Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Atlanta @ Green Bay (-6½)
The visiting Packers beat the Jets 20-17 in overtime at MetLife Stadium.
"It certainly wasn't a pretty win," Matt Lafleur said. "We made so many mistakes, you could say we shot ourselves in the foot. But that still left us in good standing, because the Jets blasted off both feet. When the Jets go 'shotgun,' it means something entirely different than usual."
The Panthers demolished the visiting Falcons 34-3, sending Atlanta to an 0-2 record. Cooper Rush had 3 turnovers before being benched in the third quarter.
"Cooper Rush and Jack Strand collectively sound like the next hot 'Heated Rivalry' coupling," Kevin Stefanski said. "Hey, I'm a big fan of the happy ending. If these two ride of into the sunset together on waivers, then I'm happy."
Packers win, 27-24.
L.A. Chargers @ Buffalo (-7)
Josh Allen passed for 3 touchdowns and rushed for 2 more, as the Bills beat the Lions 41-31 on Thursday night in Buffalo's brand new Highmark Stadium.
"I hear some of the seats in Highmark have obstructed views," Allen said. "Let me just say that nothing about the Lions' defense even remotely obstructs anything."
The Chargers fell to 0-2, with both losses coming at home, after an ugly 26-14 loss to the visiting Raiders. Justin Herbert threw 2 picks, and fumbled 3 times, although none were lost.
"We have to move forward," Jim Harbaugh said. "As I'm fond of saying, 'Don't look back, somebody might be gaining on you, with sanctions.
"We're just going to forget about those two games. I've definitely heard of 'vacated wins;' I'd like to popularize 'vacated losses.' Some might call that the 'Michigan goodbye.' As far as I'm concerned, we are 0-0."
Bills win, 30-27.
Carolina @ Cleveland (+3)
The Browns upset the Buccaneers 23-19 in Tampa. Deshaun Watson passed for 2 touchdowns, including the game-winning strike to Blake Whiteheart late in the fourth.
"It seems Deshaun has earned himself a second chance. To be clear, just as Browns' quarterback, not in the court of public opinion.
"I guess I'm really going to be forced to have some real tough conversations with my quarterbacks. And that's not going to be fun, because I'd rather not be in a room alone with Deshaun."
The visiting Panthers smashed the Falcons 34-3 at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. The Carolina defense forced 5 turnovers and Bryce Young passed for 3 touchdowns.
"You've heard of a player having his 'Welcome to the NFL moment?'" Dave Canales said. "I think we presented Cooper Rush with his 'Don't let the door hit you on the way out' moment."
Browns win, 23-20.
NY Jets @ Detroit (-6½)
The Lions lost 41-31 to the Bills in Buffalo on Thursday night. Detroit couldn't keep up with the Buffalo offense, as Josh Allen accounted for 5 touchdowns.
"That was the grand opening of Highmark Stadium," Dan Campbell said. "Apparently, our defense is so porous, it has a 'grand' openings."
The Jets squandered a 17-7 fourth quarter lead and eventually lost 20-17 to the Packers in overtime at MetLife Stadium.
"I was the Lions' defensive coordinator for four years," Aaron Glenn said, "so this will be like a homecoming for me. Interestingly enough, if NFL teams had homecomings, the Jets would be the most popular team to schedule for a homecoming."
Lions win, 29-24.
Houston @ Indianapolis (+3)
The Texans fell to 0-2 with a 20-6 loss to the visiting Bengals. C.J. Stroud passed for 353 yards, but the lack of a running attack compromised Houston in the red zone.
"That's what happens when you lack balance on offense," DeMeco Ryans said. "It's not a good sign when your quarterback leads the team in rushing. It's even worse when your QB leads the team in rushing with only three carries."
The Colts lost 33-30 to the Chiefs in overtime on Sunday night and fell to 0-2 on the season.
"This is a game between arguably the two best 0-2 teams in the NFL," Shane Steichen said. "But who's arguing about that? Actually, you know who is arguing about that? Two losers. And those words pretty much describes this matchup."
Texans win, 22-20.
Kansas City @ Miami (+11½)
The Chiefs improved to 2-0 with a 33-30 win over the visiting Colts in overtime. Patrick Mahomes passed for 382 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Patrick has no physical limitations," Andy Reid said, "other than his inability to sound like an adult."
The Dolphins suffered a big 35-13 loss to the 49ers at Levi's Stadium.
"This is just my second game as a head coach," Jeff Hafley said. "And I've already learned two things: 1) coaching isn't easy; and 2) I can't look as cool losing as Mike McDaniel did."
Chiefs win, 34-14.
Tennessee @ NY Giants (-3)
The Titans nearly stunned the visiting Eagles, but Jalen Hurts' 3-yard TD pass to Darius Cooper with nine seconds left shattered the Titans' hopes.
"That's a game we should have won," Robert Saleh said. "And that may be the last one of those we have this year.
"I truly feel Cam Ward will be a great quarterback one day. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like that 'one day' will be a Sunday, Monday, or Thursday."
Giants win, 24-17.
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh (+3½)
The Steelers generated very little offense in a 20-3 loss to the Patriots at Gillette Stadium.
"Our offense is like the off-Broadway version of an offense," Mike McCarthy said, "because it lacks 'big play' ability.
"Aaron Rodgers is being the typical team player. He's taking accountability, and passing it off to others. Aaron's like the RFK, Jr. of quarterbacks, except Aaron's totally qualified for his job."
The Bengals' defense stepped up again, keeping the Texans out of the end zone, to lead Cincy to a 20-6 win over Houston. Joe Burrow and Ja'Marr Chase connected for 2 scores to lead the Bengals' offense.
"This team has all the ingredients of a Super Bowl champion," Zac Taylor said, "except for one."
Bengals win, 26-14.
Seattle @ Washington (+7)
The Seahawks improved to 2-0 with a convincing 31-7 win over the Cardinals in Arizona. Drew Lock and Jaxon Smith-Njigba hooked up for 3 TD scores, including an 82-yard strike in the first quarter.
"I like to call Smith-Njigba the 'Hyphenator,'" Mike Macdonald said, "because no one gets 'separation' quite like him."
The Commanders' 37-20 loss to the Cowboys at AT&T Stadium was costly, as Jayden Daniels is out with a dislocated elbow.
"Jayden's injury aside," Dan Quinn said, "we just have to play better. We had several breakdowns on defense, especially. We just made dumb mistakes. And what makes that so bad is this: not only do I have to explain to our players what they did wrong, I also have to explain to them that 'dumb' is spelled with a 'B' on the end. Most people don't know that."
Seahawks win, 27-17.
New England @ Jacksonville (-3)
The Patriots bounced back from their tough opening loss to the Seahawks with a 20-3 domination of the Steelers at Gillette Stadium.
"I think Aaron Rodgers is a good measuring stick," Mike Vrabel said. "For my team and me. My defense dominated a Hall of Fame quarterback, and compared to Aaron, I am the greatest as personal relationships.
"While the legendary status of Bill Belichick may be diminishing daily, Bill's tits are doing exactly the opposite. Who knows what goes on in the UNC football offices, but I wouldn't be surprised if there's some wet t-shirt contests happening. Not gonna lie, I can't say I'm not intrigued by a nice pair like that."
Jaguars win, 25-17.
Arizona @ San Francisco (-9)
The 49ers whipped the visiting Dolphins 35-13, powered by big days from Brock Purdy, Christian McCaffrey, and George Kittle. San Fran is 2-0 and atop the NFC West.
"We dominated as we should have," Kyle Shanahan said. "But we can't get too excited about beating the Dolphins. They may be one of the worst teams in the NFL, with a matching terrible front office. That organization is on the verge of being a 'train wreck,' but right now, you could easily say they're a 'Kyle Shanahan car wreck in Palo Alto.'"
49ers win, 27-21.
Minnesota @ Tampa Bay (+1)
The Buccaneers fell to 0-2 with a 23-19 home loss to the Browns and Deshaun Watson.
"I really wanted to beat the team that unceremoniously got rid of me," Baker Mayfield said. "I guess I'll have to wait for my next chance. Considering the way I've played so far, that next chance might be when I play the Bucs as QB of another team.
"We were heavily favored. So we should have won that game. You have to beat the teams you're supposed to. For teams in the NFC South, that number could be very low."
The visiting Vikings came out on top in a defensive battle in Chicago, beating the Bears 9-3. Minnesota is 2-0 and leads the NFC North.
"Brian Flores continues to make offenses look bad," Kevin O'Connell said, "almost as bad as he continues to make the Dolphins look.
"I'd also like to announce that the 'Whizzonator,' made famous by Onterrio Smith, is making a comeback under its new name, the 'Absolute Piss-Missile.'"
Vikings win, 24-13.
Baltimore @ Dallas (+3)
The Cowboys beat the Commanders 37-20 at AT&T Stadium. Dak Prescott tossed for touchdown passes and became the franchise leader in all-time TD passes.
"Dak passed Tony Romo," Jerry Jones said. "You know, if you're hammered and have to recite the alphabet backwards, 'P' might come before 'R.' It certainly does in the record books."
The Saints stunned the Ravens 24-17 at M&T Bank Stadium. Baltimore held a 14-6 halftime lead, but was outscored 18-3 in the second half.
"Nothing says 'bounce back' like playing the Cowboys in Brazil," Lamar Jackson said. "And we've been challenged by head coach Jesse Minter to take it to them. And what better country to be in to say to your team 'You don't have any hair on your balls if you don't beat the Cowboys.'"
Ravens win, 31-24.
Las Vegas @ New Orleans (-3)
The Saints stunned the Ravens 24-17 in Baltimore, dominating the second half to snatch the win.
"This game is between the teams based in arguably the two biggest party cities in America," Kellen Moore said. "And I doubt Raiders owner Mark Davis could get laid in either."
Raiders win, 27-24.
L.A. Rams @ Denver (+2 ½)
The Rams beat the Giants 28-6 on Monday night at SoFi Stadium. Matthew Stafford passed for 327 yards and 4 touchdowns, with 2 of the TD passes going to Davante Adams.
"Davante's still got it," Stafford said. "He can still get separation from defensive backs and more importantly, from Aaron Rodgers."
Broncos win, 24-23.
Philadelphia @ Chicago (+4½)
The Eagles turned back the pesky Titans 24-20 in Nashville. Jalen Hurt's 3-yard TD pass to Darius Cooper with nine seconds left boosted Philly to the win.
"Jalen put a stadium-full of Titans' fans into an in-Volunteer-y state of disappointment," Nick Sirianni said.
"Buddy Ryan is surely looking down, or up, upon this game. I truly believe that if Buddy were still alive and in Philly, he would have certainly punched me several times by now."
The Bears' offense sputtered in the face of Brian Flores' attacking defense in a 9-3 home loss to the Vikings. Caleb Williams suffered a hamstring injury and will miss Monday night's game.
"A lot of people are saying Caleb reacted way too much to a simple hamstring injury," Ben Johnson said. "I say relax, people. Pain manifests itself differently in everyone. So let a man cry if he needs to. When Caleb cries, he cries wolf."
Eagles win, 20-13.
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