Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland (+2½)
The Steelers beat the visiting Bengals 30-27 in an AFC North matchup in Pittsburgh. While the Pittsburgh defense struggled to slow the Cincy offense, Aaron Rodgers picked up the slack, passing for 292 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Just when it looks like Aaron is washed up," Mike McCarthy said, "he responds with a game like this. Has he found some revolutionary youth serum? Nah. He'd be afraid to inject himself with it. Has he found the 'Fountain of Youth?' I doubt it. He probably only drinks filtered water."
The Browns grinded out a tough 21-18 win over the Panthers in the Dawg Pound. Deshaun Watson passed for 2 touchdowns, including the game-winning score to Harold Fannin late in the fourth.
"Like it or not," Todd Monken said, "Deshaun will play a big role in the future of this franchise. Mostly from an accounting standpoint."
Steelers win, 22-16.
Indianapolis @ Washington (+3)
Spencer Shrader's 53-yard field goal with 16 seconds left gave the Colts a 19-17 win over the visiting Texans. The win was Indy's first of the year and dropped Houston to 0-3.
"Ideally," Shane Steichen said, "we shouldn't have left the Texans 16 seconds. A competent offense can easily get into field goal range in that amount of time, twice if it's the Cowboys defense."
The Commanders stunned the visiting Seahawks 33-31 in D.C. Marcus Mariota passed for 3 touchdowns, and Kain Medrano's 50-yard interception return for a TD sealed the upset.
"What a gutsy effort by this team," Dan Quinn said. "They showed a lot of intestinal fortitude. There's a lot of talk in D.C. about a ball room. To have a pair the size of the set each player on this team has, you absolutely have to have some 'ball room.'"
Commanders win, 24-20.
New England @ Buffalo (-6½)
The Jaguars pummeled the visiting Patriots 35-6 in Jacksonville. Drake Maye had 3 turnovers, as the Pats failed to reach the end zone.
"We may be 1-2 and struggling," Mike Vrabel said, "but I've vowed to get this team headed in the right direction. And my team knows that when I make a vow, it's as good as the gold in my wedding band."
The Bills beat the visiting Chargers 24-16 at Highmark Stadium. Josh Allen threw two interceptions, but scored twice on the ground as Buffalo remained undefeated.
"We had 5 turnovers," Joe Brady said. "That's unacceptable. But apparently, it's totally acceptable against an offense as sucky as the Chargers.'"
Bills win, 27-24.
NY Jets @ Chicago (-6)
With Caleb Williams and Tyson Bagent out with injuries, the Bears turned to Case Keenum against the Eagles on Monday night in Chicago. And the veteran responded, with 3 total TDs to lead the Bears to a 27-7 win.
"Case played great," Ben Johnson said, "and he is one tough son of a gun. Now, I don't doubt Caleb's toughness for one second. I doubt it for much longer than that."
The Jets nearly upset the Lions in Detroit, but ultimately fell 31-24 in Detroit. Geno Smith tossed 3 TD passes, but had a crucial late fumble that sealed the win for Detroit.
"Geno 'balled out,'" Aaron Glenn said, "and that ultimately cost us the game."
Bears win, 24-21.
Jacksonville @ Cincinnati (-2½)
Trevor Lawrence passed for 3 touchdowns, as the Jaguars rolled to a 35-6 home win over the Patriots. Jacksonville is 3-0 and atop the AFC South standings.
"Trevor had a good day," Liam Coen said. "And an even better hair day.
"But under all that hair is a brain that mostly makes good decisions, but one that also makes the occasional inexplicable decision, like downing himself at the 1-yard line when he could have easily scored, when we were up 28-6. Then explaining it by saying he wanted running back Bhayshul Tuten to get fantasy points. Obviously, Trevor is in the pocket of the sports gambling mob."
Bengals win, 27-24.
Arizona @ NY Giants (+1½)
The Giants beat the visiting Titans 12-7 at rainy and windy MetLife Stadium. New York controlled the game on the ground, rushing for 138 yards, while Dominic Zvada kicked 4 field goals.
"If you like low-scoring games with a lot of kicking," John Harbaugh said, "soccer might be the sport for you as opposed to Giants' football.
"And if people were wondering about the reasoning behind my low-energy inspirational speech before the season, it's because I knew what kind of offense I was looking at."
Cardinals win, 27-24.
L.A. Rams @ Philadelphia (+3)
The Rams blew a 16-0 halftime lead and lost 30-26 to the Broncos in Denver.
"I think we just got a little complacent in the second half," Sean McVay said. "We certainly could have benefitted from Puca Nucua there. So we really need Puca to play. If we have to wheel him out chained to a hand-truck like Hannibal Lechter, then that's probably what he deserves."
The Eagles were totally outclassed in a 27-7 loss on Monday night to the Bears in Chicago.
"We got our asses handed to us," Nick Sirianni said, "then had the asses that were just handed to us kicked.
"But we'll be ready to play come Sunday. And we expect the fans in Philly to be their usual selves. So we'll have to wait and see which team gets boo'd more -- us or the Rams."
Eagles win, 25-21.
Green Bay @ Tampa Bay (+4)
The Packers looked awful in a 35-14 loss to the Falcons at Lambeau Field on Thursday night. Bijan Robinson paced Atlanta with 194 rush yards and 2 touchdowns, while Green Bay managed only 17 yards on the ground.
"We lost that game in the trenches," Matt Lafleur said, "as well as other places on the field and the sideline, particularly the place where I was standing."
The Buccaneers fell to 0-3 after a 23-16 loss to the visiting Vikings. Baker Mayfield was sacked 6 times by the Minnesota defense, and suffered a painful dislocated thumb injury late in the game. Mayfield is out at least three weeks.
"'Thumb's down' is exactly how I would rate Baker's performance," Todd Bowles said.
Packers win, 26-13.
Tennessee @ Baltimore (-11½)
The Ravens shocked the Cowboys 34-31 on Tyler Loop's 56-yard field goal as time expired. Lamar Jackson's 27-yard pass to Zay Flowers with one second left setup Loop's kick.
"I'm sure Jerry Jones is frustrated as can be," Jesse Minter said. "The game turned on clock management; we nailed it, the Cowboys botched it. And now, the Dallas organization finds itself in a familiar position, with coaching as erratic as Jerry's heartbeat."
The Titans slogged to a 12-7 loss to the Giants in nor'easter conditions at MetLife Stadium. Tennessee is 0-3, last in the AFC South.
"We had a chance to win the game late," Robert Saleh said, "but Cam Ward threw a bad interception. Not that there's such a thing as a 'good' interception. If there were, Cam would throw those too."
Ravens win, 30-20.
Dallas @ Houston (-2½)
Just when it looked like the Cowboys were headed to overtime to settle things with the Ravens, the Dallas defense was surrendering a long pass from Lamar Jackson to Zay Flowers. Then watched helplessly as Tyler Loop's 56-yard FG as time expired gave Baltimore a 34-31 win.
"We're 1-2," Dak Prescott said. "And we'll try to right the ship against the 0-3 Texans. You know, I hear Ella Langley's country smash hit 'Choosin' Texas' is dominating the charts. Obviously, she didn't write this song after being asked 'From which state will the next Super Bowl champion come?"
Texans win, 31-27.
Miami @ Minnesota (-11)
The Dolphins lost 24-10 to the Chiefs in Kansas City and fell to 0-3. To compound their misery, the team lost De'Von Achane for the season with a torn ACL.
"First of all," Jeff Hafley said, "I'd like to comment on the state of gas prices. It's crazy. I'm an NFL coach, and even I can't afford a full tank. And speaking of 'full tank,' that's our strategy for the rest of the season."
The Vikings defense harassed Baker Mayfield into a miserable day, and the Vikes left Tampa with a 23-16 win. Minnesota sacked Mayfield six times, and Kyler Murray's return sparked the offense.
"My blitz-happy defense is the talk of defensive coordinators around the NFL," Brian Flores said. "My skin color is the talk of NFL owners around the league."
Vikings win, 28-9.
Kansas City @ Las Vegas (+4½)
Kirk Cousins passed for 3touchdowns, and the Vegas defense stiffened at crucial times in a 35-27 Raiders' win over the Saints in New Orleans.
"And speaking of 'stiffening at crucial times,'" Cousins said, "thinking of Mark Davis during intercourse makes that patently impossible. And I guess I just admitted that I think of Mark Davis during intercourse."
The Chiefs beat the Dolphins 24-10 at Hard Rock Stadium to remain undefeated. Kenneth Walker III had 2 touchdowns to lead K.C.
"They say 'Good things come in three's,'" Patrick Mahomes said. "We say 'Good things come in III's.' And we'd like to thank the Seahawks. KW3 couldn't run for us if the Seahawks didn't let him walk."
Chiefs win, 31-28.
Denver @ San Francisco (-2½)
The 49ers outgunned the visiting Cardinals 36-30 at Levi's Stadium. Brock Purdy passed for 297 yards and 4 touchdowns.
"I scoff at the notion that a nearby electrical substation is causing injuries on this team," Purdy said. "In fact, I find its presence comforting. That's why you can often find me in the meditative Lotus pose saying 'Ohm.'"
The Broncos stormed back from an uninspired first half and outscored the Rams 30-10 in the second to come out on top 30-26 on Sunday night in Denver.
"I think offensive coordinator Davis Webb called a great game," Sean Payton said. "But I can only tell him that by whispering in his headset."
49ers win, 27-23.
L.A. Chargers @ Seattle (-7)
The Chargers looked better, but couldn't conquer the Bills in Buffalo. L.A.'s 24-16 loss continued their winless skid and they are last in the AFC West at 0-3.
"What we need to do is 'regroup,'" Jim Harbaugh said. "'Regroup' is also what one does when you run off to the NFL for a new team because the NCAA is breathing down your neck. Or so I've been told."
Seahawks win, 24-14.
Detroit @ Carolina (+3½)
The Lions overcame the pesky Jets 31-24 at Ford Field to improve to 2-1. Jahmyr Gibbs had 164 total yards and 3 total touchdowns.
"Jahmyr is unstoppable," Dan Campbell said. "In other words, he's like any offensive player that our defense tries to stop. I shudder to think of the kind of numbers he'd put up if he could play against our defense."
The Panthers fell to 1-2 with a 21-18 loss to the Browns in Cleveland.
"It's not often the NFL chooses the Panthers to host a game on Sunday night," Dave Canales said. "But you can't fault the NFL for wanting to have a division winner play on national TV. With that in mind, this game should air in the 8-9 time slot, or possibly the 7-10 time slot."
Panthers win, 31-30.
Atlanta @ New Orleans (-3)
Bijan Robinson rushed for 194 yards and 2 touchdowns, as the Falcons outclassed the Packers 35-14 on Monday night at Lambeau Field.
"Bijan is really the engine that makes this offense go," Kevin Stefanski said. "I guess Cooper Rush was the transmission that made it go backwards."
Saints win, 26-23.
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