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College Football - College Football vs. NFL: Easy Choice

By Topher Bordeau
Sunday, November 4th, 2001

OU/NU Kickoff - Nebraska sprints onto the field with the urgency of a group that has just cleared the barbed wire at the fed pen. Wait, let's just say they're running really fast and look pretty juiced up. Guys are jumping up and down, screaming at each other, pacing the sidelines. It's like their uniforms are piping hot and they need to cool off. Oklahoma looks a little more composed, but just as excited, a bunch of heartland farm boys getting ready to tip the biggest cow of their lives. The bands are playing, the crowd is going nuts, and there's no way I'm getting off the couch even though this game won't end for three hours.<

Oakland/Philadelphia Kickoff: The OU tuba player ran onto the field faster than Philly lineman Doug Brzezinski, who likes to eat tuba players with a little hommus. Walking around on the sideline, it looks a lot like an office for very big people wearing funny clothes. No one's all that interested in what's going on around them, although they're trying to look like they are whenever an authority figure walks by. Who knows what the crowd's up to? They're so far from the field that it really doesn't matter, which is a good thing when most Philly fans bring their foam #1 finger, their Eagles hat, and a box of Duracells to the game. I need some nachos.

OU double-reverse pass to the QB - I cannot believe they just tried that, even if it failed. It's almost better that it failed on such a blatant screw-up. In the No Fun League, there are no screw-ups, the players are too good; the game is perfect. Would I rather see Sammy Sosa at the plate, knowing he might swing really hard and miss, or the Louisville Slugger testing machine jacking monotonous 503 foot shots for two hours? No contest. I feel bad for Heupel; that would have been unbelievable. How the hell did so much of the game already elapse?

Oakland/Philadelphia, end of first quarter - Don't ask me the score because I don't know it. I haven't slept, read, gone to the bathroom, or even had any particularly engaging conversation with my buddy Morgan, but I have no idea what the score is. I've been watching the whole time and can't tell you what's happening. Neither can he.

Does the NFL induce short-term memory loss? I'll guess. We had some smashmouth running, in which a very strong fullback tried to diffuse through a non-existent off-guard hole that a couple D-tackles already had plugged. The resultant collision looked a little like a baseball fight: somehow both parties fell to the ground without actually making sharp contact with each other. We also had a few deep passes broken up by cornerbacks that can run backwards faster than receivers go forwards. Wow, look at that guy run backwards. That's fantastic. I need some pizza.

NU double-reverse to the QB - Three things about this play that illustrate college football's superiority: (1) Even after the opposing team had already tried the stunt, NU got away with it because (2) Coaches are willing to take bigger risks in the college game. Their players won't turn on them as quickly, and the players also want to win more, which makes them more willing to pull out all the stops. (3) Crouch ran away from the defensive back on the play to score the TD. In the pros, no one runs away from the defensive back. In the pros, Crouch gets caught five yards after he catches the ball, is thrown to the ground, and concussed so bad that Troy Aikman loses his keys again. In the pros ...

Oakland/Philadelphia, game over - What? What happened? Again, I didn't sleep, leave, or drink heavily during the game, but it completely failed to hold my attention. Somehow, I feel like I've been watching a test pattern for four hours. I'm drained without having engaged my body or brain. My appetite on the other hand, has been sated and beyond. I'm stuffed and feeling a little nauseous.

There you have it. College football leaves you elated, screaming, wanting more. The pros leave you dazed, apathetic, and bloated. Tough choice.

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