Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
New England @ Denver (+5)
The Broncos took a dramatic 33-30 overtime win over the visiting Bills, avenging last year's wild card loss in Buffalo. Will Lutz kicked a 23-yard field goal with 4:44 left in overtime to give Denver the win. Bo Nix suffered an ankle fracture in OT that knocked him out for the remainder of the playoffs.
"We're on our way to the AFC championship," Sean Payton said. "I guess if you asked the Bills about it, they would say 'It's official.'
"We were aided by some calls that went our way. By 'some' I mean 'all.' I've been in this league a long time, and in addition to some extra payouts to players, I've also greased the palms of a few officials. But let's keep that on the 'DL,' and the 'PI.'
"Jarrett Stidham will take over for Bo, and I've got all the confidence in the world in Jarrett. Confidence in what I'd rather not say. Jarrett hasn't thrown a pass in a real NFL game since 2023. Ideally, we'd like that to remain the case, but I don't think we have the running game to pull that off. Not to reveal our game plan, but I think you can expect a lot of screen passes, quick outs, and seeing me with that dumb look on my face I show when I'm displeased with my quarterback."
The Patriots intercepted C.J. Stroud 4 times, all in the first half, and Drake Maye tossed 3 touchdown passes, as New England beat the Texans 28-16 at Gillette Stadium.
"We knew going into the game," Mike Vrabel said, "that we needed to get inside Stroud's head. And we did. Before it was all said and done, we knew exactly what was going on in his head. You could say we 'picked' his brain.
"I know we're favored against the Broncos, but I feel like this game will be like a C.J. Stroud pass — a toss-up. As far as who will be the Texans' quarterback next season, it's also like a C.J. Stroud pass — up for grabs."
Patriots win, 26-16.
L.A. Rams @ Seattle (-3)
The Seahawks demolished the 49ers 41-6 at Lumen Field to advance to their first NFC championship game since the 2014 season. Rashid Shaheed returned the opening kickoff 95 yards for a touchdown, and Kenneth Walker III scored 3 rushing TDs.
"I think we left no doubt," Mike MacDonald said, "that we didn't want to rely on Sam Darnold to win the game for us.
"Don't get me wrong. If we need to throw the ball, Sam has the green light. In fact, we might just come out throwing and surprise everyone, including Sam.
"I see that John Harbaugh signed a five-year/$100 million contract to be the head coach of the Giants. That signing sent shockwaves through the NFL, and likely through Jackson Dart's brain."
Harrison Mevis' 42-yard field goal with 3:19 left in overtime sent the Rams to the NFC championship game, as L.A. toppled the Bears 20-17 at Soldier Field.
"It wasn't pretty," Sean McVay said. "In fact, it was downright sloppy. I'm talking, of course, about the officiating in some of the games of the divisional round. I'm married to a supermodel, and now I'm not so sure whether or not I should call my wife a 'catch.'
"As for the Seahawks, we have to get off to a fast start. It's important to quiet that home crowd. When the '12s' get loud, it's really hard to hear yourself think. And I'm sure former Seahawks' great, censors nightmare, and four-letter word aficionado Marshawn Lynch will be in attendance to stir the pot. Marshawn puts the 'F' in 'FCC,' and the 'F' in pretty much every sentence."
Rams win, 27-24.
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