By Jeff Comer
Friday, February 7th, 2003
1. After dominating the WTA tour for 10 years, losing only to each other,
the Williams sisters' reign finally came to an end. Venus and
Serena were banned from the WTA tour due to the astonishing discovery
of their true sexuality.
The tennis community was baffled that this was not discovered earlier. Commenting
on the scandal, Billie-Jean King stated that she did once see Serena
use the bathroom in a far from lady like manner. When asked why she never
spoke of what she saw, she replied, "Well, for one, it would have embarrassed
her if the press knew she forgot to shut the stall door. Two, I figured if
men can relieve themselves standing up, why can't women?"
When asked how they could do such a thing and not only lie but also deceive
their loyal fans, the Williams sisters desperately cried, "Daddy made us
do it!" Richard Williams responded calmly, "I've always been a fan
of Dr. Renee Richards."
Other tennis celebrities commented on the scandal, as well. John
McEnroe, when hearing the news for the first time, was said to have thrown
his arms up in the air followed by shouting, "YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!" The
ATP tour's number one, Andy Roddick, stated, "I hope they don't retire
because I would totally like to see some new faces on the ATP tour. Dude,
it could be good for men's tennis." Martina Navratilova with
disappointment added, "I was just about to make my move."
2. Andre Agassi, after divorcing Steffi Graf and getting back
together with former spouse, actress Brooke Shields, received an onslaught
of harsh criticisms from the press and tennis community. Agassi, shortly
after re-kindling his relationship with Shields, retired from the game still
in the top-10 at the age of 43.
However, faced with the possibility of leaving the game with an impression
that appeared to be unfavorable, Agassi decided to take action. He once again
broke it off with Brooke Shields, begged Steffi to take him back, which she
did, and obtained a wildcard to play in the 2013 U.S. Open.
When asked what it was that made him fickle enough to have such difficulty
in making personal and professional decisions, Agassi, puffing on his Camel
Red cigarette, was quoted as saying, "Image is everything." He then dropped
out of the U.S. Open, fell back into retirement, broke up with Steffi, and
began dating actress Winona Ryder.
3. After years of debating whether or not professional tennis should remove
"lets" from the game, the year 2013 finally saw the infamous "let" transform
into a "thing of the past" following in the footsteps of the eight-track
The rule will be implemented at the start of the 2014 circuit and little
controversy has yet to be seen among players on either the ATP or WTA tour.
However, Lleyton Hewitt, the Aussie who was a teenage sensation, world
number one, and currently a top-10 player, was asked in a post-five-hour
match interview with John McEnroe, how he felt about this kind of change.
He expressed his disapproval of the possibility and that change was not
necessary. McEnroe then explained to him how the removal of lets could make
the game more exciting, matches quicker, and that it has been successful
in junior tennis and even collegiate competition. Hewitt then asserted, "This
is the ATP tour, not junior tennis." McEnroe replied, "True, but it does
work on the collegiate level." Hewitt, confused responded, "Colgate? What
does this have to do with toothpaste, mate?"
4. Jim Courier finally decided to put tennis commentating aside and
he seriously pursued his career as a musician. Courier, believing in his
talent as a musician, put himself on the spot as a contestant on American
Idol and performed an original composition that he wrote about an old
nemesis, Stefan Edberg, titled the "Swedish Sweetheart."
However, to his dismay, Courier's ego was shattered as Simon Cowell,
who is usually downright brutal, honestly questioned Courier by asking, "Who
put you up to this?" Courier, revealing his extreme sensitivity to criticism,
ran off stage in utter tears. He has yet to commentate on a tennis match.
5. Although inevitable but rather unexpected, Anna Kournikova finally
gave up on her poor attempt at becoming a tennis champion. After going 10
straight years without an appearance in the top-50, Kournikova decided to
pursue a full-time career in entertainment. Kournikova's most notable project
since her retirement was her leading role in the movie "First Service: Do
You Hit it Hard or Soft?" It appears as if Kournikova finally found her true
Let's hope that none of these events actually occur because the price for
popularity just isn't worth it. Tennis is a game where respect is emphasized
and as tennis fans we should take pride in that, popular or not. However,
number five wouldn't be too bad, would it?