Friday, June 27, 2008
Sports Q&A: Shaquille Raps the Classics
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Duke from Winterset, IA writes, "Shaquille O'Neal's rap attack on Kobe Bryant was the most talked about issue in the music industry. Is there a full-length, anti-Kobe project in the works?"
O'Neal's critical rap of Bryant is sure to set off a firestorm in the rap community, which, as of late, has lacked a high-profile rap feud. Just as Roxanne Shante offered a quick response to UTFO's "Roxanne, Roxanne" back in 1984, you can expect a quick response from Bryant to counter O'Neal disses. If history is any indication, O'Neal can expect an $4 million diamond ring from Bryant any minute now. In the meantime, O'Neal has signed a deal with Lethal Injection Records to remake some of raps greatest hits, infused with witty put-downs of former teammate Bryant. Here's some of the tracks:
* Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock's "It Takes Two (To Make a Ring? You Right)" — Shaquille raps that Bryant couldn't win the big one without him, then completes the dis by switching Base's lyrics from "it takes two to make it outta sight" to "Kobe whines then I'm outta sight."
* Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five's "The Message," featuring the lyrics "I'd push Kobe if he was close to the edge."
* Doug E. Fresh's "La Di Da Di (Colorado Party)" — Shaq displays his easy flow with this rap describing Bryant's exploits in Colorado with the ironic lines "we don't cause trouble, we don't bother nobody."
* LL Cool J's "Momma Said Knock You Out" — Shaq cuts loose, with a guest appearance by Bryant's mother, who incites Shaq to K.O. her son.
* Sugar Hill Gang's "Rapper's Delight" — Shaq raps about a list of places Bryant has cheated on his wife, including "hotels, motels, Holiday Inns."
* Digital Underground's "The Humpty Dance" — Shaq, sporting a prosthetic nose, pink sunglasses, and a huge, yellow-feathered headpiece, boasts that he "once got busy in a Burger King bathroom," but was later ratted out by Bryant.
* Kurtis Blow's "Eight Million Stories" — Shaq ridicules Bryant's numerous and feeble attempts to explain Bryant's infidelity to his wife.
* Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" — Shaq criticizes Bryant for buying his wife's forgiveness with diamonds, while Shaq supports the method that's worked best for him — simple lump sum cash payments.
* Tupac Shakur's "Hit 'Em Up" — Shaq viciously decries Bryant's role in forcing O'Neal's trade to the Miami Heat. In the song, O'Neal wonders aloud whether Bryant does, in fact, have a "Chump Life" tattoo across his abdomen.
* Run DMC's (featuring Aerosmith) "Walk This Way" — Shaq praises old-school rap pioneers Run DMC for injecting "whiteness" into the rap genre in their collaboration with Aerosmith. O'Neal then flips the script, admonishing Bryant for injecting "whiteness" that fateful night in Colorado, then not immediately owning up to it.
* Eminem's "Stan" — In his remake of Eminem's smash hit, O'Neal equates himself with former Miami coach Stan Van Gundy. Just as O'Neal was ran out of town by Bryant, Van Gundy was forced out by an equally egotistical control freak, Pat Riley.
* Sir Mixalot's "Baby Got Back (to Back, to Back)" — Shaq flaunts his ample behind in this party favorite in which he tells Bryant that without Shaq, Bryant could have never won three NBA titles.
* Young MC's "Buss a Move" — Shaq blasts the Lakers organization, particularly owner Jerry Buss, for acting immediately any and every time Bryant wants something.
* LL Cool J's "I Can't Live Without My Radio" — In this remake of a young L's early hit, Shaq whimsically raps about his boom box, and the zany, oddly-dressed seven-foot genie that emerges from the stereo when it is fondled by Bryant.
* Public Enemy's "Caught, Can We Discredit a Witness?" — In this duet with oddball PE comic foil Flavor Flav, Shaq raps about Kobe's legal troubles while PE's militant S1W's, dressed as Eagle, Colorado policemen, march in formation.
* Queen Latifah's "Ladies First" — Shaq questions Bryant's sexuality, then offers Bryant underhanded congratulations on his MVP trophy, and commends the voters for showing class by placing "ladies first."
Get Your Questions Answered!
Do you have a question or comment? Then send your question or comment along with your name and hometown to jeffreyboswell@sports-central.org. You may get the answer you're looking for in the next column on Friday, July 11th.