There are many important, pressing issues in the world of sports to tackle. Yet, I would be remiss if I didn't pay off a weeks-old tease, and present to you the 2006 GOSPY award winners. For those of you not familiar with the concept, here's an excerpt from the nominations column:
People know about the ESPYs. I'm not sure how many people know, or how many important people know, but those are the awards given out by ESPN for the best of whatever in sports for the past year. I wholly appreciate honoring the year's bests, but the ESPYS leave out so many potential great categories. After all, Mark Cuban is going to stop talking about his dick size unless he can win an award for doing so. Enter the GOSPYs.
The GOSPYs pickup where the ESPYs left off. This is the debut year for the award, but I think it's going to catch-on in less time than it takes Chris Berman to pickup a leather-clad girl in a bar.
Best Scandal
WINNER: Barry Bonds — The Loveboat and Lax scandals were entertaining, but neither football nor lacrosse is truly hurt by them. Barry Bonds, as the face of the steroid scandal, is the tip of the iceberg for what's to come for MLB. We are heading down an ugly path for the game and there will be dark times. While John Daly's gambling losses were impressive, no scandal shook its sport like Barry Bonds. Books, testimonies, federal agents, snitches, grand juries, and indictments are all part of this gongshow known as the Barry Bonds witchunt.
Best Pickup Line
WINNER: Chris Berman — Cuban's is funny, but doesn't have near the efficiency of Berman's. Especially since Berman's escapades don't involve him explaining why the girl should be with him. In Cuban's case, he's practically offering the girls a few grand, at least that's what I'm assuming with a pickup line like that. He's essentially saying what he has to offer is his pocketbook and nothing else.
The only disappointing part is that Berman shuns the whole concept and refuses to accept the credit for such an ingenious play. Still, when your phrase has its own t-shirt and it gets some decent air time on a show for pre-teen girls (a TRL host wore one a few weeks back), you will win this category every time.
This award wins even with a bevy of unanswered questions. Honestly, how does this even work? Shouldn't girls be turned off by the fact that they are addressed by the fabric of their pants as if nothing else matters about them? Does this work with anything or just with leather? Could he have a similar effect with, "You're with me, denim?"
Best Couple
WINNER: Brett Myers and wife — Not only can he get away with his crazy "shenanigans," but his wife actually put up the money for his bail. I can't think of any other couple in sports that works so efficiently together.
Mitts and Feely were a strong possibility here, but they are just two entities tied together — there's no semblance of that teamwork that couples need.
That's the same reason Eva Longoria and Mr. Longoria were left off the list — the only project they work on together was the PR spin after a tame run-in with police. That's not going to cut it. Now, on the other hand, Brett and wife can captivate a sports nation with their violent act and still combine forces to evade any legal repercussions.
Hottest Female in Sports
WINNER: Maria Sharapova — This really should become an ESPY award. Forget only nominating the attractive girls that have done something in sports or the non-attractive girls that are so good they cannot be left off the list (you're welcome, Ms. Sorenstam). I'm not going to drag on this because it's done a lot, and I don't have any pictures. But let's be honest here, it's Sharapova and it will continue to be. Although I think Mitts is pretty close, I still give the nod to Maria.
Best Juicer
WINNER: Jose Canseco — Jason Grimsley's story is sad, the Barry Bonds story just isn't right, and Jason Giambi's makes no sense. Grimsley got jobbed, Bonds is on the hot end of a witch hunt, and Giambi is the only known juicer to come out of this successfully. It's nice that users everywhere can have a role model in Giambi, so they can know that you can still overcome scandal to be one of the better players in baseball. It should be a strong deterrent for the youth of America to blindly accept the "say no to drugs" campaign.
Why not use the drugs, get successful, and if you get caught then just try to pull a Giambi? That's the American way. In fact, it will only make the youth of today that much stronger if they have to deal with one good controversy in their lives. As I've said for a long time, damage control and crisis management are the two biggest things these young players lack. So kids, take those steroids early and often. As far as I know, there's no medical drawbacks whatsoever...
Best Sports Gospel
WINNER: Anna Benson vs. PETA — Ultimate Fighter is probably the best piece I've done, but it's not the typical "Sports Gospel" style. The Benson piece was enjoyable by all, as I was merely a reporter in the epic war of words. Not to pat myself on the back too much, but it was overwhelmingly brilliant.
Best Cross-Over Star
WINNER: Jeff Samardzija — I'm running out of space here, but the guy is either going to be a first-round draft pick in the NFL or a big-time, multi-million dollar pitcher in MLB. That's freaking talented.
Best Chris Henry Arrest
WINNER — Gun charge. I mean he got out of the limo, wearing his own jersey, and then threw the gun back in the limo after he saw a cop. Like maybe he was quick enough that the cop didn't see the gun. I like this charge for two reasons.
First, he was wearing his own jersey, which sort of makes it like his Superman cape. It's bigger than his football career, now it spans to his crime career, as well. It's now his uniform in life.
The second reason I like this is because, if you've ever seen a movie or cartoon, you know that the moment you throw a gun that it fires whenever it lands. He ran the risk of shooting himself by throwing it in the limo, but he did it anyway.
This is the point in the award show that you would start tuning out and since I'm already pushing 1,800 words, here's the sprint to the finish.
Best Coach
WINNER: Ozzie Guillen
Best Sports Website
(outside of any that carry this column, of course)
WINNER: Deadspin.com
Best Sports Video Game
WINNER: Madden 2006
Most Annoying Person Ever
WINNER: Jay Mariotti
Best Sports Talk Radio Host
WINNER: Mark Chalifoux, Cincinnati ESPN Radio
Best E-Mail
WINNER: Re: JJ Redick vs. Adam Morrison
Redick is the BEST! He's a good guy and the AWESOMEST basketball dude I know of! Oh, and my freinds and I were making a chart of physical attractions AND JJ Redick FIT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!!! He is such a hottie!!!!!!!!!!!!
Superman in Sports Award
WINNER: Lance Armstrong — It's still his time, but this award get's a little more interesting next year with LeBron gaining ground. Still, it's Lance's for life if he pulls off the upset and cures cancer.
The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. All readers get a 10% signup bonus at BetOnSports by entering "Sports Gospel Promo" as the promo code. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on SC. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].
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