Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Buffalo @ Denver (even)
Josh Allen rushed for 2 scores and passed for another to lead the Bills to a 27-24 win over the Jaguars in Jacksonville. Allen's 1-yard QB sneak with 1:04 left in the fourth quarter gave Buffalo the winning points.
"Josh played incredibly well," Sean McDermott said. "His play was otherworldly. My eyes may have deceived me, but I thought I saw Josh levitate and float 10 yards towards the end zone in the fourth quarter. I was ready to find religion, then I was told one of our offensive lineman just picked Josh up and carried him.
"Josh took a real beating in that game. But he put this entire team on his back, as he's done so many times before. How he doesn't have a hernia is a total mystery to me."
The No. 1-seeded Broncos enjoyed a first-round bye and will face the Bills on Saturday afternoon.
"I understand the early spread had the Bills favored," Sean Payton said. "That's insulting. I'm of good mind to find out who those odds makers are, talk to my good friend Gregg Williams, and put a large bounty on those spreads.
"Bo Nix is incredibly excited to play in his first divisional round game. Bo has been preparing for this game since he was a 12-year-old boy, when he had the same haircut he does now."
Bills win, 26-25.
San Francisco @ Seattle (-7½)
The 49ers upset the Eagles 23-19 at Lincoln Financial Field, led by Christian McCaffrey's 2 touchdown catches, to earn a trip to the divisional round, and another shot at NFC West rival Seattle.
"That's a really good Philadelphia defense," Kyle Shanahan said. "But we imposed our will on them. On the other hand, the Eagles' offense didn't impose much of anything on anyone, except the need of their fans to boo them.
"I hear the Eagles fired offensive coordinator Kevin Patullo after the loss. I'm sure A.J. Brown was devastated. Brown must be a reptile, because he's got 'alligator arms' and sheds 'crocodile tears.'"
The top-seeded Seahawks split with the 49ers in the regular season, with their win a 13-3 win over San Fran in Week 18 that secured the NFC's No. 1 seed.
"The 49ers/Seahawks rivalry is one of the most intense in the NFL," Mike MacDonald said. "If you don't believe me, ask Richard Sherman. If that doesn't convince you, then ask Richard Sherman — about Michael Crabtree. Particularly, ask him where the hell Crabtree is.
"Sam Darnold is so ready to make a name for himself in the playoffs. Preferably one that isn't 'Sam Darnold.'"
Seahawks win, 20-17.
L.A. Rams @ Chicago (+3½)
The Bears stormed back from a 21-3 halftime deficit to knock off the Packers 31-27 at Soldier Field on Saturday night. Caleb Williams passed for 362 yards and 2 touchdowns, as Chicago dropped 25 fourth quarter-points on Green Bay.
"We played great in the second half," Ben Johnson said. "I grade us with an 'A.' If I had to give Green Bay a letter grade, I guess I'd have to say ''F' the Packers.'
"When he's not throwing passes into the grass, Caleb is making some of the most spectacular plays ever seen from an NFL quarterback. We call him 'half and half,' and it's got nothing to do with his complexion, and everything to do with his completion percentage."
The Rams outlasted the Panthers in Charlotte and came away with a dramatic 34-31 win to advance to the divisional round. Matthew Stafford struggled at times, but finished with 304 yards passing and 3 touchdowns.
"The Panthers are deceptively good," Sean McVay said. "And I have no problem saying that, because the alternative is calling us 'heavily overrated.'
"Matthew is dealing with a sprain on the index finger of his throwing hand. Surprisingly though, it's just the 11th most-talked about finger in the Rams/Bears matchup, just behind all 10 of Caleb Williams' fingers, the fingernails of which are all painted, which for some reason threatens certain men and their tiny packages."
Rams win, 28-26.
Houston @ New England (-3½)
The Patriots' defense terrorized Justin Herbert, sacking him 6 times, and held the Chargers to just 207 total yards in a dominant 16-3 Patriots win at Gillette Stadium.
"I think we did a fantastic job of scouting the Chargers offense," Mike Vrabel said, "by playing the Jets twice this year.
"What this team may lack in playoff experience, we make up for in youthful exuberance. I've got a team full of 20-somethings, and I tell them what to do. That's opposed to having one 20-something who tells me what to do."
The Texans' defense dominated in a 30-6 win over Aaron Rodgers and the Steelers in Pittsburgh on Monday night. The Houston D more than compensated for 3 C.J. Stroud turnovers with 2 forced turnovers, both of which were returned for touchdowns.
"No quarterback wants to see our defense on the field," DeMeco Ryans said. "That is, except for C.J.
"We made Rodgers and the Steelers' offense look pretty inept. I guess the 'standard' that Mike Tomlin likes to talk about is well below the standard."
Texans win, 22-16.
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