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Speaking of student-athletes, Chris Rix received a rude wake-up call when he was told he would be suspended for whatever bowl game Florida State would be playing in due to his failure to wake up for an final. Yet another prime example of why we absolutely cannot play football in December, unless of course, it's a bowl game.

And how about that Mike Riley? You would think that someone without a winning record in five seasons as head coach would jump at the chance to coach his alma mater, especially if it was Alabama! Instead, he turned the Crimson Tide down, electing to vie for the UCLA job, which was given to Karl Dorrell.

Now Riley will remain as the defensive backfield coach with the New Orleans Saints, and isn't he doing a fantastic job! With another Saints collapse this year, Riley's status only figures to rise. Hell, when Larry Coker leaves, maybe Riley will fill the head coaching vacancy at Miami!

The only disappointing part of UCLA's hire was that Walt Michaels, Joe Walton, Bruce Coslet, and Richie Kotite were denied the opportunity to unseat Pete Carroll as former Jets Head Coach turned Prince of Los Angeles.

Speaking of USC, congratulations to Carson Palmer. The West Coast bias has been lifted. Except, of course, in awards that matter. The Heisman is very nice, but I bet Palmer would rather prove that USC is the best team in the country instead of hypothesizing about it, and would gladly give Ken Dorsey the damn trophy in exchange for playing the 'Canes.

Dorsey was decidedly unhappy with the results, finishing fifth, third in quarterbacks. I think that's pretty good, considering his numbers were not better than either the winner or runner-up, Brad Banks.

To make matters even worse, Dorsey had an easier schedule to look more impressive than the two. Palmer did have a bad game against Kansas State, but he was spectacular in games against Colorado, Washington State, and Notre Dame. Every one of those teams is ranked higher in the BCS than any of Miami's opponents.

Not to say that the Heisman winner should face the toughest schedule, but the Heisman-elect should have the most impressive numbers of the finalists. Dorsey didn't, and no matter how many times people say, "One career loss as a starter," the Heisman trophy is not a lifetime achievement award.

This isn't the Oscars, although Ken Dorsey could never rival Elia Kazan's career of great movies and snitchdom. Unless he's the one who ratted out Bam Morris, Nate Newton, and Justin Levasseur.

What difference does the Heisman make, anyway? Since 1989, the quarterbacks who have won it are Andre Ware, Ty Detmer, Gino Toretta, Danny Wuerffel, Chris Weinke, and Eric Crouch. Does Dorsey really wish to continue that legacy?

Plus, the joke's really on Palmer. With his resume, the Bengals will be forced to draft him or risk expulsion from the league. Palmer will now join the QB graveyard in Cincinnati that features David Klingler and along with the more recently deceased Akili Smith, and a thousand others.

So take heart, Ken Dorsey, maybe the Rams will draft you and turn you into a wide receiver. Or punter. But take comfort in the fact that when you go down to that dark river of death and chill waters dampen your feet, you may be able to say looking back over your past life, "I didn't have to play with the Bungles!"

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