Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Detroit @ Buffalo (-4½)
The Bills held on to claim a 36-31 win over the Texans in Houston. Josh Allen had 4 total touchdowns, including the game-winning TD pass to Joshua Palmer late in the fourth quarter."
"That Houston defense has traditionally had my number," Allen said. "Now I have their letter — it's an 'F.'
"As for the Lions, this game should feature a lot of points. Much like the budget for our new stadium, this game is going 'over.'"
The Lions scraped by with a 31-30 overtime win over the visiting Saints. Amon-Ra St. Brown had 2 TD catches, including the eventual game-winner in overtime.
"If we learned one thing in that game," Dan Campbell said, "it's that the NFL doesn't know what a lateral is. So, the process of making a forward pass that doesn't go forward isn't a lateral?"
Bills win, 35-31.
Carolina @ Atlanta (+1)
The Panthers lost 59-37 to the visiting Bears. Carolina had no answer for the Chicago offense, which piled up 552 yards of total offense. The game was the highest-scoring season-opener in NFL history.
"There were a lot of fans saying 'Your defense sucks!' to me after the game," Dave Canales said. "So many that it started to sound like a broken record."
The Falcons lost 20-13 to the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Third-string quarterback Cooper Rush started after Tua Tagovailoa was scratched late.
"Cooper was thrust into duty with very little notice," Kevin Stefanski said. "He's going to be thrust out of it with even less notice.
"We hope to have Tua and Michael Penix, Jr. both healthy at some point this season. Interesting note: if you combine the talents of Tua and Michael, you'll get a quarterback who can't remember why he's limping."
Falcons win, 24-21.
Minnesota @ Chicago (-5½)
The Bears hung 59 points on the hapless Panthers in a 59-37 Chicago win at Bank of America Stadium. Caleb Williams passed for 2 touchdowns and rushed for 2 others, as the teams set a record for the most points in a season-opener.
"I've already said that we want to score the most points in a season in NFL history," Ben Johnson said. "If my word is not enough to convince our offense to make it happen, then I suggest they take a look at our defense. Now, it seems like it's less a case of wanting to score the most points and more a case of having to."
The Vikings beat the visiting Packers, 39-22. Kyler Murray was knocked out of the game early, and Carson Wentz came to the rescue, tossing 3 touchdown passes.
"It was certainly a heroic effort from Carson," Kevin O'Connell said. "Interestingly enough, he's way more used to wearing a baseball cap than a cape."
Bears win, 27-24.
Philadelphia @ Tennessee (+7)
The Titans couldn't even break 200 yards of total offense in a 23-10 home loss to the Jets. Cam Ward struggled, completing only 19-of-32 passes for 140 yards.
"I think the best thing we can do for Cam is to speed up the offense," Robert Saleh said. "So we're going 'hurry up.' As in, 'hurry up and learn the offense.'"
Eagles win, 26-7.
Pittsburgh @ New England (-5½)
The Steelers beat Cooper Rush and the Falcons 20-13 in a hard-fought battle at Mercedes-Benz Stadium.
"I presented Mike McCarthy with the game ball after the game," Aaron Rodgers said. "Mike and I made a great pair in our 13 years in Green Bay. My memory may be fuzzy, but when we started that relationship, I don't recall Mike telling me he needed to go out and 'F' another guy before we continued."
Drake Maye's end zone interception with 26 seconds left in the game sealed a 13-10 win for the Seahawks on Wednesday night in Seattle. Maye had 3 interceptions in the game, all in the fourth quarter.
"It's no time to panic," Mike Vrabel said. "We're going to go back and look at the tape. Hopefully, there'll be nothing in it that implicates me."
Prior to kickoff, the Gillette Stadium PA system blares Hall and Oates "Family Man," resulting in a confusing situation in which Rodgers and Vrabel can't decide whose theme song is playing.
Patriots win, 24-16.
Green Bay @ NY Jets (+3½)
Breece Hall rushed for 102 yards and a touchdown, as the Jets beat the Titans 23-10 in Nashville.
"It's not often a team earns the privilege of facing the undefeated Jets at MetLife Stadium," Aaron Glenn said. "So the Packers should really thank us, because no other team will have that privilege again this year."
Packers win, 27-21.
Cleveland @ Tampa Bay (-9)
The Buccaneers came up short in a 33-27 loss to the Bengals in Cincinnati. Tampa had 4 lost fumbles, including 3 by Baker Mayfield.
"I have no love lost for the Browns' organization," Mayfield said. "I'm glad I got out of there when I did' is something the Browns' front office never said in negotiations for the trade for Deshaun Watson."
The Jaguars waxed the visiting Browns 34-10 in Jacksonville. Deshaun Watson was sacked 5 times and threw 1 interception in the loss.
"I won't sugarcoat it," Todd Monken said. "Deshaun was terrible. One thing I won't do under any circumstances is massage his ego, no matter how many times he asks."
Buccaneers win, 28-13.
New Orleans @ Baltimore (-9)
Derrick Henry rushed for 144 yards and 3 touchdowns, as the Ravens rolled to a 41-23 win over the Colts in Indianapolis. The three scores vaulted Henry to third on the NFL's all-time rushing TD list, behind only Emmitt Smith and LaDainian Tomlinson.
"They call him 'King Henry' for a reason," Jesse Minter said. "If the Saints think he's not, they'll be overruled."
Ravens win, 34-17.
Cincinnati @ Houston (-3)
The Bengals' defense stood out in a 33-27 win over the visiting Buccaneers. Cincy's unit forced 4 turnovers and sacked Baker Mayfield 4 times.
"All the talk after the game," Zac Taylor said, "was about Al Golden's 'D.' It would be an understatement to say it came up huge. I mean, everyone had nothing but good things to say about them. It was a veritable 'Golden' shower of compliments."
The vaunted Texans' defense couldn't contain Josh Allen and the Bills in a 36-31 Buffalo win over Houston. The Bills piled up over 400 yards of total offense and had no turnovers.
"It's as simple as this," DeMeco Ryans said. "Our defense didn't do its job, and that job is to cover up the shortcomings of C.J. Stroud."
Texans win, 22-20.
Jacksonville @ Denver (-2½)
Trevor Lawrence passed for 4 touchdowns to lead the Jaguars to an easy 34-10 win over Deshaun Watson and the visiting Browns. The Jags' defense forced 2 turnovers and sacked Watson 5 times.
"Our guys were focused," Liam Coen said. "There was no way they were going to let Deshaun Watson beat them. Our defense was on their game all the way through. Talk about finishing the job."
The Broncos were savaged 31-10 by the Chiefs in Kansas City on Monday night.
"We were just sloppy," Sean Payton said. "Apparently, no one on the Chiefs' offense was 'tackle eligible.'"
Jaguars win, 23-20.
Las Vegas @ L.A. Chargers (-7)
The Raiders leaned on the talents of Ashton Jeanty, who rushed for 102 yards and had 2 receiving TDs in a 27-13 win over the visiting Dolphins.
"A lot was made of Ashton's preseason ankle injury," Klint Kubiak said. "Mostly by us. So I guess it was really overblown.
"And Kirk Cousins looked great. And he's a great mentor to our quarterback of the future Fernando Mendoza. When Kirk makes a good play in practice, he points at Fernando and says, 'You. Like that.'"
The Chargers were embarrassed 26-14 at home by the Cardinals.
"I take full responsibility for the way my team played," Jim Harbaugh said. "It doesn't happen like that very often. Not my teams playing like crap; I mean me taking full responsibility for anything."
Chargers win, 27-17.
Washington @ Dallas (-3½)
The Cowboys lost 28-20 to the Giants at MetLife Stadium on Sunday night.
"It wasn't the start we were looking for," Jerry Jones said. "And unfortunately, it bodes well for the ending we're gonna get.
"I truly believe this team is capable of winning the Super Bowl. And I firmly believe in time travel that would take me back to the mid-'90s."
Cowboys win, 28-23.
Seattle @ Arizona (+4)
The Seahawks' defense took charge in the fourth quarter, stifling Drake Maye and the Patriots to eke out a 13-10 win on Wednesday night. Sam Darnold left the game during the first series with a hip injury, and will miss the Arizona game.
"I'm confident placing the keys to our offense in the hands of Drew Lock," Mike Macdonald said. "I'm a little less confident when he takes those keys and throws them."
The Cardinals shocked the heavily favored Chargers 26-14 in Los Angeles, giving new head coach Mike Lafleur a win in his first game in the position. Jacoby Brissett passed for 277 yards and 1 TD.
"Anytime you can stick it to Jim Harbaugh in his khaki pants," Lafleur said, "you've accomplished something. Let me clarify that I don't really know what Harbaugh is packing in his khakis."
Seattle wins, 25-16.
Miami @ San Francisco (-13½)
The 49ers overwhelmed the Rams 27-7 at the Melbourne Cricket Grounds on September 4th in the NFL's first game in Australia. Brock Purdy passed for 3 touchdowns and the 49ers defense held the Rams to under 300 yards of total offense.
"I think the Rams were really jet-lagged," Kyle Shanahan said. "And we were shocked. We were expecting to show up in Australia to face the team that's supposed to be the Super Bowl favorite. I guess it's like showing up at a trailer park expecting to meet a prostitute and finding no prostitute at all."
The Dolphins lost 27-13 to the Raiders in Las Vegas. The Raiders stopped Miami's run game, forcing quarterback Malik Willis to shoulder the load, and he couldn't.
"Everyone knows we're in a rebuilding year," Jeff Hafley said. "So our goals are two-fold this season: 1) to not be the worst team in the AFC East and 2) to not be the worst team in the city of Miami. Go 'Canes."
49ers win, 27-10.
Indianapolis @ Kansas City (-6½)
Derrick Henry trampled the Colts for 3 touchdowns, and Zay Flowers burned them through the air, as the visiting Ravens walloped the Colts, 41-23.
"I want our defense to know that their performance was unacceptable," Shane Steichen said. "So for this week only, we're replacing the image of a horseshoe on their helmets with that of Derrick Henry's shoe."
Chiefs win, 27-23.
NY Giants @ L.A. Rams (-7)
The Rams looked overmatched in a 27-7 loss to the 49ers in Australia. While the 49ers arrived in Melbourne a week before the game, the Rams chose to land roughly 24 hours before game time.
"On the plus side," Sean McVay said, "we did cross a lot of time zones off our bucket list."
Rams win, 27-24.
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