By Kevin
Beane
Saturday, March 8th, 2003
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AFC East
Buffalo
Ugh. They look like NFL Europe unis, and how many stripes exactly do they
need across the top of the helmet? Every time they make a change, it's for
the worse. Give me the O.J Simpson-era Bills look. GRADE: D+
Miami
I can't imagine these unis were a big hit when they debuted in the '60s,
when real men didn't wear aqua, and I can't understand why they stick with
them, as real men don't wear aqua. They get credit for building that aqua
tradition, though; the temptation to change their look to a bloody-toothed
dolphin on fire, or something, must've been pretty strong during the lean
years. GRADE: C-
New England
They've made slight tweaks to their unis constantly in the last 10 years,
but they just can't match the irresistible gaudiness of their old uniforms
of the '60s, '70s, and '80s. Not terrible, though. GRADE: B-
New York Jets
Great idea, going back to the Namath-era look. Nice touch: the numbers on
their sleeves being the same color as the base of the jersey. Best uniform
in the AFC East. GRADE: B+
AFC Central
Baltimore
Purple and Black are the colors you want to leave your opponents with after
the game, not the color you want to enter with. The raven's head on their
helmets looks like a cutting-room floor Disney villain design. Quoth the
Kevin, nevermore. Grade: D
Cincinnati
A terrible team with, I must say, a great look. They know that having a
tiger-themed name means your colors ought be black and orange, an idea that
escapes all the major colleges nicknamed "Tigers" (are you listening Auburn,
LSU, Clemson, et al?). The stipes on the shoulders are great. The stripes
on the helmets are better. And the stripes in the endzone give them the
nicest-looking (aesthetically) field in the NFL. Grade: A
Cleveland
A classic. Not that that is necessarily a great thing. They would never dream
of adding a logo to their helmets anymore than the Yankees would ditch the
interlocking NY, but their colors are still brown and orange. Having a logo
wouldn't hurt, and it wouldn't have to go on the helmet (see the Eagles,
Rams, Bengals, etc). GRADE: B-
Pittsburgh
Why do they only have the logo on one side of the helmet? So they can say,
"We're the only team with our logo on just one side of the helmet." Why is
their logo a hypocycloid? So sports bar trivia buffs can score 10,000 points
and puff out their chests for knowing it's called a hypocycloid. Why are
the players names on the backs of their white jerseys in gold, though the
numbers are black? Because the Steelers unis are all about idiosyncrasies.
Perhaps an idiosyncrasy or two too many. GRADE: C+
AFC South
Houston
Clever logo. Like it. Boring color scheme. Don't like it. Too much like the
Giants, who wear it much better. GRADE: B-
Indianapolis
A solid uniform. Subtle and understated without being drab. Can you believe
a heterosexual male can write that sentence and seriously mean it? And yet
he can! GRADE: B+
Jacksonville
I understand that even in the world of NFL logo design, some artistic license
must be given (buffaloes aren't really blue, for example), but even with
that in mind, I do have three questions:
1. Why is the Jaguar's tongue turquoise?
2. Why is the Jaguar's tongue turquoise?
3. WHY IS THE JAGUAR'S TONGUE TURQUOISE?!?
GRADE: D
Tennessee
An ESPN writer, Gregg Easterbrook, calls them, based on their logo, the Flying
Thumbtacks. Not awful, but they also seem to be unfortunately inspired by
NFL Europe. GRADE: B-
AFC West
Denver
The Broncos uniform tests my journalistic decorum. I just want to write "AAAGH!"
for five lines. Whomever designed it should get a prison term. The only thing
worse than the flamin' mane and the orange eye is the orange stripe on each
side that runs from the bottom of the pants up to the armpit, then points
inwards. It's a women's rollerball uniform. The stuff of nightmares. GRADE:
F
Kansas City
You try to write more than a sentence on that rare uniform not good enough
to expound upon, and not bad enough to make fun of. Boring all around. They've
had the same uniform for 40 years, and yet it is not considered by anyone
outside of metro Kansas City to be a "classic." Time for a change, mayhaps?
GRADE: C-
Oakland
I've seen lists before wear fans or writers rank the best unis, and the Raiders
seem to always win. I'm not quite so high on them, but I think it's something
that black and silver are so instantly associated with the Raiders that not
one other team, in any sport at any level, seems willing to adopt it as their
colors. Then again, Al Davis would probably sue them if they did. GRADE:
B
San Diego
This is an outstanding uniform. If you are looking for a logo that is not
too gaudy, not too boring, one that is simple but powerful, can you beat
a lightning bolt? (Says here, "no.") Looking back on my Bengals paragraph,
I seem to be partial to jerseys that have around-the-shoulder designs.
GRADE: A-
Stay tuned for the second installment, ranking the NFC uniforms!
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