Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
New England vs. Seattle (-5)
The Patriots outlasted the Broncos 10-7 in a defensive slugfest and are off to the franchise's 12th Super Bowl, where they will face the Seahawks. Drake Maye rushed for 65 yards and a touchdown, and New England limited the Jarrett Stidham-led Broncos' offense to just 181 yards of total offense.
"That game will go down in history," Mike Vrabel said. "End of statement.
"Drake won that game with his legs. And that's what really makes him special, his running ability. We really hit the lottery when we got him third in the 2024 draft. And Robert Kraft loves playing the lottery. In fact, scratch-offs are his favorite. He loves buying a scratch off, handing it to a beautiful young lady, and having her rub one out for him.
"Drake is just one win away from being the only the second Patriots quarterback to win a Super Bowl, and also one win away from completing the 'Shaky AFC Playoffs QB Opponents Gauntlet,' which already includes wins over an antsy Justin Herbert, a malfunctioning C.J. Stroud, and Jarrett 'Bo Nox Will Be Getting a Huge Raise After This' Stidham."
Sam Darnold passed for 346 yards and 3 touchdowns to lead the Seahawks past Matthew Stafford and the Rams, 31-27.
"First off," Mike MacDonald said, "congratulations to the Rams for a great year, and a special congratulations to Mike Vrabel and the Patriots, for ensuring that Super Bowl LX would not be a Jarrett Stidham vs. Sam Darnold showdown.
"As for Sam, I think the Vikings are regretting some, if not all, of their recent quarterback decisions. And Sam is grateful for each and every one of those decisions. It may not have seemed like it at the time, but the Vikings did right by him.
"We feel like we have the best receiver in the NFL in Jaxon Smith-Njigba. Of course, he's no Stefon Diggs. And he doesn't want to be. JSN wants his legacy to be what he does on the field; he doesn't want his legacy to be double-digit children, double-digit baby mommas, and a reputation as a perpetually-disgruntled diva."
Bad Bunny takes the stage for the Super Bowl halftime show, marking the first time a former WWE 24/7 champion has ever played a halftime show. BB is joined briefly by Green Day, who opened the Super Bowl festivities, and before the show begins, Bunny and Green Day announce that if anyone would rather not watch for whatever dumb reasons, they are welcome to switch to Newsmax's alternate half-time broadcast, headlined by rock/Latin trap fusion band Good Hare Day.
Seahawks win, 26-22.
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