Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
San Francisco vs. L.A. Rams (-4)
The 49ers start the season at the Melbourne Cricket Ground in Australia, where they'll face the Rams. San Fran will be without head coach Kyle Shanahan, who's still recovering from injuries suffered in a car accident that happened sometime in the last year.
"You'd be surprised how easy it is to lie about the circumstances of a car accident," Shanahan said. "But it was made so much easier by years of lying about Christian McCaffrey's health.
"Some say an electrical substation near Levi's Stadium is causing injuries. Others say a fake hottie at a trailer park in East Palestine, Ohio is causing team owner Jed York's net worth to drop by $140."
The Rams traded for Myles Garrett in the offseason, and the return of Aaron Donald gives the Rams a fearsome defensive front to go along with a potent, Matthew Stafford-led offense.
"I'd say our team should be as unstoppable as Puka Nucua's mouth," Sean McVay said. "Dare I say the only thing Puca should bite in the future is his tongue."
49ers win, 27-24.
Atlanta @ Pittsburgh (-3)
Tua Tagovailoa is set to start the season as the Falcons' quarterback, with Michael Penix, Jr. still not fully recovered from an ACL injury suffered last season.
"And backing those two up is red-headed stepchild QB Cooper Rush," Kevin Stefanski said. "So, if you asked me how many quarterbacks we have, I'd tell you it's the same number of our season wins total set by bookies: 2 and one-half. Keep in mind, I don't count any of our quarterbacks as a full quarterback; they're all like three-fourths of a quarterback."
Mike McCarthy takes over in Pittsburgh after Mike Tomlin was shockingly stepped down in January. He reunites with Aaron Rodgers, who led the Packers to the win in Super Bowl XLV while McCarthy was head coach.
"Coaching Aaron is so easy," Mike McCarthy said. "Because you can't tell him anything he doesn't already know.
"Aaron knows more about everything than anyone. What's the old saying? 'If you think you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.' I'll just say this: if you're in the room with Aaron, you know you're not the dumbest person in the room."
Steelers win, 24-16.
Baltimore @ Indianapolis (+1½)
The Colts' 2025 season collapsed when injuries to Daniel Jones slowed their offense, and Indy lost their final 7 games. Jones is back, and healthy, and the Colts are set to make a run at the AFC South title.
"If a fractured left fibula and torn right Achilles told Daniel anything," Shane Steichen said, "it was what it's like to be as slow as Peyton Manning."
The Ravens missed the playoffs last year with an 8-9 record, and the stunning firing of head coach John Harbaugh followed on January 6th. Chargers defensive coordinator Jesse Minter was hired soon after as head coach.
"I know it's going to be difficult to duplicate what John Harbaugh did here for 18 years," Minter said. "But if we can win the Super Bowl, then I've done it in one year."
Colts win, 27-24.
Buffalo @ Houston (pick)
Josh Allen will again carry the substantial load for the Bills as the franchise looks to reach the mountaintop and win its first Super Bowl championship. They'll have to do it without Sean McDermott, who was fired as head coach in January.
"I'm more than ready," Josh Allen said. "I'm just as used to carrying this team on my back as I am to carrying my balls in a wheelbarrow.
"Although Sean is gone, we have continuity at head coach. Joe Brady takes over at head coach after serving as offensive coordinator for the past two seasons. And continuity is important in this organization. That's why, in all likelihood, we'll continue to not win the Super Bowl."
C.J. Stroud crumbled in the Texans' 28-18 loss to the Patriots in the divisional round with four interceptions. Stroud will have to be better, much better, if Houston is to make a more meaningful playoff push in 2026.
"I have 100% confidence in C.J.," DeMeco Ryans said, "and I say that with 0% conviction, and even less sincerity."
Texans win, 23-21.
Chicago @ Carolina (+2½)
Excitement abounds for optimistic Bears' fans, encouraged by a team that won the NFC North last year and a quarterback in Caleb Williams, considered by many to be the NFL's most exciting quarterback.
"Caleb is on the doorstep of greatness," Ben Johnson said. "My job is to get him over the threshold. If that happens, he will have fulfilled his destiny, which I understand is to appear in a photo shoot wearing a wedding dress."
The Panthers won the NFC South in 2025 with an 8-9 record with tiebreaker edges over the Buccaneers and Falcons.
"We're aiming high," Dave Canales said. "By that, I mean anything above .471.
"Bryce Young had a strong second half of the season. And I expect a great deal of improvement from him this season. I'm not afraid to say that by the end of the 2026 season, people are going to be saying Bryce is the best quarterback ... in the whole 2023 NFL draft."
Bears win, 27-23.
Cleveland @ Jacksonville (-7½)
Head coach Todd Monken pegged Deshaun Watson as starting quarterback on August 24th, handing the veteran the job over second-year QB Shadeur Sanders.
"If anyone is going to 'peg' Deshaun," Monken said, "I'd rather it be me than some unwilling female acquaintance of his. This is the current state of Browns football. A helmet isn't the only thing that gets strapped on."
The Jaguars conquered the AFC South in 2025 but tumbled in the wild card round, losing at home to the Bills.
"If there's one thing Trevor Lawrence gives us at quarterback," Liam Coen said, "it's stability. I don't have to worry about him doing anything foolish or inappropriate. That is, at least until the playoffs begin."
Jaguars win, 29-16.
Tampa Bay @ Cincinnati (-4)
Baker Mayfield did not get the contract extension he'd hoped for from the Buccaneers' front office, and the 2026 season is likely to be his last as a Buccaneer.
"I may not have the natural gifts or charming good looks of a Joe Burrow," Mayfield said, "but I make up for it with grit, determination, and the heavy burden of always playing with a chip on my shoulder. And by the way, a chip on his shoulder means Joe Burrow is out for the season."
A healthy Joe Burrow carries the hopes of the Bengals' 2026 season. Burrow missed nine games in 2025 due to a turf toe injury, but hopes to play a full season in 2026.
"This season." Burrow said, "I'm drawing inspiration from the words of the late, great Jim Valvano. No, not, 'don't ever give up,' but 'survive and advance.' That's what it's like playing behind this offensive line."
Bengals win 26-24.
New Orleans @ Detroit (-4½)
The Lions' 2026 squad should feature plenty of offense, with Jahmyr Gibbs set to lead the way with his unique blend of power and explosiveness. Much uncertainty lies with the defense, however, a unit Dan Campbell knows will need to improve if Detroit is to make a playoff run in the tough NFC North.
"For our defense," Campbell said, "it's all about staying healthy. There's a lot of things our defense doesn't do well; staying healthy is just another one of them."
The Saints finished last in the NFC South last year with a respectable 6-11 record. The emergence of quarterback Tyler Shough in the second half of the season has spawned optimism in New Orleans.
"I'm giving Tyler the green light to turn it loose this season," Moore said. "I don't even want him worrying about mistakes. His motto this year is 'Fough it.'"
Lions win, 28-25.
NY Jets @ Tennessee (-2½)
The Jets finished the 2025 season with a 3-14 record, tied for worst in the NFL. Geno Smith is back in a Jets uniform after a March trade brought him over from the Raiders.
"We want to turn things around and do it for the fans," Aaron Glenn said. "The Jets' fan base may be the most frustrated in the history of the NFL. This franchise would drive a fan to drink, or at least more than they already are drinking, and drive Fireman Ed to self-immolation."
2025 No. 1 pick Cam Ward showed loads of promise in his rookie season, but despite his improvement, it's still going to be tough for the Titans to dig themselves out of the AFC South basement.
"We're going to simplify things," Robert Salah said. "First of all, if we're in the basement, do you even need to dig out? We'll just take the steps."
Titans win, 19-17.
Arizona @ L.A. Chargers (-10)
Mike McDaniel and his tinted glasses are in Los Angeles, where the former Dolphins head coach takes over as offensive coordinator for Jim Harbaugh's Chargers.
"Mike's gonna be a perfect fit here in L.A.," Harbaugh said. "Mike puts the 'OC' in 'cocaine.' Mike is one of the most influential minds in the NFL. Heck, by the end of this season, I wouldn't be surprised if he's convinced me to wear capri pants."
Chargers win, 27-22.
Green Bay @ Minnesota (+3)
Kyler Murray was the Vikings prized free agent acquisition, and Kevin O'Connell hopes the former Cardinals brings some stability to the Minnesota quarterback situation.
"Kyler may only be 5'10,"" O'Connell said, "but he's a giant in our quarterback room. That is, when he stands next to J.J. McCarthy, Carson Wentz, and Max Brosmer."
The Packers lost their final four regular season games last year, then tumbled to the Bears in the wild card round.
"When you crap the bed like that," Matt Lafleur said, "I can promise you it doesn't smell like 'la fleur.'
"I expect Jordan Love to take the next step and put his name up there with Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers, but just without being a grifter and/or an asshole about it."
Vikings win, 23-22.
Miami @ Las Vegas (-3½)
The Dolphins canned Mike McDaniel in January after a 7-10 season, and Tua Tagovailoa was released in March. Jeff Hafley takes over as head coach and former Packer Malik Willis is the Dolphins starter at quarterback.
"I know 'Jeff Hafley' is not a household name," Hafley said. "And the name 'Jeff Hafley' would make more sense if the word 'interim coach' was placed before it."
Raiders win, 27-18.
Washington @ Philadelphia (-5)
Despite winning the NFC East, the Eagles' season seemed more like a failure after a 23-19 wild card home loss to the 49ers. Nick Sirianni hopes new offensive coordinator Sean Mannion can unlock some juice in a Philly offense that was at times stagnant and often lacked imagination.
"You want to talk about yawn-inducing?" Sirianni said. "That was our offense last year. I'm expecting Sean to bring some new life and new ideas to our offense. I'm just glad somebody in Philly can offer us a breath of fresh air without it being tainted by a 12 of Yuengling."
Eagles win, 27-17.
Dallas @ NY Giants (+2½)
The Dallas offense scored plenty in 2025, but the success on that side of the ball was compromised by a defense that ranked 30th in the NFL.
"We pried Christian Parker away from the Eagles to be our defensive coordinator," Brian Schottenheimer said. "Christian learned under the great Vic Fangio in Philly. If Christian can be half as good as Fangio, then our defense should be half as bad as it was last year.
"Jerry Jones' expectations are the same as they are every year. Unreasonable. But Jerry can be happy by tea-bagging himself over the Micah Parson's trade."
Former Ravens head coach John Harbaugh was hired to take over for the Giants on January 20th. Harbaugh inherits a talented, but inconsistent Giants' squad featuring Jaxson Dart, Malik Neighbors, and Cam Skattebo.
"Excitement is at an all-time high," Dart said. "Of course, that was before Coach Harbaugh's introductory speech."
Cowboys win, 31-28.
Denver @ Kansas City (-2½)
The Broncos' hopes of reaching the Super Bowl were dashed when an untimely ankle injury ended Bo Nix's season and prevented him from playing in the conference championship against the Patriots. Jarrett Stidham got the start for Denver, but the Broncos fell, 10-7.
"Oddly enough," Sean Payton said, "Jarrett 'crippled' our offense. But we only lost by three points. So we were this close to winning. Also, I was this close to putting a bounty on Jarrett."
Patrick Mahomes is raring to go after successfully rehabbing from a torn ACL suffered on December 14th. And the Chiefs added a new free agent piece in Super Bowl MVP Kenneth Walker.
"My knee feels great," Mahomes said. "And my right arm has never felt better. I can still sling the ball 70 yards down the field if I need to. But I probably won't. My go-to receiver is Rashee Rice, and he's great at the run after the catch. His police record, however, says he's not good at the run before the catch."
Chiefs win, 24-23.
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