Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Tampa Bay @ Washington (-7½)
After a dismal performance against the Giants last week, Tampa Bay quarterback Byron Leftwich was demoted to the third-team. It was the first drastic move for the 0-3 Bucs, who managed only 86 total yards in last week's 24-0 loss to the Giants.
"I call that a 'benching,'" says Tampa coach Raheem Morris. "My predecessor, John Gruden, would have called that a 'son of a benching.'"
"But we've got to shake things up here in Tampa, otherwise the owner, Malcolm Glazer, might bring back Gruden. Glazer doesn't take too kindly to a shutout, especially when it's referred to as a 'Glazered doughnut.'"
In Washington, head coach Jim Zorn's job security is tenuous, and he's even fallen victim to a little lingerie humor, the result of a "pink slip" being planted in his office. And, if there was a coaching depth chart in the Redskins organization, Zorn would fall somewhere between "Joe Gibbs" and "Jacques Cousteau."
"Hey, Jacques Cousteau has never been a coach of the 'Skins," says Redskins owner and cash money all-star Daniel Snyder. "Yet. For now, though, Zorn's job is safe. That's the conclusion we, Clinton Portis and myself, came to, since he basically calls the shots in this organization, without fear of repercussions. You know, I hear Clinton is back to wearing those crazy costumes, not for entertainment value, but because he's virtually unrecognizable in those. And let's face it, who, besides Zorn, still wants to acknowledge that they're a Redskin."
Will either of these teams show some life anytime soon? It would be perfectly fitting if this game ended in a scoreless tie, and even more fitting if both teams were sucked into a black hole afterwards.
Washington wins, 20-10.
Baltimore @ New England (-3)
What would Paul Revere have said were he around to herald the arrival of the 3-0 Ravens to Foxboro?
"Well," says Ray Lewis, "I'm sure after ducking gunfire from Tom Brady's entourage, Revere would have relayed the message that 'The brutish are coming! The brutish are coming! Then Paul would probably hand-deliver some bootleg daguerreotypes of a Ravens practice."
"Now, I relish the chance to stare across the line at Brady, gaze into his eyes, and try to enter the mind of a quarterback and see what he sees, particularly in his bedroom."
"Actually, I'd much rather enter the mind of a cornerback, like the Pats Jonathan Wilhite. This guy said two suspicious people were outside his home. One yelled at him, and Wilhite ran! Has he not read the NFL cornerback handbook? In that situation, you should wave your weapon in the air. Firing it is optional, but recommended. Then you should go to a strip club to calm your nerves. On top of all this, he injured his groin running from the suspicious people. So, instead of pulling a 'jammy,' he pulled a 'hammy.'"
The Patriots are back on track after a 26-10 win over the Falcons, as the New England running game clicked to the tune of 168 yards. Against the Ravens and their No. 1-ranked rushing defense, however, the Pats may have to rely more on the passing of Tom Brady.
"We've diagnosed some weaknesses in the Ravens defense," says Brady, "through video study, of course. And we plan on taking advantage of those. Some call Bill Belichick a genius; I call him an auteur, a true master of exploitation films."
"We know the Ravens will come after us. They aren't lacking in confidence, and, on top of that, they've got wings, for added reassurance."
The Ravens will have no trouble stopping the Patriot rushing attack, especially since New England won't bother trying to run. The Baltimore rush defense is so good, the Patriots will have no choice but to throw. And they'll be successful. But so will the Ravens offense, passing, and running. Barring an early snowstorm, this won't be a defensive struggle.
New England wins, 27-23.
Detroit @ Chicago (-11)
The Lions ended their 19-game losing streak, vanquishing the Redskins 19-14 in front of an appreciative, yet sparse, Ford Field crowd last Sunday. Rookie Matthew Stafford led the way with a mistake-free game, a feat he'll need to duplicate in the Lions have any chance in Chicago.
"The 'Lions Den' became a 'Lions Din,'" says Stafford. "I'm glad to do my part to end this losing streak. I'm a pretty straight-laced, by-the-book fellow, so it was nice to get the chance to 'break bad' for once."
After an opening week loss to the Packers, the Bears are 2-0 after a 25-19 win in Seattle, and Jay Cutler seems to have settled in to his role as the leader of the Bears. After his dismal 4 interceptions against Green Bay, Cutler has thrown 6 touchdowns in their two wins.
"Hey, I can't take all the credit," says Cutler. "A lot of it goes to the oppositions' field goal kickers, who have each missed two field goals in our two wins. I'm not one to drop names, unless it's Ed Hochuli's, but I'll go ahead and tell you it was Jeff Reed and Olindo Mare. So, if you're asking, our 2-1 record isn't based on solid 'footing.'"
Sure, the Lions finally have a win under their belt, but is the momentum from that lone victory enough to carry them to another, over the Bears, at Soldier Field? Losing streaks were made to be broken; so were winning streaks.
Cutler throws for two scores, and Matt Forte rushes for 126 yards.
Bears win, 30-16.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland (+4)
The Bengals finally ended Pittsburgh's eight-game winning streak in Cincinnati, knocking off the defending Super Bowl champs, 23-20, on Carson Palmer's four-yard strike to Andre Caldwell with 14 seconds left.
"Individually, we've all been able to say we're AFC North 'players,'" says Chad Ochocinco. "Now, after beating Pittsburgh and going to 2-1, we can collectively say that we're AFC North 'players.'"
"And we can build on this win with a victory at Cleveland Stadium, where I can revisit my 2007 leap into the Dawg Pound. You know, I believe I'm the only opposing player to accomplish both the 'Lambeau Leap' and the 'Dawg Pound Leap.' And, just as I paid some Bengals fans to sit in the stands at Lambeau, I've commissioned Metallica to remake their 1986 hit 'Leaper Messiah' in my honor. Of course, that's news to them, and I'm pretty sure I'll have to introduce myself to them, and show ID."
Cleveland's Eric Mangini is faced with a tough decision of choosing a quarterback between Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson. Both played miserably in last week's 34-3 loss in Baltimore.
"You know," says Mangini, "the decision may simply come down to a coin flip. That's assuming I can find a three-sided coin."
Ochocinco pulls some more strings, scoring some end zone seats for some Bengals fans, and puts in a good word for Quinn via Twitter, posting that Mangini should "Quinn and bear it." Cedric Benson, who is imminently more suited to life behind the Cincy offensive line than the wheel of a car or boat, rushes for 98 yards and a touchdown. Ochocinco scores in the third quarter, then jumps for joy, landing in the lap of Joy, a Bengals fan from Akron, Ohio, enjoying the game on Ochocinco's dime.
Bengals win, 27-13.
Oakland @ Houston (-9½)
Why is Oakland's JaMarcus Russell such an inaccurate quarterback? Well, if you ask Raider passing coordinator Ted Tollner, it's because Russell, instead of going through his progressions in the passing game, goes through regressions.
"JaMarcus has trouble applying to games what he shows in practice," says Tollner. "Like talent. So, if I had to give him a grade, it would definitely be an 'incomplete.' If JaMarcus threw a pass from the sporting goods section, he still couldn't hit Target. So what if he can throw the ball 70 yards. He's still a loose cannon."
While passing woes personify the Raiders, rushing issues plague the Texans. Houston is last in the league in rushing defense, giving up 204 yards per game.
"No matter how bad our run defense might be," says Gary Kubiak, "I'm not about to go off and punch my defensive coordinator. I might fire him, though. Anyway, it's funny how the Raiders fortunes have changed. John Madden and Tom Flores were nice enough guys, but they coached a fair share of thugs. Now, the Oakland players are a well-behaved bunch, but now the coach is the thug. And he's a dead ringer for 'The Thing' of Fantastic Four fame."
The Texans pathetic rush defense plays right into the Raiders hands — Russell won't even need to pass. But Matt Schaub will, and the Texans air game will outdo the Raiders ground attack.
Houston wins, 27-22.
Tennessee @ Jacksonville (+1)
If you would have told Tennessee's Jeff Fisher that the Titans would be winless after three games, you likely would have been met with a blank stare and an uncomfortable silence, similar to Vince Young's reaction to a Wonderlic question, or the reaction to a Bruce Pearl off-color joke.
Conversely, if you would have told Jack Del Rio that he Jags would be 1-2 after three games, he probably would have responded with either "I'll take it!" or "Who's their new coach?"
"Hey, you've heard of game-saving tackles before," says Del Rio. "Well, this was a job-saving win. And I've got Maurice Jones-Drew to thank for it. I've got no problem resting my fate on the massive thighs of MJD. The Titans may have the 'Smash and Dash' duo, but all I need is 'The Dash.' Heck, I'm thinking of changing my name to Jack Del Rio."
Speaking of "Smash and Dash," Chris Johnson, the "Dash," leads the AFC in rushing, while LenDale White, the "Smash," has logged only 80 yards so far this year.
"Maybe LenDale should have kept that weight on," says Johnson. "He ain't heavy, and he ain't my brother."
Tennessee wins, 21-17.
Seattle @ Indianapolis (-9)
The undefeated Colts welcome the ailing Seahawks to Lucas Oil Stadium, the "House That Lube Built," home of Peyton Manning and the well-oiled Indy offense, which often operates as if at the mercy of a shot clock. Not known for time-consuming, 14-to-18 play drives, the Colts scored 4 touchdowns on the Cardinals last week on drives all of six minutes or less.
"Hey, no one's ever accused me of eating clock," says Manning. "I can't speak for my brother Eli, though."
"Anyway, time of possession is such an overrated statistic. When is a plodding, run-heavy offense really that useful, except for maybe in the playoffs and/or in the snow in New England? I know where all this is headed, though. As soon as we lose a few games, we'll be criticized for the very thing for which we've been praised."
For Seattle's Edgerrin James, Sunday's game will be a homecoming or sorts. James was with the Colts for seven years before leaving for Arizona as a free agent. Now, he's a backup for the Seahawks.
"I wish I could stand here and tell you that I wish I'd never left," says James. "But that would make me sound like Marvin Harrison under police questioning. The truth is, I wish I was still a Colt. Why? Look at this offense. I wouldn't have to do a thing except pick up a blitz every now and then, or run a stretch play for a yard or two. Plus, the stadium's brand new, and they've got a kicker named Adam Nougatieri. That's funny, because when I was here, whenever someone mentioned our kicker's name, all you heard were 'snickers.'"
Colts win, 29-17.
NY Giants @ Kansas City (+9½)
What is the world coming to when Michael Strahan is starring in a sitcom and Lawrence Taylor appears in a Nutrisystem commercial?
"I have no clue," says Eli Manning. "But answer me this. What is the world coming to when L.T. is way funnier!? Man, that guy's losing weight like a crazed dog. And the amazing thing is, L.T.'s losing the weight in increments of pounds instead of grams. I guess he decided his days of 'heavy' partying were over."
"I think the difference in our team from last year is we've rid ourselves of the distractions. But that doesn't mean we still don't like to talk about them. Like Plaxico Burress, for example. He's 'fel-on' hard times. I hear he was taunted unmercifully on the perp walk at Riker's Island. Hey, that's like wearing a Giants jersey to a Jets game. Except there's more Jets fans at a Jets game than Riker's Island. But only slightly."
With 80,000 raucous fans typically on hand, it's never easy for an opponent entering Arrowhead Stadium. However, things become significantly much easier once the Chiefs enter.
New York wins, 30-13.
Buffalo @ Miami (+1)
Uh oh. There's trouble brewing in Buffalo. Terrell Owens went without a catch in the Bills 27-7 loss to New Orleans last week, ending a streak of 185 games with at least one reception. This after a week in which Owens criticized Tony Romo on Twitter, then publicized his intentions to pursue an acting career when done with football.
"Yeah, I know an acting career seems implausible," says Owens, "especially since I have trouble playing myself most days. I'm convinced the media is out to screw me, by taking my words and skewing them to their liking for the sake of the story. I can't understand why they would do that, especially when taking my words and reporting them verbatim makes for a much better story."
Things aren't a whole lot better in Miami. The Dolphins are 0-3, Chad Pennington is out for the season with a shoulder injury, and franchise offensive tackle Jake Long has made the "reverse pancake block" famous.
"Like Jake," says Tony Sparano, "we're on our backs. And, like Jake, things are looking up. We all tested positive — for attitude. I refuse to let this team get down. That's why Bill Parcells isn't allowed to talk to them."
"As Pennington's's replacement, Chad Henne will face a lot of heat from opposing defenses and impatient fans, but that's nothing compared to what he would face should he appear on The Jim Rome Show, where the blustery host will no doubt call him 'Sonja.' How Chad responds to his critics will tell us a lot about him. Will he sit there and take it, or will he turn over a table and go after the diminutive Rome until someone holds him back?"
Who will do more throwing, Trent Edwards (to Owens) or Owens (his arms up in disgust)? That remains to be seen. All that's for sure is the Miami 'wildcat' formation will see a lot of activity, so much so that Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams will later star in a spot for ABC's Cougar Town.
Brown and Williams combine for 187 total yards and 2 touchdowns. Miami wins, 24-20.
NY Jets @ New Orleans (-6½)
In a battle of undefeated's, the Jets and smack-talking head coach Rex Ryan head to the Big Easy to go after Drew Brees and the Saints high-powered attack. The Jets defense has made life miserable for opposing quarterbacks with a variety of blitzes, and will undoubtedly come after Brees.
"The last thing we want to do is get into a war of words with the Jets and Ryan," says Brees. "Or do we? We all saw what they did to the Patriots after telling them exactly what they were going to do. Hopefully, they'll be just as forthright with us. Obviously, Ryan is a man of his word, as well as a man of great girth. So, baby got backup."
New York's rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez has become somewhat of a cult hero, as has defensive cornerback stalwart Darrelle Revis and Ryan himself.
"Look, I'm happy to sign your jersey, program, Bible, permission slip, left breast, right ventricle, what have you," says Sanchez. "But the real reason for our 3-0 start is our defense, and that starts with Rex Ryan. Ryan's the new defensive genius. Who knows? Ten years from now, he could be coaching the Bengals."
The Jets have come after every quarterback they've faced, and have come out on top. Is there any reason to believe they'll do anything differently against Brees? Will Sean Peyton have a counter for the Jets overload blitzes? Will the Saints make Sanchez play like a rookie? Does Reggie Bush still play for the Saints?
New Orleans wins, 23-20.
St. Louis @ San Francisco (-9½)
The 49ers suffered a gut-wrenching loss in Minneapolis, seeing what looked to be a huge road win slip away in the final seconds as Brett Favre connected with Greg Lewis for the game-winning score. Running back Frank Gore suffered a sprained ankle on his first carry, forcing San Fran to rely on the arm of Shaun Hill.
"That's a tough pill to swallow," says Mike Singletary. "I'm not sure what hurts worse — losing Frank or losing the game. I still feel like we were the better team. We were jammin' there for quite a while, doin' what's right and settin' the style. Then the 'Gunslinger' popped a cap on our celebration. But Favre's done this so many times in his career, it shouldn't be a surprise. The setting may have been different, but the result was the same. He just made the Metrodome become the 'Retro' Dome."
"I have no doubts that we'll be okay in Frank's absence. Tight end Vernon Davis really stepped up, finally showing what we were expecting when he was drafted too high back in 2006. And, as always, the defense was solid with Patrick Willis leading the way. I like to call it our 'What you talking 'bout, Willis? Know what I mean, Vern?' team."
St. Louis is 0-3, but don't tell head coach Steve Spagnuolo that the Rams aren't competitive. They are, in fact, competitive, for the title of worst team in the league. And, with quarterback Marc Bulger injured again, the Rams will have to rely even more heavily on running back Steven Jackson.
"Hee hee will have to carry the load," says Spagnuolo. "That's a little Michael Jackson humor for you."
San Francisco wins, 31-13.
Dallas @ Denver (+3)
The Broncos are the NFL's most unlikely undefeated team, and boast a defense surrendering an average of only 5 points per game. It's not exactly the type of team most people envisioned when offensive guru Josh McDaniels was hired as head coach, but nonetheless has the Mile High City excited about the Broncos again.
"That's right," says McDaniels. "New memberships in the Mile High Club are at an all-time high. Heck, some people are joining in groups of three. Call it the 'McLovin Effect.' I've seriously thinking of joining. You see, becoming an NFL mastermind leaves precious little time for relationships, much less those that take place 5,280 feet above sea level."
"But who's doubting my methods now? Yeah, I sent Jay Cutler packing and got Kyle Orton in return. Fair trade? Maybe not. But like Cutler did as a Bronco, Orton is drawing comparisons to a Bronco quarterback of lore. You've heard of Norris Weese, right?"
The Cowboys finally christened Arlington Stadium with a win, beating the Panthers 21-7 on Monday to go to 2-1 for the year. Terrence Newman sealed the win with a 27-yard interception return for a score, sending 95,000 people home happy, the first time a Dallas defender has done that since Nate Newton's drug empire was in full swing.
"It wasn't pretty," says Tony Romo, "but it was still a win. That's also how you'd describe my romantic breakups."
"But, like the Broncos, we're probably a bit undeserving of our record. Unlike the Broncos, we got rid of our disgruntled wide receiver. Now, the only guy 'trippin'' on this team is Flozell Adams."
Are the Cowboys Bronco "busters?" Or will Denver ride the Cowboys until they're "brokeback?"
Denver wins 24-23 on a Matt Prater 43-yard field goal as time expires.
San Diego @ Pittsburgh (-5)
With apologies to the Detroit Lions, the Steelers are probably the best 1-2 team in the NFL right now, with their record tarnished by two last second losses to the Bears and the Bengals.
"Our goal at this point in the season was to be 3-0," say Mike Tomlin. "Obviously, you could say we've fallen 'short,' of our goals. Or, more fittingly, you could say we've ended up 'wide left' of our goals. You could even say that in search of our goals, we've 'dropped the ball.' Hey, it's not often an NFL coach creates bulletin board material for his own team. But I do. And for some, it's required reading. So Jeff Reed and Limas Sweed, take heed."
The Chargers and Steelers met in the regular season last year, with Pittsburgh taking an 11-10 win, the first time in history a game had ended with that score. Troy Polamalu was robbed of a fumble return touchdown in that game, but he won't get a chance for redemption as he's still out with a knee injury.
"Polamalu's absence will open things up in the secondary," says Norv Turner. "If you've noticed, the Steelers aren't blaming any of their losses on Polamalu's absence. In fact, if you ask anyone in the organization about Troy, you won't get a straight answer. They'll just gush about his hair."
Pittsburgh finally found success on the ground last week. They should fare even better this week against a Chargers unit ranked 26th against the run. San Diego's pass-happy attack will keep them close, but Pittsburgh's balance will be too much.
Steelers win, 31-23.
Green Bay @ Minnesota (-3)
It may be full of cortisone, but there still seems to be some space left in Brett Favre's right arm for a little magic. Last week, Favre's 32-yard laser to the back of the end zone with two seconds left found Greg Lewis, giving the Vikings a 27-24 win over the visiting 49ers. Minnesota is 3-0 and leading the NFC North, with the Packers coming to town.
"Just when you think it's time to call it a day," says Brad Childress, "Favre does something unexpected to keep things lively. How many times has he done that in his career? Actually, a great feeling of unease came over me after that miraculous play. I was seriously worried that Favre might decide to go out while on top and retire right here on the spot."
"But let's be honest. Moments like these are exactly the reason we brought Favre here. It surely wasn't for his flawless mechanics, or fluid delivery. Hey, this is Minnesota. If you're looking for 'fluid delivery,' you give former Viking Onterrio Smith a call and inquire about the 'Whizzinator.'"
The man who replaced Favre in Green Bay, Aaron Rodgers, is looking forward to going head to head with Favre and the Vikings.
"This game's not as personal for me as it is for Brett," says Rodgers. "I can't speak for the rest of the team, though. They seem to be really excited about the game, so much so that they're taking up a collection of money to 'take Brett out.' I'm not positive, but I think the restaurant is called 'Bounty.'"
As the game starts, memories of his time as a Packer wash over an emotional Favre, and the nervousness gets the best of him as his first pass finds a wide open Donald Driver on the sideline. Favre settles, and he and Rodgers duel well into the night.
In the end, Rodgers leads the Pack on the game-winning drive, and Charles Woodson intercepts Favre to preserve the win.
Green Bay wins, 31-27.
Leave a Comment