NASCAR Top 10 Power Rankings: Week 8

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Jimmie Johnson — Despite finishing out of the top 10 for the first time this year, Johnson actually increased his Nextel Cup points lead from 135 to 173 points. As has been the case lately, Johnson and the Lowe's crew had difficulty mastering the car's setup, and Johnson couldn't quite manage his 14th straight top-10.

"Yeah, I fought two battles in Phoenix," explains Johnson. "One, against my steering wheel. And two, against that lunatic Tony Stewart. This guy's giving me the finger when I try to pass him, just out of camera range, I might add. He's obviously got anger management issues, aside from the sanity issue, as well as an inferiority complex. I'm a better driver, I have a better car, and I represent the superior home improvement store. Tony would probably be a safer driver wearing a straight jacket than his driver's suit."

Johnson may be checking his rear view mirror for Stewart at Talladega, where the slightest bump can cause major havoc. Johnson will be intent on establishing a new top-10 streak, and padding his points lead.

"If Tony wants to play dirty, that's fine," cautions Johnson. "I can get nasty, too. That's why Talladega kicks off the official Jimmie Johnson 'Take No Junk From the Punk' Tour 2005, coming to a concrete wall near you. Tony's literally been on fire lately, so he should know that if you play with fire, you get burned. No pun intended."

2. Kurt Busch — Busch captured his first win of the season, and fourth for Roush Racing, by passing pole-sitter Jeff Gordon at the start, and essentially dominating the entire race. Busch led 219 of 312 laps, including the final 43, holding off the challenge of Michael Waltrip.

"Nothing says pressure like seeing a NAPA Auto Parts Vehicle bearing down on you," says Busch. "Luckily, I was able to hold Michael off. It's a little different when I'm cruising around town and one of those NAPA trucks gets behind you. It's very intimidating being followed by a truck wearing a giant, yellow baseball cap."

Busch's victory placed him back at number two in the Nextel Cup points race, a position he held before his run of bad luck. It also ended a brutal string of races in which Busch had some intense meetings with concrete walls.

"I don't know what's worse," Busch comments, "hitting the wall or being punched by Jimmy Spencer. I think I'd take the wall; at least you can reason with a wall."

In his last eight races at Talladega, Busch has seven top-10s. Assuming his run of bad luck ended with Saturday's win, Busch should remain exactly where he is — as Jimmie Johnson's biggest obstacle to the Nextel Cup crown.

3. Greg Biffle — In less than a week's time, Biffle experienced the extreme highs and extreme lows of a NASCAR driver. On April 17, Biffle won at Texas. Last Saturday in Phoenix, a pit road mishap ruined Biffle's day, forcing him to retire 140 laps short of the finish in 41st, a day after a strong second row qualifying run.

"You know how the old saying goes," explains Biffle. "I think it goes, 'Damn it! Son of a #$@&%! Dad gummit!"

Yeah, I think most drivers are familiar with that saying, especially Jimmie Johnson and Tony Stewart.

Biffle's downfall began on lap 169, when, as he was leaving his pit stall, he rammed the car of Mike Bliss, who was entering his pit area. The No. 16 car suffered a punctured radiator, which Biffle didn't realize until later. Unaware of the car's plight, Biffle turned out three laps without water in the radiator.

"The result? Barbequed engine," says Biffle. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning, but I hate the smell of cooked Ford in the evening."

In four Nextel Cup starts at Talladega, Biffle's best result is a 15th at last year's Aaron's 499. Dominant on intermediate tracks, Biffle is still finding his comfort zone in the restrictor plate races.

4. Jeff Gordon — Gordon won the pole in Phoenix, but was almost immediately passed by Kurt Busch on the start.

"That's like being dealt a 3-7 off suit in Texas Hold 'Em," notes Gordon. "And unless you're Chris Moneymaker, you can't bluff your way out of that one. In NASCAR, there is no bluffing. You've either got it or you don't. We didn't have it last Saturday in Phoenix. But I did have it that time on Celebrity Poker Showdown when I whipped a bunch of has-been celebrities including Angie Dickinson, Penn Gillette, and Kathy Griffin."

Gordon still managed a 12th-place finish, and moved up one spot to number four in the Cup standings.

"And at Talladega, we're pulling out the ace in the hole," says Gordon.

What? Nitrous oxide? A flux capacitor? All-star test pilot Chuck Yeager in the passenger seat?

"No none of that," says Gordon. "We've got Jedi master Yoda on the hood of the car, and he's swinging a mean light saber. My name may not be John Force, that of the toothy funny car driver, but the force will be with me."

Gordon is the defending Aaron's 499 champion, and should battle the DEI cars of Dale Earnhardt and Michael Waltrip for this year's crown.

5. Elliot Sadler — Sadler's paint scheme at Phoenix reflected the new M&M's Dark Chocolate candies to promote the release of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

"When you think of M&M's, you naturally think of the No. 38 Robert Yates Racing Ford," says Sadler. "That is if you're into NASCAR and you're not particularly hungry. When you think of dark chocolate, the first thing that comes to mind is Star Wars. Nah, who am I kidding? I just can't see Darth Vader snacking on some M&M's. How would he get them in his mouth anyway? Whatever. As long as they pay me, they can put anything they want on my car."

Whether or not Sadler has gone to the dark side, he still had a fine ride under the lights in Phoenix. After a sub-par qualifying run that placed him 33rd on the grid, Sadler and the Robert Yates Racing team endured a race-long effort to perfect the car's handling. A pit stop under caution on lap 168 was the most significant strategic ploy, as Sadler gained over 10 positions on that stop to move into the top 10.

Sadler has had his trials at Talladega in years past; in his last eight races there, he's finished 30th or worse five times. Talladega is all about staying out of trouble, and staying up front on the lead lap, away from that trouble. The Yates' cars have the engine to do so; remember, Sadler's teammate, Dale Jarrett, won the pole at Daytona, the season's first restrictor plate race.

6. Mark Martin — Martin's car was so bad last Saturday that NASCAR race control ordered him to "pick up the pace." Luckily, Martin drives the No. 6 Viagra, so, he dropped a few tablets in the car's fuel cell, and, just like that, he finished 16th.

"Yeah, that was a respectful finish," explains Martin, "but the problem that arose was I couldn't get the car to stop. I think we did about 20 laps past the finish."

Seriously, though, it takes an incredible driver to take such an irritable car and still manage a more than respectable 16th. Were it not for a pit stop gamble on lap 220 that didn't pay off, the No. 6 Viagra-mobile would have finished much higher.

"Yeah, we opted to go with fuel only on that stop," explains Martin. "You know, I sat in my car for a good 20 seconds before I realized I was at a self-serve pump. Man, it takes about $400 to fill up my tank. That's ridiculous!"

Martin's mediocre 16th dropped him three spots in the Cup standings to seventh, 260 points behind Jimmie Johnson. Martin had a good year at Talladega last year, with a sixth in the Aaron's 499 and a 15th in the fall. He will need that kind of effort to stay with the front-runners in the points race.

7. Ryan Newman — Newman's miscue in Phoenix qualifying cost him the pole, but he still qualified seventh, and crossed the line with a 14th-place finish, leaving him ninth in the points. Racing in the top 10 for much of the day, a late pit stop gamble to apply only two tires and fuel eventually backfired, as the No. 12 Alltel Dodge soon lost its handling.

"You win some, you lose some," laments Newman. "This is NASCAR. You're going to have one winner, and 42 losers. Luckily, in NASCAR, unlike other sports, you're not required to win a single race to be the champion."

Word around the campfire is that Roger Penske wants to buy out Rusty Wallace's stake in Penske Racing South, the organization that owns Newman's car. It's common knowledge that Wallace and Newman don't get along, so the change of ownership, if it happens, will probably be a good thing for both parties.

"Hey, I'm just like 80% of the people in this country," Newman replies. "I hate my boss. Anyway, there's a ride opening up in 2006 that I just have to have. It's the Ford Mustang, sponsored by Oscar Mayer Meats. They're calling it 'The Bologna Pony.' Who wouldn't want to be behind the wheel of that?"

It appears that Ryan has been huffing carbon monoxide fumes, but I can forgive the "Rocket Man."

"Rocket Man" seems to cool his engines a bit at Talladega. His best finish there is a fourth in 2003, and he's never won a pole on the super speedway.

8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Junior is on a roll, and is up to 12th in the points, thanks to his back-to-back top-10 finishes. Dale Earnhardt, Inc. as a team is also rolling, with Michael Waltrip finishing sixth and second in the last two races.

"The engine department has really got their game on," adds Junior. "But I really can't wait to show everyone my package. Aero package, that is. We own this track, and we will continue to dominate here. This is like our home track. Give us a karaoke machine, and Michael and myself can really belt out a rousing, if off-key, rendition of Lynyrd Skynrd's ''Sweet Home Alabama.' The Earnhardt name is to racing what the Van Zant name is to Southern rock."

Indeed, Talladega brings out the best in DEI. In the last seven races there, Junior has finished first or second, with five wins and a victory sweep in 2002. Break out the karaoke again and let me hear you do M.C. Hammer's 'You Can't Touch This.'

"I don't think so," says Junior.

Junior made another big jump in the points, and he should crack the top 10 with a solid result at Talladega. He's winless so far this year, and is anxious to reach victory circle. This may be the race.

9. Carl Edwards — Edwards is back in the top 10 in points, thanks to his seventh-place finish in Phoenix, his first top-10 since winning in Atlanta in March. It didn't come easy, as Edwards worked his way back into the hunt after falling two laps down early, due to a flat tire and a drive-through penalty.

"After the last three races, I'll take seventh," Edwards says. "Is a seventh back flip-worthy? No. Worthy of a front somersault? No. A cartwheel? You bet. Look how straight I keep my legs on this cartwheel. Exquisite! Even a crooked Russian judge would have to give me a '10' for that. If I ever win a Cup championship, I promise I will perform a full-length floor exercise."

We're pulling for you, Carl. You've got to be the only racecar driver, who, were you not a driver, would instead be a cheerleader.

Edwards will now take his act to the 2.66-mile super speedway at Talladega, where, in his one Nextel Cup race there, finished 42nd.

"As you know, I'm not a fan of the short tracks," adds Edwards. "And Talladega isn't a short track. Heck, pit road at Talladega is longer than the circuit at Martinsville. I'll just be happy to put the pedal to the metal and let the engine do the work."

With a year of experience at Talladega under his belt and Roush power under the hood, Edwards should be a top fifteen car at the super speedway.

10. Sterling Marlin — Starting 31st on the grid in Phoenix, the No. 40 Chip Ganassi Dodge sustained some right front damage early in the race, which contributed to handling problems throughout. Marlin crossed the line in 26th position, and now sits ninth in the Cup points standings.

"I pride myself on driving the Coors Silver Bullet," explains Marlin, "but that thing felt like a slug out there in Phoenix. And I don't mean a bullet slug; I'm talking about a snail slug. We were that slow. It makes me want to crawl into a shell and hide for a few days."

A good qualifying run at Talladega could be the key to success for Marlin. Three of his last four qualifying efforts there have been 11th or better. Racing up front and away from the inevitable mid-race pile-up is the key. If Marlin can qualify well, a top-15 finish is likely.