Super Bowl preview. At best, they were half right. At worst, they were doubly wrong."
The Ravens blew an 11-point lead in the fourth quarter and lost 28-24 to Drake Maye and the Patriots on Monday night. Lamar Jackson left the game early with a back injury, and will not play against the Packers.
"The AFC North may be the most competitive division in the NFL," John Harbaugh said. "On any given day, any team in the North could beat any other North team. On any given day in the playoffs, any team in the North could lose to the AFC's No. 5 seed."
Packers win, 28-23.NY Giants @ Las Vegas (-1½)
The Giants managed only 161 yards of total offense in an ugly 16-13 to the visiting Vikings at MetLife Stadium. Jaxson Dart completed only 7-of-13 passes for 33 yards.
"Sometimes," Mike Kafka said, "Jaxson looks like he's mastered the A-B-C's of quarterbacking. Other times, it looks like he can't say his A-B-Cs.
"I want my team to go out and play angry. If they don't understand how to do that, I suggest they look at my eyebrows, and play like that."
The Raiders nearly upset the Texans in Houston, but came up short in a 23-21 loss. Ashton Jeanty had 188 total yards and 2 touchdowns to lead the Las Vegas charge.
"That's exactly why we selected Ashton in the first round," Pete Carroll said. "And it only took three months for him to prove us right.
"We're 2-13, so we're in play for the No. 1 pick in the 2026 draft. But I've got a feeling, come April, the only 'draft' I'll be worrying about is the one that makes me put on my long johns and some wool socks."
Raiders win, 23-17.
Houston @ L.A. Chargers (-2)
The Texans nipped the visiting Raiders 23-21 at NRG Field in a surprisingly competitive game. The Raiders out-gained the Texans, but Houston did just enough to secure their seventh straight win.
"Our defense gave up some big plays," DeMeco Ryans said. "They also made some big plays. And if our defense isn't making or giving up big plays, then you won't see any big plays in a Texans' game."
Houston wins, 20-17.
Seattle @ Carolina (+7)
The Seahawks roared back from a 30-14 fourth quarter deficit to force overtime and eventually stun the Rams 38-37 in overtime in Seattle on Thursday night. Sam Darnold overcame a miserable first half to throw 2 touchdown passes, and connected with tight end Eric Saubert for the game-winning 2-point conversion.
"Sam's overcome miserable halves before," Mike MacDonald. "Sometimes, those halves were back to back.
"Sam used to play for the Panthers, and this is his first time back since becoming a Seahawk. He's really looking forward to going back, but only because he gets to leave."
The Panthers beat the visiting Buccaneers 23-20 and took sole possession of first place in the NFC South. Bryce Young passed for 2 touchdowns and Lathan Ramson's interception of Baker Mayfield sealed the win for Carolina.
"It wasn't easy beating Mayfield and the Bucs," Young said, "but we did it. That was the hard part. As they say, 'It's all downhill from here.' That doesn't sound good now that I've said it.
"Cam Newton was really upset that the Colts didn't call him first before contacting Phillip Rivers. My guess is they actually did call Cam, but, as was the case when Cam fumbled in Super Bowl 50, he was afraid to 'pick up.'"
Seahawks win, 27-17.
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland (+4)
The Bills beat the Browns 23-20 in Cleveland, handing the Browns their fourth consecutive loss.
"Shedeur Sanders injured his right pinkie finger in the second quarter," Kevin Stefanski said. "It was a minor injury, but fairly painful, and that's why you likely heard him utter a 'pinkie swear.'
"On the bright side, Myles Garrett is a sack away from breaking the single-season sack record owned by Michael Strahan and T.J. Watt. It would only be fitting if Aaron Rodgers could do what Brett Favre did, and laid down for Myles to get that record-breaking sack, then to top off the Favre connection, committed massive welfare fraud to build a volleyball complex."
The Steelers dominated on the ground, rushing for 230 yards, including a pair of 45-yard TD runs by Jaylen Warren, as Pittsburgh knocked off the Lions 29-24 at Ford Field. The Steelers are 9-6 and hold a two-game lead over the Ravens atop the AFC North.
"Our rushing attack is clicking," Mike Tomlin said, "and Aaron Rodgers is looking like the Rodgers of old. I would say Aaron has apparently found the fountain of youth, but I would think he'd have some dumb reason not to drink from it."
Steelers win, 20-17.
New Orleans @ Tennessee (+2½)
The Saints overwhelmed the visiting Jets 29-6 at Caesars Superdome. The New Orleans' defense sacked Brady Cook 8 times and forced two Cook turnovers.
"Sean Payton and Gregg Williams would be proud of that defensive effort," Kellen Moore, "and jealous that defensive coordinator Brandon Staley got his defense to do it without paying them anything beyond their regular salary.
"This is going to be a team to watch next season, exclusively on local television, because there's no way we get a national game."
The Titans spanked the Chiefs 26-9 in Kansas City. Cam Ward was an efficient 21-for-28 for 228 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"I was really hoping to face Patrick Mahomes," Ward said, "and measure myself against the best. Instead, I got to face the Chiefs and call myself 'the best.'"
Titans win, 23-20.
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (+7)
Despite Philip Rivers' best effort, the Colts couldn't keep up with the potent 49ers' offense and lost 48-27 on Monday night at Lucas Oil Stadium. While not officially out of playoff contention, Indy's playoff chances stand at a paltry 3%.
"Philip is doing things no one thought possible," Shane Steichen said. "Philip is older than 14 NFL head coaches, and has more children than all of them combined."
Jaguars win, 27-22.
Tampa Bay @ Miami (+5½)
The Bengals demolished the Dolphins 45-21 at Hard Rock Stadium, as Quinn Ewers struggled mightily at quarterback after starting for the benched Tua Tagovailoa.
"This is really a low point of my coaching career," Mike McDaniel said. "Notice I said 'a' low point and not 'the' low point, because I believe 'the' low point is yet to come."
Dolphins win, 23-20.
New England @ NY Jets (+13½)
The Jets fell to 3-12 after a 29-6 loss to the Saints in Caesars Superdome. Quarterback Brady Cook was sacked 8 times and had 2 turnovers, as the Jets fell to 3-12.
"Brady is out there doing his best," Aaron Glenn said. "And it shows.
"But he's still getting the start against the Patriots. And I've really simplified the game plan for him. Simplified it down to just three words: 'No 'Butt Fumble.'"
Patriots win, 31-13.
Philadelphia @ Buffalo (-1½)
The Bills beat the Browns 23-20 in the Dawg Pound, led by James Cook, who amassed 117 yards and 2 touchdowns on the ground.
"When James has a game like this," Sean McDermott said, "it takes so much of the pressure off of Josh Allen. We don't want Josh to have to do everything. We'd rather Josh not have to put on a cape. Now, it's okay if he wants to wear a cloak, or a poncho, or a wrap, or a shawl, or an afgan, but not the cape.
"This could very well be a Super Bowl LX preview. If it is, then the Eagles are guaranteed to win."
The Eagles beat the Commanders 29-18 in D.C. on Saturday, and Philly clinched the NFC East division crown for the second straight season. Jalen Hurts had 2 TD passes and Saquon Barkley rushed for 132 yards and a touchdown.
"Things got a little chippy at the end of the game," Nick Sirianni said, "when we went for a two-point conversion up 17 with about four minutes left. The Commanders weren't happy about it. I suggest they save their anger for Week 18, when they can express their displeasure to our backup players."
Bills win, 27-24.
Chicago @ San Francisco (-3)
Caleb Williams' 46-yard TD strike to DJ Moore in overtime gave the Bears a come-from-behind 22-16 win over the visiting Packers. The 11-4 Bears have a 1½-game lead over the 9-5-1 Packers, and Chicago can clinch the NFC North with a win over the 49ers.
"That's two awkward handshakes with Matt Lafleur in the last two weeks," Ben Johnson said. "Although this latest one was way less awkward for me than the first one."
Bears win, 31-27.
L.A. Rams @ Atlanta (+9)
The Rams blew a 16-point fourth-quarter lead and eventually lost 38-37 in overtime to the Seahawks on Thursday night. It was a crucial loss for the Rams, as Seattle assumed the No. 1 seed in the NFC standings, while L.A. fell to No. 5.
"This one's gonna sting for a while," Sean McVay said. "Until we realize the No. 5 seed is not that bad."
The Falcons beat the Cardinals 26-19 at State Farm Stadium. Atlanta piled up 152 yards on the ground, and Kirk Cousins had 2 touchdown passes, as well as a rushing score.
"If you witness a Kirk rushing score," Raheem Morris said, "you know you've seen something. Kirk's not the fastest guy in the world, or state, or city, or building, or room, or even in his own family, but he knows how to break the plane. Now, he doesn't know how to 'break the plain' when it comes to fashion. Kirk is a 37-year-old white man, and dresses like one."
Rams win, 30-23.
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