Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
L.A. Rams @ Carolina (+10)
The Rams stomped the visiting Cardinals 37-20 at SoFi Stadium and will enter the playoffs as the NFC's No. 5 seed.
"Losing to the Falcons in Week 18 left a bad taste in our mouth," Sean McVay said. "That's not a good feeling. Trust me, when you go through life, in football or otherwise, you certainly want to minimize the times you say, 'Get that out of my mouth.'"
The Panthers lost 16-14 to the Buccaneers in a sloppy Saturday afternoon game at rainy Raymond James Stadium. Despite the loss, Carolina clinched the NFC South on Sunday when the Falcons beat the Saints.
"It's a shame that one of these teams is home for the playoffs," Dave Canales said. "It's a bigger shame that one of these teams is in the playoffs."
Rams win, 28-20.
Green Bay @ Chicago (+1)
The Packers sat a majority of their starters and lost 16-3 to the Vikings at US Bank Stadium. Green Bay was already locked into the NFC's No. 7 seed, and will travel to Soldier Field to face the Bears.
"I think I made the right call," Matt Lafleur said. "Sure, we've now lost four in a row, but resting our starters gives us a chance to get our 'sit' together.
"Jordan Love is ailing a bit, but he's doing everything possible to play, and that includes wrapping himself head to toe in Copper Fit products, on the advice of a mysterious 'Dr.' Brett Favre."
With a chance to acquire the NFC's No. 2 seed with a win over the Lions, the Bears fell behind 16-0 at home and lost 19-16. Ultimately, the Eagles lost and the Bears fell into the No. 2 seed.
"Were we totally unprepared to play?" Ben Johnson said. "Does a bear crap in the woods? And apparently, Bears 'S' the bed at Soldier Field.
"But we'll get things cleaned up, because that is a lot of bear poop I just discussed. If you don't like to be around someone talking about bear poop, I suggest you 'scat.' Someone should insert a 'Dude Wipes' promo at this very spot."
Packers win, 24-23.
Buffalo @ Jacksonville (-1½)
The Jaguars crushed the visiting Titans 41-7 and clinched the AFC South crown. Trevor Lawrence tossed 3 touchdown passes, and Cam Little kicked a 67-yard field goal, and now has the two longest field goals in NFL history.
"We're the team no one wants to play," Liam Coen said. "We challenge any AFC team to come on down to EverBank Stadium, home of the Jags, home of the north end zone pool, and home of various water-borne diseases, for a playoff game."
Mitch Trubisky passed for 259 yards and 4 touchdowns, as the Bills walloped the visiting Jets 35-8. Buffalo is the AFC's No. 7 seed and will face the No. 2 Jaguars.
"Mitch really lit up the Jets," Sean McDermott said. "I truly believe he could start for any team in this league ... if it's Week 18 and your starting QB needs a rest, and the game is relatively meaningless.
"The Jaguars may be the hottest team in the NFL right now. But we like our path in the playoffs, because when I look at the bracket, I see no possible way we could face the Chiefs."
Bills win, 29-27.
San Francisco @ Philadelphia (-3)
The 49ers lost 13-3 at home to the Seahawks in a battle for the NFC's No. 1 seed. San Francisco is the No. 6 seed and will face the Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field.
"If we learned anything," Kyle Shanahan said, "it's that the Seahawks defense is really, really good, and the Bears' defense is really, really bad.
"We couldn't even force Sam Darnold into a single turnover. When Darnold looked at our defense, he didn't see ghosts, but he did see right through it."
The Eagles rested many of their starters and lost 24-17 to the visiting Commanders. A win would have given Philly the NFC's No. 2 seed after the Bears lost to the Lions.
"I stand by my decision to rest players," Nick Sirianni said. "That's an out of the way to say 'I was wrong.' But if I had it to do over, I wouldn't change a thing, except for my choices.
"I know our fans will be primed come kickoff. Say what you will about our fans, but they are fair; they'll boo the home and away teams with equal passion. By 'equal passion,' I mean 'the vilest of language, gestures, and tossed projectiles.'"
Eagles win, 21-16.
L.A. Chargers @ New England (-3½)
The Patriots smashed the Dolphins 38-10 at Gillette Stadium and will be the AFC's No. 2 seed as AFC East champions.
"A lot of people are saying we had the easiest schedule in the NFL," Mike Vrabel said. "That schedule would have looked even easier had we not lost to the Raiders, the worst team in the league, in Week 1."
The Chargers lost 19-3 to the Broncos in Denver. Los Angeles sat most of their starters, including quarterback Justin Herbert.
"We had nothing to gain with a win," Jim Harbaugh said, "so I rested most of our starters. I called Trey Lance 'The Janitor,' because he was on mop-up duty full-time for that game.
"For an indoor team, a game in Foxboro in January will be tough. But not for me. I'll feel right at home at Gillette Stadium, because there's been so much cheating there over the last two decades, it'll be like the sidelines are calling my name."
Chargers win, 26-22.
Houston @ Pittsburgh (+3)
The Texans beat the visiting Colts 38-30 and secured the AFC's No. 5 seed, as AFC South rival Jacksonville clinched the division.
"They say 'Defense wins championships,'" DeMeco Ryans said. "Is that actually true? Because our defense couldn't even win the AFC South.
"Don't get me wrong — I know our defense is great. I'm just trying to motivate them to be better. To be specific, better than the defense that just gave up 30 points to Riley Leonard and the Colts. To be fair, we didn't have a lot of tape on Leonard. On the other hand, there's lots of tape on Aaron Rodgers, most of it in VHS format. In other words, he's old."
Tyler Loop's 44-yard field goal attempt sailed wide right as time expired, and the Steelers escaped with a 26-24 win over the Ravens on Sunday night in Pittsburgh. The win gave Pittsburgh the AFC North crown and a home date with the No. 5-seeded Texans.
"I don't know exactly where that ball landed," Mike Tomlin said, "but John Harbaugh got kicked to the curb.
"We'd love nothing more than to win the whole thing and put an exclamation point on Aaron Rodgers' career. It would be awesome to see a Super Bowl-winning Rodgers ride off into the sunset, which I assume you can head in any direction and reach on a flat Earth."
Texans win, 22-19.
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